I think i need alittle help. I've said this before, but i was never diagnosed with AS. I'm not sure if my ego is just massive or if it is precisely my aspergian traits that have prevented me from having a successful relationship. It's probably both, and i suspect the aspergers and the ego have to do with one another. In the past two years, i've been through atleast 20 different girls. Each one ended after one or two dates. lol, its almost funny, i know. I don't talk to any one of those girls anymore. Some of them even asked me to delete their number. I'm a tall and very good-looking guy, so the attraction component is explained, but the fact that none of them worked out...is this just the way it goes?
I'm 20 years old, and i've only had one gf. Lol, the relationship between her and i only lasted for a month. She was absolutely CRAZY as a gf. lol. The friendship disappeared soon after the brief "relationship".
Well, from these twenty girls, i beleive the consensus is that I'm an ***. That they feel insecure around me, that their ego becomes wounded....i site one example where i called a girl fat, after I DECIDED that i didn't want a relationship with her. This doesn't count in the twenty, but perhaps my attitude is the same with every girl... I mean, the outcome is the same with every girl.
Could it be that the size of my ego fulfills most of what i need? And therefore leaving me with technically "not enough", but "enough" to be unwilling to seek more things that fulfill me? I seem to be talking alot about me...could it just be that I'm selfish, and that I'm only looking to get what i want, and not looking to give?
Hold on...let's isolate that one little component. Why would i not be looking to give anything of myself? The immediate answer would be that when i HAVE given, i have not received. I think that is it. The prior lack of successes has compiled the same problem. I have become callous, unsympathetic (which i definitely am. I'm a hard guy- There are times when i feel like i don't know how to be compassionate...Though, i used to know how to be...) and resentful.
I look at a girl and there isn't the attraction there once was. In place of the attraction, i see a nebulous mass of things i'll never understand, and when they are analyzed, it brings me to think they are the most stupid creatures on this planet. Seriously. I know that it is pessimistic and unhelpful to see women this way. BUT I OFTEN FEEL LIKE I HAVE NO OTHER FACULTY BUT MY ANALYTICAL MIND. It's like i can never be authentic with them because if i was i would always be arguing and telling them how they are wrong. I site an example today when this girl called me and tells me she is going to this party and asks me what she should wear. I told her honestly that her face is the same and that i didn't think it mattered and when she called me a suck up, i told her (honestly once more) that i sucked at fashion, and was the last person she should talk to about it. I made a few suggestions along the way, but she didn't like them. Then she got frustrated, told me she would talk to her friend about it and said she would call me back, though never did.
I don't feel like i can categorize this little bout. But, it made me angry. First of all, it won't matter, not in a trillion years, what one human, on the face of this planet, will wear to one outing with her freinds. It. just. wont. matter. Never will. To be frustrated over it is just a waste of energy. So while i'm trying to give her my advice the other half of my brain is going wtf. And a quarter of the other half of my brain is still reeling from her throwing my compliment to her in my face. The other quarter feels uncertain because fashion isn't my thing.
Just to have my analytical mind satiated, i want to end this new little pseudo relationship. Just to have the certainty of where it is going, I'm willing to decide. Besides, it will just be another girl.
If u have any advice, please give it:)
Alright loremaster8953, I might be able to answer your question.
You wanted to know if the characteristics you are describing are related. The only characteristics that I could observe from your very long description was your “social dyslexia” if you will. (Dr. Richard Howlin says Asperger is a kind of “social dyslexia” ) People sometimes have trouble reading the printed word (so please don’t take offense if you read this the wrong way. I am not attacking you. I envy you if you are in fact an Aspie.) They also have trouble reading social interactions and intent; have trouble with nonverbal communication, discomfort in social situations, and inappropriate behavior. It sounds like from what you described that you do not realize that some of the things you say to women are socially inappropriate, or maybe you do realize it, but you have no desire to figure out how to say things appropriately. You might even know how to say things appropriately all together, but you chose not to.
” i site one example where i called a girl fat, after I DECIDED that i didn't want a relationship with her. This doesn't count in the twenty, but perhaps my attitude is the same with every girl... I mean, the outcome is the same with every girl.”
If you made this DECISION and knew what the reaction was going to be, my guess is you have already figured out what is socially acceptable, and what is not.
It sounds to me that you are very aware of your symptoms, and if you are asking questions about them then you know there is something different or “wrong” about your behavior. People with AS say that being aware of their symptoms helps them develop strategies for coping with their disability. It can actually help you control the way you act. Right now it sounds like you do not care what others think of you, but it is actually a common misconception that people with Asperger Syndrome prefer to be alone and don’t want any friends. It is more often the case that people with AS want to fit in socially and have friends, but they do not know how to go about it.
A lot of people with AS say since they started caring about what other people thought of them, their social instincts develop in many ways. They learn how to read social cues, learn not to be so obsessive, and make better eye contact. I believe that people with AS are genius! You can do whatever you put your mind to. I do not know if you know this or not but Einstein may have had Asperger Syndrome. It can be a blessing. You may not have the desire now, but if you start thinking about how much it could BENEFIT YOU to start studying social behaviors that are acceptable and don’t interfere with your moral standards, and how much they could actually benefit you in life, then that desire might come more naturally to be involved with others.
“I seem to be talking alot about me...could it just be that I'm selfish, and that I'm only looking to get what i want, and not looking to give?”
If you feel selfish, then go ahead and let yourself start out feeling that way and think about how learning to be socially accepted by these people could BENEFIT YOU. It is okay to be selfish. There is nothing wrong with that. I hope it helps get you into that mind set you need to start becoming interested in what people think of you instead of just being interested that these characteristics you display are related to AS.
“If u have any advice, please give it:)”
Well you asked for it. : ) I really hope it helps. Let me know.
Thanks for your comment, note, and freind invite. Its all appreciated.
"You may not have the desire now, but if you start thinking about how much it could BENEFIT YOU to start studying social behaviors that are acceptable and don't interfere with your moral standards, and how much they could actually benefit you in life, then that desire might come more naturally to be involved with others."
I did actually see a psychologist, he suspected OCD and aspergers. While he wasn't quite sure on the aspergers, he was pretty sure on the OCD. But anyway that is a side point and doesn't have to do with the quote.
It would be hard to fight the tendency to adapt since it is very self-serving to do so. But you see what i've found is that people respond so much more positively to people who don't care. Also, not caring makes one less vulnerable- It is a position that has stronger footing than the position of actually caring. You cannot lose when you don't care about the outcome.
I know my philosophy is sad because it forces me to become so very jaded. It is thinking that centers itself over the expectation that, should i care, i will be disappointed, so that no effort in the matter is promoted. Admittedly, what this mind-set gives me is a negativity towards any connection between myself and others. However, i never mentioned i wanted a connection between myself and just anybody. I could care less about making a connection with a dude. lol. And If it is a girl then we don't even have to make a connection. Twisted, i know. I'm afraid this is what happens when the analytical mind is faced with certain challenges. He prioritizes. He places these priorities on a grid, then converts his efforts to getting what he really wants in the person. girl, in this case. This is the only TANGIBLE way any girl has benefited me.lol.
And what i've found is that relationships with them are actually quite draining.
I suppose, then, all motivation to have a relationship has left me. I've become callous, and insensitive.
I feel i've answered my main inquiry. odd.
Thanks again for your help though.
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