angry, adult daughter

[angie1936]

don't know where to start, except i miss my 22 year old daughter. until recently, we had a very close relationship and shared so much. she is the youngest of three daughters. nine months ago, we lost one of our daughters to an accidental overdose. all three daughters suffered incest from their father about 15 years ago. a few weeks before my 25 year old daughter's overdose, the incest raised its head again in a seemingly innocent conversation between my 22 year old, her stepmother, father and stepsisters. this was followed by separation of her father and stepmother as well as dis-proportional guilt feelings over the separation. she felt responsible for his isolation and he leaned on both her and her recovered sister for support. the 25 year old began using again shortly thereafter...the 22 year old feels guilt over her sisters death. she was supportive of her sisters recovery but kept her at a distance and rejected her at times. this has resulted in seemingly unprovocated anger towards me. she has had isues with anger outbursts for the past 4-5 years, but rarely directed at her family. since her last break of communication with me, there doesn't seem to be any need or want on her part to go back to our previous closeness. she is a social worker, but will not go to therapy. my husband and i have been going for a little over a year due to our addicted daughter and have continued to make great progress in our relationship.

i feel very sad and depressed about this. i have mostly good days and with all we have been through, i am just recently understanding the need to CHOOSE not to suffer. my oldest daughter and i seem to have a decent relationship and communicate well. how DO i communicate with my youngest daughter? how do i stop missing her?

thank you

[ChristineMP]

I just saw your posts...I can relate to your post on two levels...1) I am an incest survivor and 2) my daughter was molested by her stepfather (he adopted her when she was 2 and was always her father, biology aside).

Something to keep in mind is that her anger at you is probably part of HER grief over the loss of her sister. Let her know you love her and are there for her when she is ready.

The other side is that since she was around 7 when she was molested, she will have to deal with processing it over and over again. Part of her will always be that 7 year old who doesn't (can't) understand why you didn't protect her and what she did to deserve what happened. Every time there is a major change in her life (birth, death, marriage, divorce, job change) it may come up again. As her mother, you are a convenient AND safe target while she processes what she needs to.

The fact that she identifies with her abuser makes it even more problematic (her guilt over the split between her father and stepmother is part of this identification...part of her may KNOW she didn't cause the abuse OR the consequences [I'm betting "daddy" didn't tell new wife about his past...and with three daughters of her own, I don't blame her for leaving]. Somewhere in her logical mind, you daughter, as a social worker, KNOWS that if her abuser is not being honest about his past and is in close proximity to new, potential victims, he is at very high risk of abusing her stepsisters [maybe her seemingly innocent "slip" was a subconscious way of protecting them)

She will ALWAYS carry guilt over what happened...no matter how much counseling she goes through or how much she KNOWS she wasn't to blame and didn't cause what happened. Right now the 7 year old in her is thinking not only did she cause daddy to molest her, she caused his marriage to break up AND her sister to overdose. Her blaming you is a way to protect herself while she works things through...after all, if mommy did her job, none of this would have happened...

I'm not saying you are to blame...I'm saying a 7 year old can't understand why her dad hurt her and mom didn't stop it (whether mom knew or not). Give her time and space and let her work through her grief...just let her know you are there.

Oh poor, poor "daddy" needs to STOP leaning on his adult victims. Molesters are SO good at guilt tripping and manipulating their victims...if there is a way to stop him from talking to her (without breaking any laws) I would definitely do what you can.

[angie1936]

btw, i had wanted to check both as "best answer." new to this and it wouldn't let me...boo

[angie1936]

thank you! this is reminding me a little of nar anon! i guess i just needed to hear from others, especially other loving, caring daughters. fortunately, she is a thousand miles away, literally, so i can keep from intruding in her life! i think, no, i KNOW the toughest thing is that it feels like i've lost 2 daughters, one right after the other. but the coolest thing is that there other young women out there who i have begun to have relationships with that were friends of my 25 yr old...i have all this love and hope and mothering that yearns to be shared. maybe this is the time to create somethng more with them if they are open to it.

angie

[angie1936]

wow, thank you so much. i really didn't expect any responses! so there are tears of relief to be comforted by others who could understand and help me see her side and what she may be feeling. i have emailed and sent a card, trying to keep it light hearted just to let her know i'm out there...
angie

[hmr1978]

I am so sorry for everything that is going on.  I am the oldest of 3 girls and since my father recently died, its the 3 of us and my mom.  I love my mother very much but no matter how much love is there, relationships of mothers & daughters are always tricky.  I would give her the space she needs while still letting her know you're there.  I'm sure as a mother you desire to do so much for her, which is great, but it can push her further from you.  If you can be patient your relationship can heal.  I went through something with my mother in my early 20s but time and distance turned out to be the greatest problem solver.  Good luck & don't lose hope.