suicidal thoughts

I have been feeling really down lately.  I pretend to family and friends that everything is ok but it's not.  I try to put on a game face.  At night when everyone is asleep I think of ways that I could die without it looking like suicide.  I feel like I am sure alot of people do fat, ugly, wrothless and espcially a failure as a mother, daughter, friend and even as sick as it sounds as a partner.  I don't know what to do anymore.  Its hard for me to get counseling the times are hard for me to find someone to watch my kids.  Can someone who know how I feel or knows of someone that has felt this way bounce back.  

[Canada1010]

Hey, don't give up hope, it will get better! I noticed you were from Toronto, and even if you are not religious, or even catholic, stopping by a church for counseling can help you if you cannot reach a "professional". Many of the churches in Toronto have a day care. They may also have help groups with people who are experiencing the exact same thing. When my sister fell into a deep depression at 13 we actually went to a group where many of the people were dealing with the loss of a child or attempted suicide. It helps a lot. Sometimes you just need to talk to someone about how your feeling you will actually listen to you. And remember that the members of the church talk to a lot of individuals, be it youth or elderly about how there thoughts on life and death every day.

[dbi77]

I have gone thru these feelings before. I kno at least some of what u feel. I didn't want to commit suicide. I just didnt want to be alive anymore-if that makes sense. But then I started thinking about my family. Especially my mom and my kids and how sad they would be without me around. They would be devastated and honestly probably ruin their life. They love their momma and need me in their life more than anything. I kno how hard times can be too. I agree w/Canada in seeking help from a church/counseling. Doesn't matter which church/religion. I will be praying for you too, mia that God will lead you or send you help. I am not religious person, but I kno first hand that God will help you. Don't give up!!