What is wrong with me? How do I sort my head out and take control of my life?

[SillyMooXx]

I am a 19-year old girl and I have been through a lot of rejection in my life and it has left me utterly traumatised. I was bullied so badly at school that I dropped out when I was just 15-years old and I never even got to sit my GCSEs. When I was 15 my 40-year old half-brother used to have sex with me and my mum told me to tell the police that he raped me, which I did. The following day I dropped the charges and I haven't seen him since. Even though my half-brother treated me less than the dust on the Earth I still love him, I am obsessed with him and I think about him everyday and I am utterly heartbroken. Then last year, I ended up getting bullied on Facebook by my half-brother's in-laws (they're aware that we fell out but they don't know that he used to have sex with me at 15). They would call me fat, ugly, a ****, a tosser and I don't forget any of them words. I believe them. I think about them everyday and I don't think that I can ever forget them. Because I dropped out of school so young I lost the very few friends that I did have as I developed social anxiety, obviously because of the bullying.

The anxiety, flashbacks, panic attacks and painful memories of all that I've been through have affected me so much that I even dropped out of my College course earlier this year because no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't concentrate and do the work properly there.
My course was Level 1 in Catering. I had dreams of becoming a chef but I didn't enjoy the course at all and I thought that this might be because catering wasn't for me but I know that even if I were doing a Hairdressing course, Beauty therapy course, etc. I still wouldn't concentrate and focus properly because of the horrible flashbacks that I keep experiencing everyday. How do I make them go away?

My tutor told me that she thought that I wasn't ready for any course. She told me that I had to sort my head out before I could start any College course and reach for any qualifications.

She told me that I should go home and write down in a notepad when I was happy and what happened to trigger my unhappiness. She said that there's demons inside me and there is! I have done this, I know what has triggered my unhappiness but it doesn't stop me from feeling unhappy. I understand why I am unhappy, I know what is triggering it but it makes no difference at all. I am so lonely, confused, lost, hopeless, helpless and scared. I'm a nervous wreck. I let everyone walk all over me because the bullying completely wrecked my confidence and self-esteem. I believe every word that they said about me. What do I do? :(

I have just come off anti-depressants (I was on 20mg Citilopram, for 3 and a half months) and I have just started taking 5HTP (400mg daily, one 200mg capsule in the morning and one just before bed). I have only started taking the 5HTP for two days and I can't really say if they're working or if they're better than the anti-depressants. The anti-depressants did work but I don't want to be on anti-depressants all my life and they made me gain weight and become very lazy and unmotivated. I would rather try herbals because they are healthier and have less side effects so I really want to persist with these.

What about St John's Wort? Do they work? Are they good? Can I take them with 5HTP and if so what is the best brand? I know I could do with therapy but it costs a lot of money and I am currently unemployed and my head is so messed up at the moment that I don't think that I am able to even work. I just wish that my head was completely sorted and that I was happy inside so that I can carry out daily tasks, cope with whatever obstacles and challenges may come my way, set my goals and reach for their achievement everyday.

Everyday is like a survival. I don't even feel like I am living a life. I feel like I am living in a prison, not just when I'm alone crying in my room but also when I am out, going to the cinema and shopping with my best friend, etc. There's no light or happiness inside me at all. I want to take control of my life and my future. How do I take back control?

[omhome]

imagine it is just a movie flashing across that "inner screen" of the mind. It sounds like you can sorta "view" them from that "tranquil and relaxed" home-base. You are gonna be so strong and centered as you meet this challenge and as you work with that "top" therapist. And use that intelligence---get busy with some more learning---that will help with some of the restlessness---some of the crankiness.
     Strong and brave? That SillyMoo...is a winning combination. Now! Don't sit around and over-think this.....activate brain and body---try something new----learn something new.....and be nice to SillyMooo---yep--that's you. I am silly too ya know. Nothing wrong with silly.

omgoofy

[SillyMooXx]

Hi omhome.
I'm a bit upset today. I feel very edgy and cranky. I don't know what it is. I just feel strange, depressed and sobby.
And thanks for the advice. Thank you, when I did go to school I was a geek, which made me an obvious easy target for bullies but now, looking back I shouldn't have let them assholes ruin my education (excuse my French)!
I'm still looking for a top Therapist to get me through. I am determined to get better. I just gotta be strong. I am gonna be brave!  
Today I feel upset, lonely, lost and I feel like a ticking time bomb. My mind keeps racing. Terrible painful horrible memories and flashbacks keep resurfacing and it's so hard to just let them pass.
I'm gonna be strong and hang in there though. I know I can get through this. I think that as long as you're brave in life you can do anything and you can get through anything!
I have been taking the 5HTP since Saturday and
although I have felt upset, worried and anxious today, I overall have been feeling tranquil and relaxed. However, it's just the painful memories and flashbacks that keep bringing me down and I recognise this now.

[omhome]

how are things  for u today sillymoo? doing a little better i hope. post in and say hi.    omhello

[omhome]

hello sillymoo------let me say this first:  You write and express yourself  at the level of at least a college freshman (if not graduate).....that is a rarity these days and it is a good indication of  your intelligence....of your maturity....of your ability to focus and think logically about your situation. I have taught college level and gave up giving essay exams because it was  so depressing to read. As soon as  you get some help and have some tools to use you will do well at whatever you decide to major in. I would suggest you aim high.
     Unfortunately paxiled is right about the money. If you had it----you get a massage while you wait to see the dr.----at your convenience.  You are gonna have to keep trying until you find the right person and you will. Kind of like the non-inspiring teacher (catering?)----imagine if they had been awesome!  Counselors are the same---some good---some not so good---but something to learn from each. I would trust paxiled's help with the herbs if i were you and find some help and get back to school and start working on that PhD.   Or write a book! You can do it.  And yes i can tell by reading what you have written alone.......pretty obvious!   Now. Do it!

omhome

[Paxiled]

Somehow you have to get into regular therapy.  You've started the process, but it takes time to work it out and learn coping mechanisms.  Perhaps there are government programs you can get into, though I've found they're not the best therapists for chronic problems.  Unfortunately the world is set up for the wealthy.  As for the herbs, there's a question about taking HTP and St. John's Wort together because it's possible they work on the same neurotransmitters.  Nobody really knows for sure how St. John's Wort works for depression, so it's hard to say, but there is that caution.  But there are other herbs out there that can be used together with HTP.  If you were seeing a professional they would combine remedies to work on different parts of your physiology, probably adding, for example, something that is a systemic relaxant such as passionflower and something to balance your adrenals, such as ashwagandha.  Which ones to use depends on your particular symptoms and weaknesses, so it's hard to do by oneself if one doesn't know how to use these remedies.  There are also other amino acids along with HTP that can be helpful -- sometimes tyrosine, sometimes taurine, sometimes both -- and sometimes homeopathic remedies would be added.  What I would do is give the HTP time to work for now and buy a book called Natural Highs by Hyla Cass, a psychiatrist at UCLA, that's a very good but aging primer on how to combine these remedies and proper dosages.  But seeing a professional is a good idea, but again, expensive, and therapy is essential if you don't want to take meds your whole life.  Good luck.