Why can't I accept the fact that I did not get an

std from fingering a girl I met. Heres the deal. I am a married man that was talking to a married female and of course we met up a one time and just chatted away. The next time we meet, I ended up masturbating her with my finger. Well after that the gulit and worry rolls in my head along with the waht ifs. So I posted in the STD forum and tehy say no risk, so I researched the std fourm by the doctors, which they say you can not get an std or hiv from fingering ( hand to gential (genital) contact does not happen). I lost five pounds in the last 5 days. I still speak to her and she is going to get tested hopefully this week to help ease my mind and she has not been having sex with her husband or anyone else. The anxiety comes and goes in waves that last for hours. Now I do not want to go to the doctor yet to get some meds but what other coping ways do others use to help. I plan on finding a therapist to work things out and modifiy my behavior. If I know I did not catch anything then I can really foucs on not screwing it up anymore. I am tired of this.

[29sillygirl]

The guilt over an impulsive sexual encounter is causing you anxiety.  As anxiety is the disorder we discuss here, I will jump in with a few thoughts.

You sound like a man who is not into 'one night stands'.  Just got caught up in the moment.
Understandable.  Both of you unhappily married?  I have to assume here.

You have already been told an STD is not an issue.  Lets lay that worry aside.

I want to know what is going on in your marriage.  Are you staying or leaving?  You mentioned also that your friend has not had sex with her husband since your encounter.

Your anxiety has something to do with the state of your marriage.  The sexual incident just highlights this fact.   You may be struggling with the idea of getting an STD and getting caught.  Or, thinking you want to see your friend again.  Stress reliever for some: Guilt/anxiety producer  for you.

If we knew more about what your plans are for the future of your marriage, it would help.

A divorce would represent a major stressor and we would advise seeing a doctor as well as  therapy.   So, keep posting.  Maybe writing your worries down eases your mind.

[waterchild]

there is no way for you to get a std from that, and if you want to be reassured you can always get tested

[bottlewater]

Thank you responding to my post.

My marriage was bad due my part of it and I want to repair the damage that I have done. I want to stay married, she is a loving woman who would do anything for you. Me I feel like a total cad.

My marriage, we have two children, one son who is disabled, one daughter who is fine. I like being married I do, everything is good, we were finally having sex again and I am thrilled with that, she was not very sexual over the years but she has turned that around (thank you romance novels)  I feel that I am being self destructive that I od want to lose everything.  I want our marriage to work and I have been working on it. Now that I let this happen I feel that I can not look or touch my wife without fear. I am really hating the internet because I know it adds fuel to the fire. I am a man that does not want confrontation at all and will do anything to avoid it. I rarely show my anger when I am mad at my wife. I love my family and do not anymore hardships on us. If I told her now it would be devasting to her that is what has me so out of it and distant. I want to hold her and love her the way she needs to be.

I do not plan I seeing her again at all. This is it. she is going to do std testing. She has only been with her husband and they have not had any sex for over a month, she masturbates and that it. We talked for quite sometime and I know this.

Yeah I know fingering a woman vagina is not a risk for stds but my brain says different right now. Testing well that is about three months away if I wanted to test.

[bottlewater]

I would like to know what nursegirl has to say about my plight? Well let see, it does help to talk things out like there was no exchange of body fluids, hers did not get into me just on clean unbroken skin, no tears, sores or cuts on the hands at all. I just masturbated her with my fingers, did not touch my nose, lips, eyes, penis or the other mucus membranes so no worries right? How to go about life without worry. I feel terrible and guilty, like I should be guilty of a crime, expecting some form of punishment. My marriage was on the upswing. Any help would be great here. Should I use the journal for writing my thoughts? I am not sure what is proper here.

Is there like a chat forum that I could use. I used exercise today to work out some of the anxiety.  

[greenlydia]

If I didn't have to leave for work at the hospital or if nursegirl is still on shift at HER medical facility, one of us will write to you with some FACTS that will stop you from freaking out about STDS. Coping with your guilt and shame, well, many others here can talk to you about those issues, as some already have.

Start a journal here if you think it would help you to share what you did and how you feel about it. There is no "proper" process here.

We are here to help you get through this and we will...........for now, calm down. It's not the end of the world.

But whatever you do, don't tell your wife. That is MY opinion and mine only, but I see it as a means to end YOUR guilt and that seldom works. You still have the guilt (in most cases) and the added guilt of very possibly ending your marriage.

Just hang tight and we'll talk. It's gonna be OK.
Peace
Greenlydia

    

[bottlewater]

Thank you for your support,

Telling my wife no I do not want to disapponit her again. Freaked out a little, I try to read more and more when I can. Yeah I am hanging in there, guilt oh you bet, end my marriage no I do not want that.


I find it hard to write at times, when to start, how much should I put out there and the like. I am disappointed in myself. Anxiety has played a big part of my life and I see it in my daughter which I want to try and change or give her some ways to overcome it. I am a proud father but a bad husband which I have been trying to change. See I am a guy who works full time comes home and take care of the kids so my wife can go out and do whatever so she gets a break. I do the dishes, the laundry, the housework too. We have always believed in 50/50 parenting so she is the stay at home mom. Funny I do the inside and she likes to snow shovel or cut the grass.

Sex has been a big issue that I was uncomfortable talking to her about- You wonder how can a guy be uncomfortable talking about his sex life with his wife? That's me. I know weveryone has there hang-ups or issues this is mine, not a good one mind you.

Well off the work I go.

[bottlewater]

excuse me for my sentence writing from the previous post - yikes seems like I better re-enroll in english class.

Shame and guilt are not good feelings. Sure I feel lucky that it was just masturbating her and did not get to another level. I spoke to her last night to see how she is feeling and she when her appt. is. She goes in on friday to her yearly and is adding the std test too, so next week sometime she will get the results. Today is a gloomy day here so its a little tough to be upbeat and perky. Well I guess if greenlydia and nursegirl gives me some facts about STD could you please pass along window periods for std are. I get my yearly exam in December and I do have him give an std screem plus, HIV, HEP,A,B,C and Herpes too and all have come back neg.

Time for lunch

[bottlewater]

hmmm I am talking to myself here? Seems like I am.

[mammo]

No, you're not talking to yourself, you've requested that nursegirl respond to you and she will.  She works, and will jump on as soon as she can, just be patient.  We're all just lay people with jobs and families, so sometimes it can take awhile for someone to get on the forum.  But she is very caring and as soon as she sees your post, she will respond...I promise.  Take care...

[bottlewater]

I know people got to work and have a life outside of this place. I never expect an immediate response, by the way thank you for reading and posting. I know that typing and talking about it and going over it in my head keeps me from going off the edge. Its hard to act like everything is okay and supposed to go on but maybe I should just chalk it up as a life learning experience. Thank you again.  

[MrGreen]

I would see it as a learning experience. I would also see it as a lucky escape. Except the facts about STDs and that you are in no danger and don't make the same mistake a second time. You got a big fright about the whole thing. We all learn from our mistakes. We are not judging you at all. What you done, you done. That is your life to do what you want with it. We don't deal in relationship sort of advice here. I think you know you did wrong. We don't have to tell you that. You're a mature person. The others will give you an answer in time. We all know that nurses like to pretend that they work hard. * Winks *

[bottlewater]

Thank you MRGreen, Are you saying that I should accept the facts about STD and that I am in no danger. No I do not anymore "slip-ups" Thank you for not judging me, your what done is done and need to move on, (I hope) time suppose to heal right, is there an express lane for time - I guess not. I am working on being more focus on my family then sitting here down in the dumps. Thanks Mr.Green.

[bottlewater]

I feel I can't handle the stress anymore and feel like I am about to burst open. So should I worry about stds or not? Everything say no risk here and I really don't think the doc would steer you wrong they are the experts. I guess that my guilt is fueling my aniexty this evening and my wife is not feeling well either. ugh.

[bottlewater]

Sorry about last post it just gets to me sometimes and it hard to keep it under control. We have a big weekend coming up too. Today is a new day and well see what happens.

[bottlewater]

Well I wait and wonder if anyone would like to post and talk. I am at work so my miind is gets a break for a while. I think Medhelp is the best site since the docs are on here, I am not sure what other site are good out there.

[mammo]

You can relax regarding an STD, and just concentrate on working on your marriage.  You mention that anxiety has played a big part in your life, have you ever addressed this?  If not it's a good place to start, especially with therapy.  It may help you with turning things around.  I do not think your wife needs to be told about this other woman, it would devestate her.  I know you are living with a lot of guilt, but make that guilt be what drives you to be a better husband and not repeat this.  Also, cut off all communication with this woman.  I am curious as to why you had your doctor check you for STD's in December?  Was this after the encounter?  Nobody is here to judge you, just learn from all this and move forward in a positive manner.  You can't change past behavior, but you can shape your future and be the husband your wife deserves.  Take care...

[bottlewater]

Thank you! No I just like to make sure of everything when I get my exam gives me piece of mind.  Yes my wife deserves a better husband indeed. Thank you again.

[29sillygirl]

Easy does it.  I think this event can be looked at in the long view as a good thing.  You escaped with no consequences beyond a mega dose of guilt.

The reason I believe the event, painful as it is for you to remember, is positive, is that you recognize you have a problem with anxiety.  That can be helped with therapy.
The main benefit is that you know you absolutely do love and need your wife and family.  You are not likely to jeopardize your marriage ever again.

Never tell your wife.  Never.  More information than she needs, as you have no std.

I'm hoping you will take this event which was a trigger for tons of anxiety, and  get help.
It would be great for the child who shows signs of anxiety as well.  So whole family benefits.  Try to calm yourself for your wife's sake.  And yours:).

[bottlewater]

Calm down yeah I am working on that. Yes I am going to get some help after the weekend I'll be calling the doctor and find a physc for sure. Thank you all for responding.

[bottlewater]

wondered if you were going to respond? I made appt with my doctor for tomorrow so well see how it goes. I am not in good shape at all today.

[MrGreen]

I guess she is giving the thread a miss. It can happen at times. Especially if they see that others are answering in the thread. If you wanted a direct answer from here and thought she had the right answers for you you could start a new thread and use her name in the title. That way she would know the post was for her.

At least you have appointment for you doctor. You can take things from there. It is all about what you tell him. I would suggest being honest. It is the only way he can help you fully. If you leave out parts you mightn't get the full help you need. Be as honest as you can with him. It will be hard. But think of it as making yourself better.

[mandylynn0621]

Have you tried privately messaging her? BTW The guilt is whats making you sick. It's almost like a subconscious way of punishing yourself and thinking you did something so horrible and think there is no way you are going to escape being punished. Trust me I know....I have never cheated, but know this paranoia very well.

[MrGreen]

I think you done the right thing by directing a post towards her. Private messages may not be wanted at all times. We have to respect others in that area. I am sure she will see your post and her name on it and give you and answer.

[mandylynn0621]

Yes, you are right MR Green I shouldnt have suggested that. I Just know I dont check all posts and she may not know he posted. We can all choose to ignore private messages as well. I know I have if needed.

[mandylynn0621]

Or maybe write a new post with the title being nursegirl?

[greenlydia]

While I appreciate your desire to speak with an RN, (nursegirl) about this issue, you must understand that we are not always available 24/7. We also have jobs and families and many other obligations. We are all volunteers here at MH and are under no obligation to hold regular "office hours." We try our best to respond as quickly as we can.
Until nursegirl returns and sees your post, and I cannot promise you that she will respond, you can always call your local HIV/AIDS/STD Hotline and get ALL your questions answered there immediately.
You have already gotten your answer though................IF all you did was masturbate this woman with your finger, you have absolutely NO RISK for ANY STDs. NONE.
The STD folks have reassured you about this, as have the STD doctors, as have we, as will the folks at the STD clinic.
What has been discussed here is that what is driving you NOW is your guilt and anxiety..............and for that it's been recommended you seek out therapy, which I wholeheartedly agree with.
No one here is judging you for what happened. We are all human and we all make mistakes. It sounds like you've learned, the hard way, from yours.........but now you need to learn how to accept what happned, why it happened, to forgive yourself and move on to make your marriage better and stronger so this will never happen again.
You said you have an appointment with your doctor today, which is a very good thing. Tell him/her EVERYTHING that happened during your sexual encounter no matter how embarrassing you may find it. They must have ALL the facts to be able to reassure you 100% that you had NO RISK. And when you leave, knowing you do not have any STDs, I also hope you carry away a referral to a therapist.
Peace
Greenlydia