Someone Please Help Me!!!

Everyday I wake up feeling depressed. I cry easily, I'm short with people and most times want to be left alone. Unless my best girlfriend visits..that helps a bit, but I even think she is getting frustrated with me. I do so a psychologist from time to time, but can't afford all the copays, etc. I used to see a psychiatrist, but he referred me to the psychologist because I've tried a million anti depressants and I am very med sensitive and can't tolerate the side effects. The side effects to me are worse than the depression. That has also made me have a fear of medications. I have anxiety also. I take 1 mg klonopin total throughout the day. Anything higher makes me feel like a zombie.
A bit of my history. I was misdiagnosed for 2 years and had kidney cancer. My sister had thyroid cancer, so I had an ultrasound on my thyroid, I had it, too. Here I am..39 yrs old and 1 kidney and no thyroid. I'm still trying to get my med right for my thyroid and I don't know if that's what's causing most of this depression/anxiety. After my surgery in Dec..I started feeling better and now I feel like I'm going backwards fast. I force myself to work. I almost lost my job before. I would get anxiety so bad I would either not go to work or leave early.
It seemed like I was getting better and all of a sudden, I had such a bad attack @ work, but thankfully it was almost the end of my shift so I forced through it.
Why am I waking up so unhappy and depressed everyday? I'm not going to kill myself or anything like that..but I just don't get it? No one understands. I used to be so outgoing, etc and then out of the blue..I was afraid to leave my house and the anxiety would even happen in my home! I don't know how I did it..but slowly I was able to get out again, go back to work, go shopping, etc and now I'm afraid all over again!! I'm tired of feeling this way and want my old self back. I would do anything to be that way again.
Also, I notice I'm not anxious in social situations, but anxious one on one. Im afraid to go on dates, etc. It's ruining my quality of life. I wish I could just take a happy pill like alot of others...but the side effects are so bad they send me to the ER. My psychologist recommended a book..that I already had anyway..Feeling Good by Dr David Burns..it helps for the moment, but then I'm back to the way I was. I pray daily for God to make me well again. I wake up the same everyday, though. I just don't think it's normal to wake up like that.
After all of my illness and misdiagnosis I am a hypochondriac. I can't brush off any symptom that I have. If it wasn't for me insisting something was wrong with me..the kidney cancer wouldve spread everywhere and I'd have died. I only found out about my thyroid because I decided to have it checked. The kidney was in 2002 and the thyroid 2009. This anxiety hit me bad about 2 years ago out of nowhere and I don't know what this depression is all about?? Who wakes up depressed everyday when there are people who don't wake up at all???
Please help me. Remember..there has to be a way to get through this without antidepressants. Right??? I'm not going to harm myself...just want to feel normal and be happy..or at least somewhat! I can't afford to lose my job and I certainly don't want to be like this!!!  Thank you for any advice!! Thank you for listening and letting me vent!!    

[MMahon]

You have been tru quite a tough time with your health. If ever there were 'reasons' to be depressed then you have them for sure.  Chronic health problems leave many depressed for a variety of reasons.  I'm sorry you have had a bad experience with antidepressant medication.  I have to assume your psychiatrist led you thru the proper trials with them  Some times doctors don't consider starting them at very small dosages and letting you build up on them slowly. It does take time sometimes to get over the side effects and eventually see the benefit from taking them.   I hope your doctor tried this.
I assume your thyroid hormones are now provided via medication.  Thyroid problems are frequent contributors to depression. Hopefully your doctors have also ruled this out as the cause of the symptoms you do experience now.
Depression and anxiety disorder are significant ailments as you are no doubt know.
I would suggest that you see another psychiatrist and get a second opinion.  Ask your psychologist for a referral.  I would also suggest that you further discuss depression with the doc treating your thyroid problem or better yet, see another one for a second opinion here as well.  Finally, after all this fails, I would suggest you speak to the psychiatrist about ECT  treatments.  When administered properly they can be quite effective.  I don't know if you are quite at that point yet as you are able to continue working and to your credit doing far better then many under the circumstances.   I had 7 ECT treatments while on a 2 week vacation from work. No one ever knew.  I had them as an outpatient.  It's something to consider but your other medical conditions may rule them out.  Other things to consider, if you haven't already, is the older antidepressants (tricyclics, MAO;s), and alternative medicine and Homeopathic Remedies.
Sorry I could not be of better help.  Please stay in touch with us and let us know how you are doing.  Take care

[froggy0936]

Thank you so much for your timely reply! Yes, the psychiatrist started me off on the lowest dose of everything! Everything he would try, I would take it for a few weeks and each one was worse than the other! Have you ever heard of someone being so med sensitive?? I'm even that way with antibiotics, etc. It really has caused me to have a fear of medications! Luckily, the Synthroid that I have to take for life causes no side effects..just a bit when changing doses.

Im really hoping this is more thyroid related..I just don't know. They say depression and anxiety can be caused by low thyroid levels, etc and I know I'm not where I need to be yet. It seems like it started even before that and another reason for my thyroid removal is because I also had Hashimoto's thyroid. I never knew that but the ultrasound showed it..endo said it was lumpy, etc. He just ordered a new panel of bloodwork so maybe that will clear things up a bit. One can only hope.

I would be more the type to try alternative medicine and Homeopathic Remedies...do you know of any good treatments? Of course, I will wait and see what my bloodwork shows.

I just don't trust my body..you know? I feel every little thing going on with it and make it into a big deal. Understandable, considering what I've been through...but I have to get over it. When I'm having an anxiety attack..it's very hard for me to just believe it is just that. The symptoms mimic so many other things and I'm afraid I'll be having a stroke or pass out or heart attack...and I'll say "Oh it's just anxiety"..and brush it off. It's like my life was spent going to the dr's and so many said they couldn't find anything wrong, but I kept going and going and they DID find things wrong! What happens if I would've stopped going? How do I know when to go and when not to go now? ..What a struggle!

Maybe I was able to surpress these feelings..(i don't know how because I've always stated these facts)...why would this depression and anxiety just come on full throttle and take over my life now? I sure don't want it to and try to think as positively as I can..but it doesn't usually work...as you can tell. I don't want to live my life depressed and a recluse. When I tell you I force myself to work, etc ...I really do. I just want it to come natural, though and feel good.

Thanks again!    

[MMahon]

Yes there are a number of people here on the forum who have responded to medications the same way you have.  I have had some bad side effects at times so I know what you mean.
I am lucky however that not all medications effect me, or the effects subsided in time.
Your situation is complicated by your other ailments and I know how this is too.
If you didn''t have anxiety or depression issues until 2 years ago then I would highly suspect your thyroid problems too.  I think if your thyroid hormones are low then maybe your medication should be increased.  But I'm sure your doctor will moniter this.  Be sure to discus your depression and anxiety with this doctor. he is also the one to discuss alternative medicine or homeopathic treatment as well as you don't want to do anything that may make matters worse.  I don't do any of those things so I cannot give any advice on them.
I wish you well and hope to hear you are feeling better soon.  Contact me at any time.
Take care.

[froggy0936]

You're very nice to talk to and I appreciate your time and advice. Thank you so much!