your thoughts on my issue please

Question

i'll try to keep this as brief as possible; as a youth, probably around 12, I was watching some neighborhood kids and for some reason i decided to spank one of the children, hard, and got this odd feeling of power, didnt let her get out of her bed and was just plain mean to her. I felt like such a monster that since then i have feared being alone with anything i deem helpless or might depend on me.. My dad was a random hitter of my brothers and once me when i was about 15. I have never done anything like that since but always have lived in fear of that feeling. even to the point i was afraid to be left alone with my own babies and elderly parents. I think it is some sort of passive aggresive tendency. I even let 2 girls beat me up without fighting back cuz i was afraid. I have never shared this with anyone but i am working on a project and wonder if anyone has experienced anything even remotely similar and if there are any thoughts on if this is anxiety related. This is so hard to even write about because I have always been afraid i am somehow crazy. Thanks for your thoughts,

DJ873 · Answer

ok i've read these had a good cry feel some relief and need to try to forgive myself and hope it didn't scar that little girl. I get what you are saying and have paid the price. 
thank you again more than you know,
Donna

mammo · Answer

You were very young and have not done anything similar since, and at that age we all do strange things. You're not crazy at all, I think everyone can look back and see things they shouldn't have done.  The important thing is that you realized it was wrong, and feel bad for it.  But it's time to stop beating yourself up over this and doubting yourself. If you had repeated these actions then there would be cause for concern, but you haven't and never will. I think this fear of doing it again is creating a lot of your anxiety.  You can't turn back the clock, and it's best to just move on.  I think this is an irrational fear that grew out of guilt and shame for what you did.  I would definitely talk to your therapist about it just to help you get past this fear.  You're not the type to harm someone, you obviously feel much remorse for what you did, and people who hurt others never feel this.  Most kids that age do things and never think twice about it, I'm glad you recognize that it was wrong, but now you need to let it go.  You have a very good track record of not being a hurtful or violent person, dwell on this and not what happened when you were twelve.  You're being way too hard on yourself, enough is enough.  With all these years of worrying and being fearful of huring another, you've paid for what happened, so allow yourself the right to let it go so you are no longer being held hostage by something you did s a child. You're a good person, I hope you know this!  Take care.

jlroesner · Answer

Hi DJ,
Thank you so much for sharing.  That took a lot of courage, taking that first step and telling.  A lot.  Good for you.  It is not easy to open yourself up and be vulnerable, but you did it and I am honored that you would share your deepest fear with me and the others here.  Hmm, lets see.  Bear with me for a minute here, this will all come together..  I think.  When I was 7, I developed severe emetophobia as you may know from reading some of my previous posts.  I won't get into that, but suffice it to say that to this day, that fear still affects me in a very damaging way.  So, while I have carried that fear with me from childhood to adulthood, maybe you have carried the fear of feeling powerful through violent means to your adulthood.  Something that I try to remember, that I have to remember is that I am not that 7 year old child anymore. That I as an adult would not react the same way to a similar situation that I did as a child.  But, the seven year old inside of me, is the one who takes over and makes me believe that I would perpetuating my fear.  Does that make sense?  Ugh, I feel like I'm not being coherent.  OK, lets try this.  Maybe as a child you had a strong reaction to something.  Say for example peas.  You tried peas and you absolutely hated them or conversely you absolutely loved them.  Would it stand to reason that if you never had peas again, you would always believe/assume that you would have that exact same reaction when there is no other time to judge it against?  And that even if there was, is there a possibility that the strong reaction would stand out in your mind way more than if you did try peas again and found them to be mediocre?  Now, I recognize that you cannot repeat your action to test this theory, that would be crazy!  But, maybe you could examine your reaction in light of the situation you were in and realize that as an adult you probably would not have the same reaction.  Also, from reading your post (and forgive me if I'm a little too psychoanalytical - I seem to be on a roll today as a way of avoiding my schoolwork), it sounds to me like you were in a pretty powerless situation as a child.  I could be wrong, but it sounds like you felt you didn't have much control over things in your life.  So, would it be fair to reason that maybe after all that powerlessness it would be only natural to finally feel elated at having some power over some thing even though the means of attaining that power were not the best?  That perhaps the elation/power you felt was not so much related to the violence itself but rather to just the fact that for once you were in charge, in power, the boss?  Just the rambling thoughts of a psycho...  Hugs to you, my friend.  And again, good job in bringing your fear out into the light.  Jen

Alisonj29 · Answer

I really think that it was just something that you did from a result of what you were dealing with. I cant say that I was ever the nicest babysitter by far. I wouldnt worry to much. You have done an awesome job as a mother and with your mother and that is who you are. That is what matters.

DJ873 · Answer

thanks for your comments, I have no idea if I had anxiety at the time, i didn't start having attacks till 18 but with 4 older brothers and an unstable father I can imagine that little girl was feeling some sort of helplessness and stress. I guess i should tell me therapist but being annonymous was how i was able to address this at all.


 Ironically, I was the only one of my mothers 7 kids who took care of her after 2 broken hips and dimentia. My husand and i took 24/7 care of her for a year and treated her like a princess. Never one harsh word was said to her no matter how tired we were or how little she understood. Always brought to the dining table for meals, never left to watch movies or tv alone. I learned I would never harm a hair on her head but when i first got anxiety attacks and still living at home, (she had me in her 40s,) I was scared to be left alone with her. My dad traveled doing sales and was gone alot.  It was awful, I felt awful, but never told her or anyone about it. 

My babies are teens now and have always been great. Never felt the need to use physical discipline.  I just feel so guilty and hope i didn't cause that child issues. It was a mean thing to do. My brothers would do some pretty awful things, put me down a laundry chute, and much more mean, non sexual, things. I am guessing that little girl had a taste of power she had never felt before and didn't know what to do with.

Alisonj29 · Answer

Did you suffer from anxiety at the time? Did you suffer from fears of people, your dad etc? It is for sure one to bring up to a therapist. It sounds as if you were really trying to be in charge and have control. Were you going through anything else at the time? 
The best thing is that you have never done anything again. That is really good because if it was something that you truly almost got a  "high" from you would have done it again likely. You havent hurt your babies, or your parents. I dont believe you ever would. What happened then is something maybe a therapist can help you sort out but please dont dwell on it or fear you are a bad person or may do it again.
I dont know if this helps but when I had my first child I was young, I had come off benzos and was on Paxil and before I got pregnant I didnt want to have kids I thought,  Night after night she would scream and cry and I would rock for hours and then lay her down and she would wake right up. One night I was mad at her, really mad. I had to leave the room and let her cry for 15 minutes because if I didnt I was scared that I would hurt her. This was my own child, how could I even think of such things. It never happened again and I will never forget that. 
Sometimes there are underlying reasons for such events, you witnessing what your father did could have been your trigger but you are ok now. You will not hurt them, you havent. I hope you are able to talk to someone about it as I can tell that it has you very stressed out and has been weighing on you. 
If you need to chat you know how to find me anytime,