Unsupportive husband!!! What do I do???

[Relli]

I was diagnosed with RA a couple of months ago and since then my husband hasn't been real supportive. He treats me like a hypocondriac. Just wanted to know if anyone else had this happen with there partner and what they did. Or just your opinion or advice would be good. Thank you so much.

[Brndnsdad]

Madlyn, What a nice story with Thanksgiving coming next week! We all need to remember what we do have to be thankful for, even when it can be hard to remember sometimes while we are in pain. God Bless. Take care, Keith

[mommy52]

I know what you mean, I Think. I am 52 and my husband is 68. Seems like after I fell 10 years ago, I have been falling downhill since. He is good to me. Now if I ask him to bring me something even if it will be only a few steps for me but more for him. It is so very painful to get up after I finally lower to chair or sitting position. When I hurt it would be so nice to hear" I'm sorry for your pain." Instead I get no response. Ocassionall I will get a disgusted look. I was terminated from job about 6 weeks ago for poor job perf---R/T poor time management  as the result of spending TOO much time with patients HA!. I was a hospice nurse.In truth, I have W/C case and have had since 2/07. They were downsizing and make paper work not up to their standards( no one's was) resulted in me having poor job performance and being liability to them. This was after they asked me how much longer I would I be on restricted duty. Told them I was not sure. I really knew that S**T would hit the fan. I was surprised.It didn't.I guess his actions speak louder than his words. He's a one-of-a-kind. As I writing this I realize, I think I have a gem. He may not pamper me and smother me with mushy (UGH ) kisses,but we understand each other. He doesn't say much, but if anyone says something against me or to hurt me, He is there to my defense and they had better watch out.  Thank you all for allowing me to respond and as I have done that, I have realized that I do have a wonderful husbad, of whom I will try to be more appreciative and less critical of. Now if I could just find a way for the pain to go away just for a while. Since my fall in 2/07, I can't remember what it feels like to be without pain. If I was without pain, I do not remember--I was knocked out. Now even 15mg of Lortab doesn't help. That's why I will wait and wait --do not want to build tolerance. The family does make nasty remarks when I have taken meds--they make me "goofy", and boys get angry and say I'm all drugged up. I guess they are correct. Believe they are frustated because they see the pain and are unable to take it away. They will help  position pillows and rub creams and spray sprays and tuck gently in bed. I know I am blessed. Thank you for my family.   Madlyn

[Dnmh]

I agree with ChrisC. The older generation of men are like that. My husband is 46 and while he's more or less supportive, he doesn't seem to know what to do. I have to tell him what I need from him. Without that, he feels helpless.

[CrisC]

I think that men tend to feel useless if they can't fix what is troubling you emotionally. Try to make it clear to him that you know he can't make you feel better but jsut need him to be there for support and just understanding.

Hope that helps just a little

Hang in there

[Cindee56]

Well,. I can relate to that!  I have fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis, back and neck problems, and other things I won't bore you with.  In the past two years my pain and stiffness has increased, and nothing the doctors are doing is helping very much.  Some days I just cry because of the pain, and my husband of 24 years gets so annoyed.

I often feel like he doesn't care, although I know that he loves me.  But he says the stupidest things like *you're falling apart* or *so what are you going to do* or the one that aggravates me the most is *you're just depressed.*  I have told him so many times that I'm not in pain because I'm depressed, I'm depressed because I'm IN PAIN.  And it's every single day.  I never seem to have any good days anymore.

The little sighs and rolling his eyes and snide remarks--I know all that and how hurtful it is.  I have tried to talk to my husband, and sometimes he's better, but I don't think he will really change that much.  What he does do is help around the house.  He will clean, do shopping and run errands.  He'll go out and get me a sandwich or anything I ask for.  I think that this is the way he deals with it--because he can't be very sympathetic, he tries to do other things.  But what I really need is for him to sit and talk to me or watch TV with me or just give me a hug.  Instead, he goes into the study and works on his computer or puts his headphones on so he doesn't have to talk to me.

I don't know if I helped you or not, but at least you know you're not alone.  I know there are husbands out there who are more supportive and caring and women who have them should realize how lucky they are.  All you can do is try to get support from these boards because I have found that only people who have chronic pain can understand how debilitating it is.