Thinking about breathing

[Quin1823]

On May 28th I delivered my son sleeping at 20 weeks. He weight 1 poud 4oz. At first I was ok, I stayed busy and went back to work right away. I found out on June 19th that I lost the baby due to a blood clot in the placenta. Every since that day everything went down hill. I thought that there was something wrong with me. I went to the hospital the next complaining of chest pains. I thouhg that I has a blood clot somewhere inside me and that I was going to die. Everything was fine. The following weekend I went to the doctor because I had some pressure in my head and they couldn't find anything. I have since accepted that this is all anxiety. Sometimes I feel that if I would have never found out what was wrong with the baby I wouldn't be going through this. at the same time I feel that this is apart of greeving. I have never really greeved for any one before. I feel like I am going to loose it. All I can think about is breathing. like i have to di it manually. I just woke up one day and this was stuck in my head. It's always there.  I dont know if thats because my son was born not breathing or what. Has anyone ever taken antidepressants after a loss and were you able to stay off of them? Did you ever get over the breathing issue? Thanks!

Quin

[nursegirl6572]

Not much to add to Mr. Green's wonderfully written post!  First of all....I'm so sorry for your loss.  I had a late term miscarriage at 19 weeks...so I sorta know how you feel a little bit...it's very hard.

To hopefully ease your mind a bit....a blood clot in the placenta has absolutely NOTHING to do with YOU having (or not) a blood clot anywhere in your body..totally unrelated.  It didn't happen b/c YOU developed a blood clot and it ended up there.  A baby's circulation is actually very much so seperate from the circulatory system of the Mom.  The baby gets nutrients thru the placenta from your system...but it is not as if you share a bloodstream with your baby....opposite as a matter of fact!

I think physcotherapy is a great choice...keep at it....you will have a while to go struggling with this...any time a person has a loss...you search for answers...and even HAVING answers doesn't always make you feel better.  You just have to get thru the periods of grief until you get to acceptance.  It will always hurt, but as time goes by....the pain will lessen.  Perhaps look into a support group to meet other mothers who have gone thru this type of loss?  I know a lot of area have pregnancy loss groups...I think it would be worth checking out.

Best of luck to you.

[Quin1823]

Thank you so much for responding. I am going to counceling but she is mainly focusing on trying to get the breathing thoughts out of mt head. I am trying my hardest to think of other things but it's really hard. sometimes I dont think about it but I ketch myself and I start it all over again. Everything you said did sound right. Thanks for your kind words!

[MrGreen]

Such a loss would have great effect on anybody. Sad to read about. What you seem to be searching out is understanding. Understanding of why things happened as they did. Was it you there was something with that caused the baby to be still born or was it the baby there was something not right with. Not having answers can hurt a lot. And it probably, if not for certain, has brought about your present condition. What would make things better for you? That's what you have to ask yourself. Knowing some answers about why it happened? I say what I say because by just taking medication you are not really addressing the full issue. Medication is like a mask for us all and our conditions. When the best thing for us all is finding out answers. We know why and when your condition began. But I feel there is a lot more there. A lot more that you would love to understand. I read you know why the baby died. But there is the blame issue. Whether you attache any blame to yourself or not? Were I say there was nothing you could have done. You would have loved to mothered that child. You might feel if only I could have done this or that. Heaping more guilt upon yourself. When really you done all you could. What happened was out of your hands. The obvious next answer would be theraphy. But not just to talk. To learn how to breath. Therapists do teach that kind of stuff as well. So you could get to talk a lot and get help with your breathing issues as well. The longer you leave it be the more it will embed itself deeper. Not sure if my wording was the correct wording. A loss such as yours is not something I have ever had to experience. So forgive me if my words come across in a way in which you don't like. Just sad to read. And something you would like to be able to help the person with.

MrGreen