my anxiety is killing me, what can i do?

Hi,

I am in a stressful relationship with a girl, we have been going out for almost 2 years. I love and she loves me but we always fight. after a small breakup of two weeks, i decided to go have sex with CSW. I recieved oral sex, and protected vaginal sex, when i finished the CSW claimed that my condom broke, which i never checked. and since that moment am having the worst days of life, i believed that i have contracted HIV. I had several anxiety attacks and it affected everything, work, life, friends, etc..

i decided to get tested at day 48, booked a plane to home country, got the test done, -ve. I shoudl be happy since it is an excellent indication, and my doctors that i have been visiting regulary (daily) said that this is conclusive, and i need no testing, Dr. Hook told me the same. everyone is telling me that i dont have anything, but i cant believe it, and its overwhealming. am on the net mots of the times, going through forums, and reading, am obssessed. am taking anti depressants Cereplax or whatever, but they are not doing anything, i cant shake this idea out of my head, this has been going on for more than two month, my brain is fried. I want to end this, everything i feel in my body i relate it to HIV, i have tingling feeling in my armpits, i started gaining wait, i dont shave, i dont feel like doing anything. my sexual drive is non existant.

I leveled with my girl, and she accepted me, but still things are not that smooth, we had sex (protected) couple of time, and after 3 weeks she developed a rash and headache, i paniced, and had many anxiety attacks since that time, am loosing sleep over this, I need to get over this, it was the worst decision in my life.

i cant get tested for my conclusive result now (internet guidlines) and i cant believe my docs, am in country where HIV is a taboo, and when tested + your departed. i have spent over 1000usd on airlines tickets and DRs. and tests. do you think my problem is psychological, anxiety and guilt? what can i do when meds are not being effective, can some one drop some ideas. PLEASE HELP ME
Can some one hel me

[cutipup100]

I totally understand where you are coming from and I had unprotected vaginal sex twice. It is scary and I swear I have all of these symptoms. They say in the HIV forum 6-8 weeks is a good indicator of your status then test again at the 3 month mark. I cannot focus either because of my symptoms mostly. That has not stopped since May. You and I should probably get off this forum for a while and take a break off the internet. as LIZZIE LOU suggested. because you just keep reading and reading and reading and getting freaked out more. I am here if you would like to talk. Hang in there.

[PZIZZY]

HI Cutipup,

Thanks for your support, i swear i have been through every website, and am addicted, i have a great career that i started jeoprodizing, my girl leftme today since all i talk about is HIV and this reminds her of my sins. I hate the word window, rash, seroconversion, all these words are ******* killing me. I cant look at the 98% that am disease free, and keep on focusing on the odds that probably wont happen. and these sypmtoms they come out of no where, and all the post i read people have the same and test negative, and i pray that i will be one of them. White tongue, i got it, nightsweats, i got it, ulcers in the mouth, i got it, muscle aches, i got it. what th ****. can this be real? i just feel like writing and writing and not stop. if i got all these after my exposure i should have tested positive by 7 weeks or this is what dr. hook said, but i cant shake this fear. the only time i dont think about this is when i wake up for the first 10 sec.

[cutipup100]

I totally understand. I feel the exact same way. I cannot focus cannot sleep can't stop thinking about it. I am going to try and bring myself to get a test tmw. it will be 3 months since my 2nd to last exposure and 9 weeks after my last exposure. to be honest I don't even really want to know if I have this because I feel like I already have it. I cannot live my life anymore and I feel I am not normal at all. My whole summer has been taken over with my obsession of HIV. I swar I have had every symptom you can think of.

[PZIZZY]

Cutipup,

I can understand, and people think that we are crazy and over reacting, i hope no one is put in such a situation, it is really very painful and exhausting. I pray for your test results to be negative, and lets hope that these symptoms are non specific as the doctors claim. No one can understand the feeling that your life is about to change if you contracted such a disease. I hope not.

[PZIZZY]

BY the way where are you from?

[cutipup100]

I sent you a messege

[PZIZZY]

I just got another comment from Dr. Hook, he is assuring me that my test is conclusive and no need for testing anymore, i will believe him and move on, i cant stay like this forever, i might get tested later, but i should get this thing out of my mind, i will loose my job, my life, my friends and everything if i stay like this. I think i will grow balls and go tested here in Kuwait in two weeks time, and i pray that i will not be one of the late seroconverters.

whats the worst that could happen, deport me, i have to get treated anyways if am infected, and better live my family and not alone in the desert.

[cutipup100]

if you have high anxiety I would say just wait until the 3 months if you can't wait test sooner for an indication as they say. then test again in 3 months. it looks like you already have an indication so I guess wait it out? I know it is so hard because I feel the same way as your do. Hang in there if you need someone to talk to them messege me.

[claudicakes]

You want to hear a  crazy HIV story which is where my anxiety developed?
Here it goes, hope you feel better!
3 years ago I got a call from Public Health telling me that a person testing HIV positive, added me as a contact to go get tested because we had sexual intercourse. It was a phone call I would never forget, Ofcourse I was in shock for a while and i did not sleep, could not focus on anything and was on all the HIV symptom sites you can think of...certainly its even harder on you bc you literally have little or nobody to vent with in this situation and I know what it feels like..I got tested and it came back negative, and this is from having sex with someone that was POSITIVE@@@ so I wasnt thinking they were , I knew they were...OFcourse like you, I thought I had all the symptoms, and I even had a flu at the time..more panic....I spoke to the doctor that did my tests, and she told me that it is not that easy to get HIV as people think, you have to have dirty rigid anal sex and still there is a chance of not getting it! I mean the odds are huge so dont worry, and also something abnormal would have shown up on your bloodwork already as told by my doc! and dont torture yourself with the symptoms, bc they can relate to almost anything especially when ur anxious....ur fine
hang in there

[cutipup100]

thank you for sharing your story.I am so sorry you had to go through that and hope your anxiety is getting better! I am in a situation now where I had unprotected vaginal sex. I feel just as PZIZZY.