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Need help and advice on what to do, 11 years and im about to crack
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Need help and advice on what to do, 11 years and im about to crack

Hi all .  Im a mother of 4 children, 3 boys 1 girl.  

First of all its regarding my first child aged now 11 years old.  When i was pregant with him i had such a hard pregnancy and he tryed to come into the world at 27 weeks , the hospital managed to stop labour.  When he then was born a day over his due date via c-section (emergancy due to heart beat dropping after pethodine) i had my bundle of joy.  I was told during pregnacy he would be 3-4lb he was 8lb 3 when he came.  

I had PND and found it hard but what i found more hard was everything and anything i did i could not settle my son, calling on my mum many of times because i was getting more and more stressed.  When mark got to about 6 months old he would start banging his head on the cot rails and wasnt a soft bang but a hard thump.  So we would take him out and still would show frustration, not settle etc.

As he got older his head banging became worse so at age 4-5 years old i took him to see a child psycolagist , who let mark play with a couple of things and said basicly hes a normal child going through a middle child crisis.  He was my first?  

As mark has got older hes loosing friends , HATES loosing in games etc, head bangs his head on doors,floors, door frames, punches his head , basicly hits his head on any thing hard , so nothing has changed regarding head banging, hes 11 and still does it.  

I ended up being referd to the crisis team because i had suicide thoughts due to marks behaviour , and a psycatrist came to see me and when told him about what we have to deal with he said "your not going to get better till the other party (my son) is seen to".  All ive been told is its my parenting etc.  I then went to the doctors to get mark assesed again at 10 years old, and was referd to elcas , we went and because i dont like speaking about marks problems infront of him my mum took him out so i could speak,  soon as the door closed and i was alone, the psyciatrist said "o its ya parenting ,you need to go on parent courses".  Ive been on them and nothing works with my son. Its his way or the high way if get my drift.

I wasnt happy with his diognosis and went back to the docs for a second opinion, which we have got BUT ,my son is getting violant ,to me and his dad, his peers and friends , hes lost all his friends his tantrums last between an hour to as long as 5 hours  depending on what cause it in the first place.  we told the new psyciatrist all this and we have been told theres nothing they can see for adhd,autism and odd which we have done tests online and its saying he needs to be assessed properly for diognosis and meds.  

With the new psyciatrist she said that my problems with bonding with mark may not have been the case it could of been my son didnt bond with me.   My son when a happy little boy he will do anything to please but when goes into this , he's not doing anything hes realy hard work,  his tantrums are challenging, we have to restrain him due to the head banging,  hes punched 2 teeth out of his 7 year old brothers mouth, dragged his sister to the floor by her hair.  Put big holes in the walls,  broke all the toys , smashed things , got violant to me and his dad.  Hes had a number of detentions in school for refusing to do work, distracting other children , refusing to follow instructions , snapping a girls head band because she tigged him in a game of tig at school, throwing stones and didnt stop.  

We have been told his vocablary is like that of a 5 year old, he has massive annanoydes sorry for spelling.  But hes all ways been behind on his milestones,  The speach and language theropist said , for a child of marks age the avarage is between 7-12 marks a 1 , hes very low compaired to other children of his age,  he also does baby talk when sees me and my mum after about 5 mins of leaving him,  He likes watching cbeebies  rather than things suitable for his age.  

Mark steals ,and breaks others toys and his own if nothing els to smash,  hes ruined his siblings things and mine and his dads stuff.  I just dont know what els to do because hes started saying things like hes going to kill me , or his dad or siblings , hes said hes going to kill himself and has done 99ers were you scratch the skin 99 times to make the skin come off, we told out social worker this and she dont seemed botherd hes in a way self harming.  He will tell us after hes been naughty hes going to sell his game console etc .  I feel hes being let down ,  And were being let down. There was a period were there was violance between me and his dad pysicle and verble most of the times when the children were asleep.  Prob about 2-3 months worth but not daily.  So can understand this may have effected him .  I just dont know what to do for the best he wont help with chores so his siblings feel there doing everything, but he will do sumat when he wants not when told or if he does he wont do it proper .  Can anybody give me any tips we tryed charts they dont work so am stuck xx sorry if all seems bit gobbly / xx
12 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_f_tn
You all are being let down, especially Mark. Its ridiculous that no ones helped you. You need to keep trying though. Keep looking. Thats all I can think of to tell you.

As for his violent behavior. I would try to have him admitted to a psychiatric ward temporarily. They may be able to help him there too.
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Avatar_f_tn
thank you.  Yesterday we had a mega kick off were he bit me and started to do the 99ers again shame i cant post videos to show you .  We have a meeting today with elcas , but its to be told theres nothing wrong with him.  As a guy phoned up and told my hubby this.  they also said they would send a letter out but nothing come through, and now they want us to drive 30 mins away to another hospital to be told this,  its getting me so mad.  
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I was an extremely difficult child myself.  I did not walk properly until age four and could not talk until age six.  I've tried so hard to remember why I started beating my head just after about two years old, yet I can't quite picture it.  I do know at age eight I would always bash my head whenever I got angry.  Most people had no clue why and I was incapable of communicating my feelings back then.  The kind girl who became my Wife taught me all of that about emotions and feelings.  Your son seems to be getting similar treatment as myself.  He might be Higher Functioning Autistic?  Most people think that higher functioning means less need for extra care and educational help.  Most people are wrong however!  What I could not tell other people back then, was that I was mad at myself for being so stupid!  I thought I was a complete idiot because I could not effectively socialize with others.  Sure it did work for a bit using route social behavior memory skills by acting behaviors I copied from others around me.  But as soon as I found myself in foreign territory I became aware of how stupid I was again and it made me very very angry.  I was in fact not stupid, but intelligent, and knew where the problem lied at.  It was my brains fault for making feel stupid all the time, and so age eight and forward I know I smashed my brain every time it didn't operate correctly and caused me to get embarrassed.

It's interesting to note that my parents often communicated emotionally through violence as well.  They think I don't notice, but my desperate mind wanting to learn how to fit into the world picks up *everything* around me!  I can listen to sounds of voices at age three, then see a movie with two people fighting at age seven and piece it all together; and that's how I formed my understanding of emotional expressions until age sixteen!  Again my future Wife, she saw the most hopeless boy and wanted to help him- ended up teaching me about love and now we are married! :)

I mostly liked your detailed report, and found the facts about the headband snapping most fascinating of all.  He's eleven years old, so he's starting to change internally; everything, even emotions!  When I was in his age group the one thing I hated more than anything else was the idea of love!  An emotion that came up with no previous experiences and no data to explain to me what was happening.  I'm not talking about family love, love for a girl!  That one emotion caused me so much torment because I knew nothing about what happened and where it came from; it just all of a sudden showed up and messed up everything inside me!  Interesting that is the same time period when I first began trying to get rid of myself.  I could no longer stand life anymore it was just unbearable.

To shorten the post though I will skip on to any ideas I have.  Within myself I am highly logical and do not understand emotions at all.  This makes me a good a Military Officer because I can act on orders with no emotional reserves at all.  Where I began however is that logically I lumped all of my emotions into only two expressions: I was either happy or angry.  Let's say it's cold outside, I became angry, instead of being mildly upset.  You see I lacked all of the emotions in-between happy and anger.  When kids get stressed out and breathe that huff of frustration, I would go instantly to anger and beating my head.  My way of demonstrating that I'm frustrated was to physically beat my head.  No one caught onto the meaning of it though; instead they just made me more frustrated, which caused me to do more severe damage to myself simply trying to say: "I'm frustrated!"

Knowing so much about myself I would give this advice for you and your son: Before he reaches the point of total rage at which point he must drain all of the energy in his body to calm back down, you can do nothing in a fit of rage but wait till he exhausts all of his energy and crashes.  Before it gets to that point.  You should simply and very very calmly say, "It's Okay son, don't let yourself get out of control.  Take a few breaths.  Everything is Okay.  I know you're upset about not understanding your emotions, but it will be Okay."  If he does not mind being touched, you should rub his back, if he is emotionally receptive, give him a hug.  Once you've done this he may realize his emotional deficiencies and he may receptive to instructions on how to develop them.  This is done by you over expressing yourself.  Create clever ways of demonstrating proper frustration for him.  Example: You say as you're leaving, "Oh shoot I forgot the keys!" and swing your arm down once towards yourself; then change your tone to a clam one and say, "I'll just have to go back and get them."  And as you do you display that everything is just fine now!  So you can become your son's instructor and teach him how to display proper emotions.

I just hope that it is not too late!  If simple methods don't resolve the situation you should try everything to get him seen by an Autism Aware therapist.  If you don't do something right away to stop his current direction he will end up institutionalized for life.  They will do this because drugs will keep him sedated all the time.  I had people keeping me in check my whole childhood.  I saw on an internet video where one Mother uses a bicycle crash helmet for her son.  It seems a bit common for Autistic people to hit their heads when frustrated.  No idea why?  For me, it was because I was angry with my brain for being so stupid all the time, and thought maybe if I hit it hard enough it might jolt it to working perhaps- never did work though.  I try not to be so long winded, but my advice is usually so thorough since I only post on things I have personal experience with.  Apologies for the length of my posts.  Just can't seem to get everything said in one or two lines.  But as I said, based on my own life, I'd say he needs to be taught how to use his extra emotions and the feeling of love drove me into complete rage until I understood what it was and what I was supposed to do with it - my Wife showed me that haha!  Anyway, the adolescent years may be the worst ones ever for parents of Autistic children, especially with boys perhaps.  That's all the advice I can think of.  It was so long ago it's hard to remember all the details.  But I remember as an older child I beat and smashed my head because I was frustrated or upset and I only had two emotions to work with for every single feeling I felt.
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Avatar_f_tn
Though not my post, I have to say your response is very moving. My five year old has high functioning autism too. He has his good days then he has his bad days. I feel helpless at times for him because I know some of his bad days he acts out in ways that he has seen the rest of us act. Im the only one that truly sees it though thus am his "defender" a majority of the time. My hubby, his stepfather, has difficulty understanding, but he does love him and its seen especially when the two bond over watching a football game. I just feel as though Im not doing enough :(

However, I hope when he is older he is able meet someone as you have. Call it thinking too far ahead, but a majority of my concerns for my son are future related as its unknown.
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Avatar_f_tn
Im so sorry autistic for life what you have had to deal with through your travels through life.  Im so happy for you ,you now have a loverly wife to suport you.  My son is very much not a loving person, he very most often than not dont like giving cuddles or show love ,  yes hes going through the horrible stage of life of wondering whats happening to his body and tryed explaining but he sort of cant seem to grasp it.   We saw the psyciatrist who said shes done things and has clearly stated hes not got autism traits or adhd traits which is realy frustraiting.  She said because of the past of some violance thats had an effect on him and his speach and language.  she hasnt shown us things they have done etc but she said they have monitored him in school oviously just seen the loving boy mark can be , but not this other side.  I shown her pics of the bedroom, pics of his brothers tooth he smacked out and videos of his tantrums and still nothing .  ive emailed my local MP again asking something be done,  everybody around us can see hes got traits but trying to get the upper people to see it is another thing.  

Mark goes to the unit we have finaly got for my husband due to his depression he goes to do a car up and started taking mark,  we tell him he can go but then does something bad and then its our fault, we dont let him do anything.  Hes now got 2 scabs on his arm through doing 99ers , and no matter who i tell its in my eyes self harm they dont care.  i would also like a brain scan on my son to see if theres any damage to his brain through all this head banging,  am i asking for alot yes i am cause i just want this to stop and get the help we all desperatly need .  
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Have you talked to the school and had them evaluate him? Sometimes doctors are more willing to listen to your concerns if they coincide with what the school sees. It's a matter of finding someone to listen and knowing what to say. It is sad that your parenting is being blamed for a developmental problem, that doesn't help the situation. First thing that needs to happen, is he needs to stop banging his head. He could seriously hurt himself. Does he have a helmet he can wear? Usually this is prescribed when you tell a doctor about head banging.
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Avatar_f_tn
hi .  we had a meeting on thursday with familys first.  I sadly had to walk out because the guy said that im still dwelling in the past.  The past is the past i had problems regarding my breast size and im now over that and he said about the violance.  were over that to.he also called me a lier that my psyciatris who came to see me when i had suiside thought because cant cope with marks behaviour ,  he said im not going to get better till the other side meaning mark is seen to.  And the guy from familys first said i miss interpritated it.  when i told my mum she was like i was sat there with you and heard him say it, tell this guy to come and ask me.  Its not me dwelling in the past its these people involed.  

Also last night a pcso came to visit ,shes loverly and basicly she came to ask mark if he will talk to a fire women regarding fire as he has set paper on fire in the bedroom, and also outside.  He then put his hands over his face so she got hold of his arms to try and move them away and he just looked up and shouted you knocked my tooth out to jodie the pcso.  We wasnt suprised as hes blamed us for things that arnt true.  She didnt know what to do bless her but we knew she hadnt done it.  Finaly she managed to get him to go for a walk away from home and when they came back, she said marks said he does 99ers so mummy trys to stop him.  Attention ,  we do find mark gets attention for being good, praised and rewarded but also he gets the attention when kicking off ,becasue we have to restrain him etc.  Jodie has said shes putting in another child in need form and shes not leaving us till marks is seen to proper.  And the next meeting we have she wants to be there.  shes the only one who understands now what we have to deal with.  i mean mark has said i drink daily which i dont and jodie even said your mum is allowed a drink and she dont look like an drunkie.  he said we dont feed him ,.   Tbh ive not been back to the docs because its like nobody cares , everytime its like a book being passed from door to door .  social services dont take it seriously that hes head banging,  hes been bangin his head since about 6-7 months old and now 11 so i would hate to see what damage its all ready done cause it wasnt a concern for  people and still isnt , but us .
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also school say hes doing great in school.  yet hes had detentions for punching other children, refusing to do work, refusing to follow instructions and destracting other children .  
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and being disruptive in class .
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Avatar_m_tn
Hi there, I can understand what your going through. My younger brother was the same way but at a younger age. I know this is going to sound kinda silly and really unrealistic but its something that you should give SERIOUS consideration to. I've personally been studying the effects the diet have on childrens behavior and theres been such a huge link to bad, unruly and sometimes atrocious behavior its really crazy. I know the doctors your seeing are throwing around terms such as ADHD and Autism, but I'll tell you that while it may be he has one or both, I would have to suggest a massive change in his diet.  A Whole foods Plant based diet has been shown over years of studys to completely cure cancers, heart disease, and ADHD and Autism. What it means is the less animal products, oils and processed foods your son eats the better he could behave. I know it sounds ridiculous but I've witnessed it in my own life with my brother. HE was out of control, much as you describe tyour son to be. This diet changed our lives. Its a simpler way of be a vegan. But where you can be vegan and eat aTon of junk, if you cut out All animal products, and All extra oils, and All Processed food it could dramaticly help your problem child. I can tell that your at a point where you'll try most anything, so why not try this? A great video for you to watch is Forks over Knives. It tells in detail the benefits of this diet. The facts are crazy. Just be warned that docters will try to talk you into giving him medications and therepy, and talk down this form of help but believe me if you try it and it helps wouldn't you be glad? And if it didn't you wouldn't be any worse off then you are now. But if you don't even try you could be passing up a considerably simple solution.  Another thing to try with the diet change would be a dog. I know that you may be worried that he would be mean to them but if people are saying that they see a soft sweet side to him then there must be one. Not many 11 year olds can resist their own puppy :) GIve him the option. Ask him if he would like a dog. Let him make the decision for himself. I'm not saying anything against your parenting so please don't take it that way. But lots of parents have a hard time letting their kids make their own decisions and choices as they get older.  Then if its something he seems into take him to a local shelter let him visit some pups and dogs. Animals have a calming effect on even the most severe cases.
     Now I know that my next thought is going to go against every fiber of your being as a wife and mother. But having lived for myself this kind of hell with my brother and father I have a first hand view. My little brother was doing much the same as your describing. Violent Fits, Threats of violence on others and himself. Everything finally came to a head when He had knives hidden under his bed and Hung a Noose in his closet. My brother was 10. Having lived in fear for years of my fathers abuse, was driving him completely insane. The knives were for the next time my dad "visited" in the night. The noose was for if the knives didn't work. Everything boiled down to my fathers sexual abuse.
  I know that you wouldn't even want to consider that kind of possibility. But as a Mother of 4, How long could it be before your other kids start acting out? I'm not saying this is the answer but just another path to explore. I hope that this helps, Please do try the change of diet. I firmly believe in it.
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Avatar_f_tn
I'm so sorry. Is your son in an autism class ?   U know kaiser said my sons not autistic but a neuropsych evaluation said 2.99 autism.  He too was suspended in 2 nd grade and 4 th grade, he's 10 today, I've tried tons of meds, some make it worse.  I have him gluten free and it's been the hardest yet best thing I've done. When he eats gluten he gets explosive and violent.  Go gluten free, no cheating. Pasta, sauces.  Hot dogs.   Gf bread. Try that diet, it saved me and my son, he has gf lunches served at school, he has a drs letter if he is emotional at school, send him home ill.   Also the Dan protocol, bio medical dr in Santa Monica had me do nystatin for yeast as autistic kids have gi issues, my son has ulcer and hernia and basically chronic pain. So there's a lot to consider.  Wrote it down. One by one try. The gluten free, give 2 weeks. My son was better on 2 nd day, amazing. !!!!!!  Come back I wanna help you.  Tkx. Hugs.  
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Avatar_f_tn
Worse case, " resperdol "rx  it will stop aggression, with age autistic kids can get scary and like my cousins son, medicate.   I'm anti meds until it gets outta hand. He needs meds.  Anti anxiety.  If he keeps on this pace he will end up inpatient, so get him meds ASAP and calm him down.  I'm so sorry !!!!!
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