It is extremely difficult for me to reach out and admit how I feel; I tend to withdraw instead. The fear of judgement and rejection is still there, along with the fears of being perceived as an attention-getter, even after being in this Forum since March 2008. Using "I" in so many sentences also bothers me.
I've been feeling a sense of dread for over a week now. I feel disconnected and unfocused, my thoughts aren't clear and am unable to articulate what I want to say. Sometimes this happens before an emotional crash. Have even had feelings of suicide and don't like that at all. Have been trying to fight it by talking with my therapist and going to the medicine woman but the feelings of dread and disconnectedness just come back and I don't know why. These feelings are so awful and so draining.
Have been having extremely vivid dreams, always have. But these dreams are nightmares and even if I wake up and then go back to sleep, the dreams continue where they left off. This is also effecting me.
I feel both numb and in pain at the same time. Am I crazy?
NO, you are not crazy!!!! You are going through a tough time....and dealing with anxiety/depression. You are being proactive about it, speaking with your therapist, etc, and posting about it here (way to go!!!!)....just keep doing that.
It WILL get better with the steps you are taking, it just takes time. I admire you for reaching out and posting too....for a "private" type person, that is hard to do. I could verbally vomit about my personal **** all day...but we're all different.
PLEASE just be SURE that if your thoughts of suicide become serious, or you decide to actually start making a PLAN...you call for help right away. There is no shame in that...you would do it for anyone you knew....and life is too precious to miss out on. Even if you do not feel that way now. Think of your loved ones who would be devastated. Just please do not mess around with that, okay? YOU know yourself...and whether they are just "intrusive thoughts" (which we have all had at one time or another)...or whether it is more than that. And if you are not sure if they are just thoughts, or more, don't take a chance....get help.
Please keep posting and sharing. I hope you feel better soon, I know it is a TERRIBLE way to feel.
I do not think you are crazy. anxiety and even depression can make us feel so many profound sensations. I have been dealing with a bad dose of it lately myself, and I know what you mean when you talk about the sense of dread. I have been getting these waves of sickness to my stomach along with this feeling that everything around me is bad. It is something that I have never experienced before. But, when I stop to think about it, all of my life I have had anxiety and gone through phases of new sensations (like I used to think I was going to pass out or do something out of control). But then I just get used to the feelings, and I dont pay attention to them anymore---they dont scare me as much.
I can totally empathize with your struggle, and just know that we are all here for you. please keep us posted on your progress. I know that I didnt offer much in the way of help, but at least you know that you are not alone :)
I do feel sick to my stomach actually. It is a struggle and good to know I'm not alone.
There is no plan. When I feel like this I wonder about "loved ones" and how they might be better off without me but I know what you mean. I've felt suicidal before and acted on it once. That attempt was enough to prevent me from doing it again but the feelings are still there. The disconnected, numb but in pain feeling is something I can't understand.
Hey girlfriend...........you can't go anywhere till we've had our night howlin' at the moon, OK? You promise me that right NOW!
We've been through the judgement and rejection issue before and you gotta know by now just how much you are loved and cared for by everyone on this forum! I know it is hard to talk about ourselves so much, but that is the ENTIRE purpose of this place! And go back and read all the awesome posts YOU have written to other folks in pain! You are an old soul and have way too much inner wisdom to return it to the earth just yet. You're walking a difficult path right now, but you've walked them before and you KNOW you always come out of the forest into the light. Keep seeing the therapist and your medicine woman, together they will point the way. And you always have us.
My poem for wolf.................
Going from this place to another place
requires surrender of your old ways,
the honoring of sacred wisdom and not
anticipation of the journey only. The soul's
Migration between the old place and the new means
that you must recognize your path
to an unknown destination, risking all
with the chance of gaining nothing. You are merely
The connection between growth and suffocation,
the link that joins possibility to pain,
and thus you become the keeper of your own flame.
Going from this place to another place is like
the bird in winter who remembers
the beauty of her springtime nest
just to keep herself from freezing.
I'm so sorry you are hurting so much right now. I can PROMISE you that things would be FAR worse for your loved ones without you in their lives. As a "loved one"...we take people, their good and bad, right?
If someone you loved was going through the exact same thing, would you HONESTLY feel that it would be better for them to just no be there because they were a royal pain? Heck no! You would do everything in your power to help them through it. Not to say that it is easy for our loved ones....but I guaruntee they want you around and don't you forget it.
Hang in there....second by second if you have to. Call your doctor first thing in the morning and explain what is going on and that you need to be seen asap, so you can get started with a plan to move forward.
Appreciate your comments, I really do. Greenlydia - you're right, still have some howlin' to do and really liked your poem. Nursegirl if I saw a loved one in such pain I would do anything to help them. Have told both therapist and medicine woman about this so they are around, even if by phone.
I'll continue to hang .... not myself .... hang in
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad again. I pm'd you before I read your post on here. Do you notice if your depression comes in any kind of cycle?
You bought a new computer? Yeah!!!!! Hopefully, that will end your "note" and "friendship" problems, although now you are going to have to learn your new computer so that will keep you busy. Busy is always good for depression, don't you think?
I do think the anxiety/depression is cycilical but can't quite figure out what the cycle is. Embodied memories maybe? I hope the computer ends a lot of the problems that this one has had. And I won't put it together when I'm ripping drunk, I'll just wait till I try that weed I've been growing. That should get the censor's attention - if there is a censor on here.
It was a howl you heard. That was me when I saw the price of the computer.
Have you tried getting out of the house? What about taking your dogs for a walk to release some of that anxiety. Not only will it be good for the anxiety, but also raise your seratonin levels to combat the depression.
I just asked someone a few weeks ago how to make those hearts. They're cool huh? What you do is press Alt and then the number 3. Not the 3 on the board, but the one on the 10-key part on your right. I made the mistake of using the 3 on the board the first time and it won't work that way. Has to be the 10-key, Ok?
You are having a very rough go, but hang in there. Remember that you were created from a source of well-being and nothing can ever change that, no matter what circumstances that have brought on your feelings. I offer this to you......you are not your thoughts. You are not the mind patterns that play over and over again, whether in dreams or waking hours. There is divinity inside you, which you are always connected to. Your suffering has masked this in large part. I've been through much that you describe, and I sympathize. The divinity within you has been the magnet for the other compassionate responses to your posting. Many of us stand next to you.
I thought that you were feeling better until I saw this post...I wish there were something that I could write that could help you...
Remember when we wrote about you getting involved with the pet therapy with your dogs and the convalescent nursing homes? Have you given that any thought to trying to make that happen?
Give it a try...I think something very enlightening will happen for you...
I know when I was gong through a very rough time in my life many years ago, I spent some time visiting a home in the area...and it was an eye-opening experience and affected me quite profoundly. I walked away from it, realizing just how precious my life was at that very moment...and it was like a light bulb clicking on in a very dark closet.....
Try........you need to get outside of your head for awhile....
Am trying to put the new computer together. It will either help the anxiety and depression or give me computerphobia. Can't believe it, now I'm talking to myself. If anyone knows anything about Macs and MacMinis in particular I'd love to hear from you.
Find this time of year difficult. After reading a post about what set off the suicidal feelings, I began to think and realize that I have had numerous losses in May. It took awhile but .... maybe that's part of the reason.
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