back again after 20 years

[grandma188]

I suffered from anxiety attacks from my early twenties until almost 35 yrs old...I was on Valium for many years, which helped tremendously..At some point in my life I said to myself, I've had enough, and gradually weaned off the Valiums.  I also noticed that my body seemed to be changing as I grew older, so attributed a lot of the problem to chemical imbalances which made me more prone.  I haven't suffered from any bad anxiety for over twenty years until now.   My husband is due to have surgery, which we found out he needed a few months ago.  Since then I have been in a state of panic, which I can't seem to control.  It's worse in the morning, because I keep picturing the morning that I will get up to take him to the hospital.  He'll be in for about a week...We're 57 yrs old, and have three children and two grandchildren.  One of my children will be staying with me that week, however, I'm having separation anxiety over the fact that I won't have him home for a week.  All kinds of things are going thru my head, like I'm going to have an anxiety attack and he won't be there.  He has always had a way of making me feel better.  The surgery is in 5 more days, and I'm going nuts.  I had managed to calm myself down a few weeks ago, but then it hit again.  The doctor gave us Xanax about two months ago, mainly for my husband because he has very high blood pressure, and he's taking meds for that too.  The Xanas worked well, and since my attacks seemed to be early morning, I would tak .5 mg and feel pretty good all day.  Then I read about addiction and terrible withdrawels, so stopped taking them...I asked the dr for Valium since I had taken them many years ago, and really had no problem getting off them.  So I take two 2 mg in the morning and have been for a couple of weeks.  The Xanax I had taken for about two months, but it wasn't daily, only maybe two days a week.  My battle right now, is with a few days to surgery, and picturing myself freaking out the morning of the surgery, I want to make sure I take something, but am worried about getting hooked.  Deep inside I know that once this is over I will be very relieved, and probably won't need them.  The more I try not to take them, the worse my anxiety gets, because I feel I have nothing to help.  I try to just keep my thoughts on the day he comes home, but my mind is obsessing about awful things, and now I'm totally depressed as well, and feel as if I am going thru hell.  

[grandma188]

Thank so much for your support and prayers.  With only two days to go, I feel like I can't even live in my own skin anymore.  The valium does help, and I've been taking two 2 mg (4 mg)  in the morning  when I get up, because that's when it's the worst.  Must be something about relating to the morning I have to bring him to the hospital, but mornings are the worst.  I'm also having this fear that when I need them, they may not work.  I guess I'm a person that just worries about everything.  I'm afraid that on the day of surgery nothing will help..I have to stop thinking like that because knowing there is something to relieve this torture makes me feel better.  I keep telling myself that by next weekend, he'll be home and it will be a big relief.  I just hope this anxiety doesn't hang around now that I've woken it up after all these years.

[trouble10]

All my prayers are with you. I used to be an alpha personality until all this anxiety hit me like a mac truck and I am truly thankful for my husband. Not only does he support me since I've had to quit my job, but he tells me the truth when I'm not thinking properly and I know I can trust what he says. (Thank God I'm not a teenager. Can you imagine trying to lean on these little boys nowadays?)  I also know how you feel trying to hide how upset you are from him. I agree with all. I have never been in a hospital that they didn't let you say unless it was ICU. I even stay with my grandparents when they have to go. Of course I have to sleep in a chair, but it's better then waiting by the phone. I also agree with taking the Valium. Don't let this anxiety get out of control. Getting off any kind of med would be preferrable then trying to get your panic under control after it's run away with you. Again, all my prayers, love....

[tanns]

Anytime, anytime!!!  You too!!!

[grandma188]

IBarbara, it's so good to hear that someone else feels the same way...My husband and I met at 14 yrs old, and got married at 21...we're married 36 yrs, and he is always there for me.  My daughter has suffered as well with anxieties so she does understand what I'm going thru..I am definitely going to try to stay at the hospital at least for the first night..  God helps us get thru, however, I don't know what I'd do without my husband.  Right now I just have to try not to go crazy before the day of surgery.  I'll just take the Valium if I need it, and I'm sure I will.  Thank you so much for your kind words and support..it has really helped me today.  I'll keep you all posted.....Stephanie

[heartfluttersflyawayplz]

hi grandma , i knew how you feel my husband of 24 years is awesome and i so depend on him , i have anxiety now and than and i can always depend on him to be there and understand me , to hold me and calm me down hes my rock and not sure what i will do if he goes before me. i know the Bible says we should lean on him only and it scares me sometimes because am scare he will take dwane away from me because i lean on him more tham our lord but i try not to, i know God understands ,  its a scarey thing to go through this and i know you can get through it , you say your daughter going stay week with you , does she understand what stress and anxiety is and how it affects you ? i know my mom who lives with me goes through it and am there for her ,like she tries to be for me. i know that in the state of georgia its the law that one person can stay the night with your family, theycant stop you . everytime i stay in a hospital i do have a anxiety attack thank goodness for my ativan it gets me through the night if not for that i could not stay there .you and your husband are in my prayers let us know how hes doing and how your doing . Barbara

[Raine9]

Thank you for all your support.  :)

[grandma188]

I'm definitely going to take your advice.  I think I would feel much better..thanks again.  I wish they had double beds.

[tanns]

If he's not in ICU I can't imagine them not letting you stay.  If it was a child, the parent could stay.  I would stay.  If you do have an anxiety attack, you are in the hospital where the nurses should be more than capable of helping you through it.  And your husband is nearby, that could calm you just being there and knowing he's okay.  I was in the hospital almost two years ago, my husband COULD have stayed but since he isn't (really IS NOT) good in the hospital, he didn't.  It really shakes him up.  

I say, pack a blanket and your toothbrush and plan on staying.  

I wish you both luck and I hope things go well for you both!!
t.

[grandma188]

Well what start this was his blood pressure going 210/140 one night and I had to call an ambulance.  They kept him at the hospital overnight, and when I asked if I could stay, they told me no.  Now here's the other thing....I'm also afraid I might get an anxiety attack while I'm in the hospital with him...watching him after surgery and feeling that he is helpless and therefore can't help me.  I feel like a child.  I will ask them again though.  Maybe it was just the nurse on duty.  I think by evening he should be coherent, but I don't want to upset him, or show him I'm upset.  It's a difficult decision.  Thanks tanns

[grandma188]

Thanks so much Tara...You're post did make me feel better.  When the doctor first prescribed the Xanax is was .50 back in September.  At that point I wasn't taking them everyday, but maybe a few times a week, but I was concerned because I read somewhere that it shouldn't be taken for more than 8 weeks, but I'm thinking now that they probably mean 8 weeks taking higher doses daily.  Then I asked for a refill and he gave me Xanax .25 mg.  For a couple of weeks in between, when surgery was still further away, I really started to feel better and tried to think about the good things in life, and how everything is going to work out just fine...at that point I only needed the .25 in the morning, but not every morning.  Then last week, I went into full blown anxiety again. Then I asked my doctor to write me Valium instead, because I was starting to get nervous about continuing with Xanax, and I've been taking Valium 2-4mg in the morning all this week.  Part of my problem is the anxiety itself and then battling trying to not take something and obsessing and worrying about getting addicted, and feeling guilty about having to take anything.  The Xanax worked very well for me and I still have them in the closet, just in case I run out of the Valium.  Maybe if I stopped worrying about taking a pill to relieve the anxiety, I'd feel better.  I'm torturing myself with the symptoms and then torturing myself again about medicine that can help me now.  I'm also waking up at 4:00 in the morning every morning, experiencing the day I have to bring him to the hospital.  I'm totally exhausted from all of this, and now I even feel guilty because my husband is the one having the surgery, and I'm the one acting out and needing comfort.  Thanks again Tara, I really appreciate your response..

[tanns]

Would it be possible to stay in the hospital with him?  I'd demand it!

[tostressed]

I think that what you are feeling is completely normal. You are just scared and your anxiety is through the roof. Even though you have not had anxiety for 20 years, I think that you always carry it with you. It's scary to think that the person that you love is going into the hospital to have surgery. I felt the same way when my husband went in to get teeth pulled and other stuff. (to much to get into). I was so scared and my anxiety was making me crazy and depressed.
I take xanax .25 on as as needed basis. When My anxiety was bad I did take 2-3 a week and never got hooked. My dosage was lower though. .50 really is not high either. Now I take 2-3 amonth if that for my anxiety. I only take it if I am having a really bad day.
I think your right, that once your husband is back home and okay you will be too. Take care.

Tara

[grandma188]

Anyone have any suggestions???