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Urgent PLEASE! It's quick question...
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Urgent PLEASE! It's quick question...

Hello,
About 7 years ago, my dad left my mom and my siblings and I. We thought he was kidnapped/dead. Police couldn't find anthing on him for like 9 months. Then one day he calls his mother (my grandma) that he is guilty of something. Which was him cheating on my mom. He hung up and a year later he calls my mom asking if he could come back. Which she did... it was really akward, and to be honest, when I think about it I become depressed. So he was gone for a total of 2 years of my preteen years.
    
    It seems like now (today) the same situation is happening again... my mom found some cell phone that she has never seen before, and ask where he got it, he replied angrily that he found it. They got in a huge argument, and ended up dropping my mom and my sis and some store with no ride back home... now we beginning to feel like he's cheating again, but we don't know? We don't know where he's at, and don't know what we should do if he comes back. What do you think of this?Since my parents got back together all they do was ever fight, they don't even sleep in the same bed anymore since that incident 7 years ago, or kiss. I wish they would get a divorce I know that sounds messed up, but I think everyone would be better off. I'm 20 now btw. I'm depressed/stress and angry... Thank you!
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480448_tn?1403547723
I agree 100% with SM.

Sounds to me like your parents (or one of them) very much involved you and your siblings in this mess, and now that there is new drama, you're right back in the middle of the chaos, and it's triggering that anxiety you felt as a child..

Make it VERY clear to both parents that you do NOT want involved in this.  This is for THEM to sort through, they shouldn't be giving you play by plays, or asking your advice, nothing...just being supportive that this triggers some rough feelings for you based on what happened before.  I can only imagine how terrible that was as a child to go through!

Even though some parents love their children to pieces, that doesn't mean they always make the right decisions or act in the way that they should.  NONE of that is a child's fault and none of this is your fault.  

Unfortunately, I think BOTH of your parents have acted very selfishly when they were engaged in all of this drama, and neither really took a step back to examine what this was doing to the children.  I feel it is just reprehensible for a father to "disappear" with no communication, allowing his children to worry about him lying dead somewhere.  That is just awful, and I would imagine you probably have a lot of resentment towards him about that.  Have you ever had a discussion with your dad about that?  Has he ever sincerely apologized to you for what he did?  Did you guys go to family counselling when he returned?  

If "no" is the answer to most of those questions, then you probably are just left with so many unresolved feelings toward your dad.  By the same token, you probably also have a good bit of resentment towards your mom too, both for taking him back (which I agree with you that she was crazy to do) and also for not better protecting your feelings in this whole mess.  That sound right?  You need some closure with both of those.  I think even just an acknowledgement to you that they did wrong by you will be a big step forward for you.  All of that doesn't have to happen with them right now, and it's probably not the right time, but after the smoke clears, I would pursue that avenue with them to take care of the emotional baggage that is unresolved.

I think therapy is VERY important for you, without a doubt, and if you can convince them, I would suggest family therapy as well, as it would be helpful for a therapist to mediate some discussion between all of you about how you feel, even after all of this time.

The GREAT news is, while you're still pretty young, you're an adult and can take your life in ANY direction you choose.  I agree with SM that your focus should be solely on diving into your life, school, work, friends...and moving towards being on your own.  Cultivate your independence, and turn away from THEIR problems...not THEM, but their drama.  I think the sooner you can be out of that environment, the better.  

I also am a firm believer that children often learn from their parent's mistakes (at least some of the time).  I would bet you'll be a fantastic parent when the day comes.  Just be sure to stay in therapy as long as it takes for you to get a sense of peace about all of this, past and present.  You may be in therapy for YEARS, and if so, that's perfectly fine.  

I go twice a month and have for a good long while, and I actually look forward to it.  It keeps me grounded, and as much as I think I know some days about anxiety, depression and the like, I'm constantly learning new things, which empowers me.

Very best to you, please keep in touch!
12 Comments Post a Comment
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5154541_tn?1366812291
PLEASE!
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Avatar_m_tn
Hi melmel4ever:  I am a dad of three daughters have had long talks with them about why their mom and i had to part ways. First thing was that they had nothing whatsoever to do with that. And that they weren't responsible to "put us back together". I don't hear that your dad talked much with you (if any at all) all those years. And for those years it seems your family (mom sis you and any one else?) did ok without him around. It sounds like  the situation is better  with him gone .
     Listen: it is not "messed up" at all for you to say " I wish they would get a divorce I know that sounds messed up, but I think everyone would be better off. " because that sounds to me to be the truth.
     It is hard for you because  you love your dad---and you probably will no matter what. I am not saying you like him or ever "have to" love him. But sometimes there is inner conflict when this happens---causing you stress about how you feel. Please talk this over with someone not a family member or involved---unless one of them is your friend that yoiu trust--even mom or a g'ma if that works. Usually an outside counselor works well and fairly quickly. You would be surprised how common this is. Common but a tragedy for every family it happens to.
     Concentrate on your own life and you and your sis hang together---and your mom if that is working.
     I have gone too long and there are women and moms on here who can help you much more than i can. Just a "good dad" perspective. And yes "good dads" get divorces. Unfortunate---but in some cases a more healthy choice for the family----especially the kids. (who---remember--have nothing at all to do with why it happened)   OK?  So sorry hon   omhome
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5154541_tn?1366812291
Thank you so much, an answer that seems right, thank you that makes me feel a lot better. Since I left my family I go therapy once a month so that situation my psychiatrist will be able to help me with. Thank you again so much!
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Avatar_m_tn
thanks hon and please stay tuned to this community for some help from others who i am sure have experience and knowledge to share that will be of some comfort. Remember this is between your mom and dad to "fix" (not the right word). Remember it doesn't have to be true of the man (or woman) you marry or have a significant relationship with that "they leave". And remember that it will be affecting you until you process it. And i love it that you already have that appt. made!   good luck young woman     omhome
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hi there.  Ya know, relationships can be hard.  Some can be destructive and messy.  Your parents have chosen this path for themselves.  Do your very very best to stay uninvolved.  If either try to drag you in, tell them that they need to work this out.  "we" don't know if he is cheating should really be your mom doesn't know.  At 20, you are pretty much an adult and I'm sure you have a goal of being independent of your parents.  Throw yourself into that.  Sounds like you're not living with them which is great.  And a therapist appt. is wonderful.  Not so much to figure out your parents problems but to talk about how their issues over the years affect you now.  

One thing that can come out of parents who are volatile, undependable, troubled in their relationships is a fear of our own relationship.  OR, we can use that knowledge of what our parents did to NEVER create the same situation for ourselves.  This is very empowering.  Your parents have given you an example of what YOU don't want.  Good thing to talk about with your counselor.  Sometimes we fall into the patterns our parents have in our own relationships but awareness is the key to that and stopping it.

Lots of luck dear.  

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480448_tn?1403547723
I agree 100% with SM.

Sounds to me like your parents (or one of them) very much involved you and your siblings in this mess, and now that there is new drama, you're right back in the middle of the chaos, and it's triggering that anxiety you felt as a child..

Make it VERY clear to both parents that you do NOT want involved in this.  This is for THEM to sort through, they shouldn't be giving you play by plays, or asking your advice, nothing...just being supportive that this triggers some rough feelings for you based on what happened before.  I can only imagine how terrible that was as a child to go through!

Even though some parents love their children to pieces, that doesn't mean they always make the right decisions or act in the way that they should.  NONE of that is a child's fault and none of this is your fault.  

Unfortunately, I think BOTH of your parents have acted very selfishly when they were engaged in all of this drama, and neither really took a step back to examine what this was doing to the children.  I feel it is just reprehensible for a father to "disappear" with no communication, allowing his children to worry about him lying dead somewhere.  That is just awful, and I would imagine you probably have a lot of resentment towards him about that.  Have you ever had a discussion with your dad about that?  Has he ever sincerely apologized to you for what he did?  Did you guys go to family counselling when he returned?  

If "no" is the answer to most of those questions, then you probably are just left with so many unresolved feelings toward your dad.  By the same token, you probably also have a good bit of resentment towards your mom too, both for taking him back (which I agree with you that she was crazy to do) and also for not better protecting your feelings in this whole mess.  That sound right?  You need some closure with both of those.  I think even just an acknowledgement to you that they did wrong by you will be a big step forward for you.  All of that doesn't have to happen with them right now, and it's probably not the right time, but after the smoke clears, I would pursue that avenue with them to take care of the emotional baggage that is unresolved.

I think therapy is VERY important for you, without a doubt, and if you can convince them, I would suggest family therapy as well, as it would be helpful for a therapist to mediate some discussion between all of you about how you feel, even after all of this time.

The GREAT news is, while you're still pretty young, you're an adult and can take your life in ANY direction you choose.  I agree with SM that your focus should be solely on diving into your life, school, work, friends...and moving towards being on your own.  Cultivate your independence, and turn away from THEIR problems...not THEM, but their drama.  I think the sooner you can be out of that environment, the better.  

I also am a firm believer that children often learn from their parent's mistakes (at least some of the time).  I would bet you'll be a fantastic parent when the day comes.  Just be sure to stay in therapy as long as it takes for you to get a sense of peace about all of this, past and present.  You may be in therapy for YEARS, and if so, that's perfectly fine.  

I go twice a month and have for a good long while, and I actually look forward to it.  It keeps me grounded, and as much as I think I know some days about anxiety, depression and the like, I'm constantly learning new things, which empowers me.

Very best to you, please keep in touch!
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Avatar_m_tn
hey hon:  told ya you would get some good responses that would help. I shoulda said Great!  You will be just fine.       omhome
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5154541_tn?1366812291
Yes, that's what I have planned since I left two years ago, sometimes it's hard to stay out off their buisness because they are ur family and I love them. But before this incident (today) my therapist suggest NOT seeing my family for awhile specifically my father. Thank you for the input seriously it makes me feel a lot better. Actually all these people who answered me. THANK YOU!
Since I've been out of the house I've notice my depression and anxiety/OCD has lssoned greatly, but also doing therapy as well. I TOTALLY agree with that awareness thing so true! Thank you again!
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5154541_tn?1366812291
Yeah I know I probably shouldn't get involve, I actually told my mom just now that she needs to work this out with my father. I just suggested to her probably divorcing him would make us all a lot better. My mother depends on my father a lot. She doesn't drive, and she doesn't have any high school diploma, works as a dish cleaning person, and she is Spanish decent, but she is legal here btw. So that is why she mainly wants him to be here. But what she doesn't realize is that she also hurting the family by having him here. My father has no job, and does nothing to contribute to the family except drive her and my sister around to places for things that are essential.

And no to all the questions, he talked to us on the phone the first time it happened and told me he was coming back, It was really awkward and to be honest I did and still resent him for what he has done all this time, and my mother also. But mostly my father. When this first happened my mother had to get a bus everyday to her job, and after work she had to go to her other job walking distance, but after awhile she ended up having three jobs, trying to help the family. I always wanted to help with like getting a job but I was like a 11. It was hard. But therapy that I started a year ago has helped.

YES, I'm an adult which is great! I go to school currently college. And I plan to stick through it! Thank you for the parent compliment that brought a tear to my mind seriously! No one has ever said that to me before thank you!

I'm glad to hear your in therapy! It does make things better I must admit. And best to you too!
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5154541_tn?1366812291
HAHA yes that is very true LOL!!!
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480448_tn?1403547723
Well, you sound like a wonderfully insightful young lady, and I think you've got a much better handle on things than you give yourself credit for.  Sounds like you're doing just fine.  Keep your focus on school and other interests.  Let them worry about their issues.  It hurt you deeply the first time, and it doesn't have to this time again.  
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5154541_tn?1366812291
Thank you very much.
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