I'm really scared of committing suicide. I see a therapist who does not hand out meds easily but she can't be there all the time. This weekend I nearly jumped in front of the subway. There are times when I take over the counter meds intending to commit suicide. I HATE IT!!!! The reality is that I have had a number of losses that all came around the same time. Now I am facing another loss over which I have no control and I'm scared of the helplessness and despair that make me want to commit suicide. It's like hanging on by my fingernails. My emotions and spirit hurt. I want to make some changes but fear I'm too old to get a job, that I can't focus - there's more but don't want to write too much and bore everybody. I don't think I really want to commit suicide or I wouldn't be afraid of doing it but am scared that an impluse might make me do it because hanging on is so difficult.
I'm hurting and in emotional and spiritual pain - like that Trent Reznor song sung by Johnny Cash "Hurt", that song really hits home. I can't be any clearer. I hurt and I'm scared I'll commit suicide. Am afraid someone will say, "Do it and make the world a better place."
That's it. Didn't mean to take up so much time. After reading the posts on here I wonder if I have any right to inflict my pain on others. Fear of judgement or rejection.
You are in it right now and that makes everything very tough. I bet it is hard to see beyond that given how you feel, but there is hope and things get better. You need to just trust that even though you may not feel like that right now.
Have you seen Vanilla Sky? The movie with tom cruise? Best line from the movie: "every moment is a new moment to turn it all around". Of course that compresses time quite a bit, but hey, baby step, and many steps. Besides your feelings about your age, what's stopping you from getting a job? do you need the money? Can you volunteer? You can make this world a better place. Trust that, even though you may not in this moment feel that.
If you're not having much success with your current therapist, maybe you should consider finding someone else. Usually when someone is suicidal, medications are the first step to stabilize those thoughts and urges, then therapy comes into play next. If you are truly feeling as though you could commit suicide, I would go to the ER and explain what is going on, see your doctor, or find a new therapist. There are so many things a person can do with their life. If you're feeling as though you are not where you want to be, maybe this is the time to start searching. Are you in need of a job, or do you hate a job you are at currently? Are you involved in anything you truly enjoy? Do you have any support people to be near?
Mabe you need to see a different doctor and evaluate your medicine. Sometimes all of the medicine that people are put on makes everything worse. But please do not give up. If anything at all, go to the hospital and check yourself in. Things always get better. I have been there when you feel like nothing will help, but IT WILL GET BETTER. You may have to be the one to get the help you need.....
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