Adult with Aspergers

Sorry for being direct.

What would an adult with aspergers be like?  I am thinking about my husband.  

Now he is a nice hard working guy. He cant make any kind of change, he binge drinks and has huge problems with expressing his emotions.  He does not feel any jelousy ever,  He wouldnt feel anything if i was with another man, he has been faithful to me for 20 = years (and I to him).  He cannot really interact so well socialy and cant make friends.  He is a mathmetician and his childhood aquaintences call him Frank, because of his attitude.  He never thinks to call or contact his family.

He absolutely cannot read people and cannot tell when someone feels uncomfortable.  We get on well, but he is running into some severe mid life crisis issues now.  He can never make amends after an argument and never says sorry.  He doesnt feel empathy. He says the most direct things and offends everyone.

Now he has strong points, I want to help him.  We have four children.  The older children sense something is wrong and are always worried about how he will act socially.  He can be so cold.  Tehy dont know if he loves them or not + fight with him.

Maybe you are thinking "Silly woman, should have noticed, 20 years"  But I was raised by a Dad with schizophrenia and I accept a lot as normal , am very accepting of people.  

Lately he is in crisis, the psychiatrist said it is nothing medication can help.  Aspergers keeps coming into my head.  He is so happy with his headphones on listening to his music. He has let me down + embarressed me so many times.

Where could I strt to find out about this

[Sally44]

If you google DSM IV and look at the diagnostic criteria for Aspergers that should give you some idea.  No two people with the diagnosis are the same, but there is always difficulties in the areas mentioned under the DSM IV criteria.  For example, difficulties with social interaction means just that.  One person might avoid social interaction altogether, whilst another might always try to talk about their interests and not recognise that the other person is not interested, or may not want or expect the other person to contribute towards the conversation.  It might mean being unable to recognise facial expressions or read emotions or understand social cues etc.  Someone with any of those traits would be said to have difficulties with social interaction.  But to get a diagnosis you have to have enough characteristics in each category.

[therese83]

Thank you very much for your help

[888mom]

i keep asking that question myself.  

have you thought of trying marriage counseling or family counseling?  Is your marriage happy?  There may be things that he wants to express to you but can't.  You've been together a very long time.  Congrats on that.  Midlife crisises are not fun things to experience... i've only seen it from a child's perspective with one of my parents, not as a spouse.

[5kings]

http://glennrowe.net/BaronCohen/AutismSpectrumQuotient/AutismSpectrumQuotient.aspx
this is a test site that I taken if you talk to him about it or do it yourself but being what he would answer. Some times we know our mate better than they do!! lol
I have Asp. and can tell you hes a lot like me. I am visual photographic memory, hard time in social groups, don't like change, like to think, we are too honest, never jealous, very faithful, love to the fullest, our world is different and how we few it.  I had to tell my dad who is Autism, think before you speak your mind, he is very rude and doesn't know it unless he is TOLD. You will have to tell him when he is being uncaring, unloving, so on. Be blunt. good luck. Have him read books about it, the more I understand, the better I am.

Also I'm in a helpful group *************.org.

[therese83]

Thank you for replying.

888mom, Yes I think he wont express things that he is feeling and I am going to try harder.

5kings, Wow, that is amazing how you describe yourself.  I am going to get him a book, can you recommend any to me that you found useful?

There is so much positive with him, he loved me from the minute he met me, I feel very lucky like that.

But the things he does that cause problems, he cant seem to stop.
Like last week we had guests and he walked into the room they were in and said "I cant find any peace and quiet around here'  this is just an example.  He couldnt understand why i would bring that up.  He didnt mean anything bad by it.

[5kings]

LOL sorry, that is exactly how we are, talking out LOUD! with out realizing if its rude or not...here is my dad for an example: He told me that he said,"Wow you gained weight." to a WOMEN, all I said was OMG, dad never tell a person that. LOSE yes, gained NO. He "thought" it was a "comment"!! can you imagine, he has said many thing's out loud, and not realize its RUDE.  You just have to remind him constantly and make him aware he is talking out loud.  Think before so on.  
Books I haven't read but will send you a link on a place to help you both:)
I have notes for children books, sorry. goggle or yahoo- adult Aspergers books
good luck

[MaryannesMom]

My husband is Aspie and he loved this book:  Looke Me in the Eye:  My Life With Asperger's by John Elder Robison.  

Your last statement really struck a chord with me:  "He has let me down + embarressed me so many times."  I am to the point of really wanting to separate from my husband after 12 years of marriage.  I love him, but it is hell to live with him.

[therese83]

Thank you.  I have heard that if you leave that just say"Ah well OK", so if you do it should be for yourself.

I am feeling a bit down because when I went on sites for people married to partners with Apergers, looking for support  they were all saying 'run away', really criticising their partners? Sleeping in seperate rooms etc

Mostly women and they all seemed to be married to my husband!  Like if something wakes him up in the middle of the night, Oh my God! + how he leeps 'napping' on the couch and going on about how little sleep he got, when he is snoring all night!  I think he finds it very hard/exhausting to live in our world.

I must be an incredible romantic or something, because I still love him and appreciate his good points.  Well if you really want to be put off and get support while leaving rather than staying - the web site is:

forums.            delphiforums          .c-o-m-          /aspartners          /messages

without any dashes or spaces or gaps

[Fionakb]

My 8 yr old son is in the process of diagnosis and we've exlained the symptoms away because my husband always insisted our son had just inherited his traits. We have now discussed this and realise that my husband has Asperger's.

My husband nas too and snores all night with me awake looking at him and he is still always tired!!! He has 80 dress shirts (mainly from Saville Row, he cannot buy cheap. I lie and multiply the cost of whatever I buy by 3 and say it's from an expensive depatment store to please him.) 70 of the shirts are checked / plaid, the others are similar stripe. He wears chinos and Timberland boots with these shirts and this is his 'uniform' outside work. It has been this way for 20years. He dresses exactly the same. He has collections. Books mainly as he has hyperlexia. He reads book reviews and has to have all the books reviewed by the Sunday Times Culture and ticks them off his list as he buys them, That's another thing I find lists of numbers and book titles all over the place. As a newly wed on our honeymoon he had to read his book before going to bed, Can you imagine how i felt? This continues.

He will react badly to new furniture, curtains, hairstyle of mine, new food although he is not controlling in his other behaviour and is not jealous at all. He has meltdowns if something it different and this usually means he gets angry and aggitated pulls a door handle loose and cries apologetically, although he has never hurt me or been threatening. I am like his mother, he is very attached and cannot see when other women fancy him. He has no friends, is very successful in his job, honest - a terrible liar and he does try sometimes when he knows I'll be annoyed that he's bought more books!!

He believes whatever people tell him unless it is a fact that he knows. He trusts that others know how to behave and copies them. He remembers trivia that are out of his social sphere. He buys ipod music and is frustrated that he only has 10,000 songs "which is nothing compared to what's out there"!!! The books and music are alphabetical and when a new dvd or book comes in he moves them all up one to make room taking hours. He saves loose change in a jar and counts it to 'relax'. He has to remove his shoes and go to the bathroom as soon as he comes home from work and has done this since he was 3. He cannot plan a date but will call me and say "get a babysitter and meet me at work we'll go out for dinner" He never books a resturant.He cannot plan a holiday I do it and tell him the dates to arrange time off work but he cannot think about it until 2 days before.

I now realise my dad has this and has some of these traits but several others so this is something that varies greatly from man to man. Once they say they are doing something or we ask them to do something they HAVE to do it as soon as possible,. They do not have a good sense of time, e.g. "how long will you be?" "I don't know, an hour" is the response I get for everything. He doesn't know but knows that an hour is an accepted answer.

He has said the odd thing to people which has caused problems. He asked his boss to be Godmother to our first born when I was 8weeks pregnant. She is a different religion but was delighted - it was not my choice or appropriate but I went with it insulting our siblings. It was his boss and I couldn't risk offending her. When he did it again to a collegue who just took advantage of my husband's generous nature I told him to retract the offer and my husband did so with no problem at all. He didn't realise that THAT would be inappropriate either and I didn't care! At a dinner party he announced that he hates having people over or he'll say to guests staying with us that he hates people staying but "my wife loves it". But I love him. He is cold at times and I can't tickle him as it's sore and other contact is not his idea of a good time, e.g. massage. It is very hard to live with him and very very hard to show him love but it must be hard for him too. I find hard strong hugs help him a lot, my son is the same. gentle touch is sore.

This is all anecdotal but I hope it helps.

[mtgoat911]

it is frustrating to live with someone with aspergers or other mental illness, the jury is still out, but i believe that my son and i have several symptoms of this illness, and yes, at times we do make it difficult for our other family members, but we address the issues that come up, do what we can to change certain behavior that may tear the family apart
but to do this, your husband has to be willing to change
he may need aa, you said that he was a binge drinker and could not make amends, i believe that this type person would benifit from a 12step program, after all one of the steps is all about making amends
i am a memeber of na, i self medicated with opiates, he maybe self medicating with alcohol
i also think for some reason its harder for men to ask and recieve help in matters like this, so you may have to say "goto aa/therapy or leave, we have 4 kids that need us to function better as a family"
i truely believe that all people have healing capabilities, there is no situation that is hopeless
dont give  up on your family, the people on your other forum, may have lost their sense of hope
you do not have too
talk to him about this, see what he says, he maybe wanting to change, he may be as deperate as you are, but confused,

[TallyHo83]

Hello everyone - I am 25 and have Asperger syndrome but not as bad as some, however, I find it hard to make friends and instinctively understand what others and thinking or feeling. I sometimes avoid eye contact and take sarcastic comments literally. My main problem is inflexlible thinking, repetivitive speech and routines but this could be OCD.

I have uploaded a video so please feel free to copy and paste on YouTube so I hope this can provide some with informative information below:


http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=9BH12QzE40s

Best

Sean