hi im a 19 year old kid whos always been an obsessive thinker and had alot of anxiety my whole life...my thing is that i freak out right away and quick go online and believe anything i read and that makes it worse..
lately ive been dealing with what i think is HOCD (for those of you that have heard of it) or the fear of being/turning gay.
it popped up out of nowhere..about 2 weeks ago, up until then, i was living the most normal life..got into a good school have a beautiful girlfriend who i care for alot..all that jazz...but now every day is a nightmare. its constant questioning my sexuallity and analyzing every thought that comes into my head.. ive started with all the typical signs of hocd with the testing to see if i get arousal from gay porn and looking at women/men to see who i get aroused by...but now my anxiety and severe fear has switched to what i would have to deal with if all these thoughts about being gay were true..and that im just in denial..this frankly scares the crap outta me. i would have to break up with my girlfriend...who would be crushed...my friends would shun me...same with my family...and the thought of having to do that if all this were true is so scary...i really dont think that i am truly gay from my past..ive also heard that when youre gay youll just "know"...ive never had physical or emotional attraction to men at all over the course of my life and the thought of doing all the dating stuff with a guy, ornpassionately kissing a guy is just not right to me..but my head has got me so screwed up right now i dont know what to believe..someone please shed light on my situation!
I think since you are questioning if you are gay or not says that you are NOT gay. If you were truly gay you would "know" and the lifestyle would seem right to you. Does your girlfriend turn you on or are you consumed with lots of men when you are with her? I could be wrong, but I think you are just curious about the lifestysle & not gay. (just my opinion)
Hi there. Have you ever been officially diagnosed as having OCD? You mentioned being an obsessive thinker for quite a while. If you truly have OCD, then you probably already know that we move on from one issue ot the next. We get closure on an irrational thought either to just move right on to something else or back to a previous thought. HOCD sounds to me like just another irrational thought that you have latched on to.
The previous poster was right in that since you are fighting this thought, it is more than likely that you are not gay. Also you have run the whole gamut of worst case scenarios of what would happen to your life if you did turn out to be gay and they all scare you. Another sign of OCD and that you are more than likely not gay. Also just so you know, most people realize they are gay very early on in life...think elementary school.
What you have to do is stop testing yourself. The more you go on the internet, analyze your every thought when a guy is around, watch gay porn looking to see if you get aroused...these are all things that are perpetuating this irrational thought. You have to say STOP in your head when this thought pops up. Do it right away. Don't let the thought become a runaway train otherwise you will end up with that desperate feeling and start what-iffing and just spiral down in that never ending circle with no where to get off.
Since you sound as if you have been suffering for quite a while. If you have not seen a psychologist, then you really should. Have you been to someone before? I will post more after I get the answer to this question.
In the mean time, try to pick up the book The OCD Workbook: Your Guide to Breaking Free from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
Lastly, there is an OCD forum that you can join on MedHelp. There are plenty of posts on there regarding HOCD (I am the community leader for that forum). You may find comfort in reading some of them. Lastly, as an OCD sufferer myself, I have also had this thought. I wondered whether I was a lesbian and I was married at the time. It is a very common thought actually that people with OCD have especially the people that have the form where irrational thinking is the hallmark of the disorder for them.
Post again here...I will keep an out out or post on the OCD Forum.
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