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fear of being a bad person, unworthy of love, etc
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fear of being a bad person, unworthy of love, etc

Hello all,
I am a 24-year-old female.
I have had a therapist tell me that I have a form of OCD, but then a psych tell me a year or two later that I don't... it's very confusing... Now she thinks I may have borderline personality disorder but honestly, I just don't think so. My obsessive thoughts rule a great deal of my life, and all my depression seems to stem from them, specifically. Besides... I've never really heard of BPD occurring in children... (have you?)
I have been fairly obsessed for most of my life with being a good person, and being afraid that I am a bad person. This started in childhood, when I was about 9 years old. It began with me confessing to my mom just about everything I'd ever done wrong or thought I'd done wrong. She would tell me it was okay, but then I just couldn't let it go, whatever it was... until the next obsession came along. I still worry obsessively about things I did in my childhood and am convinced that they make me unworthy of my family, friends and boyfriend's love.
Most of my childhood obsession revolve around a period of time when I was 7 years old and learned about sex from the kids at school and then from my mom. I guess I was totally overwhelmed and fascinated with it, then again, so were most of my friends, it seemed. I did some kind of weird stuff back then, I guess just out of sheer curiosity. I have a couple memories in particular that torture me: Being desperately curious about sex and what it was like and thinking, "Hey, my brother's a boy, maybe I could have sex with him!" I remember going into his room and pulling at his diaper, I guess thinking about having sex with him. He would have been about 3. I don't remember touching him at all, though, just pulling at his diaper. We were both laughing. But I guess I've always thought that it was really really bad and that I did something I just don't remember, something awful. I also remember dancing naked in front of the window when I was 7, when I saw that our neighbors were awake across the street with the light on. I was pulling at my vagina and I guess showing it off or something. I don't really think that anyone saw me. Anyway, it's those two memories that absolutely torture me. As far as I know, this intense sexual interest in my childhood only lasted a few months or a year or so, and then I think I lost interest. And by 9, I was feeling intensely guilty about that period of time when I was really interested in sex, believing myself to be a very bad person. I guess those are the two memories that my mom was the most surprised at when I told her as a 9 year old, and for some reason her reaction stays with me.
It's hard for me to even confess all of this anonymously. I'm still afraid that someone will read this and think that I really did do something that was really screwed up. Deep down I really do think I'm a pretty normal person, I'm an artist and writer and I guess pretty sensitive... but I obsess and obsess over these things until I want to die. I've had a lot of other obsessions in the past, fear of having AIDS, fear that I secretly hate my family, hearing terrible thoughts in my head, being afraid I'll hurt someone, etc, etc. I also have a fairly obsessive fear about getting pregnant regardless of how protected I am.
Does anyone else obsess about their childhood? I guess my compulsion would be that I feel the overwhelming urge to confess to people (still,) everything that I've ever done wrong. I feel that they can't possibly love me without knowing the "truth", and on some level I think I want to be told that I really am an evil person in order to justify the anxiety.
I'm afraid that by "confessing" this to you (any of you,) that I have just acted out my compulsion again. I always get temporary relief from confessing, but it never ever lasts. I guess it would just be good to know if other people have obsessions with being a good person or being evil or unworthy, and if they try to justify this belief by picking out things from the past.
Thanks for reading. I'm sorry this is so long, but it does feel good to write it down... (for the first time)
thank you
good luck to all,
tara
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi Tara.  I think I have sort of the same thing.  I've posted my whole long story above you on the forum.  I tend to obsess over mistakes I have made in the past.  Not so much sexual things, but giving the wrong answer in class or messing up something at work.  I still give myself trouble over mistakes I made in kindergarten, and I am now 26.  I just keep repeating the mistakes in my mind until I feel like I'm going crazy.  I obsess over what others think about me and take criticism really hard.  So I think we are kind of similar.  I don't know how much I can help, as I feel pretty messed up these days myself, but reading your story, I think it is normal for kids learning about sex to display some behavior exploring their sexuality and you should not be ashamed.  This definitely does not make you a bad person.  It is easier said than done, but you need to try to forgive yourself.  Everyone does things they regret, but what is important is that you learn from it and move on.  Hopefully eventually you and I will both be able to forgive ourselves.  Know that you are not the only one out there obsessing over the past!
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Avatar_f_tn
thanks a lot for the support, i really appreciate it. it's comforting to hear someone else's story.
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358304_tn?1409713092
Hi, 24male. Suffer from Anxiety. (Not so much tonight, feels like it got lifted off my shoulders). Anyways! About your issue. I think it's very very normal to be like that. When you are a child, and something like that happens, it makes a memory... do you know what makes a memory? Adrenaline. Adrenaline rushes when something EXCITING and fun is happening and also when something DRAMATIC and TERRIBLE is happening. But That's what makes those memories that you can never seem to forget about.

Now, I obsess about my childhood. Almost to where its a bad thing. I collect things from the 80's. I'm always collecting cartoons from back in the day. I watch cartoons everynight before bed. It feels good to reminisce but I think it can be a bad thing too, b/c you are obsessing about the good things in the past, and like I said thats okay, but to an extent. You also got to move on, and love the NOW and the FUTURE. =)

I don't have the same problem you do, but I can tell you times when I was a child finding out about sex etc. It was almost tramatizing.. but exciting at the same time. I remember at a very young age, like 8 or 9.. going to one of my neighbors house, and we would go through their porn magazines.. and watch videos... and I felt so terrible about it. But, I've also experimented as a child too like you. Not with my siblings or anything. But I remember my cousin (a girl.. just wanted to make that clear lol.) took me out in the woods and had me get on top of her. I was excited, but also traumatized. We didnt do anything, but I felt terrible and sick and scared.

But its all normal. We are human. And sexual desire is something thats in our Human Nature. It always has. God has blessed us with those special parts... and at that age we are curious.

Learn to let it all go. Don't feel bad. (I know it's easier said that done. and i'm sure youve tried)

Hope this was somewhat helpful. =)
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Avatar_f_tn
Tara,

I know what you're talking about, and sure, many other forum members and people with anxiety genes do. And, heck, even people who have never been diagnosed with anxiety could relate to your fears, to a degree. Nobody is perfect, everyone does silly things a  lot of the time, and many later have a bad conscience about it (then, many other couldn't care less and never even stop to think about it... I wouldn't like to be one of them anyway).

The things you described doing as a kid are pretty normal in a kid who has just begun to learn what sex is (since I won't say that you learn what sex is when you're a kid -it's just impossible) and is amazed and excited by it. I think many children around the age you were when you did those things act in a similar way as yourself. The difference between non-anxious people and anxious people is that anxious people are much more prone to tormenting themselves with such episodes, while non-anxious people will probably laugh at it and deem it as a funny anecdote from a time when they were innocent -because that's what you were back then, an innocent child. You did those things because, to your eyes, they were normal, funny things and there was nothing to be embarrassed about in doing them. Everyone has done things like that. Children have a playful nature, and they like to explore all new things, they like to be active in them. It is a part of growing up.

I know none of that matters as long as you don't find the way to see things as they are, and understand that none of that makes you a bad person -far, far from that. I hope that knowing you are far from being a rarity helps you a little -you aren't exactly alone, lol. I hope you find peace of mind.

*hug*
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Avatar_f_tn
Tara,
I agree with the others.  You know, I think that this is just in our nature, to scrutinize every aspect of our lives.  Thinking of what we did as chidren and wondering if that was 'normal behavior' tends to haunt people like us.  I know exactly what you are going through.  For ex.  Oh my gosh, I remember that time when I stole a sticker from the dollar store, that must mean I am *diagnosis*!!!!  Yikes.  Please try to remember that you are not alone.  There are so many others that are going through the same thing you are.  I will be thinking of you, and I hope that you will work past this.  You were acting like a normal kiddo.  Children have different ways of exploring and learning then adults.  You should not feel ashamed.  
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what you are saying is perfectly normal in growing up our curosity as children is so natural and the guilt also wanting mommy to thinkwe are ok i am an older   person have worked in medical feild 40 years and my dear if that is all you have done in childhood it is a natural thing also  now that you have confessed all leave it right here just as you would throw an old newspaper away your past is gone now lets go forward and think positive twords the future no one can have a future if they live or are obsessed with the past dr have a habil of putting labels on people. so sad  sometimes we get a bit confused you are young i hope healthy i dont know if you take medicine , somtimes if we try hard enough we can take control of our life and move forward now that you know the reason work for the solution you sound like an intelligent young woman so now turn your life around and be happy     lots of luck   jo    
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Avatar_f_tn
thank you everyone...
i do take meds and have been on a variety since i was a child. it's nice to be part of a community where people understand what you're going through.
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361662_tn?1204239310
I too suffered from "THE PERFECT PERSON SYNDROME"

Life is not perfect,no person is perfect. there are ups and downs. We are all precious children of God. We are all worthy of love and forgiveness.

Try sincere prayer. It works. God is Love.

And to you cynics out there, poor poor baby. The world does not revolve around you.
P.S. God loves the cynics too and so do I.


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Avatar_f_tn
I was diagnosed with OCD at age 16, which is when I had a nervous breakdown. I have taken anti-depressants off and on since then.  I had intense emotions, mostly anger, that consumed from the age of 13 - 16, with bad thoughts.  I was angry at my mom mostly.  I never thought I would be able to have inner peace.  I always prayed, compulsively.  When I was about 20 years old I started going to a church and changed my eating style - no sugar, completely healthy choices, a lot of those emotions left me.  Now, I am at a stage in my life where I am married and have a wonderful healthy 14 month old daughter.  I have a successful career also.  My dilemna is that I have mixed feelings about my husband, I don't know if I love him, I second guess myself a lot the time-I am obsessed with it and it is so tiresome.  
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Avatar_n_tn
I feel exactly the same! I worry that I am a bad person, and unworthy of peoples love all the time. I think it started when I was around 13 or 14 but has worsened over the last few years. I cast my mind back through my childhood trying to find things that I had done wrong, it can be the smallest of things, but I will worry bout it all day. Due to these feelings I find it very hard to open up to people and feel very nevous around them. I have no confidence at all. I can really sympathise with you, as I know exactly how you feel. I've just noticed that you posted your comment back in January and I hope you are feeling more relaxed about things?
I'm going to counselling soon, so hopefully I will find the enjoyment in life again!  :)

Hi all - does anyone else feel this way?
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I cannot even explain how much I appreciate that you posted this.  I actually wish that I could meet you to tell you how much I admire you and your courage.  I didn't display the exact same behavior but very similar in that it drove me mad with fear.  Similar circumstanses as well.  Children have normal playful interest in what they don't know.  Those playful innocent occurances didn't begin to plauge my mind until I was in a bad relationship for over a year.  My ex had told me that he had been molested while we were in a fight.  I had always felt so much for victims of abuse and he later used the topic in fights to get in my head.  I was no saint but I would never have thought my worries could lead to this one.

I became to question things I had done that I used to just think as innocent and not devious at all.  I became obsessed with his loss of innocence and wondered if I was a predator as well.  Or if I could be.  Even though that thought had never crossed my mind in my whole life.  I had a wonderful childhood and had always been optimistic even thought I've had anxiety since I was 7.  It was tormenting because I have always liked kids and never questioned that I was a good person.  Now its been over a year and I have already come to the conclusion that I could never have children because I am afraid that I will become what I hate.  I want children when I get older.  I want to live my life to the fullest.  I obsess about it more than ever now even though I am living a good life with someone who treats me with every ounce of respect.  I think it hit so hard because the relationship with my ex was from I was 14 until I was about 17.  I am going to be 18 very soon.  I am terrified because I feel that my life is already ruined by compulsive thoughts that I might become evil, sick, and devious.  Please, if anyone is reading this, I need input.  Please.  
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Avatar_n_tn
Hi Tara.  Do you realize that you have "persistant anxiety disorder?"  You need to be on medication Tara.  I have persisant anxiety disorder too.  I used to obsess just like you do.  Get yourself to a psychiatrist and get on some medication.  You will not obsess about yourself so much.  Trust me on this.  I can't believe you have been suffering like this for this long.  Also, remember that God loves you.  There is nothing that you can do that can make God love you any more than He does.  And there is nothing that you can do that can make Him love you any less.  There is a scripture in the bible that says, "If we confess our sins He is faithful to remove our sins as far as the east is from the west."  If you go before God and sincerely ask Him to forgive you for the sins you have committed that you know of, and even the ones you don't, He will gladly do just that.  Then all you have to do is thank Him, and let it go.  There is a woman who is a devout catholic and also a true prophet of God.  The Lord speaks to this woman and she has put what He has said in these little books called "Volumes."  You would get a great deal of peace if you read them.  Go to a web site called, Direction For Our Times.  You can read them on their site, or buy them for $5 a piece.  Anyway, this priest did not believe that Jesus speaks to her (He has been speaking to prophets forever) and said to her, "Ask Jesus to tell you what my greatest sin was before becoming a priest."  So, she did and the next time she saw this priest he said, "Well, what did He say?" and she said, "He said,'I don't remember'."  That's our Lord.  Confess it, and forget it.  He does.
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Avatar_n_tn
I got that scripture wrong, it's actually....
"If we confess our sins, He is faithful to forgive us our sins, and cleanse us from all unrighteousness." 1John1:9
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Avatar_n_tn
As I read your post it reminded me a lot of me! I am a 22 year old male and I had very similar experiences growing up. I have had anxiety for as long as I can remember and I worry a lot about being the perfect person. I have struggled over the years with it and when I was first diagnosed I could not stop thinking that it was something in my past that caused me to have these difficulties with anxiety, but I have since learned that it is not a cause of something in my past, but a trial that I have been given in my life. Everyone has different trials, but this is one that was given to me. The anxiety is what makes you feel that you are a bad person, it does not mean that you are. It tricks you into believing this because it gives you obsessive thoughts and feelings that go along with those thoughts to trick you into believing that it is true. We all make mistakes and that's just how life is. It depends on us to decide if we will pick ourselves up and move forward or if we will dwell on these mistakes. I have also learned that the only person that can help us do this successfully is the Savior Jesus Christ. He suffered and died for all of us including you so that He can help you. He is there and WILL help if you but ask and "come unto him" like He invites all of us in Matthew 11:28-30. I know this to be true because He has done it for me.

P.S. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi! I'm not sure if you still check this since its been a year since you posted but i'm going through almost if not the exact same thing as what you've described. I can't tell you how good it feels to know someone else has gone through what i am currently going through. I wish I could speak to you through email. . .I'm 25 female and keep remembering a certain incident in my childhood involving sexual play that bother me sooo much and i cant get it out of my head. It has really depressed me I don't know how to live this way! It awful but atleast there is someone out there who knows what i'm going through. I feel like I also have to tell anyone i'm close to things i've done wrong and even when they say its Ok or that's normal kid stuff I still can't let it go. My therapist who I just started going to when I recalled this memory has diagnosed me with O.C.D. I try to make peace with it and move on but it won't leave my mind. It's driving me crazy and ruining my life.
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Avatar_m_tn
I gat the same issues too..but i dont believe its a medical problem...but i just cant shake it off.
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Avatar_m_tn
I really can relate with you on this stuff, i mean really, i haven't discovered anyone who does relate.

I dont really fear about child hood, but i fear Becoming something totally evil, And a social reject by that evil. Im scared ill start lusting after terrible things.

But i deal with this all at the same time combating it with the only thing i know, and that's the Word of God, in the bible.

Not being a christian, i don't think i could bare it honestly.

I know God Exists, because he has saved me from my past Sins, all the horrible things i've done, and those are partly of which concern me that i don't want to be come more evil than that.

Im even a writer, Character designer and kind of just an imagination-person.

I love to create stuff...

Im just an 18 year old Christian,  always enclosed,  home schooled. and over exposure to the internet caused to much curiosity in my younger years.

It helps just THAT! much to know your forgiven though.
I guess i just have a little bit of a mental deficiency.
I had been A.d.d as well. though my mother had taken me off of Ridilin because of the rumored side effects. This was quite a ways back...


But yeah, we all did terribly dumb things,  and i sympathize with that.  The only way i know that can help me with any obsession of fear, is Jesus.

Some people say they can't shake it off, but you can either all together shake it off, or just get rid of it at least half way. With God, and i know cause i do suffer sometimes from the thoughts in my head.

WHAT IF the fear of what if. is just awful. What if i became a Sexual Deviant or some kind of thing.

But you gotta remember your morals, and stick to the laws of of what you know to be right and wrong. Scary stuff, the realm of the mind. You know i realized something though, i'm so far less alone than i thought. that helps...

The only escape i know is Jesus, and i mean that in Love and in my heart.

there is a song by a group called GTR, i just recalled.

When the Heart Rules the mind, one look and love is blind.
When you want the Dream to last, take a chance, forget the past.

maybe it kind of has something to do with it.
God bless you all, and i hope your all be okay. and be able to keep on keeping on.

( i never was counciled nor had taken drugs or anything for this problem, But i suppouse "The" councilor counts, doesn't it.  I hope you guys may consider taking this way, because if i have the same problem, i can only assume that it must be hard with out God.)
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Avatar_m_tn
So what is wrong with us,  who knows, Maybe its just the way our minds developed, or the things we aren't forgiving ourselves for that we did, that has some kind of deep inner effect.

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Avatar_n_tn
I am surrounded by real employees who have an ability to focus and fit in with society. I on the other hand am a subversive toad who can only survive through deceiving good people into believing that I am one of them. I would like you all to understand that I have nothing but distain for my character and the thoughts that rage uncontrollably in my brain. Uncontrollable is just another lie, I could improve and maybe even become one of those helpful members of society. Instead I take every opportunity to be selfish and self-absorbed. Everything I do has my own best interest at heart and never the people around me who seem to care about me; even though they are bound by the laws of family to care. My family, they are not to blame for any reason and carry no fault for issues of my own. I take full responsibility for the outcome of my existence. Every feeling of misery and distain I feel is that of my own creation. I was married once to a beautiful and caring girl. Her only fault in this world was her fantastic ability for caring for others which allowed her to be taken advantage of by scum like myself. I lived in an un-interrupted dream world with her for four years where her happiness was second or maybe third to whatever stupid **** I cared about that week. She is gone now, lost to me forever and all I have now is regret. My ability to think only of myself is what has made me so miserable. I shoulder all the blame, this is my fault. I am weak and insecure. The funny thing is I am viewed as a well adjusted and well liked trustworthy member of society by my peers. I don’t really understand how this happens as I do little to demonstrate kindness of strong character. This effect is slowly wearing off as I push 30 and the people around me begin to sniff out the massive amount of ******** I deal on a daily basis. I desire to be a good person, or maybe I just tell that to myself so I can sleep at night without nightmares of my past indiscretions coming back to haunt me. I have reached the end of my rope and I turn to the anonymous to get a few opinions on my next steps.
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Avatar_m_tn
Hi Tara,

I know your message was posted so long ago, but I just wanted to tell you how grateful and overwhelmed I am to read that someone has experienced the exact same compulsive worries as me.

I want to thank you for making me feel that I'm not alone and that is so comforting. I have felt horribly anxious the last 2 years on and off and it came out of nowhere when I was out of a job and had to move back home again. Everytime I heard something horrible on the news or in the papers I would feel responsible, and after a while anxiety lead to lots of silly OCDs which then lead to me questioning everything bad I have ever done including when I was a child. If I am honest, this is the first time I have felt such great relief, just reading your message.

I hope you have overcome your worries now and wish you the best for the future, because nobody deserves to be consumed by pointless obsessive worrying and for it to interrupt enjoying life. I also just read another very useful comment that I will always try remember whenever I feel anxious - the very fact that someone spends so much time worrying about being a bad person shows that they have a great conscience which means you are a good person for actually worrying in the first place. (just maybe a bit too much :)

Thank you, again, for making me feel such comfort for the first time in a long time.
Really, thank you. I am so grateful and happy I stumbled onto this forum.

Lu
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Avatar_m_tn
I know this was years ago and of course you're not reading this by now.

But thank you.  I'm turning 31 this year and I've spent most of my life wondering how anyone can like me.  How can anyone see me as a good person?  How did I manage to marry such a good man like my husband?

For my whole life, I've felt like I was deceiving other people.  My husband wanted to go back to school so I helped him sign up, I helped him get financial aid, I helped him with his first schedule.  And now I wonder if I didn't force him into it.  For years I've felt like I am using him, riding on his success as I attempted to pursue a career as a work-at-home independent contractor.  No amount of assurance from him can make me feel like he's telling me the whole truth, that he must hate me for how little money I've brought into our relationship through the years.

And that's horrible, right?  To doubt your husband so much.  So then I feel bad for doubting him and thinking he's lying.  But if he isn't lying, he's telling the truth and I can't seem to accept that.

I too obsess over things I did when I was in college, when I was in highschool, when I was a kid.  I advise other people to let go and move on and yet I can't seem to do it.  I seem to hold myself up to this impossible standard that I don't hold other people too.  And I keep thinking, "If I can just accomplish this one thing, I'll feel fantastic.  I'll feel perfect and successful.  If I can just get this one thing right, I can be a responsible adult."

So thank you for showing me I'm not the only person who feels this way.
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Avatar_m_tn
Dear Ash...

I have just read your post and it resonated with me. You are the only individual who has posted lately, thank heavens I have someone to chat to.

I became totally obsessed and fearful of doing wrong. Please, do not take the following the wrong way!

After a nasty episode in my life I decided a master reset was in order. I chose to do this through worship. Long story short, I took for granted that love of money (in my case) is seen by many (OBVIOUSLY the Church), as the root of all evil. I am a very much loved, well looked after, nurtured daughter of an investment banker, however; not understanding that obsessing with money is a failing, meant I could never address my actual wrong doing. Hence, a MASSIVE over compensation with EVERY mistake I could conceivably make. Maybe you have always quite innocently prioritised A wrong ideal? I think when you discover it you will smile.

God bless, I know you won't be kept suffering much longer.
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Avatar_m_tn
My step sisters and I began touching each other when we were very, very young. We would sneak into each-other's rooms at night. I also began masturbating at an extremely young age, and began looking at porn, also very young. As I grew into my teens, I began finding very, very young girls attractive. Young girls were a centerpiece to my sexual fantasies, and I even looked for pornography respective to this obsession. No doubt, I have committed multiple crimes from merely surfing the internet since I was 13. Though anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds make this much, much easier to confess than normal, the tendency to feel like a piece of **** will always remain. We're not bad people; we were born with tendencies we did not ask for. As for the two of us, we have been lucky; we have grown out of our tendencies that would otherwise garner scorn from society. Nonetheless, we're not the only ones; and many people out their struggle with the same tendencies, and will forever struggle until the day they day. Sympathy may be reserved, but empathy is for all.
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Avatar_m_tn
Wow, I cant believe there are people who battle with the same issue. Tara, I myself had "weird" child hood experiences. And I too worry about the most ridiculous things. Almost everything you have listed, stem to my anxiety attacks. I cant believe how similar we are actually. But I have come to the conclusion that we feel this way because its a form of self inflicting punishment. Truth is guilt is whats causing your mind to react the way it is. I know this because I punish myself constantly be filling my mind with negative and fearful thoughts sometimes subconsciously! You seem very normal, and should try and focus on the positive things in life. Your an artist as am I, thus use your creativity to release these feelings. I find painting to be a wonderful release. If that doesnt help just remember YOU ARE NOT a bad person. You deserve so much more than mean abusive thoughts that prevent you from living your everyday life. Im no doctor, but ill tell you this, your not alone.
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Avatar_m_tn
Wow, I cant believe there are people who battle with the same issue. Tara, I myself had "weird" child hood experiences. And I too worry about the most ridiculous things. Almost everything you have listed, stem to my anxiety attacks. I cant believe how similar we are actually. But I have come to the conclusion that we feel this way because its a form of self inflicting punishment. Truth is guilt is whats causing your mind to react the way it is. I know this because I punish myself constantly be filling my mind with negative and fearful thoughts sometimes subconsciously! You seem very normal, and should try and focus on the positive things in life. Your an artist as am I, thus use your creativity to release these feelings. I find painting to be a wonderful release. If that doesnt help just remember YOU ARE NOT a bad person. You deserve so much more than mean abusive thoughts that prevent you from living your everyday life. Im no doctor, but ill tell you this, your not alone.
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Avatar_m_tn
Tara,
I too have had a similar experience. I am male and a older male cousin led me in sexual acts that haunt me to this day. I try to put it out of my mind, but it makes me feel weird and uncomfortable around males. God has helped. Psalm 30 andpsalm142 have Ben of great comfort.
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Avatar_m_tn
Well damn guys I'm working through this myself right now... I feel paralyzed by my fear of having the potential to be a bad person. This fearful side of me keeps putting out images of all the terrible things I could do. It stinks - I can't just live spontaneously, because it yanks me back, reminding me of how I might do something bad if I just live like that.
One thing that helped was to imagine actually doing something "bad", then to see all the things in my subconscious that popped up to stop me from doing it. I realized that there are things that keep me balanced. But it's not enough. I feel like I need to fully understand my "bad" behavior before my fear will relax. Maybe there's a more elegant or simple answer, but I haven't found it... yet. I'll post again if I find anything else important to the solution. Thanks for all the ideas as well guys.
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Avatar_m_tn
I have experienced similar thoughts and feelings that you describe as well as similar sexual childhood experiences. I still struggle a lot with them and I know they're a huge impediment to my peace of mind in all my daily activities.

But I've recently found a bit of a path out of them that's really been helping me.

It seems to me that you have some inherent beliefs in the nature of good and evil and what a "good" person deserves and what an "evil" person deserves.

I think the first step is to remember that there is no such thing as a good person or evil person. There are just actions that cause harm and people who choose to do those actions and those who don't. It takes a lot of social conditioning to learn the difference between "good" and "evil." So, a child may commit an action without regard to consequences out of developmental immaturity that's natural in childhood. You wouldn't hate a nine year old girl for committing the same actions now, so don't hate yourself.

Also, (and I know this may sound backwards) you have to learn to love everyone and believe that everyone deserves love. Even if a person has brutally murdered thousands of people and feels no remorse, you must try to love that person for your own sake. Once you can show love and understanding to others by realizing that they're people and that they're fallible, you can turn that love inward to yourself and begin loving yourself again. You are just another person and you don't need to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders because you feel like you should be the exception to some rule. You don't have to be perfect.

Also, I'm going to leave you with a quote from Carl Jung, and I hope you can learn to accept what has happened in the past and move on. It is difficult to accept the shadow.

"My thoughts are not my self, but exactly like the things of the world: alive and dead. Just as I am not damaged through living in a partly chaotic world, so too I am not damaged if I live in my partly chaotic thought world. Thoughts are natural events that you do not possess, and whose meaning you only imperfectly recognize." - Carl Jung
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