One night of drinking brought it all back, and more...

[XxColdFusionxX]

I apologize for my story of a post, I just really need to get this out to someone, anyone, I need to get my story out to people that can relate, instead of friends and family who don't understand.

I had suffered from anxiety, panic attacks, and depression from the ages of 6 - 18. I know I've been suffering from such a young age because I can remember my first panic attack very clearly, and in a house I only lived in from birth to the age of 6. I remember talking about death with my mother, and suddenly it hit me, I could die right now, and be gone, and that everyone I know will someday die, now that I look back I realize I was having my first real panic attack; I just walked into the bathroom, and stood there, in a daze of fear and anxiety. My childhood was filled with family problems, and a mildly abusive step father. After a few moves, at the age of 8 I moved here, and continued to live with all my symptoms. At that point I also developed strangely high sexual traits, which ended up with sexual experience with both sexes at the age of 8, at that point my anxiety also adapted a roller coaster kind of daily habit, randomly every day there would be around 5 minutes at which point I felt amazing, everything was clear, and I could"t stop smiling, but after those 5 minutes everything crept back...

From 5th grade to 11th grade I dated a girl who in 8th grade confessed she had anorexia, that year was also her first of many affairs with other people male and female... I convinced myself my anxiety was coming from her, and her actions, because when I wasn't with her, I was in a constant state of panic, I couldn't sit, eat, go out in public, or develop a sleep pattern. Some months I would barley sleep at all, some I would sleep every minute I could, to try to drown out what I was feeling. In the middle of all of it, at the age of 16 my father passed of cancer, the night before he passed, his girlfriend and I along with Friends of his went to the hospital, at which point I was running a 104 degree fever from a virus I had, I couldn't feel anything from that night on, I went numb, the day after he passed, I didn't cry, I didn't feel a lose, I could"t feel at all. I think that was my first feeling of depersonalization, I was now in a dream like state, still with all of my anxiety, and numbness, I started to have terrible thoughts of suicide, and random disturbing images. The dream like state faded over a few months, but everything else stayed. Last year, that girl broke up with me, at which point I was having the worst panic attack of my life, many times I had 911 dialed in on my phone, but could never press the send key.

That is also when things began to change, I honestly no matter how hard I try can't remember how my recovery came to be, but around 4 months after that break up, I became to feel normal, and soon after that was completely normal, no anxiety, no depression, For almost a year I was a normal kid, I hung out with friends, could hang in my room for days just enjoying movies or video games, it was as if the years prior never happened... Than, on Halloween night, about one month ago, my friend had a party, that night for the first time in my life I drank hard alcohol, and a lot of it, I puked for almost 4 hours, and could't walk, my friends almost took me to the hospital. The next morning all those terrible feelings I have had for so many years before, all came back as strong as ever, and now with a terrible case of depersonalization, I have heard other people have anxiety and this feeling the night after drinking, or drugs, so I waited it out for a week, nothing happened. It's almost a month after that night now, and I'm terrified that I will be suffering for everything that ruined my childhood, for the rest of my youth, or even life...

As of now, I'm 19, and my depersonalization worries me more than my anxiety, I can't shake this dream like feeling, I can deal with anxiety, because I have more experience than I would like dealing with it, but this depersonalization is driving me over the edge to suicidal thoughts again, and I also have terrible vivid dreams, that haunt me even when I wake... I hate myself for drinking that one night, my life was perfectly normal... I don't even know what I'm asking for, I just want to be in reality again, I'm constantly looking up my symptoms to try to find out what happend to me that night, so far my research has led me to depersonalization, which scares me ever more because people post about how they've suffered with it for decades, and the recovery threads always end with " I still have trouble dealing, but..." I have not seen a doctor, because we don't have insurance, but I almost don't want to... I guess I'm asking if this will fade over time, or if I brought back a disorder which will be long term... If anyone has anything to say, please feel free, both suffering or recovery related, I want to hear you stories.

Thank you for reading this jumbled mess, really, thank you.

[Prizma]

Welcome to the forums :)

Well I must say you have a grasp on things much more than I did at your age. *grin* I can only remember back as far as around age 11 or 12 for my first panic attack. My father had taken us to a japanese restaurant for dinner when all of a sudden I felt hot and sick. That's all I remember. I never fully understood the concept of panic attacks until a few years ago. Needless to say the journey has not been easy ;)

I'm getting the sense that your depersonalization definitely stems from unresolved issues in your past & present. You don't want to be who or where you are right now so you're trying to get out of that. Have you had any counselling at all?

Also, you're too hard on yourself. You're focusing on all the negative things and surrounding yourself with those thoughts. That's normal with anxiety and depression, believe me. It's a hard pattern to break.  So you ended up drinking one night. Big deal. Yes the things that happened afterwards really sucked however you took a chance. Don't hate yourself for that. Don't go looking for reasons why it happened--as you've probably discovered with searching for answers, it's sometimes more overwhelming than you've anticipated. Often it also leads to more attacks or you become so convinced and focused about one symptom that you're not willing to listen to reason. Start focusing on the good things (you mentioned video games, friends, movies, etc) and try to keep those thoughts forward in your mind.

Is there an easy fix to all of this? If there was, there wouldn't be this forum. Whether or not you're going to fight it out is up to you. Don't let the thought of not having insurance stop you from seeking help. There has to be some place in Jersey that will help you. I managed to seek out help and got on medications. That's a journey in itself because finding the right medication or combination of medications can be frustrating. Recently I had a panic attack and beat myself up for it the whole day... and it was my birthday! I felt stupid because everything was going so well and I was seriously happy... so why did the attack come? I became focused on finding out the why so it wouldn't happen again. Guess what... with panic attacks I've discovered that's pretty pointless because we all know that they happen anytime, anywhere, for no reason we can see. I'm trying to roll with the punches now. If I get really dizzy I think it's pretty cool wandering around like that! I don't see it as a negative. Of course if I was throwing up, I wouldn't be along that same thought. lol

Is it going to fade over time? who knows. I spent months in agony in bed because the attacks were so bad. I've been dealt this hand of cards and believe me I've wanted to fold many times. I haven't yet mainly because my best friend would kick my *** if I did something like that... yes it wouldn't matter if I was dead or alive. She would hunt me down. I guess what I'm saying is that I've tried to stop letting anxiety/panic control my life. I'm learning to co-exist with it and really trying to find a way to grab it by the horns instead of having it kick me in the gut. You're not alone in this. I unfortunately was through my childhood and most of my adulthood.

Hope some of my babbling helps.. *grin*

[silverberg]

please understand I am not making light of your situation, you start by saying you had to talk about the death of a loved one (your MOTHER) that can be the hardest thing to deal with, especially at that age, VERY young for someone to be aware of their mortality mortality (for you this was at a very young age to deal with),

Then you say you  experimented with both sexes,(around 8 yrs. old)  that is very normal for that age group, then you write about a girl friend and HER PROBLEMS (please note them are her problems) from what you write you need to deal with your problems and YOUR PROBLEMS ONLY! we can not have good relationships until we are comfortable with ourselves.

Finally, you talk of your drinking (which you think brought this on) many of us who have our first panic/anxiety attack associate  our first attack with what was happening at that time, I have heard of people who ate at a  restaurant and thought that was the reason for PA, and others like me who got their first PA in a car, so believe that was the problem.

As for no insurance, THAT IS A EXCUSE, everywhere in the USA has places you can go to for free and or sliding scale.

I had panic for 5 years (almost made me house bound) then was gone for 10 years (as I WORKED on my issues), then it came back 3 months ago after a move and change in my life (for the better) financially and personally.

NOW FINALLY AS FOR YOUR SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, THIS IS THE REASON I AM EVEN TAKING THE TIME TO WRITE BACK, YOU NEED TO KNOW IF YOU EVEN GET THE SLIGHTEST THOUGHT OF SUICIDE, YOU CALL 911 (PERIOD) OR YOU CALL A SUICIDE PREVENTION (CHECK WITH 411 OR YOUR YELLOW PAGES).
this forum is great for support, but is in NO WAY here to help with suicidal thoughts, I am a medical professional, but I am here as Samuel  a person with Panic Disorder!

you really seem to have had allot going on in your life, your very young and from what you write your a SURVIVOR! So go get help and now is not the time to play around, I would as you also look through some of the people here, young, old and of every color and sexual orientation, and read some of their stories, one thing I see when I go through a persons journal entries or just their post I SEE PEOPLE TAKING CHARGE OF THEIR LIFE AND GETTING BETTER, AND WHEN THEY FALL BACK, WE ARE ALWAYS HERE TO HELP THEM GET UP AND KEEP MOVING FORWARD, I KNOW, I AM ONE OF THEM PEOPLE, I WAS GETTING BETTER AND THEN 'HAD A SET BACK' BUT PEOPLE HERE REMINDED ME, SOMETIMES ITS TWO STEPS FORWARD AND ONE STEP BACK AND THAT'S OK. !! PLEASE KEEP US INFORMED. and feel free to send me a email or call if needed.

[alee520]

Do take care. Send me a PM if needed. The struggles can be overcomed. We just have to believe, and keep trying.

[XxColdFusionxX]

Thanks for you're posts guys, all of you made me see things I was over looking, and I thank you for that, really. The past day or two I seem to be having a slight break through in preventing panic attacks, when I feel them coming, and some what subsiding anxiety, as some time passes, I'll see if this is really working for me again, and if I find it's a realiable thing, I'll share it with you all, and see how it works for you. =)

[KirstinMc]

Hi there, I too suffer from terrible anxiety attacks which I think may stem from family issues but then I never can tell. I tend not to be coping with the axiety attacks too well until I read this thing a company called Panic Away sent me. Will email it to you and hope this helps anyone who is feeling similar.

If you ever need a chat, I log on most nights XXXXX

[KirstinMc]

Palpitations


Palpitations are short, abrupt periods in which the heart suddenly starts beating fast. If you’re in a sensitive state, this can ring alarm bells because you fear a sudden heart attack. The more you panic, the faster the heart beats. It’s therefore understandable why many people in this situation jump to conclusions and call for medical help. What you have to remember is that palpitations are perfectly natural and can often be caused by exhaustion or stimulants like caffeine. Your heart is an incredibly strong muscle, and it won’t stop or explode simply because it’s beating hard and fast. A healthy heart can beat fast all day long and not be in any danger.



Missed Heartbeats

The medical term for missed heartbeats is extrasystoles. A missed heartbeat is usually an extra beat between two normal beats. Given the pause that follows this premature beat, it just seems as if one beat was missed. And because the heart’s lower chambers fill with a greater-than-usual amount of blood during the pause, the next regular heartbeat can feel like a bit of a jolt. When you feel this sensation, you often freeze and wait in terror to see if your heart is in trouble.

Such missed beats are generally harmless. It can help to sit down when you feel this sensation, but if you wish to keep moving, do so. Exercise won’t cause the situation to get worse, and don’t convince yourself that going home to lie down is the only way to help the situation. If you retreat every time you feel an unusual sensation, that behavior can reinforce a negative idea that your home is the only safe place to be. Our hearts are not atomic clocks that always keep time; they speed up, slow down, or occasionally beat in an irregular fashion. People with anxiety are very keen observers of all bodily functions. From time to time, you may notice an irregular beat or two. This is nothing to get upset about.

Sometimes, individuals go through similar worries about their heart as they do with their breathing. People convince themselves that if they worry enough about their heart, or concentrate too much upon its actions, it may somehow get confused and forget how to beat correctly. It’s quite common for people who suffer from panic attacks to check in on their heart at regular intervals to make sure it’s still beating away.

If you simply can’t stop obsessing about your heart, here are some tips:

• Get a full medical examination. If you don’t, your mind will always bring up the “what if something really is wrong” card. When you get a clean bill of health, trust in the results and don’t second-guess them. If you really must, get a second opinion—but after that, stop doubting your good health.

• Remember that your body has incredible internal intelligence. Simply telling your heart, out of panic, that it might stop doesn’t mean that it heeds your fears. Learn to become more comfortable with your heart, and let it do its job. Listen to it when you’re relaxed and also when you’re exercising. The more comfortable you are with the diversity and range of your heartbeats, the more confidence you’ll have in it.

• Allow your heart to beat in whatever rhythm it sees fit. Don’t try to control the natural rhythms of your body by always insisting on a calm heartbeat. The more you allow your body to flow in the manner it so chooses, the faster it will return to a state of rest.

Very often, your heart only wants to palpitate a bit, thump a few beats harder. Why? That’s the heart’s own business. It’s your mind that interferes and panics, causing the adrenaline to kick off a longer cycle of rapid heartbeats. So from now on, make a verbal agreement with your heart that you’re going to stop interfering and obsessing over its health and trust in it 100 percent. Then hand over the controls. Let go to whatever way your heart wishes to behave. By allowing the sensations to happen and simply getting on with your day, you release the anxiety that you hold around your heart as well as the cautious monitoring of every heartbeat.