sharing my life with my son and aspergers

Ok my son is 14 and recently we found out he has aspergers. After finding out, these past 11 years now make more sence to me. I always knew my son was different but did not know why. I thought it was something I did raising him. He was always asking question and hard questions and if you did not answer him the way he wanted it answered he would ask it again only in a different form. He has always loved old toys and original stuff, star wars toys, old phones with the dial, older phones like candlestick phone, now he is into WWII stuff. He loves history and wants to be a politician when he grows up. He talks all the time and sometimes it becomes very boring, I try to listen and other times just have to tune him out. His voice has always been monitone with no expression. He is a good kid and loves school and get wonderful grades. It does make me sad that the kids in school are so crule and tease and mock him and he does not know how to come back at them so he just lets it happen. He has issues with his clothing and will not wear jeans as he says they don't feel good on. He likes to wear dress pants and shirts to school, which is ok with me but there again the kids say stuff since they like to look messy. He has one best friend who excepts him for who he is and does not question anything. Other then that in school there are not friends just guys he knows. He does not do well with his chores at home and has to be reminded all the time to do them and how to do them. I thought maybe he was just being careless until I started to read some of the other forums on here. His room is always a mess and sloppy and he does not want to clean it up or when I make him it still does not look that great but he thinks it fine. He will interupt me or others when we are talking and not know it is rude and I tell him about it and he says he is sorry but will do it again 3 mins later. He has to be reminded to put his deodorant on and brush his teeth. He gets obsest with things like his glasses bother him all the time and goes on and on about it. He bought new(well old) glasses on ebay they are 1950 black horn rimmed and we will put his prescription in them once we get to the eye doctor. Yet another thing kids will get on him about but he does not care. Or if he wants to buy something off the internet and I say yes from the momet we pay for it he is asking me when I think it will come in the mail. He will then ask me about 10 times a day every day until it comes.

His dad and I are divorced and we get along better now then we did married, but his dad has a hard time with excepting that our son has aspergers. He just gets on our son about being weird. I am remarried and my husband and my son get along great but I do have concerns for the future because my son might be living with us longer then my husband would like but I guess I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

I am trying to be a good mom, we are going to couseling and I think I am going to ask her what she thinks about  doing some kind of meds for his anxiety. I love him so much as I waited many years to get pregnant and finally at 36 it happened, I thank God every day for him. I want only the best for him and want to help him as much as I can and if anything I said sounding like I was complaining I was not. Some days get hard to deal with it but then I take a deep breath and tell myself everything will be OK. And it is....

I just wanted to share some of my issues with other parents who might be going through the same thing. Please share back your experiences with me too.

Thanks

[Gina04]

I feel for you.  I married for the first time almost 6 years ago.  I was 30 and my husband was 32.  I was somewhat familiar with learning disabilities, etc. and could tell there was something different about my husband but wasn't quite sure what it was.  I investigated further and suspected Asperger's.  In late 2007, we had my husband evaluated and he was diagnosed with Asperger's.  Now, a lot of the things that have happened in his life in the past make sense.  My husband now realizes that he doesn't have common sense, good discernment, etc. and that he tends to go on and on about stuff sometimes.  I can now motion to him that he is doing that and he knows to stop.
My four year old also has Asperger's.  We are homeschooling so we don't have a lot of the bully type issues to deal with.  We don't know though if he will be living with us for the rest of his life or what.  We have ten acres in the country so we kind of think that we will just build him a small place on our property.
I think it is very helpful when they know what they have been diagnosed with and how that affects things.  With both my husband and my son, I am able to explain that this may seem normal to them but that for other people it isn't and that's why they shouldn't do that/say that around other people.  My four year old has an IQ of 160 and since we are homeschooling he is about to start second grade.  School is his passion.  I just started my three year old with kindergarten and am waiting to receive the curriculum for my four year old.  When I do kindergarten with my three year old, my four year old gets upset that he can't do some of his brother's work and that his brother won't show him his books.  I have to be caring with him and let him know that  I am glad he wants to learn and that we can do more school when the curriculum arrives but that for right now he needs to just let his brother do kindergarten.
I think the main thing we need to do with a family member with Asperger's is be caring and try to let them know what is appropriate behavior and what is not.

[Deb1996]

Gina04

Thank you for sharing your story.I agree with you about caring and try to let them know what is appopriate behavior. I do that with my son, he just went to bible camp 2 weeks ago which he loves and I told him that if he is talking and someone makes a face like roll their eyes that means they have had enough and he should stop. He said to me " what do you think I'm stupid" LOL but he does not alway pick up on that kind of stuff so I am trying to teach him. Maybe that is something he has learned, I hope! One other think that is hard for me is who to tell he has it. I want to tell everyone so they know he has a problem where as my son does not want to tell people he has it. So for his sake I don't tell. The school does know about it but I wanted to tell the counselors at bible camp but he did not want me too so I did not.

How is your husband about touching and comforting you, is he ok with that stuff? My son will let me hug him and he will give me a good night or good bye kiss but I know that he has no feeling of liking girls and says he is never getting married. I don't know if it is the aspergers or he is just not mature yet. I do know that is some of the signs of aspergers is they may never marry.

[Gina04]

My husband never really dated anyone before me and he was 32 when I met him.  He was interested in girls but didn't really know how to go about asking them out, etc.  He and I met on eHarmony.  He is much more comfortable with writing than talking.  EHarmony and the fact that we lived 3000 miles apart helped with that.  It only took about six months from the time we met til the time we married.  (A lot of that had to do with the fact that we both knew this is what God wanted for us.)
The touching/comforting part can be hard sometimes.  He, like other men, is interested in sex.  However, also like other men but probably more so, he struggles with the caring and comforting part.  If I told one of my other friends that I had a horrible day, felt awful, etc.  they would try to comfort and encourage me, maybe give me a hug.  I would tell my husband this and he would ignore it, say that his day wasn't great but was okay, etc.  After five years of marriage, he is getting better.  Basically we had to set up 'rules to follow' rather than relying on him using common sense and compassion to know what to do.  I would tell him things like if he's been gone all day, when he gets home he needs to ask me how my day went.  If I say I had a hard day, he needs to give me a big hug.  He had to practice the rules so he knew what to do or say in a given situation.  He does much better now but there are still a lot of times that I feel like I need him to give me a hug, tell me it will be okay, etc. and instead he says something like, "I think I'll go do some reading in the other room."  I just have to remind myself that it's the Asperger's and not that he just doesn't care about me.
I know for sure that God wanted and wants me in this marriage and that He will give me what I need to handle this.  (He gives my husband what he needs to handle living with me as well.  I have some OCD issues and health problems.)  However, in general, I would say that it is better that people with Asperger's not marry.  One of the main reasons I say this is the need for alone time that a lot of them seem to need.  The other reason is the caring and compassion issue.
With my four year old...I noticed the need for alone type time during Vacation Bible School week in July.  He is used to going to Sunday School and church on Sunday but is at home most of the rest of the week.  During VBS, he seemed to do pretty well while he was there but every day that week he was cranky at home and felt like he couldn't do anything.  Normally he wants to do like eight hours of school a day.  (That's how he finished Kindergarten and first grade in about seven months.)  During VBS week, I think he did more like a couple hours a day and was whining the whole time.  Once he had a few days of not being around so many people all the time, he started getting back to his normal mood, etc.

[rettiuq]

OMG, you just described my husband to a tee. We have been married for 17 years and wow what a ride. We have a 16 yo daughter that is an Aspie as well. They are two peas in a pod. They are each others best friends. I truly think that people with Asperger's should marry other Aspies because they understand each other so well. Our therapist says to me once, " it hard being the normal one in the house isn't it" I responded am I the normal one cause they are just alike I think I'm the odd ball here! Life is very challenging for us dealing with them, I just keep telling myself that as hard as it is on me to deal with them that it has got to be worse to be them.

[Gina04]

I agree that as hard as it is for me, it is harder for my husband (and will be for my son as he gets older).  Now that my husband knows he is an Aspie, there are times that he tells me it is hard because he is probably offending people, etc. and doesn't even realize it at the time.  He said that as a young adult, when he would go to a birthday party, Bible study, etc., he was always the last one to leave.  He wanted to leave earlier but didn't know how to so he would just stay until everyone else left and then he could leave.  It is definitely not any easier on them than it is on us.

[Deb1996]

Does you husband work? I am wondering how that will be for my son when the time comes. Did he go to college? My son is the same way when it comes to social events, he is very out of place and keeps to himself. Before I knew that he has it I was always trying to make him go play with the other kids, not that I don't try and encourgage him to do that now but if there is a party or dance he does not want to go to I don't make him as I know how uncomfortable he is. I do have my concerns about a job in the future.

[rettiuq]

Deb- Yes my husband does work. He is a workaholic as a matter of fact. Due to the Aspergers he is also a perfectionist. His boss loves it because my hubby can't leave work until every task is complete. It devastates him to have to miss a day of work because he knows that the job is suffering due to his absence. My husband did go to college and was a great student. My daughter is also planning on going to college as well majoring in language to become a translator no doubt. I told her once well you do realize in order to translate you have to talk to people don't you? She replied no I don't and I'm not going to.....I will be translating print mommy!

[zimlyn]

I married my husband at age 60, after being single for over thirty years.  He is a brilliant engineer.  It was only after we married that I learned he has Aspergers.  It was tough living with someone who lacks basic common sence.  He had a massive stroke a year ago and he wants to "come home" but I am not able to handle his combined disabilities at my age.  I feel guilty and am struggling to make good decisions. I never heard of Aspergers until two years after I got married...!