This all started for me a couple months ago starting a new job. i was really anxious and on lunch later that week, i had envisioned stabbing one of my co-workers. this freaked me the **** out. i had no idea what was going on with me. i think it all started with me thinking "what if i was a schizo" so whenever i saw this co-worker, id think in my head "kill dan." it was the most fkd up thing ever!!! anyways, long story short, it went from dan to my gf. i went to the doctors and got prescribed paxil.. eventually those harm thoughts stopped because another obsession took over me and it still is affecting my life today. its POCH and HOCD. i know im not a paedo and i know im not gay cause i like girls and have all my life (althought the paxil has lowered my sex drive which doesnt help the case for liking females lol) but i still let the thoughts affect me cause there are always triggers. if i see 2 guys kissing it grosses me out. but now if i see a good looking guy in the store my mind will go "oh u like him, youre def gay" or if i see a kid my brain automatically makes me think "youre a pedo, be sad" so basically the triggers of seeing either males or kids trigger me to be sad which ***** cause i love my niece and nephew so much it makes it hard to enjoy them! i sometimes think "how is this happening to me?!?!?!?!?!??!?!" its making me not enjoy life. maybe im on the wrong meds? will this ever go away? it scares me to think that ill have to live with these thoughts my whole life.
What you are experiencing is OCD. I literally just diagnosed myself tonight online, from Wikipedia. It states:
Main article: Intrusive thoughts
Obsessions are thoughts that recur and persist despite efforts to ignore or confront them. People with OCD frequently perform tasks, or compulsions, to seek relief from obsession-related anxiety. Within and among individuals, the initial obsessions, or intrusive thoughts, vary in their clarity and vividness.
Some people with OCD experience sexual obsessions that may involve intrusive thoughts or images of "kissing, touching, fondling, oral sex, anal sex, intercourse, incest and rape" with "strangers, acquaintances, parents, children, family members, friends, coworkers, animals and religious figures", and can include "heterosexual or homosexual content" with persons of any age. As with other intrusive, unpleasant thoughts or images, most "normal" people have some disquieting sexual thoughts at times, but people with OCD may attach extraordinary significance to the thoughts. For example, obsessive fears about sexual orientation can appear to the person with OCD, and even to those around them, as a crisis of sexual identity. Furthermore, the doubt that accompanies OCD leads to uncertainty regarding whether one might act on the troubling thoughts, resulting in self-criticism or self-loathing.
This sounds a lot like what you are experiencing, and I completely understand what you are going through. Just know it is normal, and can be cured. Just know, it is not you that is thinking these thoughts, it is the OCD that is. You are not crazy or a ********* or anything like that. I have had thoughts similar to this as well, and thought the same thing. I take a medication that somewhat helps with the thoughts, Amytriptolyne. I think eating healthy, exercising, and/or taking supplements like Vitamin D, Vitamin B-12, and Fish Oil help more. I hope this helps!!
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