Thoughts

[christineyvette]

Okay so i've been dealing with alot of **** latley with my family and living situations and relationships with people I live with. I live with my father and two sisters. We tend to get along but our lives are different. They both work and have significant others and are usually not home and when they are they sleep or relax after a long day. I on the other hand am agoraphobia so I don't get out much, especially in the winter because my anxiety and depression seem to be 10x worse. Okay so anyways, my mother doesn't live here because she and my dad were not getting along and we all argued and told her to leave that it was toxic how she would emotianlly manipulate us. She left to go live with her parents August of 2016. When I was going though the motions of being first diagnosed with OCD at 7, depression and panic disorder at 12 and ect, my mom was my rock. I was always afraid if I wasn't with her she would die or get in a accident so I was attached to her alot. I hated going to school and being away from her incase something happened. My first panic attack and expierence with anxiety was rough too. I thought I was dying and every panic attack was rough until I realized how to realize that I was not going to die. Not having her here home was hard but I never said anything because i'm not the only one who lives here. Anyway, I had a bad bad bad panic attack on Thanksgiving and the depersolaziation was bad and I remember being on my bed saying "I want my mom She knows how to make me feel better" and its not like my dad or sisters don't but they tell me things like "think about something else, get over it, or you'll be fine" which DOES not help. I got stuck in this motion thinking that I will not survive any more panic attack or anxiety attacks without my mom back home. I think something snapped in me after 2 years of not saying anything about needing her. We texted back and forth and my anxiety was so damn high and I was asking my dad and sisters to let her come back and that I wouldn't get better without her here. They said well you can call her or visit her. I could not leave the house with this much anxiety. They didn't get it. That I needed her here. That was stuck in my head and I wanted my way. I didn't want to face another awful panic attack like that without her here. I kept doing things to convince them. I was losing it. I was convinced that maybe if they could see how bad I was they would let her come back. All I kept hearing was "its not going to happen.I cannot live with her we don't get along." "No this is not about you think about how we feel" I was just worried I'd get worse and she wouldn't be here to help. I kept trying to get their attention. I'd get mad. When they went to bed I would throw things at the wall so they'd wake up and see how I was suffering. I'd tell my dad I can't do this anymore. I told him that in his room then ran to my room and I cut myself (literally not even just scratches) because I needed them to see what I needed. My dad and sisters grabbed me and said "WHY DID YOU DO THIS?!" and I cried and said "I want my mom!" They all got mad and said "Oh okay so throw us under the bus because we don't help you enough?!" Which made it worse. I decided to go to the hospital. They have be .5 of Ativan and I told them about my anxiety and the family situation and obviosult they can't control what goes on at home but I told them about my thoughts and my OCD and how I need my mom but she's not home. I spoke to the crisis councleer all while my mom and dad were just arguing the whole time in the room with me while waiting and I kept trying to get them to figure it out so my mom could come home. They did the thing, said I was not a harm to myself (I wasn't. I was not suicidal I was just full of anxiety and I was mad) and I went home and to follow up with the crisis team. It didn't get better and nobody could see I needed my mom so I told my dad i'm running away. I couldn't stay in this house where nobody cares that im suffering and wont let my mom come home. I didn't run I just hid in a field a bit away from my house and when nobody took me seriously I went home. I was still mad and scared and anxious and just full of every emotion. I told everyone in this house to leave me alone. To not talk to me that i'll be out of this house soon and they don't have to care. (I'm hopefully getting an apartment with my mom soon) So they didn't. They didn't ask how I was, didn't check on me ect. I complained to my mom who bitched to my dad ect ect. It went like that for a week and I isolated myself. My mom came over to stay a night with me and I hated it because that's not how its supposed to be. She's supposed to be living here not visiting. She told me she was going to move her stuff back in and come back. The next morning my sisters found out and said "HELL NO WE CANT HAVE YOUR MANIPULATIVE *** BACK" and all hell broke loose. I stopped talking and stared at the wall hoping they'd think that it was really bad and she could come back. My grandparents came to pick my mom up and my grandmother was yelling about how awful my sisters were treating my mother and how they were talking to her. Everyone started yelling and swearing and all while I was laying in my bed hoping this would go my way. I kept hearing my sister who I don't always get along with just talking crap to my mom and yelling in her face. I just got up and walked downstairs and I punched her in the face. I was pissed. She was making decisious for everyone about my mom coming back or not. We then pulled eachothers hair and fought and then I went back up to my room. I stopped talking to everyone and secluded myself in my room only to leave to get water , food (which was hard to even eat and has been for almost 2 months because my anxiety gets so bad I lose my appetite and dry heave) and to bathe when I had the energy. I was crying and just a anxious mess. Constant panic attacks and I felt like I could never talk to my family again. They told me that I told them to not talk to me and I did because I was mad but I thought they would realize how bad I was and try to help. They didn't. Okay so this brings me to the main point that has been bothering me. After the fight I started getting intrusive thoughts. I kept being scared that I would get so mad at my sister that I would snap and kill her. I would never hurt anyone. I saw something on tv about somebody who killed somebody and instantly thought "oh my god me and my sister have been mad at eachother what if I could do that to her!?" I then kept panicking on this thought over and over for days. I avoided her cause I was scared of the thoughts. I remember she was trying to talk to me and I was scared to talk to her or look at her because I was afraid if I was capable of being a harm to her. I associate my dad with the hosptial and feeling anxious and scared and now when I think of watching a movie with him or talking to him in the same room my anxiety spikes and I need him to leave so I can calm down. Did I form a adversion to my family? Did I **** up my brain to feel like I did while trying to get them to let me have my mom home? I'm so scared. I was looking through my old snapchats perviously and saw one with me and my sister and INSTANT panic attack just seeing her on the phone. What the hell is that? I remember my dad saying that when i'm feeling up to it he would take me out for a drive to feel better and I got anxious because now I associate being anxious with him. I can't get past this and it's draining. What does it mean? Am I going crazy? I need answers.

[Paxiled]

At no time do you mention you're in treatment for this.  Are you in therapy, and if not, why not?  Childhood fears are not the same necessarily as adult ones.  While it's understandable you want your Mom to make it all better, she really can't and hasn't and didn't when she was living there, right?  I mean, you still developed all this stuff when she was still there.  I also assume you and your Mom have a phone and that you can still meet and talk.  Families breaking apart are always hard -- on everyone, not just on people who suffer with anxiety as you do.  There are things we just can't do anything about in life and things we can -- you can see someone to find out why you are so insecure and so frightened at such a young age without being able to fix your family, but I suspect your family situation, which didn't start when your Mom moved out, it's why she moved out, has a lot to do with it because you're young and have developed a tight and understandable dependency on her.  We all do that with our parents and especially our Moms.  But the anxiety disorder you're describing has to be dealt with no matter what happens and will have to be dealt with if you do move in with your Mom or if she did move back in with your family.  See where I'm going with this?  You have to do some work now so your life, and it is your life, can be all you hope it will be.