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death sounds beautifully invigorating
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death sounds beautifully invigorating

I really want to die......everyday suicide seems like a really good option. My parents have never been there for me. My dad is schizophrenic and I barely ever see him. My mom hates me and has never cared about me. I was sexually abused when I was younger and my mom did not give a damn. I then developed eating disorders but my mom said I only cared about how I looked but I really just wanted her attention.. I am angry hurt and just want to die.I gained weight thinking it would make her love me but no she just does not care she loves my other siblings but has never loved me. I just want her to love me. I want someone to love me and hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok but there is no one. I feel sick. I am trash stupid ugly disgusting horrible evil filthily and want to die. No one would care if I died but I am to afraid to kill myself so I keep on putting suicide off. I am sick of breathing and thinking and being. No one could ever love me no one I am **** and just want to die no one cares..............I feel empty inside I need help but don't have money to get it I want to die so bad. I am stuck in a pit with no hope and no one cares I just want to die. Please help I need help. But there is no hope. Hope is only for certain people people who are not worthless crap
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1390847_tn?1344661068
I am where you are.  i feel exactly the same as you.  Dying sounds great to me but i get scared before i actually act on it.  Yesterday though, I did act on it.  I almost drove my car off a clif but right before i did i got a call on my cellphone from my friend, and the call made me stop and pull over.
RIght here right now, I am telling you DONT kill yourself becuase its not the answer.  Yesterday when someone said that to me I didnt take it to heart becuase I was so set on dying.  Today, I can hear that and understand.  Your not in your right state of mind right now....dont do anything you cant take back.  You dont know whats coming...tomorrow you may meet your soulmate..tomorrow maybe youll see a friend or just anything....you just dont know what could be coming your way and dont give it up.  I know whats its like to not feel loved. I know what its like to want death so much theres not an inch of love in my heart...but right now im telling you theres hope.  Just becuase i am still alive right now after what i almost did yesterday proves there is hope.  
I care about you...I dont care if ive never met you or talked to you becuase I still care.  You can get help.  Are you in any sort of therapy or on any medications?
I know that at times of desperation like this words are hardly comforting.  Just trust me on this...you will regret it if you die.  You wont get married or have kids...you wont get to see what the world brings becuase it is always changing.  Dont give up all hope...Trust me good things are bound to come.
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Avatar_m_tn
ij ust read your reply to  allybaby im not suffering from any eating disorder or no being loved i suffer from chronic anxiety but yesterday i had 12 of my dads pills in my hand i actually think i started to one my mouth i just feel so depressed and reading your message to that young girl was beutiful because that is exactly true u dont know who your gonna meet or you dont know what is round the corner i just wanted to say that has really helped me and hopefully it will help her fingers x that was a great message
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968908_tn?1274874715
Hi,
First of all i just want to let you know that i think your extremely brave to admit to us all here on the forum how you are truely feeling.  This in itself is you admitting to yourself how badly your feeling and that indeed you really and truely dont want to hurt or end your life but you just want to feel loved.  There are people on here who can and will give you a shoulder to cry on, like myself, we do know how you are feeling as the majority of us have been to that deep dark pit your at now.  I will say this you can escape it and there is light at the end of this tunnel, the one thing that will get you there is by not being alone in this situation and getting the help you really desire and need.

i can tell you that it sounds very much like your suffering from severe clinical depression.  This is a life threatening illness in that in severe cases such as yourself you start to have daily urges and thoughts of ending your life.  The desire to die becomes greater than that to live.  This being your case i strongly urge you to seek help professionally.  You state that you dont have any cash but really and truely this needs to be the last thing that you take into this situation at present.  You need to either go to your local clinic or GP/PC doctor asap and be extremely honest in the way you are feeling.   I can tell you right now that if you told your doctor what you have told us, they would not just fob you off without treatment.  They would refer you to the professionals and maybe even prescribe you some anti-depressants too.  Please, please do not just read this and not take action, i really do urge you to get professional help.

In regards to your mum, you say she loves your siblings but not you.  How many brothers or sisters do you have?  What kind of things does she do for them but not for you?  Has this been going on for a long time or is it more recent these feelings you feel? What happens when you try to talk to her? Do you both fight all the time?

I am going to send this message to your inbox as well, as in the past when any body has mentioned suicide on this forum the post normally ends up getting removed.  Which to be honest i think is not advisable as your seeking help and gildance and by removing such a post it leaves the person feeling even more isolated.  So i do really hope they leave it on here so you can get the support and advice you need.

If you need to chat to me just inbox and i'll get back to you as soon as im able.  I know what your going through cause i have been there a few times now.  All i can say is it does get better and your not alone!!!!
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968908_tn?1274874715
Just to add all my advise gors to you also.  If your feeling this way too, please seek medical professional help.  In these times you need professionals to help pull you out of this darkness.  With love, support and trust things will get better.

Peace and light

Julie
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you for the advice and for caring. I know I need help. My mom has 6 other kids she treats me with indifference and never talks to me only to point out my problems. Never in my life have I felt love from her. When I was younger she only pointed out the bad stuff as well. I feel like whatever I do no matter what I can never make her happy. I try but I always end up failing. I hate myself for everything and feel so much anger towards her. She thinks that all I care about is myself and maybe its true but I try to help others and not only focus on me. I have never done drugs or sex or anything like that. I sometimes don't understand why she hates me so much. I am going to be moving out into my grandparents house but I don't think they want me there either =(. I don't have a car and do not have enough money to move out on my own. There are times I think I should leave and try to live on my own but I don't know how and don't know how smart it would be. I have told my mom that I hate myself and want to die but she thinks I am just selfish. I try to talk to her but she doesn't want to talk to me.........she scares me now that I do not even want to try....
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1244499_tn?1397549123
Death is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I can't say I've been exactly where you are, as my family has done everything they possibly can to help. This December, I will start my 7th year of treatment resistant major depressive disorder, general anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and social phobia.

I don't consider what I have to be a "life". The only time I leave the house is to see doctors, otherwise I sleep most of the day, just to walk downstairs and lay on a couch for the rest of the day. It's not fair, is it? I've noticed lately that I keep asking myself "what reason do I have to keep fighting?" Nothing's worked for me. I'm missing out on what should be the best years of my life.

I've been to many therapists and psychiatrists. Take a look at this:

Diazepam - Currently taking
Lexapro - Currently taking
Wellbutrin XL - Currently taking
Deplin - Currently taking
Alprazolam
Clonazepam
Lorazepam
Lunesta
Ambien
Trazadone
Benadryl (for sleep)
Nortriptyline
Celexa
Prozac
Paxil
Zoloft
Cymbalta
Effexor
Mirtazapine
Amatriptyline
Buspar
Seroquel
Zyprexa
Abilify
Provigil
Ritalin
Vyvance
Clonidine
Gabapentin
Vistaril
Tramadol
Hydrocodone ("Self Medicating")
Oxycodone ("Self Medicating")

Let me clarify this. I'm 22 years old. I've been prescribed 31 of the 33 medications listed above. (Vicodin helped a lot, but I couldn't get it from a doctor for depression and anxiety). Most nights I go to bed hoping I won't wake up, but something is keeping me alive, and I believe there's something keeping you fighting, even if you can't identify it.
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968908_tn?1274874715
Yes there is, it is called hope! We all have a strong desire to survive, it is human nature and at times like this 'hoping' that things will get better is what is keeping u from ending it all. It is extremely imporetant to hold hope close to ur heart cause this is what will ultimately pull u through.  If ur religous or spiritual then this is the time to become far closer with ur beliefs and make them an everday part of your life, faith is more powerful than u can ever imagine and if your feeling lonely, lost or afraid being close to ur beliefs will fill that hole and make u feel more comfort and belonging.
Death, in my opinion, isn't the end, everyone living has a path in life with several lessons that need to be learn't, be it how to overcome fear, grief, mental illness.  How to deal with fame, fortune, success... We all have a key lesson to learn and its our goal how to teach ourselves how to cope and overcome it.

Abbey, maybe it would be a good idea to go to ur granparents for a while, by taking yourself out the situation it gives u time to breath and ur mum, it allows everything to calm down.  Maybe after a few months u may find it easier to approach her and she may be more willing to listen.  Have u considered asking for therapy both on ur own and with ur mum?  If u get referred by ur doc to a therapist they could try and arrange, on ur behalf, family therapy for the two of u.  I knw u'll say that she'll say no, but u can't say that for certain unless u try! She may just surprise u x  
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968908_tn?1274874715
Just thought I'd add also that since the age of 19 I have suffered from severe depression, agoraphobia, social phobia, GAD and panic disorder.  Since the age of 22 I was on 20mg of Paxil and only came off of them last march 09, I'm now 37.  Paxil gave me back my life for all them years, I still had issues but I had my freedom in that I could travel and have relationships.  In June of last year I became extremely ill again with a massive flare up of all my illnesses, but found ever since I have not been able to successfully get back onto ANY anti-depressant, side effects are too severe.  So each day I'm struggling through, in the last 18 months I have had weeks where I just want to die, even have worked out how I would do it in my mind, but I haven't taken it any further cause I truely believe that I will manage to pull through this, even though I still do have days where I curl up and wish God would just let me die in peace. Like u ajrc, I don't leave the house, only to go hospital, doctors etc and even then I'm complete mess cause of the panic attacks.  I have had 5 months of CBT which only now am I trying to implement, so I have been going out for 2 min walks trying to work through the anxiety.  Although my shrink is now threatening to discharge me from the hospital as I'm not making the progress she wants and I'm not taking the treatments she feels I need... Which is anti-psychotics cause I can't take anti-d's, in low doses they control anxiety but also make u feel like u don't even exist, just a drooling, bumbling mess and also talk therapy but I've had a year of that when I was 19 and it did nothing for me.  I'm asking for more CBT but they have said no... So? I have 3 children who keep me going and am a single mum.  I have friends and family but I only speak to them over the phone or internet, I don't allow them to come see me and at times the isolation has nearly drove me insane.  To be honest 3 things have kept me going over the last 18 months, God and my heavenly family, my children and hope!
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Avatar_m_tn
Hey ally,First thing is to never loose hope in life for whatever you do or for whatever happens.Because everybad thing may have a good side out of it.If you look at me as a male.I was sexually abused assaulted and molested.First at the age of 12 by a 40 year old guy.He forced me into things and i was to scared to tell my parents till today.At the age of 14 something similar happend from someone else too it was in a shop i went to.to buy some stuff i just ran away and never told anyone.3 months ago i was mugged and sexually assaulted i am 20 now.I was corned beaten up and robbed and assaulted sexually.I am a straight and never had sex before.But all this happens to me.But i know its all a test from god.and by gods grace i will pass that test by not loosing hope.I have been sick for the past 3 months looking for different solutions but i swear by the name of god the main solution is prayers and trust in god.And avoiding anything that makes god angry.Have hope ally ,this whole life is just a test.If you get to pass this test you will be in heavens if you fail just forget it.If you kill yourself today.you will be sentenced to hell.And will be tortured in your grave.Dont go astray by listening to the devil.Have hope in god,And think that anything that happens to you is for the better.And believe in one god.

Live in this world like your on a journey passing through a town and you are soon going to be in your final destination.Which is either heavens or hell.
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968908_tn?1274874715
God is an all loving mighty God James, he does not permit rape, abuse, suffering, this is all done at the hand of the devil and his demons.  People suffer for two reasons God asked Luicfer, as he did all the other Angels to love Man more than himself, to watch over and guide them so that they may not stumble.  However Lucifer did not want to do this and decided to try to defeat God and take over Heaven, become God himself.  Archangel Micheal held the battle with Lucifer and cast him out of Heaven and so Lucifer cast damnation upon us here on earth, this is where everything terrible has evolved from... Not from God but the devil!

The 2nd reason is we have free will so we can follow any path we choose, so this means that the devil can influence that pathn throw a massive stones in our road for us to fall upon but we are fortunate because we can be saved, we can be helped, for we have a heavenly family.  We all have gardian Angels, we all can talk and gain help from the Archangels such as Micheal and Raphael, Jesus and God himself but because we have free will they can't MAKE us follow a path, only we can ulitmately decide.  People who rape, abuse and cause suffering have made that choice to embrace the anger, hatred, evilness inside of them and by doing so they have handed over their soul to the devil.  But by embracing all that is good, by calling and talking to ur Angels, by praying to God, by reading the bible, by communicating and befriending other Christians etc.. By commiting good acts upon the community u are giving ur soul over to God.  God sees what is truely in ur heart and he knows if u hold evil comptempt.  So if u feel like you could commit murder or rape another or feel like evoking suffering on another living being, hold ur hand up to God and ask that he may come into ur life so that the devil may be cast out, actively seek God and he will be there for u and protect u.  On a daily basis talk to ur Angels for guildance and ask Archangel Micheal to come and protect ur home, ur family and u from low light enities for heavenly, good spirits will shine bright and evil looms in darkness.

Don't be afraid of God but most certainly be afraid of the devil, and just be afraid that by following the devil u will never enter the kingdom of Heaven.
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968908_tn?1274874715
I just thought id also add that you did nothing wrong to deserve what has happened to you.  Evil seeks out souls that shine brightly, they are attracted to them so that they can break our soul down.  The more they break our soul down the dimmer the brightness shines and if you let them win your light will eventually go out and thats when your doomed to eternity in hell.  What this ultimately means James is you have a good, innocent Goddly Soul and you need to now draw close with God to ensure that the devil takes no more!!!
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1516364_tn?1291054524
Hey everyone, just read the posts and want to say that I have been there too.  I can say that all of those things happened to me and I thought I was not going to make it.  But something kept wanting me to keep trying and later I found out it was God wanting me to live.  So I asked him to help me and he did.  I read the Bible everyday now and it brings me peace.  God helped me forgive those who hurt me and I have seen good days.  I was able to get married to a great man and we have a lot of fun together.  One thing that  has also helped has been getting sun on my face everyday.  It helps calm me down because it is a natural tranquilizer.  I also started to go to parks and take pictures of nature and this almost completely took away my anxiety without meds.  Exercise is key.  Also a good diet keeps your body calm as well.  There is hope guys, I am a witness of this.  I don't think this was an accident that I got on this forum today.  Check out this website if you are interested in some hope and I'd not that is okay too.  (************.org) God bless you all, I will be praying for you, He loves you and so do I !!!!  It will get better!! A miracle is just around the corner....
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