To medicate or not

Hi all, this is my first time on this site and wow, I am not alone. I have been going crazy lately; feel like I've lost control of myself. I have always been a shy child, always holding on to my mother for support. That said, I can't say I grew up in a very functional family (this is probably the root of all my issues). When I was younger, I remember always being bored, always looking for something to do, my parents busy with work, if they weren’t at each other’s throats. Somehow, I feel the same right now, bored, anxious and restless.

Love life has been a disaster from the start. Major anxiety issues that would push the guys away. I have always been told that I am so pretty, but so insecure. This forced me on a long road to self discovery in hope to gain self esteem. I am a Grad student, do very well with my career. This has helped with my self esteem, however I still cannot find a relationship that will last. Somehow, as soon as I sense a little space or detachment from a man, I start to panic.

I have been on Celexa on/off for 6 years. I though it was a miracle, really helped. I stopped once I started therapy 6 months ago. I finally had the tools to deal with my thoughts and it worked for a little bit. I recently started a relationship with an old friend (thought it was perfect, like dating my best friend). It was ok for awhile, but then he started to pull away. I am once again in that old place of not knowing what to do.

For a month now, I have had trouble sleeping for which I started taking Nyquil (I just can’t seem to turn off my thoughts). I have daily headaches and have now started to have trembling in my chest that just won’t go away. I am resentful of all the good things I did for him, even though they felt effortless before. He just seems not to care or appreciate me anymore (not sure if it’s me or him though). We are not so close that I can speak of my depression and anxiety, so I suffer in silence.

I really feel like I need to go on some meds or I will ruin this relationship. My therapist says I should stay and work on this instead of leaving and running into the same issue with the next guy. She is also reluctant about medications. I am going crazy though. I am starting to feel that perhaps I was never depressed (as my GP diagnosed), but suffer anxiety. What do you think? Does anyone think that Lexapro would be more effective for me?

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

[cj29]

Meds are really a personal issue for many people.  For me, I have been off and on SSRIs like Celexa and Lexapro.  I have gone for years without anything, and have decided to go back on from time to time.  It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders in my opinion.  You are very proactive and seek counseling for your problems.  In my experience, this is a great combination.

I know that I am being very ambiguous here, but there are pros and cons for choosing any path that you go down.  And remember, therapy is never easy when we are going through it:).  

With your relationship, would he ever consider counseling?  As you can probably tell, I am fairly big fan of talking things out.  Initially, I was against all forms of meds and therapy, but I find both very valuable tools in dealing with issues.  Heck, I have been married for almost seven years and my wife and I make it a point just to go about once every three months even when things are going great....it is amazing what you can learn about yourself and about each other!

Keep us posted!

[stressed2Dmax]

I will have to get something if this thing keeps going on. Seems the only thing that settles it is sleep. The minute I open my eyes, I feel the headache and stomachache, just awful. It was never this bad. How could I have mistaken anxiety for depression? I am sure I was at some point depressed, but for a short time. It was anxiety all along. I wish it would just go away, it's awful.

Doesn't help that he's not a talker. Perhaps he's not the one, and I will have to learn to live with that. I guess I am tired of looking and running into the same issues all the time. It's exhausting. But I do have to take care of myself, and that might involve finding someone who is compassionate and understanding. For now I will try and figure out what is triggering me, if the fears are real or a dysfunctional thought.

Thank you for responding, it feels good that someone understands.

[jdogclf]

I hope you could find something that you are passionate about that you can do on your own and find some fulfillment.  Is there anything you enjoy that you don't need someone else to be with to do?

[Paxiled]

Watch out for that Nyquil.  It's not safe to take regularly.  

[stressed2Dmax]

I now, Nyquil is not a good idea. I don't take it often, only when desperate. After the episode yesterday (3 days of headache, anxiety and trembling), I finally took an Ativan from a friend. This settled everything, almost immediately (must be a bit of a mental thing too). I feel like I have myself back again. I can think rationally. I also made an appointment with my GP for next week to talk about what I should do next.

As for passion, I am passionate about reading, exercise and my friends. Unfortunately, when anxiety and restlessness sets in, I am not myself. It's like I've been possessed by the devil. I can't find anything that keeps my attention, but I can't sit still. I am not a good friend as I cannot listen; my mind is running a hundred miles per hour. Just terrible.  

Thanks for the advice guys. I wish we didn’t have such a stigma about anxiety in our society. I feel people automatically assume we are crazy. It would be easier if I could talk about it more openly.

BTW, do you watch Obsessed on A&E? I love that show. I finally made my mom watch it last night as she has difficulty understanding why I cant just shake it off.

[jdogclf]

I haven't watched it yet I want to.   I should be on that show lol.  I guess we all could be haha.  You sound like you are doing better.  Stay positive.  This is a good support site with people who know what you are going through.  My poor gf has to deal with me I can't imagine what that is like..it can't be easy.     And you are right about the stigma but it is getting better...the way I explain it sometimes is some people have problems with their hearts, livers, kidneys ...brains are no different.  We have to take care of them too and sometimes with Meds.  Have a good week.

[Suboxer]

Benzodiazepines.*

*used as needed in moderation, will even that 'panic' you feel right out and make you much less worried about the perceived 'separation' from your man.

All relationships, even the best, lose the intimate 'closeness' they possess for the first few weeks or months, where all time is spent together, etc. Not many people will live that long attached to someone at the hip. Eventually people 'go their own way' and come together less often, the longer the relationship persists. You can jump from relationship to relationship, as soon as the uber-passionate stage ends, but that will get you nowhere. As you probably understand, your panic when a man starts 'separating' is most likely interpreted by the man as YOU become anxious and uneasy with THE RELATIONSHIP - the man likely thinks YOU are pulling away, and in a sense you are, setting up a vicious feedback cycle ("the downward spiral").

You must be close enough to discuss your anxieties and depression with your partner, or this has no chance of working - if you are not that close, your relationship is purely sexual and social - not intimate. He will never know the reason for your apparent panic and it will appear you 'want out' to the man until you discuss your internal reasons for acting the way you do. A relationship where you cannot share your most intimate feelings is, IMO, either purely sexual or a relationship of convenience -  not a romantic, intimate relationship.

Benzos are a temporary solution, in summary:

YOU MUST DISCUSS HOW YOU FEEL WITH YOUR PARTNER, OR THE RELATIONSHIP WILL NOT WORK.

I am not a medical doctor, and I do not give medical advice. Everything I write is borne of experience. Always discuss all relevant statements with a qualified professional before acting upon them /disclaimer.

[stressed2Dmax]

Thank you all for responding. We have only been together for 3 months, and I guess we haven't really had the romantic phase just yet. He was diagnosed with a chronic illness last year, which is what brought us together in the first place. I have always been fond of him, and when he suggested dating, I was happy. Soon I started to realize that the relationship is all about him and his illness, and now I am becoming resentful. He says that we need to wait and see what happens, as the situation is very difficult right now. On the other hand, we have talked about having a baby and buying a home. I am starting to have feelings for him, but his uncertainty is throwing me into panic. I just don't like not knowing where I stand. Is it fair to ask anything of him right now? Should I just be a good girlfriend and support him until his thing sorts out. I really don't know what to do. I can't help but wonder if he's using me to pass the time, until he's better (or is this crazy anxiety talking?). He insists that he wants to be with me, but I need more from him. My therapist says I should stay and work on it. Am I way in over my head? How did I get myself in this mess ....... help!