caregiver burnout

[funnygirl512]

i have been taking care of my 88 year old father who lives with me, and my husband in a little condo for over a year.
the last 3 months i have experienced feelings of anger/rage and temper outbursts.
my DR. recently suggested medication/I tried zoloft but after 4 days started feeling itching also tried citalopram 20 mg and took one pill and got a migraine and felt dizzy and stopped that also.
i have been taking 5 mgs of lorazepam 3-4 daily for 3 years.
they seem to help.
my doctor keeps pressing the idea of taking an additional medication similar to the 2 above with the lorazepam/but i wonder if it is really necesary because the symptoms i mentioned come and go.
i realize i am under a lot of pressure also because their is no other family member to help out/and i spend everyday with my father/and take him for lunch and a ride so he can get out of the house.
I do receive a home health aide 3 times weekly and a homemaker also.
I am not working because I feel so stressed and my time is limited/I can work part time per diem as a homemaker /companion to get out of the house but I am not sure if that would help me or stress me out more since i already do that at home.
I have been trying to find a caregiver support group but in vain.
please offer some suggestions or opinions.

[funnygirl512]

thank you for your advise not to worry about a job and car right now.
it helped clear my mind.
my husband puts these thoughts into my head and overwhelms me even more.
its nice to hear from you.and get good advice

[nursegirl6572]

Have you ever looked into applying for financial assistance?   I am admittedly clueless as to what it is called, but I know I have a friend who is her Mom's FT caregiver, and the state actually pays her as if it were her actual job.  Maybe someone else would have an idea of where you would inquire about something like that, but I think it would be a good idea.

You could even contact a few attorneys in your area and ask what exactly you would need to do to get some financial help while you care for your Dad. That would definitely help lift the burden a bit.

[mammo]

It doesn't matter how old you are, it's still very difficult to lose a parent. Losing your only parent left is very scary, and makes us feel vulnerable and doubt how we will go on. But you will learn that you are much stronger than you know, and your father would want you to be happy and enjoy life. Take comfort in knowing that you made his last years wonderful and you won't have any regrets. You have no reason to feel guilty for an afternoon out by yourself, and by doing this you will feel better and better able to cope with all of this.  You need to take time for yourself, it will help you emotionally.  If it were me (I lost both my parents when I was 25) I wouldn't worry about a car right now. I can see that your father's well being is everything to you and if you tried to work right now you would be so stressed out worrying about your father.  Worry about a car and a job when the time comes, you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself by worrying about it now.  Let your husband know that your dad is your priority right now, and you will find a job and car when able...which isn't now.  Take some time for yourself and try not to feel guilty, you are only one person and can only do so much.  I'm always here if you want to talk or just vent.  Big hugs to you....

[funnygirl512]

thank you so much for your encouraging words.
its make me feel so much better/to know wonderful people like you are out there to listen to me and give me good advise and insight into what i am going through.
you are right when you say I will miss my father/ i am middle aged but right now feel like an orphan.
my father with all his good point and bad has always been my rock/there really was not any family for me in my life and my father at times was also absent but i still knew he was there.
not having him there anymore terrifies me.I know it sounds stupid coming from a middle age married women /but i have no children a husband  but i feel so alone and scared /i wonder if i can still make it without my father there
it has always been my fear and now i realize in reality the end may be soon and i do not have a lot of support in my life.
my husband is scaring me right now when he says i need to get a job before i go broke and are left with a junkly car.
to me that is not very supportive/even though I know it is true.
thank for listening to me and offering your kind words.
it is appreciated more thqn i can say.

[funnygirl512]

thank you both for your support and advice,
i feel so alone and confused right now.
my husband says to get a job because my car is old, and i have been driving my fathers leased car which will have to go back to the dealership once he is gone and also he says i will not have any money to buy a new one.
this is very overwhemling to think about /since i am the only family member /when something happens i am the only one to go to the hospitol with him or call for help.
today i meeting a freind for the afternoon and will not be able to take himm out and i feel terrible about it/but i need a break from going to lunch and sitting down at the beach afterwards eeveryday for an hour or more.

it helps me to talk to people online /this is the first time i have ever done this,
i am on facebook but never talk just read the comments.
i can tell the people on this website are really sincere and trying to help and i cannot express enough what this means to me right now.
thank you so much for caring and being my friend during the most difficult time of my life.

[nursegirl6572]

I also agree that you should give another AD a second try.  It's very typical for people to throw in the towel too early due to side effects.  You may have an unpleasant couple of weeks, but the side effects will start to resolve.  Plus, you can always ask your doctor ways to help minimize the side effects (ie, possibly bumping up your Ativan dose for the first two weeks, etc.)  Ask your doc about Lexapro.  It is similar to Celexa (the second med you took), but tends to be a little better tolerated.  Just throwing that out there.

You sound like you are really trying to find ways to cope, that's awesome!  Too often, full time caregivers play the martyr role and deny that they need any kind of help, until they seriously burn out.  Keep looking for support groups, extra resources in the home, etc.  

Another option you may want to look into is short term respite care.  Most nursing homes offer that. It's a nice opportunity for a caregiver to leave the care in someone else's hands, even if just for a long weekend.  Some will choose a little longer stay, 1-2 weeks, and take a well needed vacation.  I know there is a feeling of guilt about that, but it is not the same as permanently placing your dad in a facility.  

As a supervisor in a nursing home, I can tell you that countless times, I've witnessed the caretaker drop off their loved one totally a wreck, feeling guilty, only to return feeling great...rested, rejuvenated.  And, once they see that their Mom/Dad was well taken care of and just fine, it made them feel even better.  Before long, we would see them again here and there.  Believe it or not, sometimes the elderly person thrives with a break too, and if your dad isn't confused, he will understand that it is just temporary.  Your dad would be able to attend all kinds of social functions scheduled by the facility, chat with his peers, and be doted on by pretty nurses...lol.  Seriously, look into it.  It's a fabulous kind of program.  

There is also adult day care, which you could look into taking your dad to once or twice a week to allow you to get a break.  Adult day care usually requires a certain level of independence thought.  You would have to inquire.  They are super programs too, and the elderly folks LOVE it.  They really do!  And, by the way, it's OKAY to need a break, it would actually make you a better caretaker for your dad.

It's awesome that you're giving your dad the opportunity to live out his days in the comfort of home, surrounded by loved ones.  Like mammo siad, when you're dad is gone, you'll have no regrets, and he'll pass peacefully to the next life.

Hang in there...we're always here for you if you even just need to vent.  I could give you a TON of other advice too, as well as greenlydia (the other community leader on this forum).  We've both been in the nursing field a very long time, we have a lot of experience with geriatric patients.  There's all kinds of tricks and tips that we could share that would even make daily life a bit easier if you are facing certain challenges with him (eating, sleeping, safety, etc).

Let us know how you're doing!

[mammo]

I know this is a very difficult time for you in many ways.  But one thing is for sure....when your dad is gone you will have no regrets in knowing that you took great care of him and made his last few years good ones.  He will leave this world knowing you loved him and there is no greater gift you can give to him.  He cared for you when you were unable to care for yourself and now it's your turn to care for him.  I agree with remar in that you should consider trying another AD, these take several weeks to build up to a therapeutic level in your body and during the first week or so there are some side effects which do pass.  Your dad is well aware that his days are winding down, and even if he doesn't tell you.....he is grateful for YOU!  As trying as this is right now, you will miss your dad and having him around all the time.  You're a blessing to him and he knows it.  Be grateful that you get to share what time he has left and can say everything to him that you always wanted to.  It's difficult when you're in the middle of it all, but don't lose perspective on how much this means to him now and what it will mean to you when he's gone.  You're a wonderful daughter, be proud of all you do.

[remar]

It sounds like you were having an allergic reaction to the Zoloft. It's probably a good thing you quit taking that one. The other one, It sounds like you were having side effects. All of these meds can come with possible side effects. But, they can go away in a few days to a few weeks. I think your Dr is wanting you to take an antidepressant to help with not only your anxiety but your depression too. It might be a good idea to join a support group. One that deals with being a caregiver. It is an extremely hard thing to do. You can ask your fathers Dr, look online, call your local hospitals,churches, check your local newspaper and your phone book.