life is ruined, need help now

I will try to make a long story short.  I am a 40 yr. old woman whose life has completely fallen apart.  I have always been a little nervous, but it has never brought me down until the last yr.  Most of these problems are my own fault.  I will tell you that I have been hiding serious financial mistakes from my husband and worst of all my elderly mother who i am responsible for taking care of.  No, I have not been spending unreasonable amounts of $ or anything like that.  6 months ago i had to quit  my job so that i can handle my mother's dr. appts. and health.  Since then, i have made a complete mess of my finances and hers (we live with my elderly mother) I have been hiding this and just waiting for a way to fix it then tell everyone.  This guilt and hiding all of this has caused me to toally breakdown.  Things have come to a head and i am almost not functioning.  I can't tell any of my siblings because they have no idea that this is going on.  They think everything is great and compliment me on how well i take care of my mother.  This is really bad situation. I can not borrow money from anyone, i have terrible credit.  I told my husband yesterday that i need to check into a hospital because i am cracking, he doesn't understand.  I begged him to make some phone calls to borrow enough money to get us out of this mess, he refuses.  I have no health insurance.  I did not intentionally cause this mess, my intentions were good, thought i could handle it, but no.  My husbands check is being garnished for an old hospital bill.  I am not looking for sympathy at all.  I am no good to my children (22, 17 yrs. old) my mother or anyone else.  I am physically sick over this.  I cannot think of anything else.  I can't sleep i feel like my head is going to explode. I can't even call my local Mental health because my sister is a case manager there and she would be humiliated. we already have one sister that receives services there and is well-known in the local mental health community for her problems.  I have been trying to act normal for my mother and my daughter's sake, but  people rely on me.  Now my mother is going in for surgery next week and has pre-op work tomorrow, i have to carry on , buti amm thinking right now that ia m cracking.  One more day seems impossible.  Please, any advice on where to go from here.

[JSGeare]

There's your basic onion, alright.

Layer on top of layer.

You've come to the right place. Thanks for asking the question.

You have "somewhat" of an advantage here, because you know what the prime mover for your desparation is: you, evidently, messed up the finances. And so, you ahve whatever practical problems THAT presents, PLUS everyone's assumption that you're doing a great job PLUS your husband's lack of cooperation PLUS ... you know what I mean.

There are several approaches to handling this situation. I don't know exactly what you did with the finances, so I can't advise you there. I was, however, very involved in finances at one time, and would happy to respond to any private inquiry you care to make.

As to whether or not you are doing a good job, lets get our prioroties in order her, kiddo. Does mom love you? Does she appreciate your faithfulness and efforts on her behalf? Is she as reasonably comfortable as you can make her. Betcha the answer is "yes." And THAT's really what this is all about.

Now, lets move on to "fault." Yes, yes, yes, of course you did it. But the nasty word, "fault," usually implies some degree of intent or stupidity or ultimate responsibility which in fact is not really there. Fault calls upon blame and nobody gets any traction, no solutions, on those two things. As long as you have acted with integrity and honesty, and di the best you could at the time, you can hold your head high and let the devil take thr hindmost.

You mention that your sibling are in the dark. I'll bet you there is one with whom you COULD share what has happened; ask for comfort and solace -and also ask for strength and support. Think it over and let us know who that might be.

Mental Health? Why not go directly to your sister and lay it all out? Why should she be humiliated. Isn't it probable that -when it all DOES come out- she'll ask why you didn't come to her sooner?

That concern in particular, Jean, suggests you may be doing some emotional over-reaching. It is your sister's responsibuility to deal with your sister's humiliation -if she even experiences any, which I doubt. I want you to very carefully look at everything and pull away anything you added just because of your state of mind. Example: "I am no good to my children (22, 17 yrs. old) my mother or anyone else." That is probably not true.

And I want you to consider a chat with sister -or at the least a visit to mental health, with a "heads-up" to her as a courtesy. The mental health people will also be able to point you to resources for the money part.

Part of the problem here is that you have that "deer in the headlights" thing going on, and you do need to act.

So -act.

We are riding with you. Stay in touch.

[jean40]

Thank you so much for responding.  Everything that you said is exactly what has been running through my mind.  Yes, my mother's health is my main concern, so I do take very good care of her in that area.  I know that she loves me very much, she would defend me if I were a serial killer!  It is the deception that I can't get past.  How do I lay all of this out to anyone?  My sister would be totally floored, she really believes that I am in control.  She feels comforted that she can go to work and maintain her family life without the added stress of caring for our mother's needs.  This is something that she told me, I am not assuming.  Here is what I have done with the finances.  My mother is a very stressed out, worried person with a heart problem.  She can't handle bad news.  About 4 months ago when the bills kept piling up and her check only stretched so far and I had quit my job, I started telling her that things were paid when they weren't.  I pay most bills online and I was keeping them up, even if they were paid later than I told her.  Then, she was sending out payments to her credit card companies and about that time she started getting overdraft fees at the bank.  I now can't pay any bills from her S.S. check because the bank matter is just starting to get straightened out.  She had a few bounced checks that we took care of, but it was a huge mess.  She has no idea that our light bill, phone bill, cable, and one of her life insurance policies are behind.  These are things that I normally handle.  There are more details I could give, but I think that you probably get the idea.  I guess I just don't know how to tell anyone this.  Do I tell her first?  Do I go to my sister first?  My Mom is not senile or anything like that, she is aware of everything, but she totally trusts me and doesn't question it because of that.  Like I said, not looking for sympathy or anything, just advice.  Thanks so much for your response.

[JSGeare]

Sorry to tell you this, but I also have sympathy, so deal with it.

OK, Jean your head is on straight. Are you telling me, basically, that your mother's social security is insufficient to pay her bills? And so you must add your own money? You may prtefer to answer through a private message, but meanwhile, there MAY be an exit.

Reverse mortgage. If your mother owns her home, the reverse mortgage can provide a big influx of cash el quicko. Talk to your bank about it. If not, we can look at other assets, but it is unwise to discuss these things openly.

Your sister's remark, while genuine, may not reflect her willingess to be more active in the support process. And, if she's a mental health professional, she certainly is acquainted with the stress impact on YOU. If she'll hear you out, I suggest you get with her privately to lay out the problem. That doesn't mean you are asking her to write a check -you simply need someone you can trust to talk to, because you are nervous and scared. OK, ten lashes for not being more prudent, but at the end of the day we still have care of mother and the bills.

I get it that the loss of trust and the deception is eating you alive, and thus, your disclosure of the situation is really the only thing you can do. But Jean, you already know that.

What you also need to know is that your mother will still love you after all is said and done, and respect you for your honesty and courage.

That you have come here is such a sure sign of the importance of this to you. That's the best news. Your head and heart are exactly in the right place.

Now, get your thoughts in order -toss out the gratuitous "I'm an idiot" stuff and present this to sister or mother or both. It is unclear to me how much your husband is aware of.

But that, I'm sure, is another story.

I'll be watching for your news.

[jean40]

Thanks for the kind comments.  Yes, you are right.  It is time for me to fess up and admit that financially I have been over my head.  I just wish that I would have done this months ago before I allowed this to become the mess that it is.  My mother does already have a reverse mortgage, which got her out of very bad credit card debt years ago, before I moved in.  She has since acquired more credit card debt (not all that much, but enough to hurt), but has finally realized it is time to put them to rest for good. She has not used them in months and probably never will again.  Yes, my husband is another story.  Not a bad person really, but does not wish to be bothered with any thing that is unpleasant.  We have been married 22yrs. and I have always handled any type of financial mess that we ran into, but I am in over my head now.  I can not rely on him, he is totally out of the loop and does not care to be involved. He works and he feels that this is all he needs to do.  I so appreciate your comments and advice.  I already feel better.  While I was away from the computer I was making a list of things and matters that need to be dealt with asap.  I am going to see my sister tomorrow night and will ask for her advice, outside of her work environment. She does have $, but you are right, I am not going to ask her to borrow it or bail me out.  I have never borrowed $ from my siblings, I do not think that I could have the nerve to ask.  No, none of by siblings (there are 4 of them) are willing to devote much time to helping out, this is why I ended up leaving my job, which I loved.  Unfortunately it was 40 miles away from home, which made it hard to be available for my mother's medical needs. I am the youngest of 5 children. Sometimes I feel like I am the oldest because they seem to be living the lives that they want to.  That sounds terrible, I really don't resent them, but they just aren't involved.  Sorry so long.  I will keep you posted.  

[JSGeare]

Jean, Jean, Jean!

Just right, just perfect! I'm so proud and so completely unsurprised by your choices. Good! And it DOES feel better, doesn't it? You absolutely KNOW you are doing the right thing. You have positively made my day!

I get it about your husband, and his choices are probably his psychological defense; let it alone -it is what it is.

Sorry I'm late with the reverse mortgage idea. For now, you may benefit from a session with a financial counselor who can help map out the practicalities of dealing with the current problems. Walk and talk -find out who and where. Maybe the local Department of Social Services can point you in the right direction, maybe a friend who works at a CPA's office -maybe -you know what to do.

Now listen to me: let us say that your sister blows her top and the whole session sort of blows up in your face. I doubt it, but let's just pretend.

Jean -what matters is what YOU do. What everyone else does is their repsonsibility. Your responsibility is what Jean does.

And what she does is entirely her business -and she's doing the right thing.

I'm begging you to let me know how it all comes out. Sleep well tonight, Jean -you've made all the right choices.

[JSGeare]

Andddddd?????

[jean40]

Hi JS. Just an update on how things are going.  Well, I lost my nerve to discuss these problems with my sister.  She sells jewelry on the side, so actually Fri. night at her house, this was for a jewelry party. I guess the timing was just bad.  I kind of said some rude comments to 2 of my sisters that night.  Nothing really obvious, just sarcasm.  My mother's surgery has been postponed until this Thursday because the local hospital won't do the surgery because they said she is too much of a risk for them, so we have to wait for an opening at a regional hospital.  Well, we found all of this out Friday afternoon, yet when I see my sisters, they do not even ask about her condition or ask how the latest appt. went.  My poor mother went with me to the party and I could tell that she wanted to talk about this.  So, I just came out and said "I don't know if you guys remember or not, but Mom is having surgery and it has been postponed."  They caught the sarcasm but still went on with their nonsense talk about jewelry and petty things.  It is driving me crazy.  How can adults be so thoughtless.  Our Mom has been a wonderful parent, so this is not why they are acting this way.  I finally broke down and told my husband that we are going to have to divorce if he can't attempt to help me out of this.  I didn't yell or scream, I just calmly told him the facts.  I think that he is finally taking it seriously. Said he is going to tap into some possible resources , who knows how that will go.  Another question for you, how does Xanax work?  I have never taken it before, but my mother was prescribed it Friday because of all of her stress.  She can see that I am stressed out, but she doesn't know why.  She is trying to get me to take some of hers.  I know this is wrong, but she is just worried about my state of mind.  Should I take some?  Will they help?  Still out of mind with worry, maybe this is the answer?  Temporarily anyhow.  Sorry so long.  I know that everyone has problems, that is why I am here instead of spouting my issues with other people.  I do read the other posts and find comfort in knowing that there are others out there trying to deal with similar problems.  Thank you for listening.

[MrGreen]

Xanax is a very mild form of relaxant. Normally given to people by a doctor in advance of putting them on something a lot stronger. They come in 2 strengths mainly. 1mg ( purple colour ) and .5mg ( white colour ). Hardly any side effects at all. But addictive tablet and if you stay on it long enough you may find it hard to stop taken. Just read a lot of the posts about users trying to come off xanax. They are meant to only given out for between 8 - 12 weeks by a doctor. But so many people ( myself included ) have been on them for years. They just relax you.

[jean40]

Thanks for responding MrGreen.  I have decided not to take another person's prescription anyways.  Especially when it is something that i have never taken before.  Too risky. They are seeming to help my mother though. She has not had to take any nitroglycerin since she has been taking them at night.  I do believe that I need something, but will obtain it legally under Dr. supervision eventually.

[Gelid]

I found that fessing up is waay better than the stress of living a lie. It was good advise, to come clean about your situation. Yeah, it's not easy, but neither is hiding these things, and it's not detramental to your health and state of being.

Just be honest to those who can help you, and take it one day at a time.

[greenlydia]

Jean........first off, DO NOT take any of your mother's Xanax!  Not only because it's a bad idea to take another persons meds, Xanax is a very bad med! If you need something to temprorarily get you through this, which I think would be a good idea, ask your doc for something way less dangerous than Xanax. Personally, I'd discuss your mother's use of this drug with her doctor as well. There are just too many options out there......Xanax should be on the bottom of that list!
The fact that you are the youngest of five and seem to be the ONLY one who cares about (or FOR) your mother is very telling. Your husband may be a great guy in many ways, but he's sure dropping the ball here! I'm sorry, Jean, but I think you are surrounded by an entire herd of insensitive and selfish jerks! All of these people are watching you go through hell, virtually falling apart in front of them, your husband can't seem to be "bothered" and your sibs apparently care more about cheap bling than you or their mother! And on top of all of this, you are concerned that you might embarrass your sister in the mental health field if you seek help through her agency. Jean, Jean..........you poor soul! You think of everyone but yourself. You put everyone and their feelings before your own and look where it's landed you! You are a train wreck. But you are also incredibly intellegent to come to this forum for help. So STOP, RIGHT NOW, putting yourself down for whatever mistakes you may have made with the finances. They can be fixed. They WILL be fixed. I have no idea what your family dynamics are. Are you on good terms, for the most part, with your sibs? How does your husband fit into that mix? Perhaps it's time for a family meeting where you just lay it all out, say you screwed up and now you need help to get things right again. Sounds overly simplistic even as I write it, but you can't keep all this angst bottled up inside you any longer and you absolutely must stop blaming yourself. Your heart is too big for your own good and it's time now to get a little "down and dirty!" Is there someone in your family, an aunt or uncle or perhaps a clergy person or an old trusted family friend who could perhaps act as a mediator in this family "conversation?" Someone who knows all the facts and will be able to remain unbiased? Sounds like you could use someone there to cover your back, lend you support. JSG has some great ideas, wisdom. I just fear that if you don't find a way to resolve this soon, you will lose a marriage and your own health. You say your mother is still lucid. If you have a good and loving relationship with her, that's where I'd start. I'd go to her and spill my guts. She, of anybody, knows that you have not intentionally squandered her money! She knows better than anyone how much love and care you have given her, including giving up a job you loved. Who else in your family has made such a sacrifice for her? I am a bit of a hot head, Jean, and my ideas may be really off the mark, but what you are going through, what you're putting yourself through is just so unfair, I am really angry FOR you! You are being treated very badly by everyone, it seems, except your mother. I don't really know Jean...........I don't think you've done anything wrong and I think you deserve one hell of a lot more help from your family. I wish you so much, Jean. Peace of mind, first. Good luck. Keep us posted. We care more than you know..........we're all in a leaky canoe of one sort or another!
Greenlydia

[jean40]

Thank you so much for this honest advice.  I believe that you are totally correct, although I do accept responsibility for letting things snowball.  I have learned my lesson as far as the financial part goes.  My husband borrowed some money from his boss Friday, this allowed me to take care of some of the bills.  His boss only deducts $50 out of each paycheck to repay the loan, and no interest.  I do appreciate that he asked his boss, but he acts like it is a huge sacrifice and is throwing it in my face now.  I can deal with that.  My Mom had the surgery Thursday and came home Saturday.  She is doing fine.  My siblings are very responsible and kind people, but they simply do not feel any guilt over how they ignore and neglect spending time with our mother.  They all love her, but it is just a very strange situation.  A part of me thinks that they like to remain clueless on her health issues.  Maybe I am the one that is wrong for believing that you must give up things for your elderly parents, just as if they were your children.  Of course this is only if you have good, caring parents, which we did.  No, I really don't have anyone for a mediator.  Have been considering counseling at church though. I am taking all of this advice into consideration.  I believe you on the Xanax, I didn't take any, but seriously considered it!!!  I can honestly say that in the short time that I have been posting on this site, I already feel like a weight has been lifted.  I still know that I made many mistakes and need to fix them, but I am starting to realize that it is not all of my fault.  My family (including my husband) need to step up to the plate and make some sacrifices of their own.

[greenlydia]

Bravo Jean! From your first post to this one, I can tell that you have begun to calm down and see things in a different light. I am so glad that what has been posted here has helped you in some small way. I am happy to hear that your husband finally became involved in your struggle and did something to help. But.........you say he is "throwing it in your face!" Why oh why should you have to "deal with that?" It is a cruel and insensitive thing he is doing to you! You already have too much on your plate, and now this! I will keep further opinions of your husband to myself, at least until your head is finally above water.
Accept the responsibility for the financial mess, but at the same time, accept the fact that you were given a load too heavy for one person to handle. You did the very best you could, you acted out of the goodness of your heart, with no malice intended. You say your sibs are "very kind and responsible people." I'm sorry to have to disagree with you on this assessment. That they apparently wish to remain "clueless" as to her physical condition does not speak to me of "kind and responsible" people. Nor does the fact that they have also not contributed one sou for your mothers care or given any thought to the sacrifices they are quite content to let YOU make. You say it is a strange situation. I'd say that was a bit of an understatement. Is there something else you are not telling us? If they love her, as you claim they do, how can they turn their backs on this situation? I know you have kept much of this hidden from them because you feel as if you have failed. You have done nothing of the sort! You may have let things get away from you, which financial things can do very quickly, especially when it comes to dealing with someone else's bills/money/care/health............but fail? No way! You have had absolutely no support. This entire responsibility was laid on YOUR back. That is unfair and something that your sibs (and your husband should be ashamed of!) Jean, there comes a time in all our lives when we become the adults to our parents. That it seems you are the only one in your entire family who was willing to accept this and make the sacrifices necessary to take care of the woman who nurtured all of you so well speaks volumens about the kind of person YOU are. YOU are NOT wrong in your thinking that when the time comes, we must sacrifice for our parents as they did for us. That your sibs are unwilling to make even the smallest of "sacrifices," such as spending time with their mother, says a great deal about who they are. I can't help but feel tremendous hurt and anger for you that everyone in your life has seemingly abandoned you. They have obviously made you feel uncomfortable enough that you can't talk to them about what has happened and expect, or at the very least, hope and trust them to rally around you and your mother and help you out of this situation. I am glad to hear you have some possible support through your church. I urge you to seek that help and support immediately! You need it, Jean. You need to lay this burden down and you need to stop being a door mat to your husband! I do NOT like how he is treating you! If he loves you, no matter if he thinks all of this is your fault...........he should be there to help and support you. I know he's borrowed the money, but it should not be thrown in your face. I hope this is something you will discuss with the conselor at your church as well as the financial problems. Your self-esteem has been kicked around enough! And it is long past the time that your family should have stepped up to the plate! Do not be afraid of them or the things they may say to you. Think about the things you need to say to THEM! AND THEN SAY IT!
I am very happy to hear that your moms surgery went well and that she is on the road to recovery. How many of the sibs showed up at the hospital? How many brought over dinners for you so that YOU also didn't have to cook on top of everything else? How many offered to sit with your mom so you could get out for a few hours of much needed relaxation? Has any of them offered to do the shopping or help with the cleaning? My best guess to all these questions is a resounding NO!
I hope that JSGeare will appear here again with some possible financial advice since he mentioned that he was once involved in that.
My heart goes out to you, my friend. Be strong, stand up for yourself. It's time for others to make some sacrifices. Keep posting please. We care.
Greenlydia