Parenting tantrums

[888mom]

Does anyone feel like a bad parent ever?  I was so frazzled today I let my 2 year old watch an hour and a half of television.  Usually I limit it to 45 minutes.  I just couldn't deal with the whining today which happens every time I turn the TV off.  We have TV at the same time every single day, after lunch.  It's a routine.  And we go through the same routine every day of her whining and I have to do a song and dance and act like a clown to get her to stop fussing, except today I didn't feel so well and I didn't want to do a song and dance, so I just let her watch a lot thinking a miracle might happen and she wouldn't whine after an extra video.  And then I couldn't deal with the fussing after the extra tv which did happen, so I told her I was going upstairs and she could come up when she was ready to stop fussing and just let her fuss downstairs.  She did eventually come up.  It took 25 minutes for her to stop whining and fussing and climb the stairs and she was fine like nothing was wrong.  Maybe I should just turn the tv off every day and leave and go upstairs and let her whine it out by herself?  Or is that bad parenting?  Okay, I know this isn't really an autistic issue, it's a parenting issue, but was hoping people could give me suggestions.

[chikp]

A therapist told you to stay in the same room as your daughter when she is whining to get something?  Why, so that she has a captive audience and learns that as long as she whines, you are going to stay with her?  I don't know under what circumstances you were told that, but I'd question that advice.  In fact, I think that you did exactly the right thing in making sure that your daughter was safe and then leaving the room.  What you did, in effect was teach her that her whining is not an effective way of getting what she wants.  

[MJIthewriter]

I'm with you on the ear plugs and tot screaming. Man that is torture. It sets me off in an anxiety attack if I'm forced to stay. It’s not a pretty sight to see. If I’m not beginning to trantrum myself, I sure feel tat way in my head.

I think choice between mommy having an anxiety attack and mommy going into another room, I think it would be better to go in another room and let the child scream it out. I know from my experience, I don’t think rationally in the heat of an emotional meltdown. I’d be more likely to act on autopilot and do something regrettable. I don’t care what they say. In that situation I would be getting the heck out as long as I know the child is safe.

That's what my parents did with me. I hated it, but I guess I did calm down eventually. I remember I made a breakthrough when I learned I could cry without wailing and screaming. I would hyperventilate myself from screaming and crying. I'd be banging on the door shaking my arms and whatnot. I'm sure my parents had a lovely time. :P

[888mom]

MJIthewriter,

You're right  about moping and thinking things out.  I do that too, so I guess my child is the same way, takes after mommy.  I find if you try to work things out on the spot, the other person might be too annoyed and angry and if you're angry, then voices get raised and it's just too loud to deal with.  I think that is why my daughter's tantrums bug me so immensely but I refuse to cave into them because I am not going to give her what she wants.  My mother had problems with noise levels too, but she caved in to us 4 kids.  There were just too many of us and we knew how to push her buttons.  I have problems with the volume of our heating system in the house, so the screaming is really grating since well it's quite louder.  Maybe my daughter needs her space to get over her tantrum, so I  need to just leave her alone to have it.  Our house is baby proofed.  The kitchen is gated off with an extra tall gate that's 38 inches high and she can't open.  I can barely open the stupid thing, but it works.  So the only thing she could get in to trouble with really is flushing things down the toilet, and I'd hear the flushing.  Plus I can look over our loft to see downstairs.  She usually decides to lay on the floor and cry it out.  

I'm just torn because her therapist said that I shoudl stay in the same room as she is.  I'm going to go insane with the volume level she produces, which is a normal volume level for a toddler.  I'd get ear plugs, but they really annoy my ears possibly worse than the sound level.  The baby books do say we're supposed to ignore tantrums as parents.  But, does ignore mean go up to the second level of the house or ignore like stay in the same room and ignore it?  

[MJIthewriter]

I think you're right being upset does not have to do with just autism.  I was talking with another autistic person about my frustrations with my grandma. We both came to decide that many non autistic people like to get in your face and work things out right on the spot. For some people with autism, we like to retreat into a corner and just have our space. I'm sure there's many people, not just autistic people who like to just be left alone to mope and think things out before coming back to the situation.