Scared to death and can't sleep

i can't sleep, i got this big mistake in my life. 2 weeks ago i had unprotected sex with a prostitute and afraid and scared of hiv infection.  i cant sleep, a feel scared and guilty to my wife. i had hiv test 1 week later which turned out negative, but accordingly, test done 3 months after contact is the conclusive one.

pls. help me what to do, i am feeling so scared and guilty, afraid to die. pls. help me. pls.

[Edward535]

sometimes i think of suicide, to end all of this misery. i cant tell to my family, i dont want them to be sad because of what i have done. i dont know how to solve this problem. pls. help.

[JSGeare]

You've got 2 problems (at least 2) here, Ace. One is the HIV possibility (very slim, it seems) and the other one -the REAL ONE- is the violation of your vow of fidelity to your mate. One way to MAKE SURE that gets even worse is to break down and tell her, so now you will exchange some measure of relief from confession with the pain that she will carry.

Yup, you messed up big time, alright.

But sometimes it takes something like that to shake us up and help us understand more about what is important to us. For one thing, there is a REASON why you let Johnson out to play -what do you think it was? How IS the marriage, really? Work on that -maybe get some counseling help.

Did you say "SOLVE" the problem. Sorry, we are fresh out of broken marriage vow solutions today. You can't unring a bell. You CAN however, get to work on whatever conditions or situations made you do what you did. The misery you experience is a good indication of how important this is to you. Maybe you can now say you really DO love your wife and family and you will be better than ever.

Maybe. And maybe not -maybe there are BIG problems in the marriage, maybe there are issues of sexual fulfillment, how to raise the children, money -heaven knows what. If there are such issues, then get to work on them.

It is unlikely that telling your wife what you did will solve anything -it just moves the problem to someone else -as you say, makes everyone else sad.

I'm wishing you the very best. This will take time, and it will test your strength.

Be strong.

[GHR]

If you are thinking about ending it all YOU NEED TO SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!

[Edward535]

what is the best thing to do, do i have to tell my wife about my misery or just leave it to me alone.   i am really guilty of all these things. my mind cannot function because of all these anxieties.   if i tell my wife and ask forgiveness, what do u think is her reply? or what could be your  best suggestion for this situation. pls. help. appreciate your response, so thankful people like you are there to help.  

[bosnianworrier]

Cheated on your wife with a prostitute who might have been HIV+????

Now thinking about suicide?????

Do you believe in God?????

Do you even love your wife? Do you have a happy marriage?

Let me tell you something. Your chance of getting HIV was about 0.6% and that is IF THE PROSTITUTE WAS +. So, if 600 men sleep with an HIV+ woman, roughly only 1 of them will get infected. So your chance of catching HIV is next to zero.

I know no words can ease your worryness because I went thru something like that (wasn't married). Only a negative test after 3 months will take this anxiety away completely.

Now, don't start look for symptoms, because when you think about symptoms then they will come. Try not to think about it.

About killing yourself? If you are serious about it, seek help ASAP. That is silly to think about suicide when you most likely didn't catch the disease.

And last, but not least, your wife. That is the tuffest decision to make. You definitely should find a reason to avoid sleeping with her if you are not telling her. Not because of HIV  but because there is a chance you caught other non-life threating easy curing STD. On the other hand, if you tell her, she might support you, or she might end the marriage. You know her better than anyone else.

But when you do your next HIV test in several weeks and when the results come back negative , DON'T NEVER EVER do something like this again.

[Edward535]

thank you so much. you have helped me a lot in this difficult time.  i cry usuall at night, so guilty.  i never thought this (sex with prostitute) will bring me so much trouble.  i thought before it will not affect me, but, i am so disturb now, result of my stupidity.  i try not to think, but it will always come back to my mind.

with your advise, i got more strength to continue life. sometimes, i think of ending to solve everything one time.  but again, thank you very much for the enlightenment.

if i will tell her, i have reason not having sex with my wife.  but if i will not tell her, i am confused as to how to give reason to her why i am avoiding contact with her.  i am waiting for april 9 to have my sixth week so i can have a test again.  as advised, 6 week is 90% significant.  

again, thank you. i am grateful to God for giving me an adviser like you. thank you so much.

[marskim]

To Edward535:  I think you need to come clean and tell your wife.  whether or not she will forgive you is up to to her.  but you could have contact a sexual disease and must let her know so she can protect herself.  maybe it's you're way of getting the help you need. whether that means therapy to work out your marriage or divorce you must have did it for a reason.  and don't use depression as an excuse.  you probably need therapy of some type but isn't this a website for xanex.  why are we talking about prostitution anyway?  your have bigger problems.

[Edward535]

thank you for your advise.  i hope to get the courage to tell her the truth.  i hope we can bear the pain of the consequences, that life will still continue inspite of all of these. i am regretting what i have done wrong before.  and i hope this will not be the end of everything.  pls help me God.

[laurel94]

Sorry to hear your going through all of this.  But I do not agree with telling your wife the only reason i think is it might make you feel better to come clean but it will just tear her world up and possibly break up your whole family by telling her, I think some things are just better left unsaid and as time goes by trust me you'll start feeling better and you won't think about it so much, and if you decide to change your mind you could always tell her later down the road but i would give it some time to sink in a little, get your test done again and just go on with your life, it will get easier.  But i cannot think of one thing good that would come from telling your wife so give it time.  And ask God to forgive you from this day forward and don't ever do something stupid like that again. It will get better Trust Me.....
Take care

[mimiwinn]

DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE.  I am a woman, so this isn't macho b.s.  It will ONLY relieve your guilt, but it will make her feel horrible and could possibly ruin her life.  You will learn to deal with the guilt, and hopefully learn to be a better husband in the process.  But you have no idea how horrible this information will make her feel and it would actually be selfish of you to tell her,  just because you can't stand the guilt.  That's your punishment, suck it up.  No matter how much a person says they want to know the truth about these things, they do not.  Now...if this is a repeated offense, then you obviously cannot honor your vows and commit to your wife, and then you would need to tell her because you should not be married.  One mistake, if you truly learn from it, is different.  Yes, you already broke your vows, and you need to start this minute making it up to her.  Try to find your pleasure in the affection you share with her, how much she cares for you, how good a friend she is to you...these things are all more important than temporary great sex.  If you aren't getting your pleasure with your wife, go jerk off or talk to her about trying new things.  But I'm serious, don't tell her!  Good luck, Mimi

[Edward535]

thank you for your advise.  i never thought that this will give me so much trouble.  i am full of guilt and fear. if not telling her is better, then maybe that is what i will do. i just hope this guilt feelings will reduce. i never have expected this situation will arrive in my life. as a family, we are very intact and live happy ever since. this single act of sex with prostitute has significantly ruined myself, the way i think, i dont know , maybe i am so sick of anxiety. i regreted a lot for the single incident. why. anyways. thank you for all your support. i hope to continue life in as much as i could.

[BabyHardiman]

Don't listen to that BS about not telling your wife.  She has EVERY RIGHT to know that you "may" have been infected with the HIV virus.  What if you cutt your hand in your home?  Will you let your children help to clean the wound?  YOU need to put your family FIRST and stop being so damned selfish and worrying about what you will LOSE!!

This is YOUR mistake!  You need to do what is right in fixing it, and start NOW.

I hope you do feel ashamed of yourself.  You need to seek professional help, and you need to allow your family to do the same.  

[mimiwinn]

You're human and you made a mistake.  That fact that you feel so horrible about it shows that there is still some decency left in you.  I've already told you that I don't think you should tell her, and I was addressing your reaction to the guilt.  People confess things so they can relieve themselves of the guilt, not because telling the person is the 'honorable' thing to do.  If you were THAT 'honorable' you wouldn't have cheated in the first place.  I'm not trying to be cruel to you, I'm just stating facts.  NOW...on the issue of telling your wife that you 'may have been' infected with the AIDS virus, I still disagree that you should tell her anything UNTIL and IF you find that you are positive.  But you absolutely should not have sex with her.  Listen, before you do, think, act or say anything to your wife, you should always stop and think 'how would this make her feel?'  'Would this action hurt my wife?'  If you were responsible enough to think like that from the beginning, you wouldn't be in this situation.  If every man could stop and think that one thought 'how would this make my wife feel' the world would be a better place!  To be fair, women should think about that before they act as well....as should people in general.  If you love someone, you should never knowingly do something that will hurt them.  That includes sleeping with ho's, but yea, it also includes baring your conscience so YOU feel better.  And if you can't remember to think about how your actions would make your wife feel...then maybe you can remember to think about how it would feel if she was out there doing what you were about to do.  Somewhere in this you gotta learn to think before you act.  I do agree with BabyH that you shouldn't be worrying about what you will lose...but this is bigger than that.  This is worrying about what you will force your wife to lose, which is everything she believes in, loves, trusts, depends on and cherishes.  Unless you have really REALLY bad news, like you're HIV positive, then you can at least keep her from losing everything by not destroying her perception of all that is dear to her.  Yea, you're a real louse for putting her in this situation.  Don't compound it. But don't go skipping down the street forgiving yourself.  If you believe in God, then go talk to someone from your church for further guidance.  I just wanted to reiterate that you shouldn't hurt your wife with information just because you're suffering.

[michele626]

I am hoping you dont have sex with your wife until you wait your 3months to get tested again.

I would strongly suggest that if everything turns out okay, that youll go to counseling and then both you and your wife.

Get rid of your guilt and pain the right way. If things dont work out when doing it right, its because theres different plans for you.

Take it easy on yourself for now and protect the others around you

[shykim]

I think you should tell your wife but say you had a one nite stand with a stranger and leave the prositute bit out. this way youve come clean, your wife will feel bad but not as bad if she knew youve been wiv a pro.

[kcdem]

DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE....do not listen to these gals. You would be spreading your pain and guilt. You make amends when it does NOT hurt others, it would be selfish.

That brings me to my next point, you sound very unstable. You seem to have some real panick issues or something, I hope you seek therapy. you are having suicidal ideation and you need help NOW.

Bosnian worrier is right your chances are virtually zero of contracting HIV. You could have a host of other stds but I assume you have been checked for those. My wife had an affair so I have some experience with this. You need therapy and time, maybe then you can tell her IN counseling. I hope this is not religous pursecution you are inflicting on yourself. SEEK HELP NOW.


kcdem

[Kent2222]

Whether or not Ed tells his wife is up to Ed.   He needs to make this decision by himself and we should be careful not to add to his problems by conflicting suggestions as to how to deal with his own wife.

I think he has heard all of the pros and cons to tell or not to tell, when to tell, now or later.  

In my opinion, there really is no right or wrong to this very personal and moral decicsion.   One this is for sure, Ed knows his wife, himself and his family and we don't.  

Ed also needs to know that he has friends and the important thing is that he not do anything else stupid   -   one big stupid mistake is enough for now -    no more mistakes are allowed that will hurt himself or his family.  

You will be okay once you get the negative test result.  Visualize that feeling of getting the 100% negative result.  Be thankful that things could be a whole lot worse.   Get on with your life and love your family.  You will be just fine.

[Edward535]

thank you for all your advices.  going to church relieves my guilt and pain, but honestly, the fear of the infection is always coming back. through the days, i learn to live the misery, but, sometimes, i cant sleep, or i wake up midnight, because of all this thoughts.  i never expect this will happen to me.  i hope God will still give me another chance. i am very regretful i hav done. i dont know how to go on if hiv positive. i dont know.....

[Sagine]

Hi Ed,

I'm sorry that you are going through this but I hope you find some comfort in returning to church. As for whether or not to tell your wife, like Kent said, that is up to you. Maybe you should pray about it. You know your family and your wife the best. Personally, I would lean toward telling her because if I did have an infection I wouldn't want to infect my family.

[monkeybishop123]

MY GOD!! you MUST tell your wife!!! Be honest, otherwise it will just eat at you forever!!
Go and get another test done! Dont cheat on your wife again!

[michaxx2]

We are all human and we all make mistakes...as long as you promise yourself not to do it again..then it's ok....but personalky I think that telling your wife is not wise...you are gonna hurt her feelings alot and she might never forgive you....we are exposed to temptations all the time but you have to be strong to know how to handle temptations.....I donno what to tell you about you obssessing about HIV...I hope by now you've been tested and know the results....I am sure you are ok!!!!
Micha

[neilq5]

The chances of catching HIV are slim to none, the chances of catching HIV is around 1 in 8000 after unprotected sex.
just keep reminding yourself in that.
and if you think about suicide again go see someone. if you truly love your wife you wouldnt even think of suicide
hope this helps.