No one will pay attention! I need help : (

Over the past couple of months my depression has come back with a vengence, and this time it has company. I have had what were apparently mild anxiety attacks for a long time, never knowing it was separate from my ADHD. but this semester (Junior in college), but this semester back to back stressful events led to mounting pressure. I started having overpowering anxiety in response to school stress. (My medicine is Focalin for Add, Wellbutrin for Depression).

The most debilitating was math, a subject I struggle with in part due to learning disorders, but i do have  some accommodations with the school. But it got to the point that I couldnt even manage to get through math class, I had to block her out in order to keep myself from freaking out in front of the class. Then I couldn't  do the homework without an attack, then I couldn't get to class. So I haven't been to math in a month. I have an exam tomorrow.

I started talking to my therapists (one at school and one at home) about it recently and they said to look into a med increase, continued work in therapy, and tutoring. So I have been trying to get an appointment to up my antidepressant and get put on an anti-anxiety (they suggested buspar as an option), but all booked up till january. They assured me that the tutors are there to help people like me, and that I didn't have to be embarrassed. And I have a math exam tomorrow so I finally worked up the courage to go the the math study center yesterday. What a disaster..

I sat in an empty section out of view for at least 15 minutes trying to calm myself down from the pressure and the guilt and embarrassment. When I finally got the courage, I asked for a tutor. I was hoping for a girl, but got a guy. I said I was very behind because I have been having anxiety problems, that my exam was on Friday, and I needed help catching up and understanding the material. He looked pretty surprised, like I was a lost cause (strike one). He said well what do you have trouble with, I said I didnt know anything we had been doing. He suggested I start by reading over the material and then ask about what was confusing. I must have looked scarred because he added, well whats one thing you are studying? Logarithms. So he spent 10 minutes explaining it, then said to try some on my own and ask if I had questions and left (strike 2). So I sat there thinking I had a handle on the concept enough to try some examples, but I looked at it and tried it. I couldnt figure out what he had done or why, it was like always. I got so overwhelmed I started to panic, but for 20 minutes I sat there forcing myself to stay and getting a minute or two of calm before I spun out again. The tears were coming up and the humiliation of all of it was getting unbearable. Then I saw him walk past the door and realized how embarrasing it would be when he came to check (strike 3). I stuffed my things in my bag and bolted through the back.

I just wanted someone to say, 'it's ok, I can walk you through this one by one". I wanted someone to sit with me and explain the concepts I missed one at a time and work through examples with me, and when I was confused to not look at me like I'm stupid. I was prepared to spend as many hours on it as it would take. But I felt like no one could or would do that with me, I felt abandoned. I know he couldnt have known unless I said it, but the humiliation of being a junior in math 122, and failing it, on top of the stigma of having psych problems (which his face clearly expressed) made me paralyzed just to think about going to the center at all. So when I was there I did everything I think I was emotionally capable of at the time. I just wish the anxiety would go away. : (  

[lost_myself]

Anxiety and depression can have a really bad effect on concentration. Then when you panic about not understanding  its almost like a self fueling fire. i'm sure this isnt what you want to hear but if you approach it slower and more calmly , all of the sudden you will just "get it" , I think the anxiety just creates a mental block of sorts. I started a new job before i was recovered and had the same things happen ..someone would explain something & I wouldnt understand ..It made feel dumb, then i got scared they would think i couldnt do what i was hired for and the pressure would make figuring it out even worse ..id sweat , shake almost go into a full attack . Then I realized if i stepped away , calmed down and approached it differently ...it would just come to me ..like it was there the whole time i just couldnt see it.
I wish I could help more directly with what you are trying to figure out. By your post you seem very intelligent and capable..just believe in yourself and try a new approach..Take care