My fear of HIV is consuming my life

Hi all. I am a heterosexual male suffering from extreme HIV anxiety. It started 2 months ago when I stubbed my finger underneath my theater chair looking for my keys. I bled a little bit, and some time later I started thinking about HIV.I began to imagine that maybe I got stabbed by a needle instead of the screw that I initially recall stubbing my finger on. Well, after this event, I started thinking about the validity of my last HIV test. I took it 4 months after the last time i had unprotected sex. This same HIV test was also about 40 days (nearly 6 weeks) after I got blackout drunk two nights in a row. Since i was already thinking about HIV because of my theater incident, I started analyzing the events which transpired before my last HIV test. I have read about how 6 months is conclusive in certain cases, but my HIV test was only 4 months after unprotected sex. I do not have a compromised immune system as far as I know. I don't take drugs intravenously, I did not have an organ transplant, and I have never been on chemotherapy. I have type 2 diabetes, but my blood sugar level was well within normal range. I just want to be sure that my 4 month test is absolutely conclusive. I am also fearful of contracting HIV when I became blackout drunk two nights in a row. I was drinking with two heterosexual male friends, and we were going from bar to bar. After we got too drunk, we took a cab and crashed at a motel. One of the friends I was drinking with is someone that I do not know very well. Perhaps he was more of an acquaintance that decided to go drinking with me and my friend. Now I have no reason to think this, but intrusive thoughts of being anally raped and contracting HIV pop up in my mind because I got black out drunk with someone I don't know real well. I can't remember much about returning to the motel, except for throwing up in the bathtub and not remembering makes me very paranoid. I believe the only reason I have thought of this is because my mind is racing to find ways where I may have been exposed to HIV. I had no physical discomfort in the morning, and the acquaintance I went drinking with is a heterosexual male and I know this information from social networking and conversations with him. I read that if such a physical violation would have occurred it would be very obvious. I feel like this fear is completely absurd, but it is in my mind. I am afraid of testing for HIV again because of the possibility of a false positive, so I feel stuck in my anxiety. I also don't want to have to rely on frivolous testing to gain peace of mind. I already tested 4 months after I had unprotected sex and nearly 6 weeks after getting black out drunk. I actually began HIV testing when I was virgin because of my paranoia of this virus. Repeat testing seems to be a cyclical process with me. To summarize, I am fearful of HIV because I stubbed my finger in a theater, I am concerned of the validity of my HIV test 4 months after having unprotected sex with a female, and I am irrationally afraid of being violated when I was black out drunk. Any help regarding my anxiety would be very much appreciated.

[anxietyocd748]

Most of my fear now revolves around being black out drunk. My last HIV test coincides to approximately 5.5 weeks after my black out drinking episode. I have had incredibly irrational thoughts of being violated and not knowing it by my friends who may be secretly homosexual or other unknown persons. I recall waking up with the button on my jeans unbuttoned. I suppose this doesn't mean much by itself, but its not helpful for a mind that is extremely paranoid of HIV such as mine. Other than that, there was nothing odd or amiss. I guess I could have went to the bathroom and not remembered. I have not tested again because I am trying to avoid frivolous HIV testing. A response would be appreciated.

[RainLover71]

You need to seek urgent therapy for your OCD or you will be testing for the rest of your life.Don't buy into the irrational thoughts about HIV transmission because it's a very hard virus to contract.

[greenlydia]

Your 4 month test would have been 100% conclusive. Doubting the results is indicitive of HIV Anxiety and OCD type thinking.

If you had had anal sex, there would be absolutely no doubt in your mind, most especially if you had been "raped."

You wrote..........."I have had incredibly irrational thoughts of being violated and not knowing it by my friends who may be secretly homosexual or other unknown persons."

Ah, that actually goes beyond "irrational" thinking and into a realm of paranoia that needs immediate professional intervention. Thinking your friends may be "secret homosexuals" leaves me speechless.

You desperately need to get yourself in front of a psychiatrist and begin working on these issues. Like yesterday!

Perhaps the first step you can take is to stop getting "black out drunk."
Just sayin'............Having a clear recollection of what happened the night before would go a long way to ease your paranoia.

Get help. You need it urgently.
Greenlydia  

[anxietyocd748]

Thanks for the replies. I know my thinking is incredibly flawed, but the paranoid driven thoughts are in my head. I've had issues with obsessive thinking that primarily revolves around cancer and HIV for the past 8 years. Recently, someone suggested that I may have OCD so I have been looking into that as well as researching my fears. I have avoided testing during my meltdown because I have always had some sort of obsession for the past 8 years. My situation does not seem to warrant testing, and I would just find a new obsession. However, I do want to make sure I am not negligent in testing for HIV when needed, but deep down I believe my current situation is not needing a test.

[greenlydia]

You do not have HIV. Your test was 100% conclusive. You do not need any more testing.

But you DO need to get yourself into therapy, the sooner the better.

Someone suggested you may have OCD and you say that "you're looking into it as well as researching my fears." You've had 8 YEARS of looking into it and researching...............how has that worked out for you?

If you want your life back, if you want some peace, happiness, hope and normalacy, then you absolutely must get proactive in your own mental health and get the help you need and deserve.
I really wish you the best.
Peace
Greenlydia

[johnswifey30]

Hi! I'm Christy and I'm dealing with the exact same thing you are :( it ***** and you're in my prayers :)