Panic Attacks Creeping Back Into My Life

  About seven years ago I had a terrible time with depression and panic attacks. A lot of things had gone wrong in my life, and I used to smoke a lot of cannabis (I gave up about a year before this depression began because I knew it was damaging my mental health), and I believe this is what triggered it, but it escalated beyond understanding and I really struggled to cope. I've had panic attacks ever since I was a small child, but the black depression that accompanied it at this time was overwhelming. I would barricade my door, cry hysterically when the phone rang, punch walls until my knuckles swelled, drink heavily, chain smoke, and act generally out of control. I went to a psychiatrist, and eventually emerged the other side of this bout (without any medication). For a while it would return, but the incidents would last a shorter amount of time with each recurrence, and the intervals between would get longer. It's been about five years now since I last felt like that, or had a panic attack.

  Until two weeks ago. I've had a very minor cold, and had a tight chest, and I don't know whether this was the trigger or not (because I've had umpteen colds in the last five years, and nothing like this has happened) but I ended up having a massive panic attack because I felt I couldn't breathe properly. I understand panic attacks, and when I feel them coming on I can usually crush them before they properly develop, but I was completely unable to reign this one in. I ended up tearful, hands flapping, unable to swallow, struggling to get my breathing under control (even though I know all the breathing exercises). Since then I have had a panic attack every day, and also tend to wake up in the middle of the night, thrown bolt upright in a surge of fear, struggling to get my breath. I've started crying over incidents I would usually be able to deal with, and once I start I tend to cry for hours at a time.

  I am terrified that I am going to end up like I was seven years ago. I am going through a stressful time, but no more so than other times in the past that I have managed to cope with without incident. I work in a creative field, so I am concerned about taking medication that could subdue my imagination, and also as someone who took lots of drugs as a teenager I have a fear of taking anything that alters your personality, but I simply can't go back to how it was. I know I need to take control of this before it spirals out of control, but I don't know what to do. Last time this happened, I had issues that needed a psychiatrist to talk to, but this feels like it has just appeared out of thin air.

I just don't know what to do.

[be still my beating heart 13]

Were you taking any cold medication??  Taking cold meds of any kind is bad news for me!  I agree with you about the weed triggering the disorder as I smoked weed alot as a teenager/young adult.  You sound as if you are stuck in a major anxiety rut and you may need so help pulling yourself of this one!  I hope this helps you and that you felt well today!  Good luck to you!

Cori