Tonight is going to be tough. Here we go again.

[OtherwiseIntact]

Hello, all. After months of zero panic-level anxiousness (ie floating/pit-of-stomach/dissasociated feelings) and only very occasional "buzzy" feelings (ie persistent underlying anxiousness/need to get away), my anxiety has, over the last few days started to flare up again. Today I have spun myself into a panic-level suffering (although I've not yet had a full panic attack). I have not taken any meds (I am cleared to take them, I just haven't decided to take that step) and ran out of my emergency supply of Ativan long ago. The relevant aspects of my situation are as follows - I am a month away from turning 40 and am very very satisfied with my life in many respects. Financially, relationship with my wife, everything really has gone very well for us - particularly recently. In fact, it has occurred to me that we have had so many successes that a "shoe may be about to drop" - no doubt that is my severe anxiety talking to me. My biggest fear relates to my health as I lost my father to an incredibly rare form of cancer when he was 51. But he was diagnosed at 43. Without getting too graphic about it, the nature of his cancer was in his sacrum. I have developed some soreness in my rear end lately after sitting for long periods (and occasionally have a sore lower back). I also think I may have a hemorrhoid (I don't know - never had one - but when I touch it it gets sore). No other symptoms - no changes in any function, no bleeding, no pain, swelling. The other day I had a fairly difficult meeting at work that made me "buzzy" and now, a few days later I am full on anxious and my brain is fixating on my rear end. So of course, I googled it (always a bad move) and now my brain is telling me tonight that I have a huge undiscovered tumor in my body and I'm doomed because the symptoms for this type of cancer are soreness from siting and lower back pain. Its so predictable. Now I am sitting here, nauseous, in a cold sweat, fixating on all of the symptoms that I may or may not have that are consistent with this cancer and I have already lined up a local Colon/Rectal surgeon that I am going to call first thing in the morning (to see if I can get in for an exam - which will likely require a needle which is my second biggest/phobia-level fear). My anxiety is taking me through all doomsday worst case scenarios an playing the movies of my doomed future in my head (including coming back here and later posting that it WAS a tumor!) and its just horrific. My poor beautiful wife doesn't know what to do for me. I mostly just wanted to type this out to share my experience and also to see if typing it out would help me feel differently. My brain has served me so well in so many ways but this is a terrible thing to suffer from. Any ideas/perspectives?

[lolly1011]

My anxiety is through the roof.....   Any advice on how to calm it down?   I went to docs yesterday..... And she said all is good that I just hurt my leg somehow...... And to baby it.... Ex.... But I am thinking I must have bad circulation in my leg.... And that it's a start of ms......   Help!

[OtherwiseIntact]

Quick update. I talked my way in to see a surgeon yesterday, powered through the exam, and all is well. He is recommending a follow-up colonoscopy just for my own piece of mind, given my family history, but is 99% sure I'm fine. Very difficult 12 hours of panic-level anxiety. Another example of my anxiety taking me to the darkest possible place (I already had myself dead and buried and my wife remarried)....and being wrong. If you are reading this, and are panicking, let this story illustrate how the anxiety can be wrong. cheers, all.

[ThePinkFloyd]

I also understand you.I have fears of my own too.For me it started 6 months ago and still going.I never took any medication but maby in the feature I will because this is not a way to live.I don't get out of the house,I don't eat,I have dipression for sure and I have stoped my life waiting...for what? For a storm that may never come.My worst fear is that someday the storm will come and I will ''wake up'' and realised that there are no more lies,that I have actually something.I fear that I am going to breake.You are lucky to have a wonderfull family to support you.You should not search google,it's the worst thing that you can do.Try not to think about it go see a doctor if that is what will give you peace of mind.I totally understand what you mean by fearing that you will come back here and write about your tumor.I thaought I was going to do this many times in the past...5 in number...everytime I was in the clear.I really hope that you will work it out and go on with your life.But remember,just because you think it's cancer...it certainly doesen't mean that it is!If it helps you...I have hemoroids...and yes sometimes when I touch the spot it hurts.And I do have some pains down there...neurological type...like its coming from the inside and its due to the hemoroids.Stay safe.

[lolly1011]

Oh I feel your pain!   I am up in a full blown panic attack!   Legs won't stop shaking,.....    I have convinced myself that I have a blood clot!   I was moving some chairs and equipment two weeks ago.....  And then the next day. My leg started hurting.   Maybe pulling a muscle?    I talked to the doc over the phone and they said it sounds like pulled muscle.      I also feel bad for my husband, who doesn't quite know what anxiety is......     I hate this!   I am hear if you need to talk!   ( about anxiety ).