Trying to figure out who i REALLY am..not easy! HELP!
I just recently got diagnosed with Aspergers after 27yrs of beating myself up for "how I am" and exhausting myself by trying so hard to "fit in" and be the person that I think everyone wants me to be. I am now having a sort of identity crisis(more than ever). I very thankful that God blessed me with decent looks bc it is pretty much the way i have managed to not be that "odd one out". I was a very shy, very quiet kid. But I always tried soo hard to fit in with the other girls, but I just didnt understand why they liked the things they did(I was never into what was "cool" or "popular" like they were). But I pretended to be in order to fit in. They were always laughing and having a good time and i just felt pretty miserable and was never able to "just have fun" or laugh & joke around like all the other girls. And on top of that i was sooo spacy and aloof. I would get this fixed stare and be in my own little world and it was like i would totally zone out and not hear a word anyone was saying. I have always had learning difficulties too..bc i could never pay attention or absorb the material that I was supposed to. I had a huge problem with reading comprehension and I was diagnosed with inattentive ADD/SCT. I still have the ADD but when I was 18 i finally got on Adderall and although it made certain aspects worse, it seemed like the good outweighed the bad. I felt like i was finally "awake"! Bc for all the years before that, it felt as if i was always in a dream or in the clouds and kind of just in my own head ALL the time. Which is just no way to live. I came off as "dumb" and maybe i was, maybe i still am. Bc i still struggle with school and i dropped out of college due to a couple things, but mainly bc the social aspect of life is exhausting enough, but add the pressure of school to that, and being a mother to my 5yr old daughter and it was just TOO MUCH..way too overwhelming. I struggle cognitively now worse than ever and I'm also having some thyroid and possibly adrenal issues too so that could be why my memory is so horrible and why i feel so confused all the time, and struggle to verbalize what i want to say, or put it into words. Anyway, sorry i just got completely off track.lol. Anyway, I just got diagnosed as an aspie. I was diagnosed and then decided to also take the AQ test which i got a 38 on. Anyway, I dont know who the HECK I really am! I have spent 27 yrs being the person my mom wanted me to be, or my dad, or who i thought my friends wanted me to be. & i was a different character with each of those. I remember in grade school my mom was on the PTA and she was a "room mom" so she would come to my class sometimes and i HATED it bc i was a different "character" at home, than i was in school around my friends. & there probably werent all that many differences between the 2 characters looking back but at the time, combining the two gave me hella anxiety. & now its all so clear to me. Its almost like i didnt have a real personality so i had to create a personality with each different group of ppl. Like a chameleon. And whats really weird about that too is that sometimes the characters i played werent all that flattering. Like i might play an airhead with one group of ppl but be more outgoing with the other group. It was like a subconscious thing though. I wasnt thinking "I have to get into character", it was just the way it was and i would automatically know to put on certain masks so to speak, around certain groups of ppl. Anyway, I still do that to this say and i dont know how to break this habit bc like i said it seems to be like second nature to me now and its just what i do. But at the same time it is still EXHAUSTING. I have become very antisocial bc of its so tiring. I am able to be myself around my husband but thats like the only person(thankgod for him). But i am also a B**** to him sometimes even when he hasnt done anything wrong. He is actually amazing but sometimes i push him away even tho he shows me nothing but love, i belittle him and then feel bad about it. Its that whole "come here go away" thing. I was diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder which i am now told is comorbid with AS. I just dont know who i am and how am i supposed to figure that out now after all these years of subconsciously being who i thought everyone else wanted me to be. I feel like maybe being the "real" me isnt such a good idea bc i am actually really unhappy with myself. Anyway, if anyone has any advice it would be greatly appreciated! Thanks!
When I read what you have said I think of myself as the same way but I have never been diagnosed Aspie but have a lot of the traits. I too have the looks that have helped me not seem so left out of certain crowds. I seem to go along life not understanding why I am here and who I am and it makes me so upset. I feel so different to other people. I have high anxiety, OCD and PTSD. I too am a mother to a 10 yr old girl but was a single mother for 7 yrs prior before I met my husband. I feel like I am so overwhelmed and I have quit doing many things like volunteering, sports because I just feel like I can't keep up. I would rather be alone with no one bothering me but my husband, daughter and dog are all on me like white on rice and I feel so much rage inside and become a real B*** too and it is usually at my husband.
I feel I get into these lows that I feel like I am not me if that makes sense. I think suicidal and depressing thoughts then finally I realize I need to snap out of it. I don't like people close to me period and if they do I back off. I don't feel like I can love at all and if someone hurts me even if they are not trying or I took it the wrong way I retreat into this place that no one can come in. I hate being touched and I have a sensitivity to smell, sound, taste and touch and I sometimes could care less that I am a parent. These feelings arent all the time but I feel them and I feel bad for my child because I just feel like I can not love like other people.
I hate living like this. I talk to myself all the time as if I am having a full out conversation sometimes. I think I am weird but I have hidden it so well plus I am female and see to have flown under the radar most of the time.
I too was told who I was too be and I was always never good enough. I too also don't know if I am playing a part in a play for other people or if it is me living it. I probably don't make any sense but I wanted to respond because I feel the same way as you I just cant afford to be tested for aspergers and also it might be hard because I was abused as a child and its hard distinguish things I do because I am aspie or things I do because I was abused. I hate living like this that is all I can say.
I have not been diagnosed with AS but my son has. Honestly I do not know much about it other than what I have had to live with with him. I try not to dwell on it and give him as normal a life as possible. It is really hard because sometimes people talk to him and they don't know- and they don't understand- so maybe they think he has a problem with intelligence or something. The truth of the matter is academically gifted- as many AS people are- but is lacking in the social skills.
Now I am unsure what your gift is, but most people have one- and people with AS usually have some amazing gift that "normal" (although I wouldn't really say normal- most people have issues) do not have. You may not be able to communicate thoughts while talking but how about on paper? You do just fine here! Maybe your gift is to talk to people who also have AS or know someone-and you can offer your words to comfort and inspire them.
Just some words of encouragement. I do not always practice what I preach- I have my own issues and its easy to self loath. However, when I focus on the positive aspects of my problems I can always help myself feel a bit better.
My husband has only recently been diagnosed with AS. He also pushes me away, even though he doesn't mean it. He struggled all through his school years and people just said he was slow and he would catch up eventually, but he never did. With him, AS displays itself as a difficulty explaining things to people, so people automatically think he is less intelligent than they are, because they don't understand AS. He is able to identify almost every car on the road from 200 feet. I would consider this his gift, although sometimes it drives me crazy.
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