can someone help me... please... help

i feel like i am losing my mind. is this forum supposed to discuss how to deal with anxiety?

[JSGeare]

Yes -you are in your right mind about that. What's up?

[citan]

This is going to be a long post, but it has been two months for me now. I think I am a hypochondriac. I made a mistake and had sex with a commercial sex worker in January. I was freaked out about herpes for like a week and didn't even have an appetite and had bad bowel movements. The bowel movements didn't improve, though I did see a doctor and I wasn't as anxious about herpes and he thinks I don't have it. Now I am quite sure I don't have herpes. However, I then found out diarrhea could be a symptom of acute HIV and that just raised my anxiety through the roof. I couldn't concentrate on my studies and I would have loose bowels or sometimes diarrhea in the mornings. I also had some other symptoms. I asked the people at the HIV forum and even both doctors on the professional forum. Everyone agreed on the same fact - that based on my exposure, I either had no risk or unmeasurable risk, my symptoms don't even "hint" at HIV and that I do not need testing. I was reassured for some time and I think my bowels improved for a SHORT while. Now I will describe my mental problems.

When I gain new assurance that I didn't get HIV, such as a comment from another poster, I become more reassured. Then, the next day, I would feel anxious again. Mostly it is because of the mornings. The anxiety is the worst in the mornings usually, and I keep having nightmares. When I have nightmares my anxiety is even worse. It raises my anxiety and by afternoon and night time I am more calm again (such as now). I am also anxious about bowel movements, if I have a better bowel movement I become more calm for the day. At one point I basically moved on from this issue, but then nightmares made me afraid again. I keep having a superstitious thoughts that my nightmares are related to all this or that they predict the future, because it sort of happened one time a few weeks ago regarding a friend passing away. I also got a fear of cancer and since I keep getting loose bowels (and now even diarrhea) I got some nightmares regarding that too so I went to see the doctor. I had stool tests, urine tests and a blood draw. The stool test detected blood and it made everything even worse because I then had to do a hemooccult blood test and I searched online that occult blood could be from cancer. So I was worried about cancer and HIV at the same time and last week it was just horrible... I was skipping classes, barely ate anything, etc. The hemooccult test came back negative and it turns out the stool test probably gave a false positive. However I am still having diarrhea right now and I don't know if it's from the stress. I didn't have much stress yesterday but I woke up with a nightmare this morning and had diarrhea again. I keep associating diarrhea with HIV even though it's been more than eight weeks since the incident. I also keep associating random coincidences and 'rare' happenings to HIV, thinking that maybe HIV was transmitted in some strange way, so strange events just scare me now. I also get anxious when I see anything related to HIV or diseases online or in advertisements or in my studies. I don't know how to deal with this anymore, I am planning to see a counselor on Monday. I know some people would just suggest testing, please don't suggest it... the fear of testing is too much to handle for me since it takes like two weeks, and a false positive can occur as well. Especially since I had a false positive on my stool test and urine test... My challenge right now is to not associate my diarrhea with HIV. Is there any way to do this? It would help greatly. Basically nightmares, mornings, and having diarrhea triggers my anxiety, along with other things I mentioned. I sincerely thank you if you have read this far, I really appreciate it and any advice you can offer.

[citan]

Also more about my fear on testing is that I also read elsewhere that many things can cause a positive result such as even a flu vaccine even when there is no HIV infection. I don't want to put myself at another risk again, so I really want to resolve this mental anxiety without testing. I almost moved on, but my mind and nightmares created the anxiety again...

[Heather3418]

Sometimes when you are overly anxious, the sheer stress you put yourself under can cause bouts of diahhrea.  You have what can be described as infrequent irritable bowel syndrome.  Literally brought on by stress.  You will find that if you can make yourself less worried about your bowels and get your stress level under control, that the bowel symptoms most probably will go away without any treatment.

You are doing the right thing by discussing your anxiety honestly and openly here on this Forum.  That's the first step you can take to wellness.  Talk!  Discuss your feelings openly.  Discuss your fears openly, because you know what dearheart, the more you discuss your fears and get them out in the open, the less power they have over you.  I swear to you this is true.

I suffered from panic and anxiety for over 20 years.  I dealt with it by talking to a professional and learning that my panic attacks really would NOT kill me.  My therapist actually talked me into a panic attack, there in his office.  I was so scared at first, but with his constant reassurance, I figured out that he was right...the panic attack would not kill me.  It just felt like it would.  He continued this kind of therapy with me for several weeks.

The more I encouraged the panic to "come one, take your best shot," the less power it had over me.  Was I scared to let the panic attack come?  You bet.  I was terrified.  But the more I 'allowed' the panic attack to bring itself on, I noticed the less panic attacks I had.  Overtime, they finally stopped all together.  That was 15 years ago.  I have not had a panic attack since.

This forum and it's members can give you tremendous support and advice.  The greatest thing you can do for yourself is unhand yourself of the fear.  Take back YOUR power over fear and anxiety.  It literally can be accomplished by helping yourself to learn that panic WILL NOT kill you.  I know what you are going to say...but you FEEL like it's going to kill you.  You know what 'citan'?  After every panic attack, guess what?  You are still here to talk about it?  It may have felt like you were dying when you were in the midst of the attack, but when it was over...you were still alive.  

Talking with others and learning the techniques; some of which I have just talked about, can take AWAY the power the anxiety and panic has over you.  In turn you will notice that you begin to feel better.  You will begin to notice that you are less concerned about every little ache and pain in your body.  You will begin to look forward to each day, without worry.  One day, you can sit back and laugh at your days of anxiety and panic.  It can happen and does happen.

My advice to you my friend, is have one more AIDS test.  If that one is negative, which I am sure it will be; then you need to keep telling yourself, "I am fine. I am healthy."  "I have more power over the anxiety than it has over me.  I will no longer be it's victim."

It will amaze you, how much better you feel, if you give some of these simple exercises a try.  In the meantime, keep posting here and talking with people that understand.  Anxiety and Panic.  It CAN BE BEATEN and resolved.  I swear to you, this is true.  First and foremost, it has to be what YOU want for your life.  A life free from panic and constant worries and a life full of LIVING.  

It's a great, big wonderful world out there.  It's time you enjoyed it.  You can do it.

Be well my friend and believe in yourself.  YOU have the power....It's been there all along.  You will find it...it's there, just waiting for you..

Heather