What now?

[mikelava60302]

I'm 48. I've made many mistakes in my life that I deeply regret. I've never drank, smoked or used drugs. I am addicted to food, however. I'm almost 400 lbs. I've tried anti-depressants, but they made me feel worse. I grew up in a home where my dad drank to excess and often was too hung over to work. He injured his back (construction worker) and wasn't able to work again. He was only 40 or so. We struggled. College? Never knew the value of it. Mom worked very hard to keep us four kids fed. I'm the youngest. I'm the one that's had the hardest time finding a life for himself. I almost died at birth, along with mom. I had developmental difficulties growing up. I was told I barely ever spoke as a young child. I had a speech impediment. I found an outlet in junior high in music. I took to drumming like a fish to water. I always thought my future revolved around music somehow. Did the band things, etc. Now I do recording engineering. I've held so many 9 to 5 jobs I've lost count. I always ended up working a short time, getting bored, then quitting. Now my resume is a disaster and I can't find a job anymore. My music career is a dead end. I struggle to feed myself. I have been homeless twice. I feel like I'm just not meant for this world. I've failed at just about everything, I can't play the game of life like others do. It seems the bad people make the most progress in life. I can't be a bad person. I'm not selfish or self-centered like that. I was raised better. So here I am at 48, with no teeth due to a bizarre medication interaction back in 2005 where I lost all my tooth enamel, wondering what will happen to me now. I can't afford dentures. I look terrible. I am very self-conscious and don't smile anymore. Job interviews? How could I possibly face someone with no teeth? I'm very depressed about it. I feel like my life is pretty much over and the best years are behind me. My parents are both gone. I don't see my family except maybe once a year or two. I am the "loser" everyone talks about. Yet I still go on each day. Maybe a small part of me has hope. Maybe I'm just fooling myself. The hatred of people in this world and the killing ever day makes me sadder and sadder. I'm not religious, I consider myself Agnostic. All I have to look forward to is the pain ending someday. I'd never consider suicide, as that's an affront to my parents. So here I am, hopeless.

[remar]

Hi Mike. I'm so glad you're still posting here at Medhelp. It truly is a wonderful site. The people here are just wonderful and so caring.
You sound much better today!
Can you say what meds you've tried? The two I mentioned can be great for depression without the any weight gain. They are however a little stimulating and not much help if you have anxiety. That's been my experience with them anyway. I mentioned them because you're concerned about your weight. Some of the antidepressants can actually cause weight gain. Been there.
The above poster brings up a great point about therapy. Along with therapy and possible meds I think you will do so much better!
I'm surprised to hear that the dental schools in your area charge almost as much as a regular dentist. Usually, depending on your income, the cost will be next to nothing or even free. I do hope you can find a place soon that will work with you on the cost.
Keep posting. We're here to listen and support you.

[MYoungAtHeart]

You say that you tried antidepressants, but have you tried therapy along with the antidepressants.

If you live in the Chicago area, I am sure that if you do a search or call your Illinois Mental Health Association, they certainly can put you in touch with either a sliding scale therapy or a free group that meets with regular sessions.  

I am unsure of your area, but the free anonymous programs abound all over the world.  Alcoholics Anonymous has a toll free number and they might be able to send you a list of other anonymous programs meeting in your area.  There is also Narcon Anonymous, and Overeaters Anonymous where the peer help is the best on the planet.  I have investigated and attended many anonymous programs as either part of my own recovery and to be able to determine if I should mention them or not when replying to people, and have always come away with positive feelings towards these kind of groups.  

I really do hope you will look into some therapy help for yourself.  I too used to weigh 350 pounds and with therapy and consistent deep work
with the help of peer groups, personal therapists, journaling, and alot of leg traps along the way that helped me learn what works for me and what doesn't, I weigh 145 pounds and have held that healthy weight for more then 20 years now.

You can do it....I hope that we hear back from you and share a little of your recovery with us.....

M

[mikelava60302]

I wasn't expecting so many replies so quickly. Thanks everyone. I will look into the Shawnee Dental Center. I've been looking for free dentures here in Chicago since I moved here 3 years ago and have found nothing. The dental school is only marginally cheaper than a regular dentist.
I was in a real funk last night when I wrote my initial post. Some days everything just seems to pile itself on at once and I feel like I'm going to break under the pressure.
I made an appointment with my doctor for today to discuss the medication options mentioned by remar.
Maybe something to help me sleep too. I haven't had a full nights sleep in many years. My mind just won't shut off enough to let me rest.

Thanks again everybody.

[remar]

You've gotten some great advice. The people here at MH are so wonderful.
Look online to find dental schools in your area. And please check out the place the above poster gave you.
I admire you because I also love music. I tried the guitar because I thought it would be so easy to learn. I was so wrong! For me anyway. Get those drums back out and start playing again.
I'm going to recommend a couple of meds that are known to not make you gain weight. Wellbutrin and Cymbalta. I usually recommend seeing a counselor before starting meds but you sound so depressed that I think both may really help you.  If you did decide to give meds another try you would need to see a Psychiatrist.
We're here to listen and help anyway we can. You came here looking for help so there is no way you're ready to give up on yourself. You have so much to give and so much life ahead of you.

[4181steph]

hello
You are not a loser!! Please don't think that way, its not helping you...
I know what you mean about how sad it is to live in such a horrible world, but there are also a lot of compassionate
people out there too! I'm sad a lot too when I hear about animal abuse. I'm an animal welfare activist (non-paid) for now anyway. I get so angry. It sounds like you really like music! and that's good:)) Are there any free/sliding scale dental care where you live? The reason I asked is because when I was in rehab my roommate had the same problem, she needed dentures and didn't have any money, so she found out about this free denture place and I went with her. She did have to be put on a waiting list, but she got them rather quickly. Just a thought...are you near this place?

Shawnee Dental Center At Murphysboro
4 S. Hospital Dr.
Murphysboro, IL - 62966
619-684-2321

if not google and research all dental clinics in your area, ask about patient assistant programs!!!

Good luck & Best wishes:))))))))))
Stephanie

[Gretta96]

So sorry for what you are going through.  There's got to be a way to get some teeth.  (Govt assisted program, etc.). You seem to have a unique talent in music, you've got to go back and pursue that.

It's never too late, this could be your second act.
Don't give up.