It was a trip with my 3 guy buddies and my girlfriend was on a holiday overseas with her family. At night we went to a club/bar and started drinking heavily. I have a low tolerance for alcohol, binge drinks weekly, and I'm a completely different person while drunk. When we went back to the hotel there were so many pimps who approached us and offered us ladies. I didn't intend for it to happen but my lapse of judgement caused me to take one of the girls to my room while one of my other friend took another. I felt dizzy while I undressed my self and once I was on the bed, I realised the grave mistake I've made. I snapped out of it and told myself and her that I have a girlfriend and she should just give me a massage instead. She did. After it was done I quickly ran to my friend's room and started crying for I've betrayed the trust of the girl I loved most.
I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. It just burns through my soul that I could've done such a thing. We didn't have sex but I was still naked in bed with another girl and it kills me. I thought about it long and hard... I desperately want to continue my relationship with my girlfriend because I thought of marrying her once I'm done with university. We've been officially together for 2 months and she's the best thing that has happened to me.
I've decided not to tell her about the whole thing, because never will I commit such a crime again. I'm suffering the guilt myself and I don't want to share the hurt with her. My relationship would definitely end if I tell her. Worse is that she has anxiety issues and hearing this might literally kill her. I cried in front of my friends and they told me they'll do whatever it takes to help me continue my relationship. Bad things happen when I'm drunk and this time I've hit rock bottom.
I've promised to abstain from alcohol entirely now, as it was the root of the problem. However I keep having severe anxiety attacks. I can't sleep well as my mind plays the shameful thoughts repeatedly. My body can't take food well and I feel like puking most of the time. I can't seem to swallow food. My body shakes uncontrollably and I feel that the room temperature is colder than normal. My body feels weaker too. This intense guilt is taking over my life. And sometimes due to over-thinking I have the urge to tell her the truth. I experienced this once before when my ex left me for another guy during my exams and I wonder if it's a recurring illness that needs treatment.
Is there any way I can treat my condition? (Drugs, Counselling, Meditation, Telling the truth??) I want to be the perfect boyfriend and live a normal life again. Please help me...
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