Other children find my son wierd

My 9 yr old son has been diagnosed with mild Asperger's Syndrome. He has had a difficult time making any friends, and children whom my wife and I had hoped would bond with him have distanced themselves from him. He is a sweet child but his inablility to cope with social situations have given other children-and their parents-the wrong impression. Most of these behavioral issues surface at school, but he has had episodes at summer camp as well. My wife and I are desperate to help him, but we feel we aren't getting enough feedback on his behaviour during these episodes. We know our son has issues in transitioning from one activity to another; what we are learning is he is exhibiting strange behaviours to show his displeasure. At summer camp we received calls that he had exposed himself to another camper who had refused to stop teasing him-when we asked him why he did that he said he thought it would make the other child stop. We have been informed by his teachers that he has a hard time getting along with other children in his class; he had been observed writing in toher children's books but denied it when confronted with it. Today my wife heard-from another mother of a child we had been trying to set up for a playdate with our son-that her child didb't want to play with our son as he was "weird" , acording to this child our son yells at recess time and once saw him take off his shoes & socks to bite off a toenail that had been bothering him. My wife and I are very saddened by all this. We only want our son to be happy and accepted but his social akwardness doen't seem to be getting any better. What can we do?

[Mozartcowgirl]

I am 37 and have aspergers syndrome.  I still deal with people who find me strange.. wierd...

i would take my shoe off if my nail was bothering me as well. i dont understand why that would be seen as odd.  

why are you so sad????
nobody is normal.  during my childhood.. yes.. there were countless times when i wished i could just fit in... when i couldnt understand why i was the way i was.

your son might have a harder time socially.. but hey.. he will get through it.. be supportive.. back him up.. do all that you can to read other childrenss stories  concerning their aspergers... embrace his differences...
understanding boundaries is HARD.. even today.. there are times when i want to do some VERY innapropriate things... just to shut people up. to me.. THEY arent normal.  i cant believe ANYONE would go for more than 1 minute with out taking off their shoes and socks and bite that darn thing off.  im not going around with something bothering me like that..lol.

when i was a child.. i had no sense of boundaries.. man.. i did some really neat things.. to most. they were very strange indeed.. but made perfect sense to me.. i am still that way.. i have of course toned down alot... but i stilll act in ways others find very strange..   i find what society consideres "taboo" perfectly ok with me.. whats the big deal?? sheeesh!! LOL
was the camp he attended for other aspergers children?

who cares what another mother thinks.. this is your son.. not hers.. you guys made him... you held him in your arms when he came into this world.. you would do anything for this child.. anything.  let him show you what he can do.. so hes a bit different.. it only makes your job as a parent a bit different.. be kind to him when explaining boundaries.. but dont always expect him to follow them.. as it is very hard to do .  

i still go to toys r us and play with all the toys.
i still rock back and forth...
i still freka out when i get caught by a train
i still like ot line up things.
i still have control issues.
i still talk to people like i am their teacher.
i still do brazen things
people think  i am arrogant
people think i am strange
i dont have a whole load of friends..
I live in this world.. but.... i live in it MY way.
i still get overwhelmed .. alot..
i cant do math worth anything.. yet i excell in music.
i still have obsessions that i continue to this day.


keep an eye on him.. let him be free.. do your best to live in his world.. dont expect him to conform to yours.

its hard being a parent at times.. even with what society deems " normal" chidlren.

he'll get it eventually.. trust in him. just help him through the rough times.. and be happy when hes happy. he will slowlu learn to become more independant.. and again.. in some ways. he will remain the same .  focus on his talents.. not so much on his social skills.. it will come. he will eventually come to figure out what he needs to do .. he will do it..
i know that you feel bad for him.. but.. my mother took a completely different view.. she let  me fall .. alot.. where she could tell me brother.. Hey.. dont ride that horse.. hes way to hyper.. my brother would listen.. where I,, lol. well.. i had no sense of what was dangerous at times.. i got on the horse.. she let me ride it.. and when i fell off... i learned. it didnt take me long.  lol  

when someoen showed me how to do something. it was MUCH easier to learn then someone telling me.. is your son like that
what other things does your son do???

[emerald113]

When my son was your child's age I hooked up with parent's and their children who had similar diagnosis within the same school. We had play dates and brought the other siblings along as well. This lasted 2-3 yrs. and we are still friends with one family. We tried to vary homes with parks etc. and always had treats.
I think your child is trying to express his overstimulation at school. Since he may have written in other kid's books,  what did he write? Is it a safe way to retaliate? could he journal his resentments and irritations during recess instead of yelling?
I wonder what his noise tolerance is? I outfitted my son periodically with ear plugs for lunch and recess just so he could get through it. Does your son respond well to broad family rules of "We never show our private parts to anyone but, Dr., nurse..." Can you ask your son's teacher to jot down for a week the negative interactions with peers so you have more specific information to act on. "Doesn't get aong" doesn't tell you much.

[Rozanna]

Hi I have a son who is now 7 years old.
He hasn’t been diagnosed with aspersers but PDD his doctors are thinking that he does have the syndrome and possible fragile X.  

I have to say that it has took many years and one special person on this site
To help me better understand my own child. My son gets comments as well: that he is weird, or why does he carry all those pens around, or why does he want the same toy that he already has, the list could go on.

He has trouble at school with other children he doesn’t understand what is appropriate and what is inappropriate.  He has many fits where he hits, kicks, bites, screams, runs in circles, and his big one is doing jump in jacks. He hates loud noises and hates crowds. Doesn’t like to leave me.

I was at the point where you are now, truthfully several weeks ago, I was so depressed because I didn’t want my son to have to deal with others and I didn’t want to deal with the other children and the parent’s comments. But with a lot of help not from a doctor, but from a very special person on this site that gave me her time. She has helped me learn that there are enough people out there that are going to judge your child, don’t you judge your own child.   There are going to be times when you feel sad because your child doesn’t interact like others, don’t have the same interest that you do, but think of all the great things that your child does well that most kids his age don’t have a clue how to do.  Really think about if your child really want a play date or do you, as his parents want him to have a play date.  

And you know what! I didn’t think my son was happy, but I have learned that him playing with his pens in the floor or him doing his jump in jacks make him happy (He doesn’t know any better). All the things that I think are odd, and things that he does that get’s on my nerves are what makes him happy and what makes him who he is. And me telling him every time that he can’t do his jump n jacks (because I don’t want people to look at me and give me those stares) is that’s what making him so unhappy.  Him riding the little bus was sad to me because I didn’t want him to get made fun of. So I fount out that the little bus that I once hated because it was some kind of label, That the world has but on what to believe about these kids that ride these busses, has made my son happy. He didn’t have any friends, but the cool thing about this bus is a he feel normal he is around kids that are like him, that don’t think he is so weird.  And he enjoys the other kids. Little things make our kids happy. I think sometimes it’s us as parents that aren’t happy because we are afraid of what our child will go through in dealing with their issues. I now I have learned. Our kids are going to get hurt I know that when my son wants to play with other kids but they don’t want to play with him because…(whatever reason)………. It hurts him, but I have learned that I have to let him get through those times so that he will be able to deal with life. This world is tuff and cruel but remember to let him learn to make the right decisions and when you see him doing something that isn’t right take him to the side and tell him something that might of worked better. But always try and keep your cool with him just because he might not want to hang out with friends like others of his own age have hope that your child will learn how to deal with others it might take years but it will come, and for all the parents that make these comments about our children. They have no idea what our kids and us as their parents go through so, try and not let other parents get to you. Remember you are doing the best you can. I know there are so many times when people look at my son like he is some kind of animal (when he is upset, loud noises, ect) My son doesn’t seem to notice the crowed that is staring at him, but I do, and I make comments like: can I help you or what’s the problem. And it normally gets them on their way.   In the past several weeks I have let go of all the sadness that has came along in dealing with all the issues that come from all of my sons “problems”.  I have learned to love my son for what he is. He is a very sweet child that I wish for one day that everyone could see what I see in him.  There are always going to be times that are sad. (I’m sad because my son doesn’t communicate in conversations with me, but I’m not going to let that beat me up) I will role model with him and I will try and think of cool things to talk about but I’m going to gear my energy and my headaches to doing things that he enjoys and things that he is good at.
I’ll never forget the day of his kindergarten graduation I couldn’t stop thinking of all the things that we got through that year I cried my eyes out (and that was only in kindergarten, you should of seen how parents were looking at me.lol) there is a song by the Dixie chicks, called I’ll take care of you … I honestly believe my son wouldn’t understand how much I love him if I hadn’t played that song over and over as I drove him to school…


Not sure if this will help, I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

[BlueEgg]

Hello Ladies,  It sounds to me like your children go to regular school.  In my dealings with our local Association for the Intellectually Handicapped, it was concluded about 5 years ago that integration does NOT work.  These 'different' children are rejected by others and are labeled as weird and interms of learning do not get the individual attention that they need; even those who are shadowed because the shadows do not have the speciialzed training that is required to really make these children progress. So, I guess my question is: can you not send your children to specialized schools where they are picked up in the morning and brought back in the mid afternoon? I live in Canada and this service is offered to all children if the situation warrants it.  And your children sound to me like they really do need it.

Our friends' daughter, Meghan tried integration in high school  just about the time that it was the norm and it was a dismal failure.  She was so unhappy and overwhelmed, poor child.  They took her out and put her in a speciallized school which meant a 40 minute bus ride each way every day and she did much better.  Because there were quite a number of children with PDD, Asperger's syndrome and autism they kept the place quieter and the pace less stressful.  Changes from one activity to another were gradual with plenty of warning beforehand. The staff was qualified to teach these children and Meghan met all her goals each month whether it was learning to tie her shoe, learning to talk out problems rather than yelliing and pushing or putting things away when asked.  She learned so many social skills which are necessary to cope in this world.

Meghan was a Brownie years ago in my Brownie pack.  She was there basically to learn social skills and to learn to follow direction.  Well, it did not start off well at all.  Meghan would head butt the smaller children.  The director of our local Association for the Intellectually Handicapped taught me a valuable lesson.  She said that one has to be tougher on these kids if they are going to grow up to act relatively normallly and fit into society.  Heat butting other children, swearing, exposiing oneself and removing shoes and biting one's toenails are all socially unacceptable and must be consistently dealt with in a firm manner.  This kind of behaviour will have an adult arrested.  So as Dr. Phil says, you are not raising a child...you are raising an adult.  The director came to Brownies and gave the leaders lessons in how to deal with Meghan's unacceptable, aggressive behaviour.  The moment she did something unacceptable she was taken over to a chair, sat down and told very sternly that what she did was not nice etc.. She had to miss out on the fun and wait there for 5 minutes.  Then she had to apologize to the child she hurt and we would explain that her head butting hurt the other child etc.. We wanted her to learn empathy.  It took a number of times and longer time outs on the chair but Meghan finally began to behave more like the other children and to follow direction.  Meghan was not there so much to learn the words to the songs or to make a pretty Thanksgiving card but to learn to be a nice, well behaved child which is what happened...with lots of effort and determination on our parts as leaders. It was very gratifying to see Meghan become a nice, little person whom the other girls accepted.  She even made a friend  of sorts; a girl who probably learned the more valuable lesson in befriending Meghan...tolerance, acceptance, kindness, patience ...  Today thanks to Meghan's parents' firm but loving discipline she is a polite and pleasant 23 year old.  She attends a daily program for intellectual handicapped young people.  SMeghan is a history buff which is rather incredible because she reads well but cannot add one plus one.  But she can certainly go out in public, to a restaurant or to the movies and blend in.  She just went on a trip to Ireland with her parents and it went very well as always.  I think that maybe adjusting our expectations is important.  Maybe these children will never go to university or marry.  But maybe they will learn to take the bus to a job one day. Or maybe they will become really nice, well adjusted people that others love to be around.  These are perhaps more reasonable expectations and the real mark of success.

A very insightful and well written email by Mozartcowgirl.

All the best to you all.

Robin

[Mozartcowgirl]

i dont think biting my toenails in public if i have a raging hang nail is bad.  
you cannot teach anyone to learn empathy. you have to experience it first. by forcing a child with aspergers to sit in time out. you are only telling them that the action got them where they were.. it doesnt mean they will learn to be more empathetic.

i can understand RObins points.. because there are some children with more severe types of autism than what i believe JYD is talking about.. i dont think her son is head butting and doing things like that..

RObin made a lot of really good points.. there are  some children who do need more extensive help.. more specialized.  
I have to say this  though.. had my mother placed me in something like that i would NOT be the person i am today. I cope very well.. and .. i dont conform to society.. you can still be a most awesome person .. and not conform to society.. of course you cant go around acting like an idiot in public all the time. but hey.. taking my shoes off in public and snagging a hangnail certainly isnt nearly as bad as putting boogers on back. ( my brother did that to me once.. and hes "normal"

showing someone what is appropriate and what is not is a matter of opinion..
just ask yourself.. oh my... my 8 year old is doing the funky chicken in church.. while we are singing amazing grace.. ummmmm can i liive with that?

sure you can. well.. my mom did..LOL.. i LOVE that song. and the funky chicken worked with me. I even edited the song to match the dance.. the next year.. i played flute for the church.. and. i got to play the big.. huge.... gigantor.... transforming organ.  

its all about allowing one to bloom and grow.  we with aspergers dont see the same others do .. we FEEL things differently.. thats just the way we are.. i felt the song more fro some reason doing the funky chicken.. cant explain it. i just did.

my children. wow. i am so blessed.. they accept me for who  I am ... yeah sure.. i do some things that embarrass them.. but hey.. at the end of the day.. when they give me great big bear hugs.. they say.. wow mom. i cant believe you did that.. but i sure do love you ..LOL.
i think the hardest thing for ANYONE is to accept themselves.. another thing.. i think its hard for people to just stop judging others.. why cant we just be ourselves.. big deal.. i put my IPOD on at midnight and go outside and sing my arse off.. while briskly walking around and around and around my house.. sometimes. the neighbors pack snacks and sit and watch sometimes.. ( just kidding)
at the end of the day.. you are you.. thats it. you.

I think what RObin said .. was right.. it all just depends on the severity of aspergers.  

it all depends on the person.

oh..i have to say this.. because i thought it funny.. i dont conform to change very well either.. i am 37 years old. and will take someones books and sling them if they are in my seat.. just because i was late to class . doesnt mean you take where i have been sitting all year.

sheesh. LMAO..  WHY cant  YOU PEOPLE conform to US??? LOL  
humor people. humor.

[JYD59]

Dear All,

Thanks very much for your encouragement. Mozartcowgirl had the best advice of all in that my wife and I should accept our son for what he is, and rejoice in the things he does well....which are many!

He taught HIMSELF to read, people. By 4 years old! He learned his letters using that Leapfrog schoolbus toy-the one that has the letters all over one side and prompts you how to sound the letter. He is an avid science buff-he can tell you many amazing things about the planets in our solar system. He can ice skate better than I can-and has drawn attention from other kids at the rink who notice how fast he is. In fact, his Asperger's case is a mild one compared to other children whom my wife and I have met. And therein did lie our dilemma: he is so close to being a "normal" child that we felt awful when other kids would distance themselves from him. But Mozartcowgirl is also right on the money in saying "why can't others conform to us?" There is a child whom we have tried on several occasions to arrange a playdate with. My wife has left at least 3 phone messages for his mother, and she has not returned a single one. This boy told my son on the schoolbus the other day "No matter how many times you ask me for a playdate I will always say no." What a pleasant child! So my wife and I know that mom & son have discussed playdates with our son, and I've told my wife that if she runs into this woman face to face to tell her we have changed OUR minds about letting our child play with hers; my son can't help himself when he acts the way he does, so what's this kids' excuse? And the mother not calling my wife back is acting rude. She is probably unsure how/what to say to my wife, but she is an adult and ignoring our calls is not an intelligent way to act, and it sends the wrong message. And by the way, I am the Dad, not the Mom of my child. Thanks again for all your kindness-my wife cried when she saw all the warmth in your posts.

[MaryannesMom]

I have an extremely intelligent 10 year old daughter with Asperger's Syndrome (IQ tested in the top 1% of population) who feels the same way that you do.  When she is having an issue with a social rule (example:  even if you totally disagree with what your teacher tells you to do, you have to do it), she will reiterate it back to us, and us "normal" people will realize how crazy many social rules area.  Her reply to the example above was, "You must have no pride!"   You're right--why can't we conform to you?!  I'm starting to think Aspies are the next evoluation of mankind.
Janine from Michigan

[gracesmom]

just a note to tell you, your posts are truly a joy to read.  I am a mom of a 10 year old girl, high IQ, and quirky by "NT standards".  When we first received her diagnosis, I HAD a hard time accepting it - I was afraid of what I could not understand.  I was walking the dog, talking to the Lord - okay... yelling at Him - when I heard as clear as day, "Noone is perfect, no not one".  I corrected Him (go figure) that the Scripture says "Noone is righteous, no not one".  I heard "No one is PERFECT, NO NOT ONE" and then "Who's standard are you looking ar, the worlds? or mine?  If your looking at the world's, you are looking at the wrong one".  I believe with all my heart that that was from Him.  I have been at utmost peace since and have enjoyed watching my daughter be....herself!  And I can't help but observe through your postings, you being yourself.  You go girl!

[MJIthewriter]

I agree. Such a shame, I think this thread was going on before I joined med help so I missed reading these posts the first time around. I hope Mozartcowgirl comes back here to post some more.

We need more people who are autistic to be posting on this forum to let the world know that hey, there's nothing wrong with us. What is wrong is how society reacts to things that differ from the things they set as the "norm"

And then they gripe when they think there's a disability for everyone, thus assuming it is some kind of "cop out"

Maybe the mainstream society should change their views. Hey there is no "Normal" person. I mean is there ever a "normal" snowflake?  There is no cookie cutter for the real thing, and nor is there for people.

Not even for butterflies. I learned much from years of raising monarchs. (Feel free to check my photos). Though the butterflies may look the same at close glance, check out their wings. The spots may be a little bigger in one than the other. There are subtle differences in the wing pattern. Think about the human brain. If a monarch's wing pattern differs ever so slightly from another monarch, what does that say about the human brain?

I went through the public school system and took regular classes except for maybe a few modified courses in middle and high school. (That was PE) In normal PE, the teachers often gave lengthy instructions without understanding...  With modified PE, the structure was a bit more relaxed and I didn't have to perform against a huge class.

I can say from going through several school systems, some are better than others... Avoid ones that have next to no program for special needs students. (Avoid like the plague) I went through one and it was He//!  But I've been through others where they had better integration and I was treated better by the student body.

When I transitioned into middle school I had an easier time than in grade school. High school, I had a choice. I made sure to study as much as I could about the layout and the people, guidance counselor, and what they have in store for special needs. I think I made a wise decision.

[MJIthewriter]

I think the best thing my dad and I did together was when I was transitioning into 7th grade. We decided in my IEP to meet the teachers before school started.  That way I got to talk to the teachers in person. The teachers got to know in advance what issues I have and what to expect. For me deadlines were/are an isuse. I worked with the teachers so they could give me a little extra time to get my assignments done.

My 7th grade reading teacher would let me play Sim Ant on the computer during library time. I still checked out books to read, but to read a book in the library was a bit stressful.  After I found my book, I could unwind on a computer game.  This may or may not be interpeted as a good decison, but for whatever it was worth, I think it helped. I didn't get out of reading.  But I did get out of an anxious situation.

Anyways we continued that trend all throughout high school. We would meet as many teachers as we could in advance.

I think more parents should do this along with their child, and then both parent and child can meet the teachers firsthand. That way for me, I got to see what the classroom looked like. I could visualize myself in that setting.  I knew what the teacher looked like and could get an idea what personality he/she had and whether or not they would be supportive.