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Avatar universal

live in hell

My life has been absolute hell since i had my twins 6 years ago. I have done research and talked to many women since.So much research, that i am practicaly a doctor and pharmacist.  I could type for hours about what I
have been going through I'll try to make it short.  The day after I had them I started to have panic attacks and feel like an anlien. Really, an alien.  I don't feel like a person anymore.  Anyway, I came to the conclusion that my female hormones were to blame because of the sudden shock of plumating estrogen after having twins.  I also had a tubal ligation and wasn't sure if that was it.  So I came to the conclusion that I wanted to have a hysterectomy and have hormone replacement.  So many women said they were soooooo much better after that, no more anxiety or panic attacks.  Well it's been four months and I still feel like a freak..  I am taking estrogen right now and i feel like I am getting more out of touch with reality.. I feel like I'm in a cartoon.  Everything looks fake.  I have also tryed a zillion antidepressants and they make me feel even more like an alien.  I can't seem to take anything without feeling so freaked out.  I am at the end of my rope and don't know what to do anymore.  I still think I need hormones but I don't know how much.  I feel so bad tonight that I don't want to be alone. I don't trust myself sometimes because I would just like to end it sometimes, but I don't because I love my kids too much to do that to them.  Being alive is much more scary than dying.  Can anyone help me before I give up?





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Avatar universal
I know how u feel. I developed severe anxiety and panic attacks hours after giving birth to my first son 6 years ago. I felt like a alien too. Out of touch with reality, dizzy, short of breath. Chest and stomach felt like it was caving in. Too many symptoms to list. After 2 weeks of giving birth I was a wreck! They put me on an estrgen patch and Zoloft but I was too afraid of it so I only took it a day. I lived on Ativan for a year and then got pregnant and began to feel good again. The anxiety returned about 5 months into the pregnancy full force and I promised to try an antidepressant again. I took Zoloft and after 2 weeks I felt 50% better and after 4 weeks I felt 100% better. It lasted 2 1/2 years and about a week before I turned 30, BOOM it started all over again. Upping my Zoloft to 175mg didnt even help. I have tried several antidepressants, LENS neurofeedback, supplements, homeopathic remedies like Sepia which did help somewhat but cant stay on it long, and BCP. The birthcontrol pills took my anxiety away for 3 months and I was able to get off Ativan but then it returned. I feel lost and dont know what else to do.It makes me depressed thinking I may never get better.
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968908 tn?1274871115
Thank-you, i did have a look last night regarding estrogen and progestrone and i'm not sure???? My periods are regular, like clockwork... i do however get alot of PMS symptoms, more so over the last several months of extremely sore boobs... I'm 35 nearly 36, but these things i've expereinced have been going on since i was 19 when i first had my intial breakdown, however looking back everything did start to sprial out of control when i hit puberty...about 14/15yr yeah i was a late starter..lol

I have had loads of tests over the yrs for my thyroid, all have come back normal.... the only test that has ever come back with a question mark is my glucose level... to which i had a GTT, glucose tolerance test and it came back as i was glucose intolerant, not quite diabetic but pre-diabetic...... and i do know when my blood sugar is low i feel very anxious!!
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Avatar universal
Thanks for all the info. I have had my thyroid and estrogen levels checked and they are both "within normal range" In my opinion anxiety is caused by some kind of chemical imbalance and not always serotonin like they say. All the AD's make me so worse. I cant stand it. I wish I knew what they outcome would be for me if I have the hysterectomy. They want me to have it b/c I have alot of lower back pain due to a bad tilted uterus and ovarian cyst. I had the oblation done and that didn't help at all. I still have my period. I had 3 c-sections and every time some kind of scar tissue was causing problems. The last time with my oblation my uterus attached to my abdominal wall. I was supposed to go back 2 months ago to see my OB and talk about the hysterectomy but I am scared and I don't have insurance at the moment. If I knew I would be one of the lucky women to do it and feel so much better I wouldn't hesitate but I am so scared it will make my anxiety and panic attacks worse. I hope you can get the appropriate dose of estrogen figured out with your OB. There has to be an answer for all of us somewhere. I just hope that we can find it soon. It is not only hard on us but on our families as well. I feel like my kids suffer so much b/c I don't feel like doing all the things that I used to. At this point it is hard for me to take them to their activies and when I do I have to have my husband with me in case I "flip out" This is so scary  and unfair. I pray for everyone going through this torturous H$LL
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Avatar universal
Hi, I was hoping that list would get someones attention.  There is alot more in the book than that, more in depth descriptions of the symptoms and there's more symptoms than that too.  There is also a list of benafits when you need hormones and take them.  There is some pretty good stuff.  I will write those in here too when I can.  
You can get hormone tests, but most of the time they say they are in normal range.  That's because your hormones fluctuate all day and there is a wide range of "normal" hormone levels.  Sometimes the hormones can be at 0 or close to that then they will try to help you.  Normal for one woman can be very different from another woman.  So basicaly if you have a normal range but still think you are not normal.  You have to push this on your doctor.  You can also have your thyroid checked.  You can be really messed up from those hormones too.  There are many tests for that.  I don't know all of them but I had alot of them done, like the T3,T4 and the T Free tests.  You can look up thyroid on the computer to get more info on that.  I was reading it the other night, but it got way to late and I was rum dummy from being on the computer too long.  All of my test came back normal for that several times, but I think normal for one person is not normal for another.  And your thyroid hormones can also be affected by your female hormones.  It gets so complicating because everything ties in together. If one thing is off it affects everything else!!!!  So what do we do?  We try to figure it out ourselves then go to the doctor and hope they will agree on what we say, then maybe they try to help.  Doctors are supposed to take care of us, but I learned a long time ago that you have to be your own doctor basicly.  Sad, isn't it!!!!

How old are you?  You can start perimenopause as early as 25.  So I suggest getting some hormones checked.  That would be a start.  Actually, do some research on the web about the thyroid too.  Hope you get the answers you need and the help you need too.  I wish you all the best, and write to me as much as you want about anything!!!
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968908 tn?1274871115
I know you wrote this for muma23babies but WOW!!! boy am i looking forward to the menopause now..er NOT!!! lol.  You know i get some of the symptoms, i do have forgetfulness, when i first developed the panic attacks i would totally forget where places were and i would be walking down my road and suddenly forget where i am, i wouldnt have a clue where my house was leaving me freaking out.  This hasn't happened though since coming off of the Paxil, i was on that for 12yrs, came off in March this yr and all hell has broke loose.  I would also be in the middle of talking and suddenly totally forget what i was chatting about and stare blankly at the other person, they would try to remind me of what i was saying but for the life of me i just couldn't retrace my convo making me feel very uncomfortable and looking crazy.  I def have mood swings......

So, could this be a hormonal inbalance??  Can the doc find this out simply by doing a blood test or does other tests need to be done??  Wow.... this could be a ray of light shining through that big black hole of doom... i'm gona go have a look on the net.... Thank you!! I know i haven't had a hysterectomy but there could be something going on that i dont know about....





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Avatar universal
Well i made sure i logged in this time.  I sure learned my lesson on that one.  Boy it was a rough night and morning, I didn't get to sleep until about 600am. Then the kids woke me up at 830am. I didn't get back to sleep until about 1100am after doing some crying of course.  Then I finally got up at 330pm.  I hate being in bed and wasting my time with my family!!!!!  
Anyway, why does your doctor want you to have a hysterectomy?  I have not got rid of my   anxiety and panic yet.  I have been using an estrogen patch for about 2 weeks now and I don't really know if it's helped yet.  As a matter of fact, I have had some really bad days lately (worse than usual).  I read in my pill book that estrogen can sometimes interfere with some meds and I think it is messing with my Ativan that I've been taking for 6 years now.  So I think I am having some withdrawl symptoms like extra bad anxiety and panic.  I have had the unreality feeling alot and that is one of the worst symptoms for me.  I wanted to jump off a bridge a few nights ago.  Not a good night.  I have a book called Menopause and the Mind and it has all the symptoms listed of when there is estrogen loss in some women.  I have all of the symptoms, and there are a lot of them.  I am 99.9% sure that I got this way because of my sharp decline in estrogen after having my twins.  It all started the day after they were born.  I would feel normal then not then normal then not.  Eventually it settled into the freaked out feeling and has been that way ever since.  
I just did some touch up reading in the menopause book and she said that sometimes it can take up to 3 months to get the results you want so I will stick it out for a few more months and see what happens.  I don't have the hot flashes as bad since I started the patch.  I already can't sleep and the sweats were an added nightmare.  
Here are some symptoms in the book: Losing train of thought midstream, "What did i come in here for"  2. Less consistent agility in concentrating with focused effort  3.  Feeling foggy, hazy or cotton headed 4. Hard to prioritize 5.  Changes in speech like naming difficulties, at a loss for words, tip of tongue phenomenon, wrong words popping out, reversing words, forgetting words that you always use,  miss placing things, miss placing things and not remembering that you did it, distracted easily, can't spell a word that you've used your whole life, short term memory and long term memory problems, blank outs while you are speaking,  glitches while driving, The droppsys, handling stress differently, looking at something and not seeing it, forget what you've just read, forgetting where places are that you've known for years,  losing your timeline of your life experiences,  POSSIBLE EMOTIONAL OR MOOD SYMPTOMS; less control of moodiness, flattened emotion (can't sound upbeat even when you try), depression, rapid  mood shifts, increased anger compared with the past, less of a desire for closeness with loved ones, anxiety/restlessness"vibrating with tension', THE NEW ONSET OF PANIC DISORDER AND POSSIBLE AGORAPHOBIA, suicidal thoughts or intentions, feelings of paranoia, psychotic symptoms such as hallucinations,delusions,psychotic obsessions  POSSIBLE PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS; new onset of migraines, fatigue(in animal and/or human research studies estrogen has been found to be both a physical and a mood activator or energizer and to act as an antidepressant.), chronic fatigue, symptoms of rheumatoid arthritis, symptoms of osteoarthritis, symptoms of fibromyalgia, heart palpitations, restless legs, angina (chest pains), a change in skin sensitivity to fabrics and the touch of another person ( I HAVE HAD THIS FROM THE BEGINNING AND IT IS SO WEIRD) diminished sexual desire, vaginal dryness, vaginal itchiness, hot flashes or hot fluches fo heat with sweating, nighttime awakenings without hot flashes and difficulty falling back to sleep, decreased metabolic rate and weight gain, increased fat on stomach and hips, urination symptoms, more frequent bladder and vaginal infections, increased risks of developing heart disease, tooth loss,risk of colon cancer, increased risks of osteoporosis
These were all possible symptoms of estrogen loss,  only some women are sensative to estrogen loss, some are very sensative to it, like me.  I have talked to many women about their hystectomies and everyone of them said they feel better than they have in their whole lives, most of them take estrogen.  I hope it works for me.  I met a woman in the doctors office and she asked me if I was going to take estrogen after my hyster. and I asked why and she said she thought she was going crazy in the hospital before they gave her some.  I used to tell my husband in the begging that I wanted myself back.  I mean I really don't feel like a person anymore,  everything feels different, looks different and even tastes different.  When I hug someone it doesn't feel the same, that is really hard to deal with since I need that touch so much.  I say if you need a hysterectomy to save your life you'd better do it, and if you get one you should see how you feel afterwards and tell your OB.  It has taken me a long time to type all of this and I hope it helps you and others too.  There are some people that right on these comments and say that estrogen has nothing to do with anxiety and panic. They obviously haven't read this book and done the research that I have.  I'm not saying that everyone that has anxiety has hormonal problems but it is VERY possible for most women.  I will probably write more some other time but my neck is killing me now and my kids keep bugging me for things like food, how dare they want to eat!!!! HAHA!!!!
Look forward to hearing from you!!
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Avatar universal
Sorry you lost your information. I was looking forward to your story.
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968908 tn?1274871115
P.s  i have developed an allergy to anti-d's, have tried 5 different 1's over the last 3 months and all have totally messed me up.  So i take Diazipam and Risperidone as an when needed.  I would love to take it all the time but we all know how addictive benzos r.... so i only take it when i feel like jumping off the local brigde to calm myself down..lol

I'm soooo sorry that you find sleeping so hard Dani, you must be just sooo exausted!!!!! how do u manage on sooo little sleep??
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Avatar universal
I am really upset right now, I just wrote a whole bunch of stuff to you, but because I wasn't logged in to my laptop,  the whole dang thing is gone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  It is 315am right now so I'll have to right it again tomorrow. It took me 45 min to write all of that stuff and I can't do it again right now sorry.  Hope you have a nice day.  I am going to try to sleep now, but we all know how that goes!!!!!!!!!  I can't believe I just wrote all that stuff and it's gone!!!!  MY neck is killing me too.  Talk to you tomorrow or later today actually.
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968908 tn?1274871115
Haha... i hate that when u have a crappy song going round and round ur head and no matter what u do it just wont shut up... the other night i had the telly tubbies tune making me go crazy and i had this vision of the telly tubbies doing break dancing!!!! all thanks to my 6yr old who just had to watch it earlier that day.....pppffff.

Anyway, to mumababies23 and everyone else i just wana say a little something.... I'm a single mum with no real family or friends who help me out, the father of my children don't help in a practical or financial way so everything is left on my shoulders... i'm sure this is a part of the reason as to why i'm struggling with severe anxiety, panic disorder and agoraphobia BUT it can be done.  Not having a husband is lonely but i just wana give you all a glimmer of hope that you would be able to cope if they wern't there....I thought i wouldn't but somehow i get through each day and the children give me the strength to go on!!  It's amazing what can be done, we think we can't do it but when it's really important and a matter of life or death we can find strength from somewhere deep within......

xxx
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Avatar universal
Hi I am a 26 yr old mother of 3 and suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. Mine started a few months ago after stopping hydrocodone for pain reasons. They think that caused it but are not sure. I know how hard it can be to care for children feeling the way we do. Like you if it wasn't for my husband I would lose it. I am so afraid to be alone. He has been home from work with me for a month and a half now b/c I just can't do it by myself. I am starting to feel better some days but I hate the bad days.

I can't take the AD's either they all make me worse. I take xanax as needed but I haven't had to take it but a few times lately. I am so scared to get addicted to something else.

My OB thinks I should have a hysterectomy but I am so scared of the HRT. I have also heard that some women get worse emotionally after a hysterectomy. Do you think it helped you or made you worse??

I hope you start to feel better soon!!!!
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Avatar universal
I was also up until the sun came up, I can't get to sleep until at least four or five each morning then I get up at 630 to get twins ready for school.  I don't get back to sleep until about ten or eleven then get up about two.  I really really hate bed time because sooooooooooooooooo many different things keep me from getting to sleep no matter how tired I am.  My mind just won't shut up and I always have some dang song stuck in my head.  It really ***** when it's a bad song haha. Hope you have a great day.
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Avatar universal
thanks for writing julie.  Yes I had a hysterectomy, but it wasn't because of the panic and anxiety.  I had it done because I had big fibroids and a slew of other dangerous problems.  I know you're probably thinking that the panic was because I was scared of taking care of twins, which we both know is a major undertaking.  I am totally convinced that something physical happened when I had them.  It was the day after I had them that all hell broke loose.  During that day I would feel normal then not then normal then not.  It was like a roller coaster all day until it finally settled into feeling like someone from another planet.  I've been that way ever since.  I believe it shocked my system to have my hormones drop so dramaticly after birth of not just one but two babies.  I have done tons of research on hormones and the body and mind.  Estogen has a million functions in the body and mind. Hardly any doctors know about this and what to do to help women with this problem.  They always tell me to see a head doctor.  I have for six years and the only thing I can take is Ativan (anxiety meds).  Now not only am I a freak I am dependent on Ativan, it's very addictive, but it's not like I pop pills any time I want I only take three a day as perscribed.  I am so affraid to get addicted to more than that, so I am very strict with my meds.  I wish I could take an antidepressant but they mess with my head way too much..  When you take HRT you have to find the right amount for you and I just hope I can find it.  I can't take much more of this hell.  My whole family suffers too and thats what hurts the most.  My kids are everything to me and my husband, so giving up is no option here. I am reallyyyyyyyyy affraid of losing my husband because I would be in such a bad place that I would end up in the hospital and wouldn't be able to take care of my family.  So it is my worst fear by far.  I am in the US by the way. Thanks for writing. Hope you have a nice day.
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968908 tn?1274871115
Hi dani202, i am so sorry ur going through such an awlful time.  I too have twins now 13yrs, sadly i had anxiety and panic attacks before i gave birth but managed to go onto Paxil when they were 6 months as i felt alot like urself, being a single mum with no help from family or friends i felt soooooo overwhelmed.  But i guess it could of been worse as they were extremely good babies, very quiet and contented but as you know babies of any kind take all ur time and effort and we had to cope with two.

So did u have a hysterectomy?? I'm amazed that the doctors would aggree to this, i have never heard of this being done to stop anxiety and panic attacks... does this really work???? Do they take your overaies as well or just ur womb???  

Also out of interest which country are you in, i'm in England.....

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Avatar universal
I know it is really crappy but its reality. I mean I have gone through some hopeless feelings and stuff but in the end you realize what is this going to change? Feeling bad for yourself or whatever wont fix anything. Just try and be positive and talk to you doctor. The unreal feeling I understand, the buzzing I have not had but have had a list of other symptoms and I know it isnt fun. I hope you feel better, hey look at me its 6am and I still havent gone to bed!
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Avatar universal
thanks for writing and so quick too.  I feel like such a freak already that I can't handle feeling any wierder. I usually feel more unreality and really bad buzzing in my head. So much buzzing that sometimes I can hardly hear my surroundings.  And I get bad tremors even worse than I always feel.  Other symptoms too.  I really have tried to take them.  I have been reading alot of comments about everyones symptoms and it really makes me sad to know that there are soooooooooooooooooooo many people suffering sooooooooooo bad just like me.  I am very, very sorry that all of you are living and dealing with all this horrible stuff.  I am crying for everyone of you right now. I wish I could make all of this go away for everyone. Really!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Avatar universal
How much of a chance have you given the anti depressants? A month at least? I know for me the first 2 weeks were pretty bad. I am on my 3rd and feeling better, but I just feel out of it very often. Kind of like a dream. You should really give it a good effort and be positive. Thats just my opinion though.
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