Scared of change? New things?

[dark1018]

I turned 21 3 days ago, I guess I've had this thing since I was a kid. 3 years of my life I've been bullied by some other kids in my class, 4-5 other people, who even threatened me with knifes, like, they would hold a knife and act like they were stabbing me, I was once hit on my right hand but fortunately there wasn't even a scratch. That happened when I was 13-15 years old, they were a bunch and I was alone, even girls tried to bully me. Fast forward now, I lost my chance for the university 2 times, that means 2 years, however, I'll be in this year. Now, I quitted gym, had a great body and people used to stare at me, like, people in my neighbourhood wants their daughters to get married with me, but I guess that's because of my economical position, we have a construction company. I wanna get involved in the business but I'm scared, tomorrow we are going to start a new mansion, it's huge and I will take responsibility for some of the work, my father wants to give me a push into the business world. Suddenly, I had this fear trying to eat me, I still have it now, it's weird. I'm about to cry. I have to mention I don't have any friends, I'm too paranoid and I don't trust anyone. I can't work physical works because I think I will lose my reputation. I feel so bad right now I don't even know what I'm typing. Can anyone explain to me what's wrong based on the low level information I provided. Thank you.

[dark1018]

I apologize for answering my own question but I don't know if my question is editable, I have to say this. Sometimes I have an image of this guy who has turned his back to a bed and his feets are touched by the light of a fire. In the back there is a small library with books, that part of the room feels cold and dark but this person is too far from the fire. Now, I don't know if this is my mind telling me there is a problem or whatever. I always hear people(live, not in my brain) saying, "how hot that guy is", "how amazing that guy is". Last time I had to debate with one of our workers at a construction site because he was working too slow, there was a chainsaw there for some reason and something pushed me into killing the poor guy even tho nothing happened. Now, I know I have a dark side like everyone but mine is different, it's too damn evil and I still wanna revenge on those guys that bullied me years ago, I wanna harm them so bad. Something that makes me feel good is helping homeless people, like, I give them some money and I feel like I have the entire world, I feel so good my body shakes a little bit. Damn, I really don't know why I'm saying all of these stuff. I guess I need a therapist I can fully trust.

[Paxiled]

Please, go see a therapist.  And thanks for the education on Albania -- here in the US we don't get much info on things there.  It's historical, because during your communist period, the country cut itself off from the rest of the world and since that period ended our focus was put on Yugoslavia's falling apart.  So now that we know you can get help, make an effort to get it -- don't let the past rule the rest of your life.  Peace.

[Paxiled]

No, we really can't.  You've been through some things, but your whole country has been through a lot.  I don't know what kind of help is accessible where you are -- most Muslim countries don't have sources of therapy, is that true in Albania, if your profile is accurate and that's where you are?  Because as said below, the best thing would be to find a professional not linked to you by family or community who you could feel you could talk to judgment free and learn why you're so insecure and why you've been insecure for so long and then hopefully you could move past it.  By the way, business, as you know from your family, is pretty seat of the pants, but if your family business is already established and successful it will probably stay that way -- the connections required for success in that business are already established.  But you have to want it, and if what you really want is to move in another direction, as I get a hint of that you really want to go on to advanced education and go from there, then that too is something that might be causing you to feel insecure.  When you fully make up your mind and commit it will probably go more smoothly.  

[dark1018]

Hello, to be honest no one cares about the religion here, there are no wars between those who call themself muslims and christians in here because people don't care, they are too tired to think about stuff like that, I live in the capital city where people mostly fight with each other for power, stuff like, "look at that guy, he drives a Ferrari, he's so cool". We just have the name as a muslim country, but in here no one cares about the religion, I don't know what media says about my country in other parts of the world but I guess they only label us as the country of mafia, crimes and drugs. Yes, we have therapists and all kind of different medical services, private hospitals have really really good doctors, doctors from Germany, US, Turkey, as they say, they are highly trained, but that falls under marketing and I know what lies are told in those commercials. I don't know if this helps but sometimes when I close my eyes in the evening I see these highly detailed mosaiques, sometimes I see highly detailed 3d objects that amaze me, I open my eyes and then there is nothing. My brain has some power lol.

[specialmom]

You do sound anxious.  I'm sorry about that.  Anxiety is hard.  Can you talk to your doctor about it?  Go see a therapist?  I think talking through these feelings would really help when done in a professional setting.  This is interfering with your day to day life and functioning.  Anxiety is fully treatable and things can get better.  We'll help any way we can.  And I'm very sorry that people bullied you.  You've survived though and will hopefully put that behind you as you build world of better people in it for yourself.  hugs

[dark1018]

Thanks a lot, but I don't know where to go, I tried a therapist once, she started talking with me and she sounded really really annoying, I just walked out of the room with my nerves going crazy. It felt weird at first but now, I have this thing in my brain that tells me not to even care about what other people say.