Please Help Me

[cfstorey]

I can't stop having severe anxiety attacks. When i wake up in the morning, i have a severe attack. shaking, muscle spasms, the overwhelming need to tense all my muscles or hit a punching bag over and over and scream and cry. Gah, the crying. I cry all the time. I will take a 1mg Ativan in the morning as soon as i get up, which takes forever to kick in - leaving a full hour - half hour of this shaking and felling out of my mind.

I'll get to work at 8 and just pass out asleep - the medicine just knocks me out cold. So far no one has caught me yet. But i'll wake up and just start crying again. I'll go to lunch with my mom who will try to talk to me and calm me down, then go back to work where i have another break down of shaking and tensing muscles and crying uncontrollably. All i want during those moments if for someone to sit there and talk to me or hold me and of course no one is there.

About mid-afternoon to evening when i get off work and am back at home with my mom do i feel somewhat normal. zoned a little, but not as out of my mind.

Right now they have me on Pristiq. im 4 days into taking it. And the Adivan 3 times a day as needed. I dont know what to do. Im terrified of everything. Im terrified of being alone, of being forgotten, of being a burden, of making a mistake, or meeting new people, of taking a risk, of everything in my old life suddenly changing and havng that rug ripped out from under me - something i just can't get back. Im afraid of change, of not being in control. Im afriad no one will ever want me.

And all i can do is just sit here in my office 8 hours a day thinking about all of this, not knowing what to do and just wanting it to stop so badly. I dont get to see the Psychiatrist until next week, and then i'll start on weekly sessions. But that doesn't help me now. Im just a very shattered person and i need someone to help me please. Please.

[lindabinda234]

I want you to know that  I cured my depression and got off my high dose of antidepressants by inserting a thin needle (can be a thin sewing needle)  around the top of my head, you can look at acupuncture points on the internet, and apply medium pressure.  You will feel things loosening up and parts that are numb will return to normal working order.  It may take a long time, but it actually feels so good.  You can do it laying down.  This will also get rid of feelings of panic, you will feel at peace, and like yourself again.  I also did yoga, but accupuncture will cure the serious, big numb spots that cause emotional disfunction.

[whitecat78]

i just wanted to add another thing, whenever i act really emotional and hysterical around men it makes them more distant.  here is a example, i was dating this guy and i started freaking out on him, he never called me again after that, but i never tried to get him back and i gave him space, the ironic thing is a year later he started contacting me again, i wasn't interested because i had a new boyfriend.

[cfstorey]

Its just so hard to let go. Let go of the relationship, let go of the control of my body and my mind. Let go that i have no idea when or why or where these attacks will happen. I have to let go and have faith that God will work out one way or the other. Its just hurts so so badly when its not my way that He works it out. I dont want to be afraid of everything. I dont want to live in insecurities and the face of life failures. I just want to be loved and held and know that no matter what mistake i make someone will always be there, understanding that "hey- it happens". I yearn for that unconditional love and hug. I long so much to have confidence in me again and to not be afraid of risks or chances. But im frozen. Everytime one of Tim's friends texts me saying "give up, he's totally done" i just lose it again, because i dont understand what changed. Yes i came off my medication, yes i was nuts for a month or two - but doesn't love work through that?

[whitecat78]

cognitive therapy is when you change dysfunctional thinking and behavior patterns, eventually when you change the negative thinking and behavior, the depression and anxiety go away and you experience personal growth,  it takes a lot of time and patience.  all self help books use it.

[heartfluttersflyawayplz]

wow you are really going throught a hard time, you need to remember this will not kill you and you have to get control of it , easy said right?   i went 6 months not myself crying /not eating /sick/shaking didnt want to be byself same as you , i have a hubby that was there for me but he could not put me back together unless i did it with him. its not easy and once it gets out of control its really hard..  you need to think and be glad your boyfriend did it now and not after marrage or a child your very young and can get out there and find the guy who will love you and treat you right . yes there is someone out there that will love you and help you when you get down.

my dr put me on klonopin its a sister med to ativan and its long lasting. ativan is only a 4 hour med where klonopin will last a lot longer and you can take it for life. i have no side affects but tired when i first started it. i take ativan when i really need it which ptl is not to often now, it helps get you over the bad part of the panic attack.   you might want to ask dr about klonopin try it , it got me back on my feet and i came off of it , but if you cant theres no shame in it. God does not care , he made the meds for you so take and dont stresss that part.  we are here to talk, plz keep in touch

[MMahon]

"Its not right that something like this can take over my body, and my mind and control it to the point where i feel useless and worthless"  No it's not right!!  But illness and disease and even heartbreak have forever been part of the 'human condition' and they no doubt will continue to be. Illness can most times be helped and broken hearts can be healed.  
A 'bandaid' just covers the problem and doesn't heal it.  
You can return to the person you were and maybe even a better one. Focus on the new and improved you and the things that can make that happen.
We all send you big HUGS  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[cfstorey]

what is cognitive threapy?

[cfstorey]

I wish all those people who knew what i was going through were here now, just to hold me, so i knew i wasn't alone. I feel so alone and rejected. I know there are two different problems here. The medical problem which im trying to face and the break up. WHich is egging on the medical problem. The truth of the matter, i do not want to give up on Tim. I have had my share of serious and long term relationships and i know this one is different. I know i need to network and make friends (since all of my friends were his friends) but i'm absolutely crying in the corner white knuckled terrified of meeting people. Of taking risks. Of doing anything that may result in rejection or leave any margin for me to do something wrong.

Its not right that something like this can take over my body, and my mind and control it to the point where i feel useless and worthless. I feel like my soul can just crawl in a cave and die and no one would notice. Last summer they just stuck me on medication and that was it. This is the first time going to the therapist. Im not sure what to say or expect form her. I have no idea how to fix this, or fix me. i Have no idea if my self confidence and self worth even still exist. i feel like a shell of a person being operated by  a chemical imbalance and everyone is running for the hills bc they don't know what to do with me.

I think keeping it in makes it easier on my loved ones, but i need to get it out so badly. I dont want to burden anyone. I just want to make things better. I know i should have more faith, but pain after pain after pain is making my faith hard to find anymore. I really just want someone to slap a bandaid on it and make it better so i can go back to being happy and in love again..

[MMahon]

It isn't possible to take unpaid sick leave?  Especially since it doesn't seem busy?
There is both an upside and downside to taking off work.  It's hard to deal with and you want relief from the stress it brings, yet it forces you mind off yourself and may keep you from spiraling further downward.  
Many here know exactly what you are going thru from firsthand experience.
Your symptoms sound like classic Major depression.   Realize that it is the illness that is producing your symptoms and once it's controlled then they, and many of your worries, will subside.  You will find strength and self worth and be able to stand firm and confront whatever life dishes out.  I know that sounds impossible right now but know it's right around the corner.
Having this condition is not easy on your loved ones.  Many don't understand it and feel helpless to do anything for you.  They too get sick over it and their inability to contol it.
Therefore, you have to be strong and be strong in knowing that things will improve.
Stay on your medical professionals...Demand the help that you need and comply with what
they prescribe..  You will get past this and will be better for it.  
God bless

[whitecat78]

this sounds so familiar, i had my breakdowns after a 5 year relationship break-up and also when i started dating new people.   i drove my new boyfriend crazy because i constantly had nervous breakdowns because of insecurity issues. i learned the more i nagged the more distant he was, when i act normal and happy he is closer, i had constant anxiety everyday and was crying too, then i became depressed, so  started cognitive therapy on myself and took a anti-depressant. my self esteem was low.  i had to look deep in myself to find some happiness so i  started new hobbies, like jewelry making, made a herb garden, little things like this can be very rewarding and take your mind off this negative cycle of thinking and focus on yourself instead of someone else.

[cfstorey]

I wish i could take off work. But i used up all of my sick time last summer dealing with this. I used a month and a half of family medical leave. i should have never came off the medicine. I thought i was strong enough on my own. It just took soo long to finally work. and even i can't tell you if it worked or if finding my boyfriend worked you know. What depresses me more is that i dont know what makes my happy anymore. i dont know what i enjoy. i dont have a real life of my own and i'm terrified to go out and try to figure it out alone. Tim was helping me do that, but now he's gone. And i desperately need to know what to do in the middle of the anxiety attacks. my whole body is out of control. LIke now - just knowing someone cared enough to respond has me crying again. Anytime i come across a family member or someone who i know cares about me - i just fall apart. Im so so miserable. Last summer it got tot he point of suicide and im so terrified of getting that far down again. I've told the psychiatrist all this but i have yet to meet with her to discuss it all.

[MMahon]

Significant life events (your breakup) frequently preceed depressive episdodes.
It is very common for this to happen to those with this illness.  Having an illness is NOT your fault and unfortunately cannot be wished away.
You got help before for this so be confident it'll help you again.  We all want relief 'yesterday' from symptoms that are pure hell.  We know what you are going thru. Try to find comfort that you have a treatment that's worked for you before and will work for you again.
Maybe you need a break from your daily existence until you are 'up and running'.  Take some time off from work and do something, anything,you can find some enjoyment it.
Give the meds time to work and stay on your doctors until they do.
Good luck.

[cfstorey]

I guess alot of it comes from not understanding the break up. Everything was wonderful and perfect. We had our moment. When I wanted to get off my meds he said he would support me. This whole relationship has been a very healthy, up front, open and honest one. He knew all of my faults and issues and helped piece me back together. A few months ago he got orders for a deployment. At this time i was just coming off the pristiq and i fell apart. I was insecure and paranoid - did he really love me enough to come back to me, what if i couldn't keep his interest while he was so far away, etc. This took a hard toll on him. But the whole time he would just smile, tell me how much he loved me and that he wasn't going anywhere. That i shouldn't worry so much. Then his deployment got canceled and he failed his PT all on the same day which was devastating to him. Through all of this my paranoia and insecurities got no better.

Two weekends ago we took a trip to see my cousin graduate high school and when we got back he just out of the blue said "i need time and space to myself". i was shocked i said ok. Of course my mind immediately went 90 to nothing about what did i do, where did i go wrong.. etc.i did wrong and immediately started peppering him with questions instead of giving him time. It came out that he felt smothered and like there was only an US now and not a ME and a HIM. Like he had no freedoms. And that he just needed to think. This coming from a man who has never done wrong to me, who has always been there for me, who has always been supportive and enoucraging, who has been understanding and loving. Who has promised over and over that no matter what - we're in this life together from now on. A week later (Monday to be exact) he texted me that he just couldn't do it anymore. He loved me but was not IN love with me. He's been very cold, very stand off-ish, very - not himself. The past two weeks he's been - not himself. He won't talk to me, he won't talk to his best friend. He's talked to me and to his friend about planning a future with me and now this. This is out of his character and I have no idea what to do.

I feel like i need to help, i need to take some action RIGHT NOW. but i dont know what. I know i need to leave him alone, I know work is crashing down on him right now too (he's military). I just can't figure it out. One day he will be remorseful and want to see me and the next, like yesterday, he's so cold and harsh and says that it makes no difference anymore.

I've written the letters, I've kept the letters, they never change. Its the same words over and over again. The mornings are the worse. Its seems like the more anti-anxiety pills i take, the worse i cry and the worse i feel. Its been a week since i started the Pristiq. All i can is sit here and cry and wonder, why can't he work through this with me, like we have so many other things. Is it really me or am i just getting the brunt force from stress at work? Why is he acting so out of character? Do i just give up and move on or do i wait and hope and be there for him if and when he comes back?

I try to fill my time with work, but my work is so meaningless it takes about 5 min. I try to read, but i can't focus on the book - its like its pointless compared tot he heartache im going through. I try music, but every song reminds me of something that triggers more pain and anxiety.

I know I need to let go and let God be in control. BUt i dont know how to let go. I know the medicine will kick in fully eventualy, but i dont really know what to expect from it, when it does. i mean will i be happy,  will i be ok,  will my confidence be back, will my worry stop?

I feel like i need to help him somuch, but i can't. I feel like my hands are bound. I can't help and now i can't help myself. I tried this morning to remind myself that nothing bad will happen through an anxiety attack. I know nothing will physically hurt me, but its my mind that hurts. Its my feels that hurt and my internal thoughts that get attacked with all the what if's  and where'd i go wrong's that come about during an attack.

please help me get through the mornings, please help me stop crying, please help me find the hope that i just can't see anymore. It will be another week before i see the therapist and i desperately need help now. WHen i try to write, i write the same things, the same worries over and over and over. When i try to breath, my mind wonders and i started taking shallow breaths and trigger another attack.I feel like one of those mental patients that needs restraints during an attack. And they happen so often. Im so terrified of the next day, of everyone giving up on me, of there being no hope.

[MrGreen]

I won't talk medication. I will talk life. You have too much time on your hands. You say that yourself. You sit there all day with nothing to do. It is that time you have to try and fill up. To much free time is a bad thing for you at the moment. I once had a therapist ask me to write out everything I done by the hour. I thought I was great writing out this list of things I had done. But she didn't want to show me what I had done. She wanted to show what I was not doing. The free time I had. Then she made me look for things to fill that time up.

I would look to be doing some kind of emotional release exercise. You mentioned the break up of the engagement. You ever tell that ex exactly how he made you feel? What it done to you? The whole idea here is a letter. Not one you send to him. One you just write out telling of all the pain and the hurt. Now the trick. Once you are done. You then try and answer your own letter. From the other person's view point. May sound dumb. But it is sort of a forgiveness exercise as well. To hold onto things is not good at all. I could tell the story of the Buddhist monks walking along a dirt path in Larsa. They come to a large puddle. There is a woman on the otherside of the puddle. One monk rolls up his garb and wades across the puddle and lifts the woman up and carries her to the otherside and puts her down. The other monk is shocked. As monks they are not allowed contact with females at all. The sencond monk keeps going on about this all the way back home. Over and over. The first monk turned to the second monk and said I just carried her across the puddle and left her on the otherside. You are the one who is holding her inside still. Simple little story. Carries a good point with it.

There could also be a lot of hatred held within. Which is a bad thing. Because the hated person feels nothing at all. The one doing the hating has the bad feelings inside of them. Really hating is a waste of time. It is something else that has to be learned to let go of. But this should all come in the form theraphy. For now I can just write as I am. It may all sound dumb to you. May be all way off the mark. But these things start somewhere. They don't come out of nowhere. Dealing with the root cause can help with the present state of mind. I hope you give something a go. Rather than sit there and watch your life get worse. Keep on posting. That is also helping.

[whitecat78]

that sounds exactly how i felt many times, i use to have severe anxiety and panic attacks everyday.  the only thing i have found that works very well for anxiety is this herb called kratom, its has mild narcotic like effects, it has a very unique chemical make-up, its legal in the united states,  It can be addicting if abused, I take a teaspoon or two or ground up leaf powder before bed and after about 3 to 4 hours after eating. 1 teaspoon is a stimulant and 2-3 teaspoons is a sedative. i recommend not taking more than 1 tablespoon a day or better take it every other day, because a tolerance can build, withdrawals are very mild after heavy use, it is kind of a weird drug. the taste isnt pleasant but the effects are worth it. i found benzos to not work at all, it just makes me sleep and when i wake up up i actually have more anxiety and extreme irritability after. i also take a anti-depressant ( lexapro) and that has seemed to help alot too.

[cfstorey]

Thank you  for responding! I have no patience bc this is such an upsetting and startling thing that i want it to be over NOW. you know.

They have me on 1 mg of the Ativan/Lorazepam 3 times a day.
Also the Pristqi is 50 mg every day.

Last summer this crept up and it took  them months to get any of the AD meds to work at all. It took me to the brink of thinking of suicide. But the pristiqi finally kicked in. As a person of faith i bashed myself for needing a drug to help me, and i wanted to get off of it as soon as i thought my chemical imbalances were right. So a couple of months ago i asked the Dr who said, if i really wanted to get off of it - i could.

Recently i went through an out-of-the-blue break up of my engagement. It devasted me. The day i went back to the Dr in regards to the oncoming anxiety and depression i felt starting to take hold they also set me up with a Psychiatrist (they're the ones that can prescribe medication right?). I saw her the same day i went back on the Pristiq and the Ativan. She was nice, she told me to write everything down. Told me to keep her posted on everything going on.

I know she doesn't want to hear from me everytime i have a break down and think my body is going crazy. I can't explain to my parents that im truly trying to focus and not get so worked up. But the heartache just runs my life right now and keeps causing these attacks.  I dont eat. All i want to do is sleep and cry. Nothing seems importantant anymore and i see no light at the end of this tunnel. Im terrified to get out there and have my heart trambled again. Im terrified to do anything by myself, to make any decision by myself, to answer the phone, to plan for next week. I feel like a child that has to be told what to do.

All day long i sit here at work, with zero to do. So my mind wonders and worries and frets to the point of anxiety attacks. Attacks where i have to pray i can make it to the storage closet in time before anyone can see me go into full seizure like shakes and muscles tensing. and it takes forever to go away and only if i take yet another anxiety pill.

Please, are there any exersizes or help you can give to help me right now. My first instinct is to call someone- anyone - and just cry and bawl the horrible heartbreak story all over again. But theres not one to really call. I just feel so crazy and so out of control. So ashamed that i can't take hold of my own body and make it do what i need it to do. I can't control my thoughts or my breathing. Im so so lost. and scared. So so scared.

[MrGreen]

It's a hard auld life. Once we are with anxiety imagine what it is doing to the mind and the body. A head full of thoughts. Why me. Why now. What is happening to me. Am I going mad. We just don't understand what on earth is going on. We are confused. So we try and make as much sense out of it as we possibly can. But the facts are simple, we haven't a clue what is going on. We have seen a doctor. He has giving us these tablets to take. I assume they are 1mg in dose? You never did say. But the tablets have an effect on the whole body and mind as well. As they get to work. First thing I would suggest is that you break a tablet in half. If the whole tablet is too strong for you, try taking half of one and see if that is any better for you. Mightn't knock you out. I am assuming this is all just new to you? Hence I am on about not knowing what on earth is going on. It can be frightening. But once you get a handle on it the whole picture will begin to change. Medication can be trial and error. Maybe you are on the wrong ones now. It can take a few goes to find the correct ones. Then getting the dose right. So let your doctor know how the tablets effect you. He'll probably adjust the dose. Or may give you something else.

Theraphy wise. You will love it. Just to understand the condition. It eases the mind in a big way. I hope they do a few exercises with you. Ways to cope with your anxiety when it kicks in. Most of us use distraction methods. Just to keep the mind from thinking inwardly. Take the mind off what is going on. Be it an MP3 player or whatever you are in to. But keep track of your mood, thoughts, reactions and symptoms. Simple little exercise for you. They are all related. We are feeling sad. What thought is in your head?  How do you react? What symptoms does it bring on? You should find a pattern if you keep track of them. One has a knock on effect on the others. So we try and change the thought or the reaction.

I won't write too much for now. But trust me when I say that the more you learn about anxiety the more you will understand your condition. It is never easy at first at all. Very hard. But as symptoms come on, they do also vanish. But that will be for further down the road. The first thing we need to get you sorted with is the correct medication, dose wise as well, and a regular therapist. We will say that step 1 was posting on this forum. So well done for doing that. Just try and break it down. One step at a time. If we view it all as this big ugly picture it seems like a massive mountain we will never get over. But trust me you will get over that mountain. Small steps to begin with. You will get there. Keep us posted on how you are doing.