starting to doubt its hocd :,(

ive already posted on this once about wondering if i was hocd or just a gay in denial my whole life. and now that i keep thinking back to my past relationships with girls i start to freak out.

first of all, i can get an erection with girls. i mean i usually get half erections n stuff, , and when i start getting head it goes soft, until like maybe an hour later itl start getting hard again (rarely) then il finallly climax. and its like i can feel it getting hard, then it stops and goes limp, sometimes like its just dead, and this really freaks me out. ive tried so hard to have sex with my past girlfriends. and these girls were super fine too so its not like they werent attractive or anything..

another thing is i felt like i was preasured into asking my first girlfriend out. like i didnt want to myself. n i was terrified of it and was so nervous. but i got hard whenever i kissed her and stuff. ive always had crushes on girls and stuff growing up, but i was always so awkward and terrified around them. i still am too. like whenever im at a party and guys come up and say dude that girl thinks your hot i freeze up and get so terrified and just wish i could leave. even if the girl is good looking.

i dont want to experiment with guys to find out if i am gay, i think that would just be too weird and i would hate myself

il see attractive guys and have envy for them n whatnot but thats normal right? i still love the female body and want a relationship with them, but its like i know my penis wont perform so i think why bother and then feel depressed and lonely and ****.

ive never really had gay thoughts before this. except for like a couple years ago, but it wasnt this intense. my brother is gay btw could that have any effect? i had a gay dream once when i was little. and my brother preasured me n my friends into doing some gay stuff once when we were in like 6th grade, but i cant remember how i really felt about the situation.. but after that i havnt had any gay experiences, never had the desire to or anything.

i never noticed guys before this or thought i was gay or anything, i used to do things and think to myself what if that was gay? thats about it tho. now its like damn what if i really am gay and just didnt iknow it? i used to be able to get great erections watching porn and stuff (straight and lesbian). but now its like i have to give myself a lil assistance first. and i always fantasized about girls and stuff growing up so idk what the deal is.

and when i think about being with a guy i feel anxious and get depressed n stuff but also feel like that would save me from ever having to take risks and being anxious n stuff about being with girls. i usually dont get anxious with the ones ive already hooked up with tho. like im talking to this great, wonderful girl right now that i really like and stuff. but i think what about when i try and go to have sex with her and i wont get an erection? that is what im worrying about. does that make me gay?
i know this is a long post, and i havnt even said everything..
i have all of the symptoms of hocd, like constantly checking and 24/7 worrying and anxiety, but now the thoughts arent as repulsive, and that spikes my anxiety lke no other.
do people that first realize theyre gay have similar symptoms? or do they know theyre gay.. gah this *****.

ps. im a college athelete and never got aroused in the dressing room or anything seeing my teammates change and stuff. (but now im thinkin i might next time)

please read this and answer what you truely think, im seriously dying.. and also read my other post if you care to, itl give some more insight on the situation. this is the gayer side of the delema goin on in my brain.

[melipops]

Hi, I think you are anxious about sex full stop. You don't need to worry so much about it. It doesn't matter if you are gay or straight lots of people get worried about thier sexuality. Experimenting and finding out what you like is all part of normal development. You need to try to relax. We all have our shy spots in life and I think if you just wait until you are really happy and trust someone it will just be fine. Are you on any medication for anything at the moment? I hope you answer. I think you just need to relax. Find someone you love and trust the rest will come naturally. Take care

[erin626]

I've read your other posts and I don't think your gay in the slightest. The majority of guy friends I have are gay. And they knew they were gay, no questions asked. They still slept with girls and got hard so that isn't an issue whether your gay or not. So don't base your thoughts on not being able to stay hard means your gay. Because it doesn't. It means you're nervous.

All of my friends knew that they wanted to be with men. They only admitted it to other people when they were ready. Hocd doesn't make you gay nor does seeing an attractive guy and being envious. You're focusing way too hard on everything. Everyone has weird thoughts go through their mind. I was cooking the other day and thought about what would happen if I put my hand on the burner and then thought I'd do it. But I didn't.

Stop forcing the sex issue. If you're not into it maybe its nerves or you're just not connecting with the girl. I've had plenty of sexual encounters and wasn't turned on in the slightest. That doesn't make me a lesbian, it just makes me picky.

Lastly, even if you were gay, which you're not, who cares? My gay friends live incredibly good and fun lives and are happy with their lifestyle.

Point is, if you were gay, you'd know. Even if you were in denial you'd still know. There's no second guessing or back and forth on the issue. You're either straight or gay. And I don't count bi because that's just silly.

[erin626]

Oh and one more thing. People who end up divorcing after being married and have a family because they are gay knew the whole time. They just did what they thought their family and friends wanted them to do. My aunt who is gay met a woman who was married with kids but was secretly a lesbian. She divoriced her husband and started seeing my aunt. She didn't just magically realize she was gay, she knew but didn't want to admit to it.  

[ihatethiscrap]

no im not on any meds.

and what if i think im in denial? and **** i care if im gay lol i dont want to be. and im a college athlete if i turned out to be gay then everything would turn on me. my whole life would come crashing down i feel like. and my brothers gay, dad is deceased, and mom looks for me to be the man of the house while im home at least and if i turned out to be gay to then id be lettin her down i feel like.

i know the symptoms im talkin about sound like hocd but it feels so real i feel like mines different.

****!

[erin626]

First your life wouldn't come crashing down. Being gay doesn't make you a complete pansy. That's just a stereotype. And it wouldn't prevent you from doing college athletics or being the man of your mothers house.

But you aren't gay. I've had friends come out to me. They were 100% positive but didn't know how to come out.

[ihatethiscrap]

yea ive heard that id know if i was.. but i think i am. and i feel like ive just conditioned myself to like girls through my teen years and stuff. cus now my sex drive is lowering, and i dont get as aroused with girls as i used to..

i mean it would make sense if i turned out to be gay you know? ive always been socially awkward, and scared around girls, maybe its cus my whole life ive been gay and just didnt know. agh i need to relax..

[ihatethiscrap]

lemme rephrase that.. i think i could be.. theres other times when im sure im pretty sure im straight tho. and other times when im pretty convinced im gay..

[erin626]

everyone is awkward around the opposite sex. some are just better at dealing with it. my boyfriend is convinced im a lesbian because i never want to have sex. my sex drive has lowered significantly since dealing with anxiety. maybe its the anxiety and hocd thoughts causing your sex drive to lower. plenty of straight guys are socially awkward and scared around girls. why do you think strip clubs are so popular??

you need to relax. try to just push the thoughts out of your mind and focus on other, more important issues. stress will lower your sex drive. it does it to me.

[nursegirl6572]

Your posts show the textbook overthinking and "what if" thinking that anxiety and OCD brings.  You need to get evaluated by a psychiatrist, get an official diagnosis and go from there.  This kind of obsessing requires intervention.

None of us can tell you for sure that you are or aren't really gay...but everything you've written about screams HOCD versus true homosexuality.  U"d bet big money that you're dealing with anxiety/OCD.

Get yourself some help...a therapist will help you sort this out.  A doc will be able to give you a diagnosis if there is one.  There are a clear set of criteria that must be met in order for someone to be given a diagnosis.  You need some help in working through this.

[JGF25]

My last bit of advice is to abstain from sex, looking at pictures, visiting strip clubs, analyzing your feelings when you look at someone, if you can, until you get back to school and see the counselor.  You are just adding fuel to the fire everytime you "test" yourself.  And it seems as if you are testing yourself a lot.  This is what happens with OCD.  You have just got to say enough.  Say it out load if you have to.  Say it 50 taimes a day if you have to...that is the only way right now without outside psychiatric intervention.  

[ihatethiscrap]

before i had these thoughts i would always look up anxiety and stuff and obsessed about schizophrenia. i laugh at the thoughts now but these thoughts now feel so real. i might be goin to see that girl this saturday, i want to see her but im nervous about not getting turned on and then seriously realizing/thinking that im actually gay..

and what do you mean psychiatric intervention? i dont want to do that exposure response therapy thing cus i dont want to see guys and get arroused and realize im gay.. you know? please respond as soon as possible.. these forum things are the only thing that helps me til i can get to that councelor

[JGF25]

You do not have to do that therapy if that does not help you.  Have you tried the self-communication where you kind of become your own motivator?  When I mentioned the phrases for you to say when these thoughts pop in your head...have you tried that?  

Psychiatric intervention for you is most like the medication route.  That is all I meant by that.  Psychiatrists prescribe medications while psychologists usually provide the behavioral therapy/talking aspect of it.  The counselor can talk to you about your fears and together you can decide what is the next step.  Do you have an appointment with the counselor?  Sometimes these people come back to the school way before students.  

I am so sorry I cannot be of more help to you.  

[ihatethiscrap]

i dont want to be on meds tho.. and no i dont have an apointment with her. ill be at school 2 weeks before it starts anyways cus of preseason..

and il see guys and stuff and picture me doing stuff with them and it grosses me out. most of the time.. wich is another thing im freaking out about that its only most of the time.. i think because i keep thinking about it im starting to get used to it maybe thats why im not as grossed out? and the more i think about that the less i think about girls.. i was at twin peaks the other day and our waitress i admit was so fine but i didnt get any groinal response. so that makes me think maybe i thought she was fine just because ive been taught and conditioned to realize what a fine girl looks like? like it doesnt feel like a natural feeling any more.. like it used to i THINK..

no uve been a big help. this whole forum thing has.. cus if i didnt post on here id still be like what the hell you know? at least now i feel like im taking steps to do something about it..

[JGF25]

When you see guys and it does not gross you out...are you just simply indifferent to them?  Like no big deal kind of thing?  Also, I'm not a guy mind you, but I mean I would not think that every good looking girl gets a man aroused every single time they see one.  So again, you may be testing yourself in those situations and when it does not go the way you think it should go, it upsets you.

Well, as soon as you can, make an appointment with the counselor.  Remember, you cannot say anything to these people that they have not already heard before.  You have not shocked me because even I had the same problem you are having.  So you cannot shock this person and it is all confidential.  This person should have some ideas on where you go from here.  

[ihatethiscrap]

what do you mean do i feel indifferent? and i mean when i have the thougths i get freaked out by the fact that im having the thought, not necesarily the thought itself, even tho i do get grossed out at the thought itself.. its hard to explain.

do you think im just realizing im gay or do you think i have hocd.

[JGF25]

Honestly, I believe you have hocd. And I understand completely what you mean.  

You have the thoughts because it is what distresses you.  That is how OCD works.  Anything that is distressing just gets stuck there and repeats itself until you resolve it and then unfortunately something else usually takes its place.  You have not resolved this one, therefore you have not moved on to the next irrational thought.  That is what I'm worried about.  That is why I was hoping you would see somebody so that you can get a handle on it.  It bothers you that you cannot stop thinking about it but it is not your fault and because you cannot stop thinking about it does not mean you are gay.  

  

[ihatethiscrap]

yea now that i think about it, ive always been obsessed about worrying about something.. i just want this obsession to pass.. its slowed down alot but its stil kinda there and leaves me unsure.. but i think its getting better. i tried accepting the fact that i could maybe be gay and that still sometimes gets me down n stuff but thats it for the most part..

thanks for all the help

[JGF25]

You are very, very welcome.  Just don't let it take over your life because you only have one and nobody should have to live their life incapacitated by worry especially in this day and age when there is so much help available.  

My very best to you.  

[ihatethiscrap]

well i had another spike.. after i posted that last thing i went to a friends house to drink and hang out with a couple girls, and one of them there i know wanted to hook up with me, her friend told me, but i was too scared to make a move. i didnt know how to make the move.. and shouldnt it be natural? that got me thinkin again... but thats not even the worst part.. i had a gay dream last night. the gayest dream. and i didnt wake up while i was having it and that makes me doubt myself. there were no girls in my dream at all (and recently there havent been either) and one of my friends was sayin i need to have a threesome with another guy and a girl, but that thought i think bugged me out in the dream.. and then it went on to me seeing two guys naked in a room and stuff. idk it was a weird *** dream... but then i woke up and realized what i dreamt and thought  damn what the hell is going on.
i think i am slowly turning gay. or at least slowly realizing that i am, and just not willing to accept it yet. cus the more i think about it the more i get used to the thoughts and the less repulsive they get. i mean now im even starting to have gay dreams.. aghhh this cant be normal.

[ihatethiscrap]

one more thing.. my whole life ive been kind of anti social. and maybe because ive been secretly gay and just not realized that i was "gay" till now

[JGF25]

In my heart I still don't think you are gay.  

The subconscious is a powerful thing.  Things that I didn't think were bothering me outwardly would wake me up at night.  For instance my son did very well in summer school on his own with ADHD.  I have nothing to worry about, right?  So why did I have a dream that he was in high school and failing due to his ADHD?  This dream woke me with with a pounding heart and I'm on medication.  So that tells you how powerful it was.  It is in my head, subconsciously worrying me, so therefore, it showed up when I was not awake to put the breaks on it.  

Because you are obsessing about being gay and it bothers you, it would make sense that you have a dream like this.  

This is all I can say.  Any choice you make to try to physically figure this out may well be something you truly regret.  I don't know the answer for you.  Why does it have to be all or nothing?  Why does it have to be straight out sex?  Isn't there a girl that you like that you can take it slow with?  What about the one you mentioned?  Why not have some dates that don't lead to the bedroom.  Just enjoy being with her and stop tormenting yourself.  Let nature takes its course.  

Conversely, you said your brother is gay.  Does he live near you?  Maybe spend some time with him and his friends just hanging out?  Brothers hang out all the time.   Doing that does not mean you are gay either but it will go a long way in helping you see that gay people are nothing to be afraid of, ashamed of, etc.  Like I said before, we are all human beings and nobody is going to judge you.  But you have to stop letting it bother you because we are born the way we are and I'm still betting you are straight.   Frankly, you need to go into it with a F-it attitude.  

Lastly, while I don't know your age, I'm guessing late teens or early 20s, I just think you would have known way before now.  So I'm still advocating for you to see the counselor and talk this out.  I have no problem talking to you and giving you advice based on my own experiences, but I'm not an expert and I would hate to be giving you the wrong advice.  

Trust in yourself!  Be proactive in getting help!  And most importantly love yourself no matter what!  

[ihatethiscrap]

im about to turn 21. and maybe im just asexual? like i dont prefer either one? id rather be that than gay..
its like theres two different people up there one tellin me im straight one sayin im gay.. but it feels like the one sayin im straight is goin away slowly. i just want all this **** to go away and it be like before

[ihatethiscrap]

i still check out girls and love to see them in bikinis and stuff but its like my brain is tellin me im gay and i feel like i cant even look at them cus theres no point. and its tellin me that i just THOUGHT i liked girls my whole life.

[nursegirl6572]

You're flat out torturing yourself.  Gay or not gay, you need to seek some help.  This is becoming such an obsession that it is ruling your life.  We can't tell you if you're gay or straight....even though we're all pretty much in agreement that this is SCREAMING OCD.  

There is only one answer here for you to help yourself...professional help.  NOT trying to challenge your sexuality, or continue to obsess (which you are misinterpreting for soul searching).  Your brother is gay, I bet even when it was stressful for him to "come out", he never went through this...I bet he knew flat out.  Talk to him about this!

Also, now is NOT the time for to pursue a relationship with a girl (or boy).  You are basically trying to do "test runs" of your sexual reactions to girls and that is simply not fair.  You're not in a healthy place to even BEGIN considering starting a relationship.  Imagine how a girl would feel finding out she was just an "experiment"?  Get yourself help...a professional WILL help you sort through this and offer real reasons why it is either OCD or true homosexuality, and then be able to help you from there.  You're running in circles out of control and it is totally unnecessary!

[ihatethiscrap]

is there a way to talk to a psychologist online? like this kind of forum thing?

[nursegirl6572]

Even if there was, that's not what you need.  You need face to face in person REAL help.  I wish you would at least try and have an evaluation done by a psychiatrist.  You need to start somewhere.

[ihatethiscrap]

thats so expensive tho. im trying to wait to talk to my school counselor but that wont be for another 10 days.

[nursegirl6572]

I understand the financial constraints.  A school counselor is a great place to start for you.  Just make the commitment to get the help you need, no matter where or how.  10 days may seem like a lifetime, but you've already been suffering this long....just hang in there.

If I were you, I would print out your threads here and show them to the counselor, that would put a lot into perspective.

Good luck!

[ihatethiscrap]

thanks. i have another question tho that hasnt really been made clear.. do gay people go through hocd when they realize they are gay? like if they thought they were straight before, then they realize theyre gay do they have similar feelings?

[ihatethiscrap]

and ps. im not using that girl i like as an expiriment.. i met her before all the thoughts started. when i met her i was still thinkin i was crazy like schizophrenic or whatever. but then these thoughts started. and im startin to think maybe i actually only like her alot as a friend and not as a sexual partner. but i love sexting with her and stuff.... idk

[JGF25]

I honestly do not know what gay people go through.  Did you talk to your brother?  Is he still in your life?  He would be a good person to ask.  

Now to paraphrase your statement above " i met her before all the thoughts started. when i met her i was still thinkin i was crazy like schizophrenic or whatever."  This is what Nursegirl means when she says SCREAMING OCD.  You started with this thought and then moved on to thinking you were gay which bothers you more and so it has stuck to you like glue.  

Hang on until you see the counselor.  Do not hold anything back from them.  It is important to say it ALL.  

And BTW...sexting can get you put on the sex offender list if someone shares that picture with someone else and I'm sure you don't want that so delete all pictures you have from sexting and don't send anymore. The authorities are taking it very seriously.  

[ihatethiscrap]

o crap. dont wana be one of those.

[raxx]

Imagine yourself asking somebody this: Do I want to date boys or girls? Think about that for a second... :)

[tearlach]

Man, i've passed for much the same than you, but you must now you CAN'T get a definitive answer for now, that's the problem with OCD, you're doing all this excruciating checkin and all that crap is not doing but giving you more questions than answers. No matter what you figure, no matter what assurement you get, if you persist, you'll always find a way to feel bad. You could even start to think you're attracted to animals or even plants. Just relax, I know it's easier said than done, however it's the only path to follow. PD. Your thoughts are almost exactly i've had yersterday, now I'm getting better, we know both in our very deeps we are completely straight.