Aa
socialising
Hi I'm just needing some advice for a while now I've not liked going out and really socialising. I don't like going out where people are drinking and I can't seem to enjoy myself. I don't really talk to the people that are there. For example yesterday went to bbq and people were there drinking and I just felt like I wanted to be at home . Nobody really spoke to me, it felt like I was in my own bubble and every1 was having fun around me. Finally got home and felt much better. I need to sort it out as my husband said I'm unsociable and I'm making our relationship hard. Any advice on what I could do? Or it could be I'm boring and like being at home with the kids.
If you are suffering from anxiety, one thing which really helped me was gradually putting myself in uncomfortable situations where I might get anxious. I know, it sounds crazy but it personally really helped me to gain my confidence around others/friends and social situations. For example, I really hated going to parties but I decided one night why not. I went to this party with a bunch of people I barely knew and I just thought to myself these people don't know me, I can try to create a new me who was confident and enjoys meeting new people. This is one thing that has really really helped me. Another thing I found helped was looking up youtube videos to help understand my social anxiety and how to overcome it and also looking at ways to boost your confidence videos helped too. Exercise before you go out to make you feel good about yourself. i found this also really helped in the long term as well as short term :) sorry if this didn't make much sense, i'm known for being terrible at explaining myself!
You are welcome, Starz. I am with you that I wish your husband would understand also how you feel about parties with drink. I did get it that you aren't shy. I also think your preference to stay away from drinking parties is totally valid and reaonable, including not going or leaving early, which is what I do.
I am not sure why your husband thinks that looks bad on him that you don't show up or leave early. When I am at parties and a man or. woman, who came as a couple, no one really makes a big deal about it. Especially, when there is a concern about children,when we are really busy, not feeling well, need their sleep, or if we prefer not to go to parties. I would think it is well known now, that you don't enjoy parties, and it's not really an issue for other people.
I am wondering if he thinks it makes him feel like or look like a jerk because you leave and he doesn't come with you, because he wants to stay and then he gets self conscious. Just putting that out there. I don't know, I could be off the wall here, and I don't have the luxury of asking him. However, if he is making an issue about it, something is going on with him.
Yes, it is aggravating and annoying when someone keeps on the same track with a word or an idea llike "unsocialable" when they are so wrong, and they don't have the sense to quit it, especially after you tell them to stop and that it is uncalled for. It really doesn't solve issues when there are character attacks or name calling.
Well, when a person isn't listening or 2 people aren't listening to each other or there is an impasse, I usually get a neutral third person involved. Basically, a sensible person who can see both sides but direct to a sensible course and who is confident and willing enough to risk being involved between 2 quarreling people in a relationship.
The other is to talk to someone who has influence over your husband, who he respects and listens to. When I dedide on going this route, It is usually with someone I trust is emotionally intelligent, has good information and insight about the person, a good heart, a beneficial objective that feels good to all, and good at talking to people. Other people in my circle have done so when they have a concern or issue with me, and initially, I get bothered by it as a knee jerk reaction, and then I see how it was the only recourse they could take, but I am a sensible and reasonable person. For myself, when I get approached this way, I take the time to listen and mull things over, hear out the perspective the 3rd person offers. A lot of times, there is a better solution that comes to mind that I didn't see before. I know this is a cliche statement, but it becomes a growing experience for everyone, including the 3rd person,
Of course, it can also go south, if the other person just doesn't want to liaten, move or goes on the attack. That really depends on how willing or how entrenched the other party is. I've been the 3rd person quite a few times, and it's not a position to take lightly. It can be work and a major headache. I basically go in with the idea that nothing is unsolvable with the solution as a good outcome for both parties. Just to let you know, I feel there is good hope for this to come out well.
I am not sure why your husband thinks that looks bad on him that you don't show up or leave early. When I am at parties and a man or. woman, who came as a couple, no one really makes a big deal about it. Especially, when there is a concern about children,when we are really busy, not feeling well, need their sleep, or if we prefer not to go to parties. I would think it is well known now, that you don't enjoy parties, and it's not really an issue for other people.
I am wondering if he thinks it makes him feel like or look like a jerk because you leave and he doesn't come with you, because he wants to stay and then he gets self conscious. Just putting that out there. I don't know, I could be off the wall here, and I don't have the luxury of asking him. However, if he is making an issue about it, something is going on with him.
Yes, it is aggravating and annoying when someone keeps on the same track with a word or an idea llike "unsocialable" when they are so wrong, and they don't have the sense to quit it, especially after you tell them to stop and that it is uncalled for. It really doesn't solve issues when there are character attacks or name calling.
Well, when a person isn't listening or 2 people aren't listening to each other or there is an impasse, I usually get a neutral third person involved. Basically, a sensible person who can see both sides but direct to a sensible course and who is confident and willing enough to risk being involved between 2 quarreling people in a relationship.
The other is to talk to someone who has influence over your husband, who he respects and listens to. When I dedide on going this route, It is usually with someone I trust is emotionally intelligent, has good information and insight about the person, a good heart, a beneficial objective that feels good to all, and good at talking to people. Other people in my circle have done so when they have a concern or issue with me, and initially, I get bothered by it as a knee jerk reaction, and then I see how it was the only recourse they could take, but I am a sensible and reasonable person. For myself, when I get approached this way, I take the time to listen and mull things over, hear out the perspective the 3rd person offers. A lot of times, there is a better solution that comes to mind that I didn't see before. I know this is a cliche statement, but it becomes a growing experience for everyone, including the 3rd person,
Of course, it can also go south, if the other person just doesn't want to liaten, move or goes on the attack. That really depends on how willing or how entrenched the other party is. I've been the 3rd person quite a few times, and it's not a position to take lightly. It can be work and a major headache. I basically go in with the idea that nothing is unsolvable with the solution as a good outcome for both parties. Just to let you know, I feel there is good hope for this to come out well.
Thank you for replying. I don't think I'm really a shy person. I can chat to people for ages I'm a chatter box when I'm with my mum or at work but I'm totally different when at parties. I just wish that my husband would understand that I would prefer to stay away from parties that involves drink. I always say to him he can go but he says it makes him look bad that I don't go or leave early. When I was in my teens I used to always drink and it didn't bother me but it's got worse since I've had my son. And also wish he would stop calling me unsociable because I'm not I just don't want to socialise with drunk people.
When I was younger a man my mum was with was violent and got worse with drink and I dunno if it was things I saw happen then has affected me now I have kids. Thank you again it is nice to have someone to chat to.
When I was younger a man my mum was with was violent and got worse with drink and I dunno if it was things I saw happen then has affected me now I have kids. Thank you again it is nice to have someone to chat to.
Starz, stop saying you are boring, just because you don't like to drink or be a party animal. Not having or liking parties doesn't define how interesting people are. There are incredibly tedious and boring people who just go to parties. You've obviously had conversations with people who are drunk, and I think you know that they think everything they say is so incredibly profound and important, when it isn't. I think you are kicking yourself, and I think that is not very helpful. You don't have a say in anything?
Also, I think you know when your husband calls you "unsocialable," it is really a manipulation to get you to see things his way. People say stuff like that to me too to sway me or "put me down" or "in my place," but I just ignore it, because it's a very feeble attempt to make me feel badly. What if someone did that with your kids? What would you say to your kids if they asked you for advice, along the lines that you are asking. Personally, I have to keep myself from laughing when someone makes a judgement on me. If someone thinks I am boring or unsocialable, I usually get amused by it, and I would want to know why they bother to stick around me to if that was the case.
I'm glad you don't have a debilitating social anxiety, and it doesn't sound like you are terribly shy. I think it is worthwhile to speak up for yourself though, because it is not just your husband that is having a bbq but yourself too. I think you can have a say in this matter, especially if you are involved in prepping, contributing to the expense, cleaning up and dealing with any consequences to the party.
As you say more, it sounds like there is more to this than the party and drinking issue. There is just a part of the difficulty you have with your husband when it comes to making decisions and plans the both of you can live with, without feeling terribly compromised. It's more like the way issues get resolved here and how the 2 of you communicate to each other.
Just to let you know, when we were living together, my boyfriend did want to have a party with a lot of alcohol in it. I am talking kegs of beer and an open bar, and it was with a group of friends who are very heavy drinkers. I said no, but if he wanted a party like that, he can have it at a space away from home. Well, he had the party when I was away on a business trip, without my knowledge, It got out of hand, and the police were involved because the neighbor endured property damage. The house was a mess when I came home. His excuse was they were drunk, cannot assume control of another person's behavior, and didn't know better at the time. The judge agreed, by the way, but didn't excuse them, including him, for being irresponsible, because no one forcefed alcohol or prepared and provided for alot of alcohol to be available. . There were 2 good things that came out of it: I kicked him out. 2) No one died from drunk driving or otherwise.
Also, I think you know when your husband calls you "unsocialable," it is really a manipulation to get you to see things his way. People say stuff like that to me too to sway me or "put me down" or "in my place," but I just ignore it, because it's a very feeble attempt to make me feel badly. What if someone did that with your kids? What would you say to your kids if they asked you for advice, along the lines that you are asking. Personally, I have to keep myself from laughing when someone makes a judgement on me. If someone thinks I am boring or unsocialable, I usually get amused by it, and I would want to know why they bother to stick around me to if that was the case.
I'm glad you don't have a debilitating social anxiety, and it doesn't sound like you are terribly shy. I think it is worthwhile to speak up for yourself though, because it is not just your husband that is having a bbq but yourself too. I think you can have a say in this matter, especially if you are involved in prepping, contributing to the expense, cleaning up and dealing with any consequences to the party.
As you say more, it sounds like there is more to this than the party and drinking issue. There is just a part of the difficulty you have with your husband when it comes to making decisions and plans the both of you can live with, without feeling terribly compromised. It's more like the way issues get resolved here and how the 2 of you communicate to each other.
Just to let you know, when we were living together, my boyfriend did want to have a party with a lot of alcohol in it. I am talking kegs of beer and an open bar, and it was with a group of friends who are very heavy drinkers. I said no, but if he wanted a party like that, he can have it at a space away from home. Well, he had the party when I was away on a business trip, without my knowledge, It got out of hand, and the police were involved because the neighbor endured property damage. The house was a mess when I came home. His excuse was they were drunk, cannot assume control of another person's behavior, and didn't know better at the time. The judge agreed, by the way, but didn't excuse them, including him, for being irresponsible, because no one forcefed alcohol or prepared and provided for alot of alcohol to be available. . There were 2 good things that came out of it: I kicked him out. 2) No one died from drunk driving or otherwise.
I think it is solely just get together that have to involve people that find you can only have fun when they are drinking. I keep telling my husband you don't need drink to have fun. And I can walk down the street and say hi, talk to people I don't no on the phone and go to work and talk to every1. I dred it when my husband gets his cousin around and they have a drink.also my husband has decided to have a bbq next weekend and drink included then supposedly I have to go to this music (drinking) thing. I don't wanna go. I think I'm just gonna be the boring person that will aways prefer to stay at home with the kids.
Definitely, as you said talk with your husband, I would make a clear agenda, though, so it doesn't evolve into a judging contest, blaming, emotional mess with nothing achieve. If you are able to socialize in other kinds of garherings, have friendships or talk casually or make necessary household or work contracts and contacts with people, and drinking parties are the only issue, then, you can certainly negotiate to get both of your needs met. That is assuming that your husband is not have alcohol dependency.
A clear agenda would be to keep it simply that you do not enjoy being in a drinking party where the focus is you drink and to get wasted. You already know that it is a waste of time and boring for you to go through that, besides being uncomfortable with it by principle and by tolerance, If he wants to go by himself, that is something you need to discuss and a choice both of you need to decide. It sounds like any other kind of party, including generally light abidement is fine. If it is all social gatherings, then, it is a social anxiety issue and possibly, a personal thing of some kind if you find everyone boring, That would be something you probably need to explore within yourself, especially if it affects your marriage and family life.
A clear agenda would be to keep it simply that you do not enjoy being in a drinking party where the focus is you drink and to get wasted. You already know that it is a waste of time and boring for you to go through that, besides being uncomfortable with it by principle and by tolerance, If he wants to go by himself, that is something you need to discuss and a choice both of you need to decide. It sounds like any other kind of party, including generally light abidement is fine. If it is all social gatherings, then, it is a social anxiety issue and possibly, a personal thing of some kind if you find everyone boring, That would be something you probably need to explore within yourself, especially if it affects your marriage and family life.
Well, I don't like drinking parties too. When I was middle school age, a drunk man molested me at a picnic party, so I definitely don't enjoy smelling alcohol on anyone's breath. By the way, my parents did not and do not drink at all. Nearly all members of my immediate family do not drink. I sip sparingly on rare occasions, but usually not at parties. I have friends who are absolutely fanatically condemning about drinking, and actually lecture people at the dinner table. They are not invited to my parties unless they can control that impulse to lecture. Likewise, I don't enjoy heavily influenced, intoxicated people. I don't engage in conversation with them, because it has no weight.
I don't go to parties where the focus is to drink or take drugs or any sort of excess like that. That is one barrier I do set. Is that what these parties you go to are all about? I was talking about regular parties before, where people just come together to have a good time being with each other. Whoever was and is the person who I go to the party with, if I go accompanied, is aware that that is an issue with me, and they respect that. If a party turns into an excess like that, it is time for me to leave, with or without the person who accompanied me.
I don't go to parties where the focus is to drink or take drugs or any sort of excess like that. That is one barrier I do set. Is that what these parties you go to are all about? I was talking about regular parties before, where people just come together to have a good time being with each other. Whoever was and is the person who I go to the party with, if I go accompanied, is aware that that is an issue with me, and they respect that. If a party turns into an excess like that, it is time for me to leave, with or without the person who accompanied me.
You can take baby steps going out on your own and acclimate your social skills. Just go out and walk for 5 minutes, and just nod, wave or say hello to someone. You can also do that when you go grocery shopping or shopping or when you take your kids to a play date or playground.
You don't have to engage more than that. Go with what you are comfortable with. Next would be asking a polite question or making a genuine, polite comment like "This bbq is delicious. Is it a family recipe?" The other thing is to circulate and listen. Listening and making eye contact engages people. Just don't stay glued to a spot, even if you choose to be by yourself or when you watch your kids, if your kids are there. Probably, there is another person there who feels the same way you do. There usually is. Thos is cliche, but It's a big world out there with lots of personality,
You don't have to engage more than that. Go with what you are comfortable with. Next would be asking a polite question or making a genuine, polite comment like "This bbq is delicious. Is it a family recipe?" The other thing is to circulate and listen. Listening and making eye contact engages people. Just don't stay glued to a spot, even if you choose to be by yourself or when you watch your kids, if your kids are there. Probably, there is another person there who feels the same way you do. There usually is. Thos is cliche, but It's a big world out there with lots of personality,
I only really feel like I don't wanna be at gatherings is when there is drink involved ( I really don't like it dunno if it was things I'd had seen when I was younger when a certain person was drunk). And I just feel like I don't wanna be there and just feel totally bored. I can't have a laugh. I got home yesterday and felt so much better listen to the music with my kids and was happy. I just didn't like the way I moaned at my husband when he got home and he wasn't even really drunk.
Also, I don't enjoy drinking and I don't use recreational drugs, especially at social gatherings. I like to have a clear head at social gatherings; especially, when I am in conversation or to decide whether or not I want to participate in a game or activity. I like having my wits about me.
Definitely have been in that situation where I feel like being in a bubble in a party, and I have been at social gatherings where a friend or someone else went through the same thing. Also, that was one of the issues that caused that added a strain in a previous relationship, and in hindsight, I could have given a little more. It basically involved work parties and a group of friends of his who I didn't really enjoy. I'm not "unsociable." I also happen to like being by myself and enjoy being alone. I know I am not boring and I like people.
Socializing, for me, is a set of skills involving different levels and involves a range of situations. I came up with strategies to take care of myself from being in "bubble" situations; especially, when I know I am going to be "challenged" and out of my element. I am basically an introvert who can manage "being social," because I know being social just makes things a lot easier and expands my world and my ability to handle things out of my realm.
Is it just social gatherings or types of social gatherings? Are you okay with friendships or going out or just greeting people?
I'm an introvert with social skills. I worked on it since I was a kid, because my parents viewed it as important for my adult life, and they are right. Only people who really know me (or who are astute) know I am shy and have social anxiety, which is why, after certain social gatherings, I really need time afterwards to "recover" afterwards. My idea of a good time is reading a book.
Socializing, for me, is a set of skills involving different levels and involves a range of situations. I came up with strategies to take care of myself from being in "bubble" situations; especially, when I know I am going to be "challenged" and out of my element. I am basically an introvert who can manage "being social," because I know being social just makes things a lot easier and expands my world and my ability to handle things out of my realm.
Is it just social gatherings or types of social gatherings? Are you okay with friendships or going out or just greeting people?
I'm an introvert with social skills. I worked on it since I was a kid, because my parents viewed it as important for my adult life, and they are right. Only people who really know me (or who are astute) know I am shy and have social anxiety, which is why, after certain social gatherings, I really need time afterwards to "recover" afterwards. My idea of a good time is reading a book.
You're not alone starz24x. I too feel exactly like you. Never enjoyed going out that much like other people seem to enjoy. And when i do, i get bored all the time.
You may have some anxiety but you may be just plain shy and just feel uncomfortable around others. You might want to get some professional help to help you overcome this shyness or anxiety.
I don't take drugs or drink. I think it could be some sort of anxiety. Cos I don't really like going out without husband either feels strange not going out with him either. Thank you for advice
Two things: if you suffer from anxiety, and I assume you do as you're posting on this forum, alcohol and drugs often makes us more anxious as the feeling can mimic what we feel when we're anxious, so we stop drinking much or doing drugs. When you stop doing these things, especially alcohol, people who are still doing it can seem pretty obnoxious and loud. Second, people change as they get older and move to different stages of their lives -- I think we'd all die of boredom if we did the same things throughout a long life. I guess I'll throw in a third thing -- America has become a very boring place since the Republican/Christian political movement took hold under Reagan. It's not that it's bad vs the opposition being good, it's that work and faith became so overserious. Our parents worked and prayed, but when they came home they played. They didn't see raising children as a full-time job, and didn't shepherd us everywhere we went -- they opened the door and told us to get out of the house. The reason was they never intended to get rich, never expected to get rich -- they had grown up in a much poorer world, including the US. Now, work has been elevated to a religion of its own, and religion has been elevated to despotism of the spirit, and having children has been elevated to a job rather than just something living things do. I'd say, do what feels good, and people will accept you, and if it doesn't feel good, figure out why and do what does feel good. And lighten up. We all could use some of that.
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