Hi, I really like my friend. She has been so amazing since we met. But she is much old then I am. Me in my twenties and her in her 60's...She mentioned once that she "loved me" I said ahh I love you too... then she said "but I really like you, like you" and I was disguted. She is married and I am gay. The issue with this crush she had was really early on... and she apologized but I learned a lot from that situation because at lease she was brave to say her feelings and I beleive thats admirable (at least i decided that it was in the long run). Still dont want a older woman or any woman for that matter crushing on me.
That was over 3 years ago and we've been friends longer then the time between we met and that happened. We work together all day long! I have been off from work and so has she for the last two weeks. (ahh very much needed) At work she started getting quite then annoyed at the fact that I became friends with my other female colleage who is so nice to me. The other girl and I alternate bringing dunkin donuts in the morning and we often spend times after work texting or talking. My orinal friend would also do the same with the other girl but then the older woman would start making suggestions and asking that myself and the other girl dont publically say at work or to each other that she either invited us over her house, went shopping together, went to a movie or whatever really. I was so annoyed because its really stupid and just too dramatic for me.
At one point recently the older became upset because she said I was heartless and cruel. At work she started slamming things and being cold to me and trying to immaturely become close with the other girl...by bringing her coffee and so when I would get to work I'd have to see she did already...then she wouldent even tell me and I would just have no coffee or have to get my own.
Gets better...the other girl said "you know please try to hash it out because we all work together" The older and myself are teacher assistance and the other girl is the lead as the teacher. We teach special education and we work with a small group of high function high school students with Autism. Our classroom has no windows til the point where I became vitamin D deficient and I get tired. I am so bored at this job I have my degree and I cant pass a test. I went to a doctor and found out I was dealing with bi-polar disorder and ADD which explained a lot of the issues I was dealing with on the personal level.
I never typically had this new level of anxiety.I was a victim of domestic violence and its going on two years in october. After that incident I just became a diffrent person and have so many trust issue. I was broke, alone and single without any concept or oppertunity to engage with anyone outside of work...it was simply the worse slump of my life and I still feel im getting over it and often think about the abuse everyday.
The older woman is so great at listening to my problems and even offers spiritual and emotional support, but she expects the same from me to do for her...but I simply can’t. I’m continuously emotionally void and often times feel that I’m going to die or that maybe dying feels the same way I feel. I am on a new and higher bumped up dosage of medicine and so I know the side effect is Nassau. But! I only get this feeling when I talk with the older woman. Sometimes she will text me or calls me or never do it at all. I think maybe she likes to be wanted then wants to redraw to affect me on the emotional level...but it doesn’t work because I could care less.
I just started my own business and I’m still working at the school. I am in graduate school and I work another job after school because the business isent making enough money to really provide any income at this point. I keep failing the teacher test and it really is causing me to redraw form this school teacher job all together. I love working with the class I have, it’s the first time I’m not working with emotionally disturbed and severely aggressive students with multi-sensory issues. At my last school before I would finally get a transfer I would cry every day and I was still in that abusive relationship. I felt so stressed out and was even injured on the job several times...My hearing was even being affected because one student would scream all day and I would have to be the only one working with him despite my request to get some assistance and time away from him.
Id has to change his diaper and get kicked by him and he would touch himself in his private parts and put it on me which means I had fecal matter on me. It was so bad all the other kids would cry too before coming to the class. The other teacher and I would bound during this and we did the best we could to cope with having this student who needed a different environment. We had a third girl and she ended up getting bit so hard that her bone showed then she got kicked in the head and passed out. After going out the school in a teacher she was moved to a different class. We then had this guy who was a drug addict who was good but he would fall asleep standing up lol. It was terrible and what could we do?
I ended up demanding to leave and have since been black balled from a teaching job. I have been placed in this annex away from everyone but its better because I like the kids. I go to work every day feeling threatened of a possible job loss or being again placed with the types of kids that hurt me. I just never know...so everyday I’m late but not by much. Maybe 15mins or 5 mins or ten mins. Once half hour or once an hour but I woke up late from being manic all night and having sex with random strangers.
I love the fact that I started my business as I just got great news today but I hate the other after school job I have. I work with families who have emotionally disturbed children and kids with depression. My concern is that it is not helping me with the way I feel and I leave that job feeling lifeless and that death is easier then dealing with my life. After a couple hours the feeling fades.
How can I deal with this older friend if she wants "drama"...she lives for it and wants to talk about life problems all the time! Once in a while it was fine but after a while it just became enough! I’m sick of it and I’m getting sick of looking at her. I’m now actually felt sick just thinking about my "friend". I don’t hate her...she is human too but I have never felt so stressed when someone engages in conversation via phone or text. Today it took a new life as she was texting me and it kept interrupting my lunch break at my business job and the text conversation I was having with a guy I really like. It just became a constant disruption to me. I couldn’t eat after I prepared a delouse meal. The food just tasted like poison to me and I wanted to vomit. I tried to eat a little because I was hungry (I had breakfast so that’s not the issue). I then just felt the room spinning (I drink a lot of water so wasn’t dehydrated). Then my heart rate when up and I felt the urge and then ran to the toilet to vomit...but nothing but pile came up. I felt like the food was trapped in my stomach and that I couldn’t breath! Before it happened maybe 10 mins I felt over-whelmed with the business because I had a lot to do but i still scheduled a lunch. I took a pleasure pressure pill my psychiatrist gave me because I don’t believe in using highly addictive prescription drugs so xnax or lithium is out the question. I don’t like taking saint john’s wart or anything cuz I burp the taste! YuK!
After puking my life up and feeling my shoulders start to spasm I then went to sit at my desk as I made my schedule to go back at that time...(I like to try and keep to a schedule even thought I run my own company). Like I said the company is taking time to launch but I’m making really good progress. When I sat down I was reviewing my list and then my mom called but I didn’t save her number because I got a new phone. I had to get a blackberry because the I-phone I had was causing me to be stressed with the touch screen! The iPhone would actually make manic and full of anxiety with its inability to register my fingers. Then my mom called and instead of listening to me when I said "hang on I need to fix my head set so I can hear you" She was saying "huh? What’s going on" I love my mom to death but she caught me in a manic moment and I was just finishing the vomiting episode and my phone was still blinking from text the older lady sent me. I felt and still feel terrible about screaming at my mom. I called her back when I was calm and I explained myself and said it was an issue I’m dealing with related to my bi-polar issue but that I’m really making an effort to work on it. (my mom is full of anxiety! But I try to leave it to her a not engage in the bird of a feather/flock together thing with her anxiety).
I stopped seeing my therapist on Saturdays because my bussiness just consumes all my time. I really want it to succeed so I am turning to this forum in hopes that someone out there would be able to interact with me and maybe compare to my story and offer ways they have dealt with this. I feel seeing my therapist was a waste if the bussiness was prioorty because I felt obligated to going and I also felt and still do feel I have more than enough stratagies for managing which helps such as stopping the vomiting.
When the episodes come they lately make me again…dizzy, nauseous, cold sweats, seeing objects a bit strangely like as if they are twisted or bent…not often but like say for example a door frame w small suddel curves. I thought I needed glasses but I don’t. I can’t stop taking this medicine as it works a bit and its finally getting to a dose that will work soon by the next step up (hopefully/the bi-polar meds). I take Lamactil 200mgs and we are aiming for 250 or 300. I alwasys feel lonely and I really have no desire to leave the home. As I type im having flashes of heat and cold across my body and the sweats. My heart seems calm but my chest seems full of butterflies. MY food and left can stop shaking and I feel dizzy. I am going to try and work out in my lawn and get some air to see if between the two it helps.
I cant live like this. I don’t know what to do and my pshychiatrist is on vacation. I been on he lacatical 200mpg for over a month now and just started expeirancing this within the last two weeks.
BUT its only when I talk about the older woman and when she jumps into the picture. I just feel so obligated to being her friend because she once said I was heartless and cold.
Anyone have an idea of what I maybe experiencing? I had no idea anxiety could be so bad… What can I do to treat this or handel? The breaths don’t even work…
P.S I been home for two weeks and have hardly been out because the anxiety is just too much. When its time to go back to the school I don’t know how I am going to handle all the upcoming changes including the fact that everyone says “you have your masters but u don’t teach/why not” and Its because that damn test which I just found out I failed again. I think I need more test time due to the ADD.
Let me stop this manic friggen post because I highly doubt anyone wants to read so much but I just wish and hope someone who knows does.
That story is intense. You are in a bad way at the moment.
The 2 most important things I think you should do as soon as you can are to quit the job so you aren't working with the older woman anymore, and start seeing your therapist again on Saturdays.
Things will not improve for you until you make these two things happen.
Forget about everything else and focus on these two actions.
I STRONGLY support the advice given to you by Idiotequeture.
I think it is imperative that you leave this job and put as much distance as possible between you and this older woman. She has issues I can't even begin to fathom, and I fear she could find a way to hurt your reputation in your chosen field.
Resume your therapy sessions as soon as possible. You need a real professional to help you get through this slump.
You say you have a degree, so between that and your experience, you have a good chance of finding work soon.
But YOUR health, both mental and physical needs to come first right now. This is a very unhealthy situation and you need to get out of it.
I wish you the best and admire your work with Autisic children.
Starting now ignore this lady for your own good. It doesn't matter where you go, you are going to have to learn to stand up for yourself and do what's right for yourself. IF you can change your job, but if that's not possible, just ignore this old lady. You've already said that she started to play games with your other friend. So be it. Let her deal with this woman. If they're not part of the solution they're part of the problem. You don't owe anybody anything and your mental and physical health must come first. Let her find someone else to latch on to, don't give a crap about that! This is your life, and don't let anyone take it over. Best of luck in your new business. Get back to your therapist on Saturdays. I'm so sorry you're feeling so poorly. You will be in my thoughts when school goes back this week. Please take care and keep posting so you don't feel so alone! You are not alone, but you DO need your space, so just take it!!
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