Physically and Emotionally Shot

[anonymous980]

A few months ago I began to have intrusive homosexual thoughts I began to have really bad anxiety symptoms. I would often test myself and masturbate to make sure these thoughts were not anything real or of truth. I became so sick of the intrusive thoughts I experimented masturbating to these homosexual thoughts about people I know. The experience was very unpleasant. After that I felt even worse the thoughts seemed to go away but now 3 months later I feel like this experience has began to haunt me, almost like i have ptsd. I feel so much shame, guilt, and disgust. I'm physically and emotionally shot. I've seen a therapist and was starting to feel better at first, but now I feel like 10 times worse. I totally regret the whole experience but these intrusive thoughts have botherd me in the past as well. I just don't want this experience to haunt me for the rest of my life. I dont know what to do or how I can bury this experience and put it behind me.

[lonewolf07]

There is nothing wrong with being gay or fantasizing about other men.  If my sons were gay, it wouldn't bother me at all.

Having intrusive thoughts is a different thing.  You said you tried masturbating while thinking about men and now feel worse.  Maybe you were just experimenting with your sexuality.  Have you ever thought you might be gay but fear  the social stigma attached to it - like really thought about it.  If you feel so bad after all this time, on the surface it seems like you are homophobic.  Did you talk to your therapist about it?  Have you tried contacting gay websites to see if others share your feelings?

I might not be the one you need to hear from because I honestly do not think there is anything wrong with being gay or bisexual.  I have thought a lot about my own sexuality and preferences and it isn't easy being honest with yourself.  Ultimately, I realized that I was straight.

Hope your therapist can help you with this.

[anonymous980]

I don't question my sexuality what so ever. I do not get physically or emotionally attracted to men whatsoever. My therapist already talked to me about that whole issue of being gay I have nothing against gay people, but it is not a lifestyle that I see myself pursuing. When I emotionally stable I feel emotionally and physically attracted to women.  

[lonewolf07]

Then why do you feel worse about having masturbated while fantasizing about men?   If you don't question your own sexuality - which I believe - why does this torment you?  Is "gayness" a metaphor or trigger for something that is bothering you - something that has nothing to do with your sexuality?  Maybe it set off your PTSD or maybe you were molested as a child and don't remember on a conscious level.  These are just thoughts, not judgements.

It sounds like you have a good rapport with your therapist.  I hope everything goes well for you and that you can stop those intrusive thoughts.

[anonymous980]

My main cause of ptsd is what would happen if people found out what i did,or if this is going to plague me in the future. I know if ppl found out what i did they would say I'm gay. I know what your trying to say but it makes me feel worse when i question my sexuality. Ive been with women and enjoy it.I cant watch gay pron or look at a man and get aroused. It actually makes me feel sick to my stomach when i see that stuff or I have the intrusive thoughts. Yet for when it comes to women it feels like the physical aspect doesnt do enough for me. I have to have feelings for a women to actually feel happy and have some sort of relations with them. I never understood why and I dont know if this is common.

[lonewolf07]

If you re-read my last post I said I believe you when you say you aren't gay.  I don't want to make you feel bad so please take another look - I have no reason to doubt you when you say you are NOT gay.

Having to have an emotional connection with a female before doing "the thing" is a good thing - it shows you respect yourself and women and that's another good thing.

[anonymous980]

I just feel like my friends and other people I know never went through this and that only I get like this. I even recall having sexual relations with women, and having the worst anxiety ever about having an STD. I dont know why but I have really bad anxiety. My mother feels I let thoughts surface to much and let it take over my life. But i honestly dont question my sexuality it just bothers me I had this experience because I know its not something i enjoyed in the process and i almost feel like i forced myself to do something. Thats why its making me feel terrible when i have flashbacks, or thoughts about the future. If people found out what I did they would think I'm some kind of pervert.

[anonymous980]

I feel like i went against everything I feel and believe thats why I'm so depressed and disgusted. Its just the intrusive thoughts make me behave differently. Its almost like OCD i feel like i have to test myself to rid myself of the thoughts for the moment. But they continue to occur. Do you have any advice for how i can put this behind me and move on with my life?

[lonewolf07]

IMHO your mother is right.  These sound like anxiety and OCD problems, not sexual problems.  What I was trying to say is that maybe your "gay fantasies" (which does not make you gay) have set something off to make you so anxious.  Your therapist should be able to help you.

Intrusive thoughts are awful - they can be about anything.  I've had them, a lot of people in this Forum have had them.  Just my thoughts - it isn't your sexuality it's the INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS that are the problem.  They can take over a person's life.  And you are getting therapy to help you with these thoughts.

I really hope everything goes well for you.  Other folks will respond to you and give you their ideas.

Hugs to you ....

[lonewolf07]

Any advice?  Yes, keep going to therapy and come here to the Anxiety or OCD Forums and get caring and moral support.  Therapy will involve a lot of work for you but I think it will help you.  Don't know about meds - you might not want to take them and I'm no expert in that area.

Once again ....  hugs to you

[Laura113]

Anonymous980: The best thing you can do, the remedy for it all, is Christ. He loves you and His will is not for you to be tormented mentally or emotionally. I used to have major battles in my mind with many things, but the Word says that "the truth will set you free"! And that "truth" is the Word of God. Just read the Word as much as you can so it saturates your mind; thus, renewing your mind and setting it free! Pray to the Lord and just ask Him to set you free in these areas and for peace that surpasses all understanding to rule over your mind and emotions. God bless you.