What I'm about to say is extremely embarassing and I have been holding this secret in for years. I can no longer cope with it, I feel disgusted, ashamed, and very depressed because of it.
Anyway, when I was 12 years old I was going through a phase where I was discovering my sexuality. I remember one night my cat was sleeping in my bed with me and he was being very cuddly and affectionate, and next thing I knew I began rubbing it against my bare groin to pleasure myself. About a year later I realized what I had done, and I was so disgusted with myself I spiralled into a deep depression. Things got better but I am now 23 and recent events have triggered this memory again. I now am incredibly depressed and have even been suicidal. I can't seem to forget this incident, or forgive myself. I should mention that I am a normal person! I am NOT attracted to animals, and this incident never happened again. I am currently a pharmacy student, i'm bright and educated, I have a good family and friends, and a wonderful boyfriend whom i've been with for six years. Other than this incident, I had a good childhood; my parents are great people and I have not been sexually abused, as I know many of you may think this is the root cause of my issues.
I have had talks with two different therapists and they both said there was nothing wrong with what I did, I was just a curious young girl. However, I can't seem to hold on to what they tell me. I think I would like to get the opinion of the general public.
First of all, was rubbing it agains my groin considered sex? I am sooooo terrified that it was. At the time I didn't think that's what I was doing! I think I was just tring to masturbate. Both therapists have told me that no, it was not sex, or bestiality. But I am still very depressed and upset. Secondly, one main reason that i'm depressed is that I feel like a fraud. I'm constantly thinking: "what if my boyfriend knew? or my friends knew what I did when I was a child"? I feel guilty and that they would think I am a disgusting person if they knew, even though it happened when I was a child!! Am I overreacting? Is this something I should be concerned about (as in my boyfriend or friends knowing?? PLEASE PLEASE help me, I can't stop crying and I feel like my life isn't worth living because of this stupid thing I did as a kid. Is this really so abnormal to 'experiment' when you are a kid? I've heard that masturbating with objects and stuffed animals isn't considered abnormal for children, so could a pet really be any different??
You were a child and no harm was done, you need to let this go. Your therapists told you correctly and now you have to accept this so you can get on with your life. Everyone has something they're not proud of, but you need to see it this as an innocent thing you did as a little girl. This one little, harmless incident is preventing you from living your life, it's controlling you. Take back your power my leaving this incident in the past where it belongs....and not making you feel bad today. Children do lots of things like this and it doesn't make them bad, they're just experimenting and learning about different things. You sound like a wonderful person, please don't allow this to bother you any longer......you did nothing wrong. It's time to put a period on this and live a happy life. Best wishes.
I'm guessing that you might have general anxiety that is causing you to hold onto this one event and blow it out of proportion. I don't mean to be rude when I say you are making a big deal out of nothing - it's obviously a big deal to you! But I think it's pretty common for young adolesents to experiement in an unusual way. You did not harm, and you are not a fraud! Nobody is perfect and I think everyone has done something they regret! I really hope you can leave this in the past and move on. Life is too short to be unhappy!! I wish you all the best.
Thanks to both of you, I really appreciate your comments. To lisabeth: I don't think you were being rude, in fact I LIKE when people tell me I blow things out of proportion because it does help me to try and leave it in the past. And you are right, I think I do have general depression, but it's hard to know which came first: my bad memory causing the depression or my depression causing me to dwell on past memories i'm not proud of. I've been on effexor for the past 7 months but I don't feel like it's helping. I am going to continue going to therapy because I want to get over this in the worst way.
But like I said, my biggest thing I'm holding on to is this feeling that I am a fraud. I just can't imagine what my loved ones would think of me if they knew. I do try and justify it by telling myself: "it doesn't matter, you're 23! You were a CHILD back then so why would they even care?? It's not who you are as a person!" I feel like my logic is there but not the appropriate emotions to go with it; if that makes sense. I think I do have some underlying mental issue (as in depression or anxiety, or maybe even OCD) that is causing me to hold on to this memory. With that being said, I plan on continuing therapy for as long as I need.
I will also sometimes start to fixate on one thing, and it will just spiral out of control, until it takes on a whole life of it's own. And then it is so hard to think rationally!
Of course one silly act as a 12 year old shouldn't define who you are! (If that was the case, I'd be in trouble! :) . ) You are very smart to see a therapist! You will come out of this a stronger, even smarter person!
I think that you are making biggerfa deal than it is omit may be very common but sso ewhat it's all over you know you'll never do it again you were a little girl who knew no better I would not beat myself up over that you never know many other kids or adult may or have done the sae thing it's brave. Of you to admit it forget it's done hand. Over
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