Something just happened - why am I so anxious??

Hi, my neighbor (who I thought was a good friend) knows that I am having problems with anxiety this past 1-1/2 months. But ... this a.m. she pulled a fast one. I asked earlier in the a.m. if I could borrow her vacuum cleaner. I even said "if that's a problem, just let me know. It's no big deal." She said yes, you can use it. When I called a few hours later to say "hey, I'd like to come over for it," she completely ripped me to shreds. Said, to some effect, "You can't always use me as your g-d@m back-up all the time. If you can find the time over the past several weeks to go to this doctor and that doctor, then you can buy your own g-d@m vacuum cleaner." She herself said when my heightened anxiety started "I've got your back, don't worry about your child. And if you need ANYthing, just let me know." I have been SO careful not to abuse that offer. I've only asked this neighbor to watch my 4-year old a few times over the past several weeks, and haven't asked her for any other help. Only when she's asked "how's it going?" have I said anything about what's going on with my anxiety treatment. In the past, before this whole anxiety issue, she's said things like "we've adopted you guys" (my husband, me, and my daughter), "you're like family." I can tell you, my family has NEVER said something this mean to me before. As soon as she ripped into me today, I felt a lot of anxiety well up. And what burns me up is, I'd been doing SO well over the past 2-3 days. Just switched from Xanax to Klonopin, and the transition was just starting to go well. I went downstairs to my husband, told him what happened, and then just cried. That helped, I guess. But it's been a few hours, and I'm still feeling anxious. Not as much as when it happened, but my chest is tight, and I feel a bit nauseaus, with some heart palpitations. My next dose of Klonopin is in 10 minutes, so that hopefully will help. But ... the larger issue is - how can we, as anxiety sufferers, deal with such insensitive people? It's just not that easy to say "so what, I don't care what you just said." She was way beyond insensitive.What are some techniques you've all used to calm yourself down in these kinds of situations? I mean, in my mind I know this really is not such a big deal. And that scares me, because what happens when something BIG really does happen? How am I supposed to deal with it?? My old self would have said to her "what's your problem?" Instead, on the phone when she said this, I just said ,"hmmm, right. ok, goodbye." That's all I could say, because I was stunned. I know the ball is in her court now, but here I am left a wreck. This SUCKS!!

[Raine9]

Wow, I think you hit on a good subject.  I think anxiety sufferers are much more sensitive than the average person dealing with these situations.  Last week, I was supposed to have a play date with my best friend and her daughter and she basically cancelled out on me while I was driving to her house.  She basically blew me off because another friend decided to change her plans.  I know she didn't mean to blow me off and was not thinking when she did this.   We have been friends for over 20 years.  Needless to say, I was very upset.  I talked to my husband and two other friends.  It didn't help that I was upset about my dr's appointment the day before and I had PMS!  I think the best thing is to talk it out and write it out the way you did in your post.  But letting time pass is THE KEY.  My situation with my friend is better now.  She told my other friend that she didn't mean to do it.  She considers us family and we can come and go as we please.  The plans with the other girl was a once in a blue moon deal.  However, I can't explain why your neighbor is treating you this way.  Does she have multiple personalities or something?  She is the one with the problem.  You have nothing to apologize for or say to her.  Wait for her to come to you and if she doesn't than that's her loss.

Anyway, hope you feel better.  Try to relax.  Do whatever helps you.  Listen to music, take a walk.  Time, as I said,  will heal all wounds.  (Hate to throw out a cliche, but...)

[heartfluttersflyawayplz]

wow, well friends are not always friends, sorry you went through that but better to see it now than later. try not to worry to much about it, there will be other times when someone will hurt you , but just walk away from it knowing you was the adult and didnt stoop to their level to hurt them, i belive she will feel bad about it sooner or later and try and talk to you , she will see ya out and think about what she said, its going to be worse on her . i hope the klonopin calms you down and remember dont let this set you back its not worth it, keep going foward and let this go. hope you have a better afternoon.

[April2]

You know what? You don't need a friend like that! You deserve better! Now that she has shown her true colors, I would not only NOT borrow things from her anymore but I also sure wouldn't leave my precious child with her. Even if she had felt you were imposing on her, she could have said it much nicer. I had to talk to my friend one time. I loved her like a sister, but I felt like I was the only one giving anything in the relationship. I did sit down and had a talk with her and she cried and said she didn't mean to treat me that way. I have learned though, as much as I love her, that I need to find other friends who have more in common with me.
I think the best way to deal with insensitive people is to stay away from them as much as possible and surround yourself with people who truly care about you. Try and get involved in things where you'd meet other women (I'm assuming your a woman! :) like a club or Bible study or something. Try and keep busy doing the things you enjoy.
Don't let this bully affect you anymore. She's not worth it. If you see her again, remain polite but distant and don't show her how much she affected you. Keep your dignity and show her how a real lady is supposed to act like!
Don't dwell on this situation, and don't try to overanalyze it. She may have had a bad day and was grouchy or she may really have felt put upon, who knows. But no one deserves to be treated like that. And I sure wouldn't leave my child with her again. Who knows how she'd talk to her when you're not around?
Keep your head up. Remember, you deserve to be treated with respect. This is her problem.
You sound like a very compassionate, sensitive person. We need more people like that in this world. Take care & God bless!

[Darius5691]

Thanks soooo much for your quick responses! I really needed them! I do realize that this isn't my problem, and that my neighbor is the one who will need to figure it out ... and I assume apologize at some point to me. But ... in the meantime, I totally agree that I need to keep my head high. I totally don't want her to know that she made me feel like **** all day. That'd be like giving her control or something. I'm almost tempted to say that perhaps she said the mean and nasty thing because she WANTED to make me feel bad, for some reason or another. And I've also been thinking, like April, that it's probably best not to let my daughter stay with her - at least not until I'm certain that this neighbor is a stable person. I thought she was! Go figure. We've known her (and her husband) for 5 years, so this was a complete shock. She's never been so impolite before, and in fact always reminds us that she's a "southern gentlewoman." ha ha But nothing excuses today's comments. It's ironic on another level, because I'd been thinking over the last several months that it's not ME that she really wants to be around - it's my daughter. I do know they are close, but honestly what she did today makes me very nervous. I've been doing pretty good this afternoon in terms of staying busy with work (I work from home as a researcher with a university in Maryland), so that helped. And now that I've taken the Klonopin dose, I do feel the anxiety dissipating. But, I'm sooo tired right now. I did think too much about it, unfortunately. Even under "normal" circumstances (i.e., when I'm not an anxious wreck to begin with), I would have had a hard time dealing with this. Certainly, I would have called her on the carpet by saying "what the heck?" but it still would have made my stomach do backflips. In a way, I'm kind of proud of how I handled this today, considering the heightened anxiety I've been feeling. It could have gone into a full blown panic attack, and it didn't. yeah! You all are so nice to help me out. And your comments really did help. Thanks so much!
Anne

[debaser23]

Well, a couple things.

First off, this person was obviously having a bad day or something.  If she's treated you well before, then it's likely you can remain very good friends and neighbors.  Everybody has bad days.  

Secondly (and this will not be a popular thing for me to say), is that anxiety sufferers can come off as very needy people at times.  I know I've been needy, and I saw it annoy the one and only friend I could talk to about this.  My parents knew about my anxiety, too.  They'd try not to show it but they (especially my mother) would get annoyed.  I could tell.  So you say you've "only" asked her to take care of your 4 year-old a few times over the last few weeks...well, that's actually a lot.  To you, your kid is probably the greatest thing since sliced bread.  To other people, well...I certainly don't know him or her so I can't say for sure...but generally other peoples' kids can be a handful.  Hopefully I haven't offended you.

Perhaps you should've taken her vacuum back to her instead of asking her to come get it?  That could've been the little thing that finally set her off, I don't know.  In fact, I could be full of **** with everything I've been writing.  Just food for thought, you know.

But it's an interesting topic for those of us who are unmarried anxiety sufferers, especially.  You gotta lean on someone.  Who do you lean on?  Should we be careful not to lean on one person too much?  Even though it's difficult to open up to others, perhaps it would be good to have at least two people who're there for us.

[Darius5691]

I completely understand where you're coming from, debaser23, and I agree. In fact, I'll be the first to admit that I've been more needy this past 1-1/2 months, in particular with my husband (very supportive person, he is). I really have been careful not to "bother' this neighbor too much over the past several weeks. In particular, because they were having their house resided and all the windows replaced, besides having a pool company come by numerous times to give estimates on having a pool installed.  She wasn't around much because of that, and she and I didn't really talk much during that time. I did ask her to watch my daughter 2x over the course of those 2 weeks, which isn't much considering my neighbor is always begging me to get her "fix" of my daughter. She loves her very much. But I do have to say that, when I asked her to watch her the other night, I made sure to tell her that another person was also available to do it, and if she wasn't able to/didn't want to, it would be no big deal to ask this other person. She didn't skip a beat before saying that she wanted my daughter to sleep over her house. I never even asked her to do that. Only to stay with her in the evening at our house, and I'd be back by 10 p.m.

I do agree that this sort of blow up isn't going to completely ruin our friendship, but I'm sure it will change the dynamic, at least for a while. I feel a bit gun shy at this point. I was just telling my husband, though, that I often advise my daughter, when one of her friends does something she perceives as "mean," to not let it ruin the friendship. I need to live by my own words!! LOL :-)

By the way, I didn't have her vacuum at my house. I'd only asked to borrow hers this morning. She said yes, but when I called back a few hours later to see if I could run over to get it, that's when she wigged out.

I definitely have noticed other friends pulling back since I've been more open about having an anxiety/panic disorder. I guess it's a fairly misunderstood disease, and people get a little nervous when you mention mental health issues. Some friends have been pretty good about it, and others a bit silent. Funny this about this neighbor is, she used to be a psych nurse! So you'd think she would be a bit more understanding about this whole thing.

Anyway, I feel much better now. And if she does approach me tomorrow, or at some point int he future, I'll be open to what she has to say. And if she doesn't approach me, then I'll know that our friendship just wasn't meant to be. I'm old enough now to realize that not all relationships work out.

Thanks to every for listening! Have a great night,
Anne  

[suzi-q]

Remember this....this is HER problem, not YOURS. She obviously has some issues that need to be resolved which is none of your business.  Go on with your life and forget about her.  When she gets over her hissy fit, she will come back to talk to you in a civilized manner....if not, then she isn't a person you want as a friend.  Life is too short, it isn't worth it.

as far as you other friends go, I don't think they are shying away because of your anxiety issues.  I feel that you may be obsessing about it so much that they don't want to hear it anymore.  I have a friend at work who suffers with anxiety and she always turned to me for help.  I was always there and understood what she meant because I too have the same problems. However, others who do not suffer from these feelings seem to get disgusted listening to us ramble over every little thing.  That iswhy this site is so valuable.  We want to listen and help out, because we KNOW what you are feeling.  Even my husband gets sick and tired of listening to me go on and on about it.  When you speak to your other friends, keep your anxiety issues out of it.  Talk about other things and if they ask how you are feeling just answer "fine" no matter what you feel like.  Keep the anxiety thoughts here with people who know.  Best to you.

[Darius5691]

Very good points, Suzi-Q. I do need to remember that people without anxiety have no idea what we're dealing with. I'm sure it's hard for them to listen on a regular basis. Funny thing is, I've met roughly 4 people in the past 1-1/2 months who also have either dealt with or are still dealing with panic and/or anxiety. So many people in the world ... and four of them within my small circle. I'm sure there are more. We do need to stick together. Thanks so much for your support!
Anne

[Darius5691]

Ok, it's confirmed. My neighbor is certifiable NUTS. She called me today, to ask when my daughter would be home from daycare so that she could give her a promised toy. I said "are you kidding me? You're calling about a toy, after what you said to me yesterday?" She proceeded to tell me that she couldn't hold her tongue any longer, that she feels I underappreciate her, and (in a nutshell) that I'm a bad mother, bad wife, and a self-centered person all around. Too much detail to go into here, but suffice it to say ... the conversation went downhill pretty fast. I told her that if she had problems with me, or the way I parent my child (which by the way, I said, isn't her concern anyway), she should have said something a lot sooner. Rather than wait until it's boiling over, and to do so in such an immature, cruel and ineffective way. I really did say that, I was pretty proud that I was even able to SPEAK, let alone say things that actually made sense. I'm not good with confrontation, never have been. Anyway, I also said (in response to her remark about being a bad mother) that I believe I'm a great mother who gives her child a lot of positive attention. And as for being a bad wife, who "isn't committed to my family," I told her that just because I don't make my husband lunch everyday, iron his underwear, and generally cow-tail to his every fancy, doesn't make me a bad wife. She is close to 60, so I pointed out that we are from a different generation. I don't agree with how she does things, and she doesn't agree with how I do things. So what. Honestly, she was going for the jugular at every turn. Pointing out EVERYthing that I've ever done wrong over the past two years (that's when we really started to become friends, and when she started taking a strong interest in my daughter). She said that my child is spoiled, undisciplined, and gave me the impression that she's frustrated as all heck with her. So, I said "fine, then you won't have to worry about seeing her anymore." What's the most frustrating thing about this whole situation is ... this neighbor never gave me the impression that there was anything wrong - not with how she perceived my appreciation of her (which, by the way, I've been careful to say "thank you" all the time, tell her how we're blessed to have her in our lives, and I've showered her with all kinds of gifts over the years, as a way to say thanks for helping out with my child), nor with how I am raising my child (in fact, she's always been quick to point out how well behaved my daughter is while at her house, how she eats everything put in front of her, etc. - eluding to the fact that, gee, she doesn't always do that at OUR house), etc. etc. I could go on. Can you believe this person?? Like I said, I'm pretty happy with the way I handled it. I didn't get overly angry on the phone with her, I said pretty much all I wanted to say(without going overboard - I tried not to get too personal with her, even though she was doing that with me), and I made sure she understood that I was offended and felt that she had stepped wayyyy over the line. She ended up hanging up on me! Then she brought over a bag of stuff and put it on our steps - one item is our house key (which I'd asked for back). Good riddence, bad influence in my life!! I feel pretty good that I know now what she's really like. But, I can't help but feel bad for my daughter. They had developed a strong relationship. Of course, at the same time, I'd be totally not ok with my child being in this neighbor's presence now that I know what kind of mean, evil-spirited, unstable person she is. How do I explain this to my 3 (soon to be 4) year old? I can't talk badly about the neighbor, so should I say "oh, she's sick right now, honey, and we won't be seeing her for a while." ?? Help! I don't want my daughter to feel too sad at the fact that she won't be seeing her, and I certainly don't want her to think that SHE did anything wrong. Any advice??
Anne

[Raine9]

That's rough business.  It hurts when someone you thought was your friend betray you like that.  You are gonna need time to deal with this.  You handled it well, though  I do feel sorry for your daughter having to be in the middle of all this.  I don't think you should say anything negative to your daughter about your neighbor.  Don't teach her to have negative feelings about people.  I also have a 3 year old daughter soon to be 4, and I don't get along with my husband's sister but I never say anything bad about her to my daughter.  I don't want my daughter to be a hateful person.  I guess you can just explain to your daughter that she won't be seeing your neighbor anymore because she's sick or something or just doesn't have time to spend with her.  Buy your daughter toys and take her to her favorite places so she'll feel better.  Make sure your daughter understands that it's not her fault.  I am very sorry for all this.  It's just so sad how fake and two faced some people can be.  

Take care.

[tanns]

I just wanted to say that someone who hasn't experienced the FEAR of anxiety has no idea what it is like.  My family and friends have been very supportive, but they are about done with all of it.  All but one.  She's is with me 100%.  She doesn't think I'm crazy or need to just "think positive".  I swear if I hear it is simply "mind over matter" I will truly freak out.  AGH!!    Okay, back to my point.  My mom has been a lifesaver to me over this past year or so BUT I am now careful when and what I say to her.  I only mention on the really, really bad and hard days that something is wrong.   She has a point that she just gets really frustrated with me.

I think unless you've gone through it, you have NO idea how scary and frustrating it can be.  That is why I come here to this forum, people DO understand and sometimes it is more support than my is able to give.

I'm sorry about your situation.  Hopefully you can take a few days and maybe let it settle down a bit.  People say things in the heat of the moment that they shouldn't.  She might not mean all the things she said.   You can still be cordial for your child's sake.  

Good luck.

[Darius5691]

My husband also said that we should remain cordial, not just for our child's sake, but also for the sake of being next door neighbors. He still likes the husband, and just because the wife and I have had a falling out, doesn't mean he can't continue some type of neighbor relationship with him. I think the lesson in all of this, for me, is that I need to be more careful next time in how I enter into a friendship/relationship with someone. For all intents and purposes, we (my child, me, and hubbie) were considered to be part of their family. That's what they billed it as, but we really should have been more careful in our own minds that ... we are NOT family. We are neighbors. You can't necessarily choose the person you live next to, and in this case, it so happens that the neighbor fell head over heals in love with our daughter. If not for that, I don't believe I'd be having this discussion with everyone here! This woman wants grandchildren so badly, but her own grown daughters are no where near having kids. So, I think she "adopted" us so that she could enjoy some of the perks of quasi-grandparenting. I'm sure that over time, there will be somewhat cordial greetings "over the fence," but for now I plan to keep my distance. I mean, I'm not going to hide from her, but I'm also not going to go out of my way to say anything to her, either. Like I told my husband earlier, I promise not to give her the finger when I see her next. ha ha  ... But seriously, I don't want to get into a longstanding feud. That wouldn't do my anxiety a bit of good, for sure. And more importantly, I don't want my daughter to see any kind of hateful exchanges. I still can't get over the fact that the neighbor was a nurse ... a psych nurse at one time, if you can believe it. You'd think she would understand to a degree what anxiety is like, given that she's probably helped patients with it at some point in her career. Thanks, everyone, for your responses. If there's one thing I've learned in my short 41 years ... it's that friendships do come and go. When you find one that lasts, hold onto it with all your heart. :-)
Cheers,
Anne