Plagued with Anxiety

Hey everyone, I had the worst past year of my life, so many things have gone wrong that I live with anxiety everyday.  I suffered from separation anxiety for a long time but finally got over that.. Was living pretty well until my anxiety literally went haywire. My sisters friend came over one time from college and somehow started talking about some movie where a girl killed her family in her sleep (based on true events) It didn't bother me then but it struck me as "Ewww" and "creepy" but a few nights before my sister left for Europe I woke up from a bad dream in the middle of the night and had "what ifs" and thought "what if I did something bad to her" well this freaked me out and I had what ifs every now and then. Well I made the worst mistake possible and decided to go on the internet and read about it hoping to find some information like "you HAVE to have have this disorder to do it" or something that would put my mind at ease. I did find information and it didn't help at all, in fact it made me have a huge panic attack and ever since then I have been under constant anxiety in which I saw a therapist for and everything.

It was starting to get better I guess, until I had another huge incident in my life. I fooled around with a 47 year old HIV positive person. I had a cut on my genitals and was freaking out that I had contracted the virus. I then had the biggest, scariest panic attack of my life to date (I am 19) and was devastated I might have contracted HIV literally devastated until I found this forum and posted my risk assessment on the HIV forum to which I was told I have a no risk situation. I was so relived and was kind of getting over the fear, still every now and then I had "ifs" but it was getting better until I got a painful red bump on my nose that looked like a bug bite and also my tongue felt like it had a sore on it. I went on the internet again and freaked out that I might have syphilis and it didn't help reading that syphilis helps pass along HIV. The sore on the tongue just ended up being a white taste bud, i guess you get those when it's irritated or something but it went away and I was told the bug bite is non STD related since it's painful. I even called the guy I fooled around with and asked him of his STD status and he assured me he is clean. He gets tested every few months due to his HIV blood work and that he only has been with two other guys in the past 2 years and I was told on the STD forum that I was at an extremely low risk of any STD's, but I am so afraid of contracting this virus. I didn't enjoy the fooling around at all and realize that I might be heterosexual after all.

This Anxiety has been killing me though, just with everything. I've been so depressed and devastated. I cry almost every night, which actually makes me feel better, but I feel so horrible. If I test negative for HIV and STD's I'll feel like I can get over anything, because this was so hard for me. I've never appreciated life so much until this incident and how blessed I was before to be virus/disease free. I could care less about the stupid anxiety I had before this whole HIV thing, because the HIV anxiety was with something that was real. I've literally been rocked to my core the past year and I just pray I make it out, HIV free.

[silverberg]

looks like from previous threads that others have answered you question over and over again? so 1) what you really looking for (short and to the point) 2) how old are you 3) are you seeing a Dr. 4) what meds are you on????

I really hope this is not a bogus post, I only say that , because as a gay male in a good relationship and with my background, I want to tell you GUYS DO NOT SUDDENLY think they may be str8, because of stds? also most guys are too scared to fool around with a HIV person, which is dumb, I would rather know up front someones status, before I play around.

also PLEASE if this is a bogus question, then move on, real serious people here, if it is not, please answer the above questions. thank you

again I ask you to answer the above questions and also why are you not listening to the responses given to you before, hense the question, WHAT ARE YOU REALLY LOOKING FOR??

[kcatx]

Wow, wasn't expecting to get bashed. Yes, my STD questions have been awnsered in other forums, but since this is a anxiety forum and I have anxiety and I put this under anxiety support I thought I'd get some positive feedback. 1) I was looking for support 2) I stated in my post I am 19 years old 3) I stated in my post that I was seeing a doctor. 4) I do not take meds.

This is not a bogus post, and I stated in my post that the whole sexual experience didn't feel right at all, I didn't enjoy it and it felt not right, which led me to believe that I MIGHT not be homosexual. I did know his status upfront, I asked him and he said he was HIV + but he had a partner for 6 years who stayed negative. Plus we weren't doing anything other than "fooling around". I am a person with real serious anxiety, and I listed other reasons in my initial post besides the STD's.

[silverberg]

Thats fine, but remember YOUR NOT BEING BASHED!!!, when you post here, people will give you HONEST ANSWERS, if you just want to here only (+) things, ask your mom. We are here to help, but you need to realize that your post was very long and asking the same question which has been answered in other forums, Now with that said lets move forward. If your worried about STD's I would suggest you educate your self on STD's and HIV. I would ask you to really ask yourself before you play around, if your only setting yourself up for "guilt", which your post sounds like, your sexuallity is not of issue in this forum (I only say that because of your post). YOu seem to have more anxiety after you play around, you may want to stop playing around for awhile until you put your anxiety in order. Also if you have been tested for hiv and are neg. now let it go! also there is nothing wrong with playing around with someone who is pos. but with your mind so fixed on hiv, you might want to take a break from sex.

[kcatx]

I'm sorry we got off to a bad start, I've been told by everyone that I am a extremely low risk/no risk situation and reassured by the guy that he is free and clear of everything except HIV.

This whole situation thought has just been so overwhelming with anxiety that I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown. I already had horrendous anxiety previous to this with my intrusive thoughts. I just feel so depressed and scared and the guilt is there, yes. I feel like I let everyone down including myself. I don't think I'm going to be active after this, for a very long time. This was my first sexual experience and it's turned me into a wreck.

I think the only good thing about this whole thing, is that I feel I'm over my other anxiety. It's been exactly a month and like 2 days since exposure, I'm so afraid of getting tested though. I'm just so scared.