The unluckiest man ever

[Fearnotreal]

Hi guys I have a story to share iam sexually not very active but one dark unlucky night under the influenced of whisky along with my friend we pick up two african Tanzanian prostitute from the street and we had sex it was meant to be protected sex but unfortunately my condom broke and I don't really know how long I carried on unprotected and realized only when I ejaculated and she said I came all over  her leg and I ask her if she have any STDs and she said she go for regular check up and she is clean but what worried me is she said I should go for check up these days since that night onwards my life has been completely dark anxiety fear and sense of guiltiness has taken over me  and so many uncertain questions in my head before all this happened I used to be  very active I go to gym work out every evening and go jogging whenever I have time but post the incidence iam totally depressed and quit everything and have miss some very important work in my carrier I can never concentrate on my books any more and also iam in long term relationship but I have broke up with my gf because I can't give her much time iam more too conscious about hiv then anything and finally I went for hiv test on 6th and 9 weeks it was combo test by cmia both of them came out negative it gave me a little space to breathe but how long I go on testing for hiv 3 months ? 6 months? 1 year? Or may be even more? and I have read some post  in freedom health where many men who had risk exposure like me with africans continued to test negative but after 3 or 4 years they developed symptoms like seborrheic dermatitis all over there body and trench mouth but still they continue to test negative and doctors have no clue to it I guess that is the rare strains and inter subtypes that current antibody test is not able to detect  . Everything scares me my future looks dark and uncertain. I used to have a small happy life but after the incidence my life has been in complete darkness and disaster I wonder if I will ever have my happy life back again . Drunkenness and few minutes of sex really not worth it. My life is ruin. I have come to the point when I get positive result that is the day I end my life but these 6 & 9 weeks negative result keep me breathing. And there is very little hope left in me anyways it's a long story but I feel good I let it out my feelings here in forum when I have no one to talk to about these whole issue. Thank you

[Sara_MHModerator]

This forum is not for discussing HIV risk but is for anxiety. We hope you seek treatment for your anxiety.  We are closing this discussion as there is nothing more to add than what our members have already stated.

***  thread closed ***

[Fearnotreal]

I was standing on the edge of cliff and I thank you guys for being there for me.I have nothing left but to pray and hope that everything will turn out to be okay.

[Paxiled]

That's not true at all.  You still are avoiding seeing a psychologist and working this out in therapy, seeming to prefer avoidance.  Get in there and fight!

[Fearnotreal]

I will wait until next week by that time It will be 12 weeks and will have a test and consultation with doctor after that I will definitely seek out for psychologist,i have lost about 6 kg in few weeks I don't know what is the real factor behind.

[specialmom]

I agree that you need to keep your focus squarely on treating anxiety.  This is the answer to bringing light back to your life.  A psychiatrist, talk therapy and medication could make the world of difference for you and I strongly urge you to seek this kind of impactful help.  good luck

[AnxiousNoMore]

Fearnotreal your 4th gen test was conclusive at 28 days so you don't have to take anymore tests. More info can be found here. http://www.medhelp.org/forums/HIV-Prevention/show/79

Hopefully knowing you are done testing can allow you to relax. I can see why you were worried before when you were thinking you had more to do.

[AnxiousNoMore]

Actually you have been advised in the HIV forum already. Hopefully you can make use of some of the anxiety advice above to deal with your HIV phobia.

[Paxiled]

This will probably be moved to the HIV forum, but your problem isn't really HIV, is it?  It's you letting this one incident, after which you've done all you can do to make sure your health is fine by getting tested (and it's a bit confusing what you said, about the condom breaking because if it was on her leg, well, that's not where it goes if you're in the right place if you get my drift, so I am a bit confused) yet you're letting this ruin your life.  It's one thing to learn from doing something stupid or that you consider to have been wrong, it's quite another to let it ruin your entire life.  You've given up everything you love because you goofed.  That's your problem, and it's probably not new, it's probably been a way you've been thinking for awhile that's broken out.  I'd suggest a good psychologist who can help you change the way you react to things and the dire tracks your life takes under stress.  I wish you luck.

[Fearnotreal]

I posted here thinking you guys will help me calm down a bit with my fear and anxiety.This was never meant to happen if not for my stupidness and drunkenness, It was one huge stupid mistake I made and iam pretty sure I have learned from my mistake but is it too late to say that iam sorry? Or did I dodged a bullet this time around?Waiting and going through the window period has been a nightmare and maybe I will even have to go beyond the window period and take extra test because of her origin Africa where different strains and subtypes of viruses exist damn I think I have been doing too much of research and goggling...totally stressed out. About the broken condom (we were in doggy position and I only came to know when I have already ejaculated and lose my erection she said I have come all over her and her legs,don't really know how long I was inside her) *sorry if it's too graphic.

[Paxiled]

You're still fixating on the wrong thing -- you're problem is anxiety.  That's what you need to treat.  We can't calm you down when your fears have been dealt with rationally and you're still obsessing over it.  You're going to do stupid stuff in life and hopefully learn from it, but again, you've given up everything that makes your life your life because of something that appears to have had no permanent effects.  You need to treat the way you think or this will just become your way of dealing with life and that will not be fun.

[Fearnotreal]

You correctly stated my situation ,truth to be to be told -past couple of weeks iam emotionally and psychologically drained, I have even started to avoid my friends and can't have a good time together with them anymore since I prefer to be all alone and I have lost a lot of weight too and I look super skinny now. I try to look at the good and the brighter side but the nightmare haunted right back at me and keeps revolving around me faster than the speed of light ,iam fighting hard trying to overcome all the fear and anxiety and the way I look at things and it's not easy but iam optimistic and hopeful that one day I will surely overcome the darkness and rise above the.

[Fearnotreal]

darkness