My first sexual encounter that I deeply regret

I come from a conservative society and we do not have sex before marriage. One night I was very depressed so I went to a bar and had a lot of drinks. A prostitue came to me and I found myself going with her to her house. She give me an oral before puting the condom on. Then I had vaginal sex with her with a condom on during which I fingered her labia. I touched her labia with my tongue for no more that a second. Excuse me for all the details which I regret writing. Next day I woke up and I couldn't beleive what happened. I had diarrhea for the next 10 days, I couldn't eat, I lost my appetite, nausea, and mild fever. I am scared I have contracted HIV. Sometimes I feel tingling in my groins and I am out of order. Friends and family are confused why am I so quiet and depressed but I cannot share my fears with them.

[redelmo19]

I understand you come from an arab family, I can tell by your nick , anyways god is forgiving just pray, god will forgive you, we all make mistakes

[jul04]

I really think that you need to stop beating yourself up over this.  It was a mistake and mistakes are forgiveable.  If you are really concerned about hiv I would suggest you go and get tested.  I know that is scary but it will help save you from weeks, months and even years of worrying.  

Hopefully everything will come back fine and you can get on with your life.  I wish you all the best and I hope things turn out well for you.....

[5ateya]

I will test just waiting for the 3 months mark which is a bit frustrating and today I woke up with rash on my neck :S
Stressful situation.

Thanks guys for your answers.

[jennykate]

I understand ur hiv fear...currently going through it now! To ease your mind u can test at 6-8 weeks to get a good indication of what ur statùs will be at 3months. Good luck!

[5ateya]

I am having this bump under my chin/jaw that hurts when I press on it. That got me very scared. Does this indicate anything or is it just anxiety?
It has been a month and few days now and still very anxious and depressed. I have a meeting with a counselor tomorow.
A test now can be a good indication or is it useless as I will be traveling out my country for 2-3 months and I do not want to test abroad.

[5ateya]

Also I have a white tongue with small red spots for a long time now may be since the incident

[jul04]

Why don't you make an appointment with your dr....He/She will know if now would be a good time to test and they will be able to tell you what is going on with your chin and tonuge.  

Try not to freak out because you are causing yourself to have anxiety and that is only going to make things worse.  I would  definetly go to the dr because that might help ease your mind, especially if you are going out of the country.  Also don't forget whatever you tell your dr is confidential.

Good luck and feel better soon....

[Relayagain]

Hi. First I want to say that I highly doubt you'd be able to tell if you had an STD within that short time. The symptoms you rdescribing don't resemble any STD I know of and It takes about 3 to 6 months for HIV to even appear and to be tested so you don't have HIV. It sounds like your having guilt that is causing anxiety which brings on all the symptoms you described. Although I do belive you should tested for any STD's just to be safe. As far as the guilt and anxiety goes you need to be able to confide in someone other then yourself. If you feel like its to embarressing to talk about with family or friends try going to see a therapist. It can really be beneficial to talk to someone in a completely private setting where what you say is safe and open and the counselor can help you through this. Just discussing it will make you feel much better and then learn what you need to do to be able to accept what has happened and move on with your life. This guilt can cause physichal symtoms (symptoms) caused from that distinctive idea in your head that what you did was so wrong and if anyone found out it would be the end of the world guilt. Also if you have been feeling depressed lately then a therapist will be able to really discover the roots to why you feel the way you do. This will in term let you discover the way your feeling and why your feeling this way. This will help you to become a more happy and confident individual who takes each day as a new one. What you did might have been wrong because because of your moral standards but number 1  you were drunk and 2 you know what you did was wrong. Do you know how many people are just like you and have sex and continue doing so because they lost there morals for it. I mean its all up to if you belive in waiting till mariage not your conservative family. If you belive in it then you are strong to you morals and you regret deeply what you have done. This doesn't mean your not a virgin still it means you made a mistake that meant nothing to you. Your first time is when you realize that you want to give it all up for the one you love. That emotional connection is what makes sex an experience to be enjoyed both then AND after. There is also ceremoneys for people who wish to become a virgin again if you feel that this is the way to do so. It requires work, you have to study literature of the bible and then recite it. You really have to think though are you feeling guilty because your parents would be ashamed or are you feeling guilty for not waiting and that is not what god wants? You have to figure that one out for yourself. Your still a virgin if that night meant nothing to you when it comes to love. Maybe even find a support group at a church that is meant for this. Your sole is a sensitive, beautiful one, that has always been worth SO much more then you've been able to see, and one regret never changes that. You are still who you always were.

[5ateya]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me.

I followed your advice and went to a therapist which was a good session although one session can't do much but it was a step in the right direction and I intend to go through this way.

As you said, guilt is what's making me this anxious. I beleive that what I did is wrong and wrong deeds cannot go unpunished (even if HIV Prevention forum admins told me that I do not need testing) or do they? This is a question I will have to wait to find its answer.

I have been prescribed for OCD medications and I am having some ups and downs through out the days but mostly I am trapped inside my head thinking it over and over again.

I will have a test in a week which I hope would lower my anxiety a bit.

Thank you for your support and valuable advices.

[5ateya]

I was planning to test on Saturday to ease my mind a bit. How wrong was I!! Tested with 2 finger pricks kits one was totally neg and the other is showing faint positive lines. Dr. Who tested me was talking to me as if I am HIV pos already and actualy I am starting to think I am. Last night was the worst of my life yet couldn't sleep ate nothing the whole day diarrhea and extreme nausea had a panic attack all night with voices in my head and constant nightmares waking up ever half an hour full of sweat. Positive for one mistake!! And where my odds, low as everyone told me.  All I wanted was a second chance I would never have done this again. My parents will be crushed they love and respect me so much and I am about to crush their hearts. I feel ruined and lost. I am waiting for counseling and test in couple of hours. Waiting for a positive result this time!

[Lexis44]

Please please understand that you have to stop beating yourself up.  No matter what religion you are, your god, like mine, is a forgiving god.  He knows that we are only human and we all make mistakes.  You are not the first in your religion and you will definitely not be the last one ih your religion to have a sexual encounter before marriage but you are still a child of your god and you are loved!  Enough!  Say a prayer, express your sorrow in prayer, ask for forgiveness, and know in your heart that you are forgiven.  Live life to YOUR fullest - any god would only want that for you.  I will say a prayer for you but you are the one who must let go and be a child of your god again - while remembering that we are expected to make mistakes - that is why we need our religion and why we are truly forgiven for our human mistakes.  Say your prayer and then put a smile on your face and thank your god for this experience because whether you realize it or not, it has made you a better person and a better follower of your faith.  Good luck and remember -  your god loves YOU!!!!

[panicked1]

I have been following your post and praying for you. Have you got your test back. Please post your results.

[5ateya]

negative : )

[panicked1]

alright my brother you have put a giant smile on my face  mine was also negative at 8 weeks yesterday Except for the fact you are in Cairo and Im in Miami our stories are almost Identical .

[jul04]

I am so happy for both of you 5ateya and panicked1.  Now 5ateya you need to forgive yourself and get on with living a great life!!!  

Lots of luck!!!

[may201010]

Hey 5atya,
I am from Jordan, same situation as yours with many symptoms, my exposure was in may (4 months) and still negative ... will go for the 6 months because (doctor in Amman 7akalee bedo 6 months... i got all types of tests available in Amman).

[5ateya]

Jul and Panicked
Thank you for your care and prayers.
Your support was invaluable.

[5ateya]

I guess 3 months is the conclusive mark.
My doctor told me that 6 weeks is pretty enough and does not recommend any further testing for me.
I guess one of the problems with HIV is uncertainity.
Some say 6 weeks and some say 6 months. Symptoms that are very confusing and may all be caused due to stress. Condoms are 100% safe or not. Oral sex is no, low, high risk.
For God's sake, it's an illness that may OR may not show any symptoms and when it does it is flu-like symptoms, fatigue, ... !!
Very confusing and thats what causes this extreme stress and anxiety.
I will just try staying out of trouble and no more depression+alcohol+prostitutes situations.