fear of gossip and remorse over past actions

hello everyone.
i am a final year, female college student. when i was in high school, i went out with some boys. i neglected my studies to an extent and was more concerned about friends and boyfriends. i enjoyed a relatively happy school life, with great family relations, just like any normal adolescent.
even when i was going out with my first boyfriend, i often heard gossips about how i was of loose character.
most of these comments came from people i didn't know and still haven't talked to till date. these made me very sad and i found them very irrational for i exhibited no such deviant behaviour.
while the relationship with my 1st 2 boyfriends were outcomes of crush, the second one broke off after 1 month and went out with another girl immediately after, stating i was of loose character.
i was very sad at that time and still had not forgotten 2nd boyfriend. i was influenced by friends and i agreed to go out with the boys who asked me out after that. i was not even 'in love' with them but it was more of an attempt to ease the pain of 2nd boyfriend who was still with his other girlfriend. the other boys too were not 'in love' with me.
unwanted remarks no longer mattered anymore since people passing those remarks were doing more or less the same things that i was.
the last relationship ended when i was in twelfth grade and i didn't go out with anyone after that. while i was physically involved with the boyfriends, we did not 'go all the way through' as it's my wish to remain 'ok' till marriage. i also had the habit of providing details of my relationships with people i met; school friends and friends.
while i agree, most of the people i went out with were results of my immaturity, since the last 2weeks, this has been troubling me.
as compared to that time, i now focus on things that matter most in my life, career, studies, family, good friends.
where i live is a small place, and i come across people [about my age ] who gossip about my past actions. these people are friends of the persons i went out with and people i do not know. what troubles me is that, gossip is being done about my actions of about 6years ago and these people [who have had equally 'uneven' adolescence] do not talk about their own actions! [obviously]
so, recently, thoughts are always on my mind. i wonder what people think about me, nasty comments they might ask, etc.
i had a similar experience 2 years ago and i don't remeber how the mental stress went away. this time, it has been bothering me for a while and i do not feel at peace with myself.
i am currently a student, have good friends who more or less know about my past. my parents, i think do not know the details of my actions, though they were troubled by my lack of interest to studies at that time. i do not wish to cause them sadness by letting them know about it now. i have tried to stop thinking about the past few times but it does not seem to work. the thoughts keep coming back.
from the last relationship to now, i've had great high school friends and haven't had such mental stress before. i find it surprising how this is happening now.
if anyone could suggest something. i really want to reconnect with the present.

[specialmom]

You sound like you were a typical teenager and did things lots of girls do.  It stinks that you feel others remember and discuss it.  But I doubt they do as much as you think.  They are more likely discussing things that are currently going on than the past.  And your past does not sound that wild!  So try to keep that in mind.

As a student, you are getting on with your life and that is great!  Maybe school is more stressful right now (finals coming up?) and this is where your mind goes when you are stressed.  And the anxiety causes you to ruminate about things.  I'd stay focused on your school work and add in some exercise if you aren't doing it already as that releases a lot of stress in a natural way.  Your best bet for getting over the past is to continue to work on a  bright future and school is one of those ways.  

Do you think you'll be staying in that town?  Maybe when you are finished with your education, a change of venue might be good for the soul.  Whether you stay in your home town or not, I think a therapist could help you sort through some of your feelings about this.  Good luck

[hugandkisses]

Hi, I am 64 and I remember high school like it was yesterday[this is common] I did things that looked impropriety but in a small town it all counts. Hold your head  up cause you can't change what people think[I too loved school] and don't hide from anyone. You are young and so was I and the older you get so will they.  Life has its ways of equalizing.

[moomanoo]

Hey there.
I realize you must be stressed about what these people are saying, however, sometimes it's not as bad as you actually think it is.
Hold your head high, I don't believe you have actually done anything wrong, and it doesn't sound like you are or were of loose character. I think this is normal for most teenagers. And, believe me, alot of people have really bad pasts, and get talked about for it, (your's is not bad....), and in time, it stops and none of it matters.
Perhaps people talk because they are jealous, maybe of the guys you dated picking "you", and if any of it is coming from those guys themselves, it may be that you didn't go all the way with them, so now they talk, as though you are loose, because they are jarred! It'[s silly, but human's will be humans. You have done nothing wrong. The people talking have obviously got nothing better to do in their lives but gossip. And they wouldn't only be talking about you.... People can be cruel for all different reasons, even if they have done the same things as you. (Maybe to talk about you, even though you say they have done the same, is taking the focus off how they feel about themselves.)
Rise above them, try and ignore, know that within yourself you are a good person, enjoy life, it's too short, and stick with the ones who care about and love you.......

[abittroubled]

thank you for the replies.

to specialmom: as you mentioned, yes i have finals coming up. the last time, this was bothering me, i was having exams too. maybe it's the stress that's building up. i've been ignoring exercises. maybe this will help me relax a bit.
yes, moving was something i considered, but for my career, not because of gossips.
this would certainly be a good initiative to feel better. however, i am very attached to my family :) i often wonder how it'd feel to be away, alone, without them. of course, i understand the day will come, when i will definitely have to move. well, this is not an immediate issue. when the time comes, i will have to face it. also, there's the issue of whether or not to move back to hometown afterwards..
i don't know if i am prepared or really feel the need for a therapy. will the stress affect me to that extent?

to hugandkisses: thank you for providing a broader perspective on the matter. you are around my parents' age. i hope they never have to hear nasty comments about me, like i did. and i also hope i don't have to continually deal with such gossips and comments later on in life..

to moomanoo: actually, while i understand that just as other girls of my age [at that time] i went out with boys, gossips which came back to me were very distorted ones! while i know to what extent i was involved physically, i've heard gossips about how i've already 'gone all the way through' after 1-2 weeks of going out with boys! and these gossips originated from girls in my high school.
whenever, these comments reached me or my good friends, we tried to clear them up. some believed, some maintained their claims. in high school, i remember the 'looks' i used to have to face from girls and the 'whispering in ears'. that hurted a lot. but, there's no way to know who heard about what and if the misunderstanding can be cleared. it most certainly can't be cleared now, after all these years.

no. i am not in touch with any  ex boyfriend. the guys currently 'gossiping' are mostly the friends of the boyfriends. i seem to think they find it very pleasing to relate my past to their new college mates, who find it equally amusing to further the 'discussion'. however, although i hear very clearly what they talk about, i act like i don't.

to everyone: truly, the best immediate solution is to be with people who love and care. i tried to think about what matters most in the present and what i want to achieve in life to make my family proud and happy. but sometimes, the worries just pop into my head and it's bit difficult to get back to what's really important. :(  i hope the thoughts don't keep coming back to haunt me.
i'd like to point out that all the people i mentioned were gossiping about me are my age or 2-3 years older..
it also happens that i think whether i am the only one dealing with gossip. surely not. some people who gossip about me do have others who talk about them.  they don't even know me personally.. but do they understand how i feel hearing about nasty comments? would they like to hear such things about themselves?

[moomanoo]

I can't believe after this long, you are still carrying this crap around with you. It seems as though it's all you think about.
If you know they are all lies, get over it!!!!!!!! Move on, live your life.
If you are a good person, and telling the truth, how much can they possibly exaggerate these stories, enough for people to believe them, dislike you and do what you say they are doing? These idiots are not worth wasting youe thoughts and emotions on. If you think they are your friends, and they are saying things, think again, THEY ARE NOT TRUE FRIENDS!!!
Are you sure you are not a little bit paranoid?
Maybe you need councelling to deal with this, it seems like it is your life!
Move out of the town, and get a life..........

[mum2four]

I have OCD gosip fear and obsession's I cant stand people that talk about people behind there back and then say "but i dont talk about you" lol that just funny I want to tell them every though in my mind at that stage(I call that a feeling of RAR)

I'm not sure if this how you feel or if this is just an adverage social thing only you know how intence the feelings and concerns are only you know if you want to think and worry about the things you worry and think about.

If you feel you have lost control then I would say maybe talk to some people with OCD. the difference bettween anxiety and OCD is often the in tencity but also how in control you feel. If you have intrusive thought about people then it may be OCD your dealing with. In trusive basicly mean NOT wanted you try hard to get rid of them but thay get worse not better and you may even be doing thing to make them go away but they dont away this may be a compulsion some thing you do to hopfull make the anxiety go away.

take it easy

[mum2four]

i think you were a bit harsh there mate. maybe try to show some compasion or dont say anything at all.

[moomanoo]

I was compassionate in my first comment to this young girl, however, with her reply, she seemed to go around in circles.
Sometimes you gotta be cruel to be kind. I do know how she feels, I had similar happen to me when I was younger. All I'm saying is, you gotta move on. These things, and these people don't matter in life......
I think she needs counselling, even if she doesn't think so. I believe she has made these people's problems her own, not the way it should be...
People will be people, and bitchy girls will be just that. She needs to learn how to deal with it, or she will have problems for a long time..........She wanted people's opinions, and yes I agree, I was a bit harsh, but you aint gonna always like what people say!

[mum2four]

I'm sorry but you dont have to curle to kind at all and if you know anxiety going around in circles tends to be what happens when people with an anxiety disorder speicalling if they border on or have OCD.

No your not always gona like what people what but when they come to sites like this there often looking to get away from people that dont understand them.

[moomanoo]

I'm sorry if i hurt your feelings with my opinion.
It is only my opinion. All I'm saying is, you've got 2 choices: Ignore them all, and live your life. Or join them, and let it keep upsetting you (and let it ruin your life). Try what I say if you want, if you don't it's up to you.
I suffer from anxiety, paranoia and I'm slightly OCD myself, and all throughout my life I have dealt with people talking about me, because I'm not living a life like them (I don't really want to go into detail), as they obviously have nothing better to do except gossip.....And I'm not denying it has hurt me, made me even more paranoid, and done my head in many times. I am very sensitive, and get very hurt, offended, and upset at alot of things people say to me. But you must try and overcome this.
If I went along with you, and joined in your hurt, how, in the long run would that really be helping you?
I have been told many times to "HARDEN" up, and even that hurts, but, I know, the people who have said that to me, are concerned, and truly love me, and that it's for my own good. They, in their own way are trying to help/save you...... :-)

[mum2four]

I personal tell people to back off when/if they "harden up" I'm sorry that is compleatlt counter productive it tends to make people hide there feeling inside and not deal with them. That will not help you if hide your feelings.
I dont care if they say they love me or not. saying "harden up" if not an expression of love at all.

It's better to say "I'm here for you, but I cant do this for you, you need to find a way to help your self"

Constructive criticisim in one thing but just to say harden up how constructive is that. lol  its like seeing a person about to step off a curb when a car is comeing and just saying "oh wow she's could be hit" would not say watch out and reach out to pull them back if you could help. If that was your child or mum would that be aceptable to you.

[moomanoo]

I did not tell her to "harden up", I said that is what people have said to me!!!!
You seem to have blown this out of proportion, and are now attacking me out of anger, to do with your own life......
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and this is MINE!
All I am saying is, I have dealt with, and still am dealing with issues that both of you have, and this is what sometimes works for me.........I have thought the way you think, and said the things you say. I have a very loving and supportive partner who says things to me that I have said. It hurts sometimes, because it's simply the truth. The truth hurts. He always sees things from both sides, which we disagree about alot of the time. But I tell you, if he was like me, and not like he is, I would be a fully fledged nut job by now! And when I go on with all my paranoid & negative thoughts, full of anxiety, I drive him insane. So he tries to give me different options, that at times I say, no you are wrong, but deep down, I know he is right........
You seem to be way worse than me, so maybe you need some form of councelling yourself, and I don't mean that in a bad way, I say it out of concern.

[mum2four]

I know that and I was talking to you why would you accept you family and friend saying that you.

[moomanoo]

Why would someone who loves you let you wallow in self pity???? Doing more and more damage to yourself, and in turn those around you.....
Does your partner enjoy seeing you go through what you do? Does it make him happy to see you like that? Does he not do everything possible to try and make life better and happier for you?

[mum2four]

I kind of agree my partner does not give in to my fears he does not baby me but if said "harden up" in a serious or remotely serious manner I would tell him he was not helping and to back off till he could find better words to use.

i'm on 200mg of luvox(OCD med) and in therapy with a phycologist.

[mum2four]

You dont have to wallow in self pity over a person either that wont help but there is a middle balance. and some times that just mean changeing the words you use.

[mum2four]

I did not grow up with family and friends that showed effection towards me. there idea of showing love to me was to me I was crazy and needed to be locked up in a padded cell. My partner is the only one to show me unconditional love with out walling in my self pity.

I strongly beleaive that the words"harden up" are wrong words to use when you talking to people about anxiety.

[moomanoo]

When I said harden up, I meant the concept of it, not the actual words.
We both originally answered abittroubled to, in our own ways try and help her.
Now it has gone beyond that, and we are not helping her, or each other.
I wish you luck with your medication and therapy.

[mum2four]

It's hard for the word's "harden up" to come across in a positive way. Instead if you mean become emotional stable then use words like that, that the point I was trying to make.

[moomanoo]

You act like I said those words to you! I did not tell you to harden up. I am speaking about me, so don't take what I said as a personal attack on you....
For god's sake, I said I have had words of similar meaning to me. It has nothing to do with you!!!!!!!

[mum2four]

Why are you stressed out I never said anything bad to you. I just said basicly sometime we need to change out words to get our point accross.

If anything my OCD can cause me get protective over people when I feel there being treated wrong. If you think I was attack you over I think your taking it a little too personally serious.

And as for nothing to do with me it's a public web site.

[moomanoo]

I am not stressed, it seems you are. You can't get off the subject of "HARDEN UP"
And you actually told me I was being too harsh, and if I had nothing constructive to say, it's best not to say anything.
That was my opinion, and I believe you are actually reacting worse that abittroubled did.
Why don't you focus on the real reason you answered her, instead of trying to put me down and change my opinion.
And if it's a public website, then I too have the right to say as I choose.

[mum2four]

yer and your point is lol I have no idea why you think I'm stressed lol I used no negative words you assuming you know how I'm feeling you would know if I was stressed out trust me and as far as not being able to get off the subject I have OCD lol thats like saying why are you scared when you know the person has anxiety lol

[moomanoo]

Congratulations! You've successfully taken one person's problems/story, and turned it into your own!
My point is, I was not talking to you in the first place.